Hey everyone! This is my first time writing smut, so I hope it turned out ok! :D
Warning: Rated for language and adult content
Back before the war, Bucky had always kept himself clean shaven. Steve used to lean against the door jam and watch Bucky shave. He didn't know why, but he found it fascinating. Bucky had such a steady hand. He had an air of someone who knew exactly what they were doing. He was meticulous, and would check every angle to make sure he didn't miss anything.
Steve had often found himself envious, of what though he couldn't quite figure out. It wasn't like he was jealous that Bucky had to shave all the time, it looked like a lot of work. Plus, with Steve's health, it would be only a matter of time before he coughed and nicked himself bad.
That was before Hydra.
During his time with Hydra, Bucky never got a say in anything. He didn't choose when he showered, how they cut his hair, what he did with his body, he didn't even get to choose when he went to the bathroom. It was humiliating, degrading, and a horrific way to spend seventy years. He loathed the loss of control.
So, after he found Steve again, and started coming back to himself, he made it a point to make decisions for himself any chance he got. Even the simplest things, like choosing his own breakfast cereal or his shampoo; this helped him. Helped him regain control of himself, and helped his healing process.
One morning, after taking a long look in the mirror with the razor ready in hand, he decided to stop shaving. He pictured himself with a beard, and didn't think it would look half bad. Thought it would go well with his long hair, which he had kept. Even if it didn't, it was his own decision and that was the most important part. Plus, he knew that if he looked that bad, Stevie would say something to him.
Steve didn't quite notice it at first. The first couple days it was just a slight scruff, but then a couple of weeks went by and Steve started to notice Bucky was gaining the beginnings of a beard, and that he had stopped shaving all together.
Steve had always found Bucky ridiculously attractive, but this new development wasn't helping things. Apparently Steve had a thing for beards. At least, he had a thing for Bucky with a beard.
He wasn't sure what it was about the beard that he liked. Whether it was the dangerous, rugged look it gave Bucky, or if it was how he imagined how the scruff would feel against his skin. Whatever it was, it was driving him crazy.
As the months past, and Bucky's beard got fuller, Steve started having to avoid him. He couldn't look at that thick, beautiful beard and not get lost in thought. He couldn't help but imagine the feel of Bucky's beard against his thighs, he couldn't stop imagining the stubble scratching his skin as they kissed.
It got so bad that Steve would turn red whenever he saw Bucky and bolt from the room. The team had noticed something was up, and if the team had noticed then of course Bucky had noticed, being as in sync with Steve as he was.
While Bucky had noticed that Steve was avoiding him, and seemed to flush whenever he saw him, then bolt, he couldn't, for the life of him, figure out what was causing this change in behaviour. A couple months ago Steve wouldn't leave his side, and now it was a miracle if he was even in the room with him for 5 minutes.
Finally Bucky had enough, and began to plot a way to figure out what he had done and make up for it.
He decided to try and talk to him after a particularly gruelling mission. The whole team was exhausted, and as everyone lugged their tired bodies into the common room at the Tower, Bucky saw his chance and pulled Steve into the kitchen. It was unlikely anyone would follow them, and when Bucky looked back, everyone had curled up on the countless couch and armchairs; they were either already asleep, or definitely on their way there.
"H-Hey Bucky, what's up?" Steve asked, trying to seem as normal as possible. Maybe avoiding Bucky had been a bad idea, cause now it was 100% times worse seeing him with that glorious beard after so long of hardly being in the same room together.
"You tell me," Bucky replied, crossing his arms. He had been up many late nights trying to think of what he could have possibly done to upset Steve like this. He had hardly seen the guy lately, and they hadn't had a decent conversation in weeks.
"I don't know what you're talking about Buck. Everything's fine!" Steve said, a deep flush started to spread on his cheeks. 'Fuck, he's so beautiful.'Steve thought. He could see that Bucky was starting to get angry, and he knew that it was all his fault. He felt terrible. Bucky shouldn't have to suffer because he couldn't control this crush. He sighed and his shoulders dropped.
"M'sorry Buck," He mumbled, slouching into himself. He hadn't meant to hurt Bucky, that was the absolute last thing he wanted. He was going to have to just suck it up and push aside his crush. He had to be there for his best friend. "I've been having a bit of a rough time lately, but I promise I'm all good, there's nothing to worry about."
