In the darkness, the sweet cloying stench of sulphur as a match flared. Instantly followed by a damp fizzle as the rain and wind transpired to put it out again. I cursed, and luckily on the sixth attempt, the lantern caught. This was hardly the most dignified entrance for one of my position, but it would have to do.
Before me stood the entire might and power of the Messina city watch, arrayed in their massed ranks. All three of them. Their bills clasped tightly in their hands, I could see the determined set to their faces, leering back from underneath layers of freezing rain.
"Are you good men and true?" I
already knew their answers would be in the negative. I impassively
listened to Verges' confirmation of my thoughts before I
continued.
"First, who think you the most desertless man to be
constable?" One of the constables, George Seacoal staggered
forwards slightly. I'm surprised his fellow who had moved behind
him didn't stop him from almost falling. I put my arm around his
shoulder and led him a few paces from his colleagues.
"You are thought here to be the most senseless man for the constable of the watch: therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge – you shall comprehend all vagrom men, you are to bid any man stand, in the prince's name."
"How if a' will not stand?" I began to wonder whether he understood what he had volunteered himself for. He excelled in grasping the most basic of concepts.
"Why then take no note of him, but let him go, and thank God you are rid of a knave." I had to explain the same basic concepts of watchmaning to every new recruit. God's blood! They all thought they were supposed to confront villains and comprehend them! I proceeded to caution the watch about making too little noise in the streets, as some citizens had complained that we had kept them awake of a night. Thankfully, they all agreed to do as I told them and sleep, like the noble, most ancient watchmen. My only concern was for them to guard their bills, as God knows, the number of things being stolen in Messina is so high it's almost criminal. If only the watch would wake up and do something about it…
I watched as they huddled together under the porch of a church, trying to shelter from the driving rain. I had already started to leave when a thought sank in my well-trained mind.
"One more word, watch about Signor Leonato's door." Their thought filled expressions revealing that they knew nothing of the upcoming festivities. I had to explain that the wedding of Leonato's daughter Hero was to be there the next day, fancy them not knowing that, it had been the talk of society people for all of two days. With that, I left my watch to pass the night in slumber.
The triumph of success flushed my cheeks and noble brow. I, Chief Constable Dogberry, stood poised on the brink of the crowning achievement of my long and semi-distinguished career. I had (with some minor intervention from some watchmen whose names I fail to recall) single-handedly foiled the greatest crime in Messina, (whatever it maybe) if not off the decade then at least of the month. A fortnight at the outside.
I stood before Sir Leonato's door, determined to tell him the light heartedness of the situation. That I had comprehended two such worthy villains sneaking from his house the night before. My rhetorical was already prepared concerning my valiant tale of how I had bravely freed them. When Leonato came to the door, I quickly told him my tale. At least some of it was true. He seemed so awe filled that his eyes hardly touched me, preferring to avoid my gaze and look at the nearby trees instead. Probably avoiding my eye so that he did not have to feel compelled to offer me a great reward. As there is no rest for the treacherous watchman, he gave me another task, to examine the villains myself, safe in the knowledge of my superb skills to let him down. As I ambled back to the gaol, I thought to myself that if he didn't hurry, he might miss his own daughter's wedding.
I carefully adjusted my fantastically ornate robes of office, hopping around on one leg in my time-honoured fashion as I majestically eased my robes of office over my head, the tight material quickly sliding down over my head. I enviously watched as Verges slid into his loose robes. After all, a hard life of watchmaning had toned my body into the peak of physical perfection for the watch, while Verges still had far to go.
When Verges was quite finished sorting out his robes, I led him from my private office into the gaol proper. There stood the Sexton, his black and white robes making him look like a common peacock with his papers and other methods of interrogation under his arm. Behind him and against the wall stood my Watch, their truncheons and other methods of interrogation under their arms. Facing them were the vagrom men, shackled to the wall, and bearing the marks of their interrogation.
Despite the Sexton being a man of learning and books, he certainly minced his words. Asking me to show him the malefactors, then being surprised when Verges and myself step forwards, it turned out that only wanted to see the villains! When we had bent that out, I had them brought forwards. It took all of my immense cunning and cognisable skills to find out their names. After the one known as Borachio cracked, I knew that his friend would soon follow. All the while the Sexton was recording our battle of wits for posterior.
"Yours sirrah?"
"I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade." I had done it! I had outsmarted him and managed to get him to confess to the first and most heinous of his crimes! His own name.
They attempted to distract me from my questioning by saying that they served God. I indulged them by making sure that the Sexton wrote that down all that they said. Though serving God is little defence, just look at that Cranmer and Mary over in England. After I had listened to their pitiful whining about being 'innocent' for quite long enough, I checked to make sure that the Sexton was still recording all that they said. I was getting out of my stride when the Sexton interrupted me; he thought that I, Master Constable, didn't know how to question people properly! He thought that they needed to know what they were accused of and that I actually needed proof!
