The Time When Minecraft was Minecraft
Chapter 1
Once upon a time, a man named Dave was sitting on his computer. "I should really stop sitting on my computer" exclaimed Dave. So, Dave turned his computer on. He then decided he wanted to play a game using only one geometric shape. He searched all over the search engine until he stumbled upon Terraria. "This has more than one geometric shape" said Dave, disgusted. He then went back on the search engine.
Upon the search engine, Dave discovered a game called Minecraft. "This looks like something that will suit my liking" said Dave as he illegally torrented a copy. Dave then found out he had just downloaded a torrent full of 57 malicious viruses. Dave was saddened.
An hour later, Dave entered the computer store with a large bag with a dollar sign on it. "Hello" said Paul the pimply faced clerk. "Good aftermorning Paul" said Dave. "I would like to purchase your finest computing machine" whispered Dave solemnly. "How will you pay" asked Paul. "With this" said Dave, beckoning to the bag. Dave then produced a sawed-off shotgun from the bag and blew Paul's head off. "Security" yelled Paul's head. Dave then collected his new computer and swiftly exited the premises.
When Dave got home, he promptly made an unboxing video of his computer. Dave first took out his cellphone camera and filmed him talking about his new computing machine. "I love my computing machine, it is very shiny" said Dave. Dave then plugged his computer into the ceiling. Dave installed many of his favourite programs and games including all of the Half-Life 2 games. "I would not have needed a new computer if episode 3 was out" tweeted Dave. Gabe Newell then battering rammed down Dave's door and broke his Dave's knees. "OH NO! My knees, they are broken" said Dave unenthusiastically.
After Dave fixed his knees with twine, he turned back on his new computer. He promptly re-found Minecraft. "I will buy it this time" said Dave with a grin. "Darn right you will" said Notch bursting through the roof. Notch then flew back to Sweden humming the theme from M*A*S*H*. Dave then put on some clothes and walked out the door towards the local gas station. "I would like to purchase a pre-paid card" said Dave, hobbling slightly. "How will you pay" asked Habeeb Sangeabale. Dave then produced a pre-paid Visa card from his dollar sign bag. "Thank you" said Habeeb.
When Dave got home, he entered the card number on to . "I now have 17 dollars" exclaimed Dave, snapping his suspenders. He then bought a copy of Minecraft. "Finally" said Dave striking a sexy pose "my quest is being successful!"
Chapter 2
Dave's innards were tingling with excitement. He had never played a game with only one geometrical shape before. His dream has always been to be a pony, but that's not important right now. Dave hit the install button. He then waited, and waited, and waited some more. He went to his grandmother's house for some iced tea and cold rice. It was good.
Upon his return, Dave checked his computer. Notch sent him an e-mail. "You torrent again I kill you" said the e-mail. Dave vowed on his mother's chest hair that he would never torrent again. "It is ready" said Dave, peeing himself out of excitement. Dave then moved the mouse over . "I will click this " said Dave. Dave clicked the mouse. It did not work. Dave read the manual and found out you need to double-click to make the programs run. Dave double-clicked.
To Dave's delight, the program started. The window popping up made Dave so happy he peed again. Dave then read a funny slogan on the main screen. "This slogan is quite humorous" said Dave as he laughed until he peed. Dave then put on some clean pants and went off to the doctor to get his lack of bladder control checked out.
Dave walked to the hospital without losing control once. "I do not need a doctor after all" said Dave, delighted. So Dave went home. On his way he saw, 2 sports cars and a squirrel. A Volkswagen Beetle rolled past. "Punch buggy, no returns" shouted Dave as he punched himself in the arm. Dave then arrived home. Dave then sat on the front steps, had a smoke, and then realized that smoking was bad for him and went on a twelve step quitting program. "I must break this nasty habit I just started a few seconds ago" shouted Dave defiantly at nobody. Dave then relapsed and took another drag from his cigarette before sealing the package with nicotine patches and throwing it away. Dave was now ready and healthy enough to play Minecraft.
Dave then realized he was locked out of his house so he went to the locksmith. "Mr. Locksmith, I cannot get into my house" said Dave. "What do you want me to do about it" asked Philip the Locksmith. "Cut me an extra key" said Dave, producing his house key. The locksmith then kicked Dave out for being a moron and filling this story with senseless filler.
Dave ran home with his key in his hand, the same popeye candy stick he had been pretend smoking earlier still clenched tightly in his teeth. Will he ever play Minecraft? Most likely, but not until next chapter.
Chapter 3
Dave was finally home. He had logged into his computer and booted Minecraft again. "I hope I don't have to go on another adventure full of mindless filler again" said Dave. He then felt a sharp pain rip through his side. He knew it was brought on for breaking the fourth wall. Minecraft was started. Dave was happy. He didn't pee which made him happier.
Dave then logged into Minecraft using the name "Dave0102869743". "Welcome, Dave0102869743" said Dave as he logged in. He then clicked single player because he didn't know anyone who had this wonderful game that he has never played before. Dave then selected the New World button.
He thought of hundreds of names for a world, he fought an inner battle of wits and decision to pick a name for his world. He was wracked for over 3 hours on what to name his world. He finally decided on "World 1". "World 1 is a wonderful name for a world" said Dave approvingly. He then saw the seed box. He did not know why the game needed seeds. Dave then put on his walking boots and went off to the gardening depot down the street. "I wonder what kind of seeds I need" pondered Dave.