Bucky's eyes softened and his postured relaxed. He uncrossed his arms, and put a hand on Steve's shoulder.
"Why didn't you just tell me, Stevie? Why were you avoiding me?" He said softly, the rest of his anger and frustration melting away when he saw the apologetic look in Steve's eyes. He had a feeling that Steve wasn't telling him the whole story, but if his guy didn't wanna talk, then he wasn't going to force him. He knew that eventually Steve would tell him, and that it was better to wait and have Steve come to him.
Steve shrugged, a shy look on his face. How as he supposed to tell his best friend the reason he was avoiding him was because he couldn't look at his stupid furry face without imagining how the beard would feel on his thighs as Bucky sucked his cock.
Bucky looked at him curiously as the blush deepened. He decided that for now, he was going to let it go.
"Alright, pal. Well you know you can come to me anytime right?" He questioned, he knew the answer, he just wanted to make sure.
"Of course Buck, thank you." Steve replied, glad that this awkward conversation was finally over. He gave Bucky a smile and made his way to the living room. He was too tired to make it to his room, and decided to just sleep on the couch.
Bucky watched him walk away, a thoughtful look on his face. He resigned himself to the fact he wouldn't get the answers he wanted for a little bit longer. He was going to keep a close eye on Steve; there had to be a reason he was avoiding him.
For now though, he was going to join his teammates in the living room, and pass out from exhaustion.
As promised, Bucky kept a close eye on Steve for the next week. At first it had seemed like Steve was making an effort not to avoid him. He would take him out for breakfast, they would spar together, and they would sit together on movie nights. Yet he could see, as the week went on, Steve was starting to avoid him again. He would be walking down the hall, see Bucky walking towards him, blush deeply, and hurry in the opposite direction.
After the fifth time that happened, or something similar, Bucky had had enough. He didn't know what was up with Steve. He couldn't think of anything he had done that would warrant Steve's behaviour. Steve didn't seem angry with him, so he didn't think he'd pissed off the blonde. It was more like…Steve was uncomfortable around him.
As soon as that thought entered his mind, he couldn't stop thinking about it. Maybe Steve had finally realized that Bucky had done some fucked up shit and didn't deserve the kindness that had been given to him. But…Steve had been so adamant that it wasn't Bucky's fault. Surely he didn't think otherwise?
As Bucky's thoughts derailed into panicked babbling, he had to remove himself from the meeting he had been in. He hadn't been paying attention to what was going on, but Natasha was there, so he hoped she would fill him in on what he had missed. All he knew was that he had to leave, now.
He stood up abruptly, and all eyes turned to him. He payed them no mind as he rushed from the debriefing room and all the way back to his room.
He sat down on his bed and tried to control his breathing. There was no way Steve thought he was a monster…right? Who was kidding, of course he thought that. Bucky still didn't understand why the Avengers were so nice to him. He had killed thousands of people,innocent people. He wasn't fit to be an avenger.
As Bucky got lost in a swirl of self-loathing thoughts, he almost didn't realize the on-coming panic attack until it hit him full force. Suddenly, he couldn't breathe, and all he wanted right now, all he needed, was Steve.
"J.A.R.V.I.S, please, can you get Steve?" He managed to mumble out, among his gasps for air.
"Of course Sir, right away." J.A.R.V.I.S replied.
Steve had just gotten home from lunch with Sam, and was headed to the common room when he heard J.A.R.V.I.S speak.
"Sir, Sargent Barnes needs your help," The voice of the A.I. sounded almost concerned, if that was even possible. Steve on the other hand, was absolutely concerned.
"Fuck!" He exclaimed, "Where is he? What's happening?" Steve asked the A.I, concern dripping from his voice.
"Sir is having a panic attack, and is currently located in his rooms." J.A.R.V.I.S replied. Steve managed a quick thanks to the A.I before he took off in the direction of Bucky's room.
To make Bucky feel safer, Tony had graciously installed a passcode lock on Bucky's door, so only the people with the code could access it. Thankfully, Steve knew the code, and was able to quickly punch it in and slip in the moment the door opened.
What he saw broke his heart. Bucky was curled up on his side on the bed, his body shaking from sobs and gasps for air. He either didn't notice when Steve entered the room, or he didn't acknowledge the man.