The Sexton managed to persuade me to call forth the Watch to find out what they were accused with, and I must confess I was curious about that as well. They came forth one at a time and told an interesting tale; that the villains had called Prince John a villain, taken money from him for wrongly accusing the sweet Lady Hero so that Count Claudio would disgrace her at their wedding.
As far as I could tell, they were guilty of perjury for calling the Prince's brother a villain, of burglary for taking his money, and I had no idea about the last part. So I took refuge in being as vague as possible. By telling them that I hoped that they would face everlasting redemption for it. As the Sexton heard all of this, and the villains breaking down and confessing, his face had grown paler and paler. He obviously couldn't stand to be in the presence of two such malefactors. As soon as they finished the Sexton leapt to his feet, sending the transcripts of my greatest endeavour scattering to the floor. He said that apparently, all the things that the villains had set out to do had happened. Prince John had fled during the night, and Hero, after being disgraced, had died.
He suggested that we take them to Signor Leonato's house so that he could decide what to do with them himself. I thought that my watch should have been allowed to deal with it.
The Sexton then left to tell Leonato that we were on our way.
The poor sexton had only just left, his health too frail to even remain in the same cells as these vile malefactors. I hadn't the heart to call him back to record that the accused had called the prince's officer coxcomb. Here they stood even now, shivering under the superior power and authority of my gaze.
With a flick of my wrist, and with a few crisply spoken words I ordered my headborough, Verges to bind the scum. Ahh innocent, foolish Verges, he is far too soft with miscreants like these. He tried to fit the shackles to the pair who were half stripped and chained to the wall, though he had great trouble. I groaned inwardly and considered my grandfather's wise proverb " If you want something doing right, get somebody else to do it." It made no sense at all to me, but thinking back to ole' grandpa Dogberry saying it made me fell content and capable of suffering fools.
"You are an ass! An ass!" Sirrah Master Gentleman Conrade bellowed out in his broken voice from between his even more broken teeth. Suffice it to say he had fallen down some steps on his way to the cells. The fact that the goal is on ground level is irrelevant. My triumphal thoughts of jubilation at a job well done quickly died in my throat. My anger at being insulted by these righteous wretches in my own damn cells threatened to freeze over. In a few strides I was stood before the bloodied whelp, watching as he struggled and swung limply against his chain bindings, I hoped that my face was full of the contempt that I felt.
"Do you not suspect my place? Do you not suspect my years? Oh that the sexton was here to write down that you called me an ass! But, Masters, remember that I am an ass, though it is not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass." I turned to address my noble watchmen, making sure to lean heavily on the man's wounds. I turned back to sirrah Conade. "No, you villain, you are full of piety, as shall be proved upon you by these good witnesses." Indicating the watchmen who lounged against the wall behind me. "I am a wise fellow, and which is more- an officer, and which is more- as pretty a piece of flesh as any in Messina!" My voice rose to a phlegmy crescendo, I had to pause here in order to brush my lank hair from out of my eyes, and to itch my various pox with a kerchief. As it was dirty, and I am civil minded enough to care about my cells, I put it in the only place I could, the wretches flapping mouth. "And I am one who knows the Law. Bring him away with us." I turned from him, tired of the gagging noises he was making. " Oh that the sexton had been here and that I had been writ down an ass!" I sadly shook my head as I led the godless procession out of the cells.
As we approached the house of Leonato, decorations for the wedding still hung limply in the trees and scattered on the ground. As we passed a table that held candied fruits and the like for the recent guests, I slipped a few into my pocket for later. After all, it wasn't stealing. I'm sure that they invited me, and the invitation just didn't get delivered.
As we drew closer, I could see most of the brightest and noblest of Messinan society gathered in the garden. I say most, as I was not with them.
When we stood before them, their faces filled with questioning, asking why we were there, I showed them the light; in the form of my single-handed uncovering of this plot, my tackling of the most heinous villains, and my stunning oratory that tricked them into admitting their guilt. Though I think that I may have been to complex in what I said to them, as the Prince didn't understood what I said, he needed one of the accused to explain what I had said. It isn't the Prince's fault, if they could think for themselves, then why would they need the watch?
After the knavish Borachio and Conrad had admitted their guilt before such noble men as these, I made sure to also tell them something that had bothered me most of all with this case. The thing that they had said to me while in the gaol, which was their most heinous crime. If nothing else I wanted to see them punished just for this.
"And masters, do not forget to specify, when time and place shall serve, that I am an ass."