Dave looked at seeds for many hours, he finally decided on pumpkin and watermelon. Dave paid the gardening depot manager with a swift kick to the groin and ran off. Dave burst into his house and stuffed 2 packs of seeds into his floppy disc drive. "Seeds, why you no work" asked a very confused Dave. He then typed "Yes Please" into the box.
The world loaded. Dave was riddled with both excitement and nausea. He noticed that he had fists. "I have fists" exclaimed Dave. He then fisted a pig in its rear end. He found pork afterwards. "This pork sure is raw" said Dave, oblivious to the innuendo.
Dave opened options. He adjusted his sound setting to his liking. "These sound setting sure are adjusted to my liking" said Dave. "I sure am redundant" said Dave redundantly. Dave scrolled over difficulties. "My mom always did call me a nightmare" said Dave clicking the nightmare difficulty. Then Dave wussied out and put it on easy. "I couldn't find special in the difficulties" said Dave, disappointed. Dave was finally ready to play.
Dave adjusted his chair, put on his safety goggles, filled a mini fridge full of juice boxes, made 247 egg salad sandwiches, and made sure he was wearing 3 extra pairs of underpants. As soon as he was ready, the chapter ended.
Chapter 4
Dave was excited. He was all ready to play the game. His settings were right and his goggles were in place. He didn't have any Red Bull, so he chugged a bunch of blended Laughing Cow spreadable cheese. "I am energized now for the gaming" said Dave throwing all grammar out the window. "I better not litter" remarked Dave as he picked up the grammar. As Dave did scoop up grammar the into garbage, he had thought. "I ready now am to play Minecraft" said Dave.
Dave ran to the computer, flopped down on the chair and unpaused. Dave found a forest. "This forest must have four whole trees in it" said Dave, excited. Dave fisted the trees until he got wood. "This is some of the best and hardest wood I have ever found" said Dave as he used his wood to break other wood. "I better build a house before night"
Dave built a foundation out of wool he had gathered while fisting a sheep. Dave put his wood on the wool. "This wool looks good on my wood" remarked Dave. His house was finished but extremely dark. Dave went looking for coal. On his travels, he had met and fisted many creatures. "I will fist every creature in this world" said Dave with a grin on his face.
Dave found coal in a deep, dark cave. "This cave sure is deep and dark" remarked Dave, relying on redundancy and innuendo to get laughs in this story. Dave had to rely on his survival instincts to navigate the deep, dark cave. Too bad he learned everything he knows about survival from the show Survivor. "I cannot get down there without first backstabbing someone" said Dave, taking a cheap shot at the popular reality show. Joe the enderman walked up behind Dave. Dave was curious as to what the enderman looked like, so he got him kicked off the island and watched his face as he was voted off in the season finale.
After spending the million dollars on buying Apple shares, he finally navigated the cave. "I have found much coal and flint in this cave" said Dave. "Yay" said his mother, appearing behind him with his new stepdad Carlos the mortgage broker. Dave ignored them and went back to playing. Dave crafted a crafting table. "I wonder what kind of crafts I can make" wondered Dave as he imagined all of the friendship bracelets and combs cosies he could make. Dave then found out that none of those options were available. So he said "screw it" and made a diamond pickaxe with all the diamonds he found in a cave. Dave then tossed the diamond pickaxe into the ocean. He then cried and broke his keyboard.
Dave then walked back to the computer store. "Hi Dave" said Paul's Head. "Hi Paul's Head" said Dave. "Minecraft later" asked Paul's head with a smile. "Sure" said Dave. Dave then grabbed a keyboard and then stuffed a dollar into Paul's head's mouth, causing him to choke. "Bye Paul's Head" shouted Dave. "mmrmf mmrmf cough mrmmf" said Paul's head. "You too" yelled Dave.
Chapter 5
As Dave arrived home, he installed his new keyboard. Dave then carefully entered Paul's Head's ip address. "Hello Paul's Head" typed Dave. Dave then looked inside of Paul's Head's house. Dave found a chest. As Paul's Head approached, Dave produced a sawed-off shotgun from the chest and killed Paul's Head. Paul's Head then rage quitted. Paul's Head tried to hang himself but he's just a head.
Dave then used dynamite to dig a hole to the bottom of the map in a futile effort to find unobtanium. "James Cameron you're a crackpot" yelled Dave at the computer screen. Dave then found a gigantic pool of lava. Dave produced a bucket and started moving the lava into his deep pit. When all the lava had been moved into the pit, Dave looked over the edge. "This sure is a deep pit full of hot scary lava and possibly ugly women" said Dave, unnerved. Dave then spotted a pig in distress at the bottom of the pit. Dave took a leap.
"LEEROYYY JEENKIINS" plagiarized Dave because original jokes are hard to make. Dave then fell for what seemed like 12 seconds but could have been 6 because he has a bad sense of time. Dave hit the lava. Dave died. The pig dove in to save him. The pig died. Dave burst into tears before closing the game and uninstalling it. After losing his only chance at a friend ever, he lost all purpose in this fictional life.
Dave shut off his computer for the first time since he got it. "That was quite the adventure" said Dave. "Good thing nobody is chronicling this"
Dave turned on his x-box. He looked at the marketplace for a new game to play. He stumbled upon a game that had only one geometric shape. "Fortresscraft" said Dave aloud to himself. "Sounds like a real adventure"
Mission End