Steve was quick to slip onto the bed and wrap his arms around Bucky. He quietly cooed encouragements until he was able to get Bucky into a sitting position.
"Shhh babe you're ok, I got you, breathe," He spoke softly, he didn't even notice his use of the endearment.
"Breathe with me, okay. In, and out. You can do this, I know you can." He continued to mumble to Bucky, feeling his breathing start to slowly become even. It took a couple of minutes, but eventually the sobs stopped, and Bucky was able to breathe again.
Steve held Bucky close as the last of the sobs subsided. Bucky's face was hidden in his shoulder and he seemed about ready to fall asleep. Steve manhandled him until he was lying down, and stroked his hair.
"Shh go to sleep Buck," He whispered, "I'm right here with you."
Steve pulled Bucky closer and quietly asked J.A.R.V.I.S to turn off the lights. When he looked back down, Bucky was fast asleep. Steve gently wiped the remnants of his tears away, and stroked his hair away from his face.
He sighed quietly. He wondered what had set Bucky off. He had been doing so well! He hadn't had a panic attack this bad in a while. He hoped against hope that he hadn't caused this distress in the man he loved. However, he had a sneaking suspicion that he had something to do with it.
He decided to ask him when he woke up, but for now, he was just going to enjoy the closeness. Selfishly, he was glad that this had happened. Not the panic attack of course, he knew how much Bucky hated them, and just how trying they were. But he was glad that he finally got an excuse to hold Bucky in his arms. He forgot about the beard, his new facial hair fetish, and the frustration and hurt between him and Bucky due to his avoidance. He slipped into a light sleep as he waited for Bucky to wake up.
When Bucky woke up, he was warm. He could feel his pillow moving, and when he looked up he saw that it was Steve, not a pillow. Everything came rushing back. The panic attack, not being able to breathe, JA.R.V.I.S, Steve rushing in, Steve holding him, and falling asleep. Steve was still sleeping, he looked so peaceful when he slept. Bucky laid his head back down on Steve's chest, and let himself enjoy the moment. It had been so long since he had been close to Steve, better enjoy it while it lasts. He was sure that soon enough Steve would wake up, and go right back to avoiding him. But for now, he'd let himself have this. With that thought in mind, he closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
The next time he woke up, Steve was already awake. He was sitting back against the headboard, with Bucky's head laying against his thigh. He had his fingers running Bucky's long hair, which had been in a ponytail when he went to sleep. Steve didn't seem to notice he was awake at first, just continued stroking his hair and staring into space; he seemed to be thinking about something.
Bucky let himself have a couple more seconds of the warmth Steve was emitting before he shifted, alerting Steve to the fact he was awake.
"You're awake," Steve said warmly, his voice low for Bucky's benefit. His head was always sensitive to sound after a panic attack. Steve took his hand away from Bucky's hair when he made a move to sit up and join him by the headboard. Bucky longed more than anything to just go back to sleep and have Steve resume stroking his hair, but he knew they needed to talk.
Yet, as Steve gazed at him, Bucky found he couldn't voice what he had planned to say. He didn't want to hear what he already knew, that he was a monster and didn't deserve to be with the avengers. That he made everyone uncomfortable, even his best friend. So much so, that his best friend had been avoiding him for weeks. He could take a lot, and he had, but he couldn't take this from Steve. Anyone but Steve. So he just looked down and away from Steve's gaze, picking at a loose thread on the comforter.
Steve waited patiently, he wasn't sure if Bucky wanted to start, or if he wanted Steve to ask. Moments of silence passed, and it didn't look like Bucky was going to be initiating the conversation.
"Do you wanna tell me what triggered it, Buck?" He asked quietly. While he hadn't wanted to be the one to break the silence, he could sense that Bucky needed some prompting. The longer Bucky stayed quiet, the more concerned Steve grew.
"Did someone say something to you?" He tried again, hoping to get an answer. He started to mentally go through a list of all of the people Bucky would have come into contact with today, and how they might have set him off.
"No, Stevie, nothing like that," Bucky rushed to reassure him, he could see the growing anger in his best friend's eyes, and knew what he thinking. "It's just…never mind. It's ok, Stevie, you don't gotta explain. I'll be outta here before mornin."
Steve's eyes widened in surprise and distress, he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"W-What?! Why?! What happened Buck, please talk to me," Steve pleaded, growing desperate. He was so worried about his best friend. He felt terrible, all he had been thinking about lately was the beard. He had been so caught up that he hadn't noticed what was going on with Bucky. How long had he been feeling like this?
"It's ok, Steve. I understand." He said, and he truly did. That didn't mean it didn't feel like his heart was being ripped from his chest, but he knew he deserved this pain, and more.
"Bucky, what's going on?! Why are you leaving? Did I do something? I'm sorry, please stay, I'm sorry I'll do better, but Buck- please I just got you back." He cried, tears welling up in his eyes. Steve looked straight into Bucky's eyes and willed him to understand, to please change his mind, to stay, to stay with him.
Now it was Bucky who was confused. Steve wanted him to stay? He was so lost. He thought Steve would've been happy, this way he didn't have to kick Bucky out.
"W-Wait. You don't want me gone?" He asked, barely letting himself hope.
"Gone? Why on earth would I want you gone?!" Steve asked, bewildered. Why would Bucky think that? Everyone had been very welcoming, and Steve had made sure they wouldn't make Bucky feel out of place. At first the team had just been following orders, but the more they got to know Bucky, the more real it became. Steve knew for a fact that every single one of them would object if someone even broached the subject of Bucky leaving.
"You've been avoiding me for weeks, we haven't talked in forever, you can barely even look at me, fuck, Steve, you can barely be in the same room as me." Bucky listed, and Steve got this sudden look of understanding, that was quickly replaced with a deep blush.
Steve groaned and buried his face in his hands. He couldn't believe this. He knew exactly what had happened and it was all his fault.
"Steve?" Bucky whispered, all he wanted was answers. If Steve didn't want him to leave, then why had he been avoiding him?
Steve took a deep breath, and mentally prepared himself for the rejection that was about to come. He could handle it, 'no you can't' his traitorous thoughts whispered. But that didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was assuring Bucky that he had done nothing wrong, and that everything was, hopefully, going to be okay.
"Okay, well here's the thing…umm…I might have a thing for your beard? That's why I was avoiding you," He forced out, now wishing that he had gotten up and put some distance between the two of them, he couldn't do this with the warmth of Bucky radiating next to him. He made himself continue, "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, or do something to make you upset, so um..well avoiding you seemed like the best option…"
There was long pause. Steve refused to look at Bucky, not wanting to see the disgust on his face.
He couldn't do this. Not when they were so close. He quickly got up and stood beside the bed, staring at the far wall. He was focusing so intently on the wall that he almost didn't notice Bucky getting up until he was right in front of him. He quickly made eye contact when Bucky started speaking.
"Are you saying that, you've been avoiding me for weeks, because you have a thing for my beard?!" Bucky exclaimed incredulously. Steve winced, ok this had seemed like a better plan in his head. Hearing it said out loud, now it seemed like a silly plan.
"Yes." Steve said, shamefully. He was waiting for the moment this sunk in, and Bucky threw him out. He just hoped they could at least be friends.
Bucky was quiet for a moment longer, looking at Steve silently, considering.
"Is it just the beard?" Bucky asked, an guarded sort of hopefulness on his face. Steve didn't see that, however, he was too busy stumbling over his words.
"N-No! No, I mean yes, it's an amazing beard. But I've been in love with you since we were kids, no wait, shit, you weren't supposed to know that. Fuck," Steve swore, he hadn't meant to tell Bucky that. He was making the situation so much worse. "What I mean is…well you see-"
Steve didn't get to finish his sentence, a warm pair of lips were suddenly on his. Immediately Steve let out a moan at the contact, and threw himself into the kiss. He didn't know how long this would last, but dammit if he didn't enjoy what he got.
Bucky brought up his left hand to cup Steve's jaw, his other arm going around his middle to bring him flush with his body. Seeing that Bucky wasn't going to pull away any time soon, Steve took his chance and brought his hands up to Bucky's jaw, burying his hands in his thick beard, like he'd been dreaming of ever since it had grown in. He let out a whimper, and felt himself harden. The facial hair was softer than he had expected, but it still scratched deliciously against his skin.
Bucky gently pulled back, and immediately licked his lips at the picture Steve made. Glazed eyes and spit-slicked, swollen red lips stared back at him. His eyes darkened at the sight; and such a beautiful sight it was.
"Fuck." Steve gasped out, staring at Bucky's lips. His eyes tracked the movement of Bucky's tongue and another whimper caught in his throat.
"W-What does this mean?" Steve whispered, not wanting to break the spell, but also needing to know where Bucky stood. Judging from the bulge he could feel against his hip, it was pretty safe to say that Bucky wanted this, but Steve needed to hear him say it.
"I'm in love with you too." Bucky said, not hesitating for a second. Steve was momentarily shocked; he had thought that Bucky would say yes to sex, but he hadn't let himself hope that Bucky would feel the same way about him.
Bucky chuckled when Steve just stood there, blinking. He waited patiently for Steve to say something, letting his eyes roam freely over the man in front of him, now that he could without consequence.
"R-Really?" Steve mumbled, flustered. Goddamnit, he had to stop stuttering! Bucky just rolled his eyes and kissed him again, swallowing Steve's moan.
Bucky backed Steve against the wall and broke away from his lips, kissing down his neck. Steve moaned, and rolled his hips. Panting, Steve gripped Bucky's shoulders, before he buried one of his hands in Bucky's hair. Bucky hesitated, thinking Steve was going to pull him away, but Steve just pulled him closer.
"Nnnnghh," Steve gasped, Bucky's beard scraped against his neck, creating a wonderful friction. Bucky hummed and sucked a harsh hickey into Steve's neck. He pulled back and looked over his handiwork, his eyes darkening as he took in the dark marks that contrasted with Steve's pale skin. A thrill of possessiveness went through Bucky at the sight.
Mine.
"Yours," Steve moaned out, and Bucky realized he'd said it out loud.
Hearing Steve verbally confirm what he'd wanted for decades gave him a warm feeling in his stomach. Bucky felt a surge of affection for the man and pressed a gentle kiss to Steve's lips. Steve kissed back, equally as gentle, like he knew exactly what was going through Bucky's mind. Honestly, he probably did.
The soft kisses only lasted a few minutes before Steve rolled his hips against Bucky's and Bucky kissed Steve with a renewed intensity.
Bucky left one hand holding Steve's jaw while the other one travelled down his stomach and cupped him through his pants. Steve whimpered and rocked his hips, trying to get more friction. Bucky's hand was only a slight pressure, and Steve was dying for more.
"More, Buck. Fuck, please." Steve gasped out, keening as Bucky applied more pressure.
"Fuck, baby. You look so pretty like this," Bucky mumbled, Steve whimpering at the praise. Bucky noticed his reaction and smirked, "Got a bit of a praise kink, sweetheart?"
"Hnnngh, maybe," Steve moaned. He was having trouble stringing together coherent thoughts, let alone forming sentences.
"Good." Bucky growled, and moved his hands down to Steve's belt buckle, simultaneously unbuckling Steve's pants and pushing his shirt up. Steve got the hint and reached down to finish the job, throwing the shirt somewhere to the side, he didn't care. Bucky finally got the buckle undone and shoved Steve's pants down, all the while sucking on his neck. With no finesse Bucky shoved his hand down Steve's pants and gripped him, and Steve's breath caught.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Steve groaned. Bucky's hand was hard and cold, and Steve realized that Bucky was using his metal hand. He threw his head back and moaned. Well, guess he also had a thing for Bucky's metal arm.
Bucky pumped his hand, using the pre-cum at the tip to slick his way, and kissed down Steve's chest. He roughly tweaked Steve's right nipple and felt Steve shiver. He filed that information away for later, and promised himself one day he'd spend hours worshipping Steve's amazing chest. For now, however, he had other plans in mind.
Bucky sucked one last hickey into Steve's neck before he dropped to his knees.
"W-What are you-," Steve stuttered, breathing heavily. It only took him a moment to realize what Bucky was planning to do, "Shit. Fucking hell, Buck."
"Christ, babydoll, and I haven't done anything yet." Bucky smirked, kissing both of Steve's hipbones. He pushed down Steve's boxers and pumped Steve's cock once before swallowing him to the root.
"FUCK!" Steve yelled, the sudden warm, wet sensation on his dick was too much at once. Bucky hummed, the vibrations sending sparks of pleasure up Steve's spine.
Bucky moaned, bobbing his head up and down. Soon all that could be heard were the moans and whimpers coming from Steve and the soft moaning and slurping sounds coming from Bucky.
Steve could feel himself getting close, so he pulled on Bucky's hair as a warning. To his surprise, Bucky just shook him off and doubled his efforts.
"Bucky, fuck, I'm gonna cum," He mumbled, in a last ditch effort to get Bucky to move away. His back arched and he let out a loud moan as he came, Bucky swallowing everything he had to give. Bucky pulled away a minute too soon and ropes of white dripped onto his beard.
"Fuck, you taste good." Bucky said, standing up and licking his lips.
Steve chuckled and opened his eyes, which had closed sometime ago. They widened when he saw the state of Bucky's beard.
"Oh, fuck. That's just not fair!" Steve whimpered, feeling himself twitch in a valiant effort to get hard again. He brought Bucky into a harsh kiss, he could taste himself on Bucky's tongue.
Steve brought his hand down to grip Bucky through his pants, but was filled with confusion when he didn't feel the bulge he was expecting. He broke the kiss and looked down, seeing a damp spot.
His eyes shot to Bucky's, brows raised in confusion.
Bucky cleared his throat, "What can I say, Stevie, you have a really nice dick."
Steve giggled, then it turned into a full blown laugh. Bucky chuckled, before he reached up and tucked a piece of Steve's hair away from his face. Steve quieted down, gazing at Bucky with a soft fondness.
"Come on, let's go get cleaned up." Steve whispered, tugging Bucky towards the bathroom. He turned on the shower, they stripped down and got in.
Bucky stood under the spray, letting the water soak into his hair. The last couple of hours had been a whirlwind of emotions. Bucky felt Steve come up behind him and press a kiss between his shoulder blades.
"Whatcya thinking about, Buck?" Steve whispered, as he reached over and poured some shampoo into his hand. As he waited for Bucky to answer he lathered up Bucky's hair, gently massaging the shampoo in. Steve moved Bucky around so he could tilt his head to rinse his hair. He was so focused on what he was doing he wasn't aware of the soft gaze Bucky was directing at him.
"Just thinking about today." Bucky whispered back. Once his hair was free of shampoo, he curled into Steve and pressed his face against his neck. Steve brought his hand up and ran his fingers through Bucky's hair.
"Can you tell me what triggered the panic attack?" Steve prodded, his early concern resurfacing. He didn't want to push it if Bucky didn't want to talk about it, but he hoped that he would be willing to share.
"I….I got it in my head that you wanted me gone," He mumbled, not looking at Steve. "That you finally realized that I'm a monster and needed to be out of your life. I thought that's why you were avoiding me."
Steve gasped. He mentally berated himself for avoiding Bucky and not just talking to him and explaining everything. He should have just put it out in the open. Even if Bucky had rejected him, at least he wouldn't have thought all of these horrible things about himself.
Bucky looked up at Steve's gasp, and from the look in Steve's eyes, Bucky knew exactly what he was thinking. He bit his lip. As much as he wanted to reassure Steve that it didn't matter and he knew better now, he still couldn't shake this small voice in his mind that said Steve would eventually realize he was a monster and run away.
Steve kissed him, softly but with intent. "Buck, I don't think you're a monster. It wasn't your fault."
Bucky huffed out a breath and smushed his face back into Steve's neck. He seemed to like it there.
Steve turned off the water and guided Bucky out of the shower and into a fluffy towel. They dried off in silence, then walked into the bedroom. Bucky went over to his dresser and got two pairs of boxers, throwing a pair at Steve. After they got dressed they climbed into bed, Steve quietly asking J.A.R.V.I.S to turn off the lights. He had no idea what time it was but he knew it was time for a nap.
Steve pulled Bucky into his arms as they got comfortable on the bed.
"Sleep, baby." He whispered, carding his fingers through Bucky's hair. He knew they had a long road a head of them; but as he watched Bucky doze off, finally relaxed for the first time in a while, he knew that it was worth it.
Thank you to everyone who read this! I hope you all enjoyed it!
Review?