Warning, might be OOC. I haven't read the books in a long time.
As soon as she's alone, she breaks down.
It hits her like a freight train. The truth didn't hit her as hard as it did when she got the news. And she doesn't know why.
But after all that she's been through, now that she'll finally have peace (or somewhat anyway), it does.
Peeta ― the boy with the bread, her saviour, the one that loved her despite her flaws ― is dead.
He's never coming back.
Ever.
And so is Prim. Oh her sweet Prim.
Gone are the two people she cares the most.
Gone.
And nothing else matters.
Greasy Sae finds her the next morning staring at a wall, her mind blank and her cheeks stained with dried tears and snot.
"Take a bath," she tells her. "I'll make you breakfast."
Cleaning and bathing don't matter to Katniss anymore. It won't make her feel better.
But she does anyway, to humour her.
"Grieve," she tells her later. "But don't forget yourself."
Katniss doesn't mind losing herself though.
Most of the time, she's alone.
Greasy Sae comes by every now and then to check and see if she's breathing. She sees Haymitch once in a blue moon. When she does, he's drunk as ever.
She blames it on herself for chasing Gale away. Gale who has her back, Gale who fuels her fire, Gale who would have stayed if she told him to.
But as soon as he crosses her mind, Prim pops in her head and all Katniss can think is that they should not be put together at all.
Maybe being alone isn't such a bad idea.
But then, there are the nightmares.
Peeta isn't here to chase them away. Gale isn't here to try.
Because they're gone and it's all her fault.
One day, Finnick drops by.
He's all smiles, flirty and shiny teeth, just like the day she met him, standing on her doorstep.
But she knows, oh she does, that beneath it all is a broken, broken man that might never be repairable.
Just like her.
There's a duffle bag next to him and immediately, she realises why he's here, what he craves for. After all, that's what she wants too.
She lets him in.
"Why here?"
They're at the Meadow and Finnick is busy doing laps in the lake. She can tell that Finnick isn't really in love with the lake. It's not like the vast seas of District 4. But that'll have to do. For now.
He just looks at her with intensely and says stoically, "I couldn't stay. Not when I see her everywhere I go."
He dives under before she could reply.
Finnick's not as good as Peeta when it comes to chasing away nightmares.
Usually when she wakes up screaming, he'll be in front of her, asking if she's okay, hesitating to comfort her.
Hesitating to take Peeta's place.
But she later lets him when she can't take it anymore. She lets him climb into her bed and hold her until dawn comes.
"Is this okay?" he asks as he pulls her closer to him.
Katniss closes her eyes and imagines that the scent she inhales is of baked bread and not of the salty sea. She wraps a leg around his and buries her head under his neck.
"Yes," she whispers.
Greasy Sae doesn't come by as often as she usually would. Maybe she wants to give them space. Maybe she feels like she's intruding on their non-intimate relationship.
Katniss takes it upon herself to learn how to cook because she doesn't want to burden Greasy Sae. And she doesn't want Greasy Sae to feel uncomfortable with Finnick's presence.
Finnick goes to the lake to fish. He comes home complaining about the quality and lack of variety of fish, resulting in heated arguments, meaningless kisses and silent regrets.
Finnick tastes like salt, salt and salt. She blames this mostly on the tears he cries. She blames it on her own tears too.
"Annie," he'd whisper as they collide.
"Peeta," she'd whisper back.
They keep themselves busy in other ways too.
Katniss is the one that proposes the idea of keeping a book of memories ― partially to heal, partially to keep memories alive.
Finnick agrees.
She writes and he draws. He isn't as good as Peeta but he's still better than her.
She finds herself watching him sometimes, his contorted facial features as he concentrates hard at the task in hand. She likes it on him, the look of attentiveness.
The pages are soon filled with details about people that have passed on ― of Peeta and Annie and Mags and Prim and Cinna ― and people that are still breathing like Gale and Johanna and Haymitch.
It's hard at first and they'd spend their time sobbing than recording. But it gets better as time passes.
But it's not enough. It's not enough to heal her.
When she finally decides to give in to her demons, she drowns herself in the lake.
She panics at first, struggling to resurface. But as her mind shuts down, she lets herself take in as much water as she can and stills her movements, letting her body float in eternal darkness.
But then, strong arms wrap themselves around her and then she struggles again.
She wants to scream. She wants to hit her assailant. She just wants to die.
But the arms win and they heave her up to the surface. She coughs violently, choking on her tears and lake water, and screams.
She screams and screams and screams. Finnick holds her, stroking her hair to calm her down. They don't pull away for a while.
"Why can't we join them?" she croaks when her voice is hoarse.
Finnick doesn't respond at first.
"Because we just can't."
Katniss is busy pondering over the colour for Peeta's eyes when Finnick pokes his head into her room.
"District 4?"
She blinks. "Okay."
District 4. Sure.
The sea sparkles under the bright sun in various hues, from deep violet to azure blue to the colour of Finnick's eyes.
It's beautiful.
Finnick shows her around. He talks animatedly about the beaches and the district's lifestyle. He talks about swimming and sandcastles. He talks about tides and waves.
She can tell that his smile doesn't reach his eyes.
She hears his cries in the middle of the night and her whole body aches. The sounds remind her of her own tears.
So she knocks on his door, climbs into his bed, ignores his whispers for Annie and holds him until sunrise.
Like the way he holds her.
"Thank you," he tells her later.
She shrugs. "Everybody needs comfort, don't they?"
He smiles. "Yes, they do."
She stops inhaling the scent of bread. He stops calling for Annie.
One morning, she returns from the sea to the shock of her life.
Finnick is sitting with him, chatting like old friends, in his home. They stop to register her presence.
Gale smiles softly. "Hey Catnip."
It's awkward at first but then again, it's Gale. She can never stay awkward with him.
She shows him around the way Finnick did and explores the shores with him. They hold hands and brush shoulders. They laugh and smile.
Days later, she realises that she has finally forgiven him.
But then, Finnick distances himself from her.
It's strange and so unlike Finnick. It's not like how he acted when he received the news of Annie's death. He's rigid and stiff. He hardly spares her a glance and locks his door at night, muffling his own screams. He's formal and greets Katniss like greeting a stranger.
When Gale decides to take an afternoon swim one day, she pelts him with endless questions until he snaps.
"Just shut up! Shut up!"
"Just tell me what's wrong?!" she yells back. "What did I do wrong?!"
He runs his fingers through his hair. "It's not you. It's not―"
"Then?! Then?! Why're you―"
"It's me!"
She falters, staring at him. She can't decipher what he just said.
"It's me!" he repeats. "You happy now?!"
"What? What do you―?"
That's when he kisses her hard and for the first time, it means something. Oh, it means something. She feels the stir in her chest. It takes her breath away.
Oh. Oh.
He leaves her dishevelled against the kitchen wall.
They don't speak after that.
"District 4 is wonderful," murmurs Gale.
Katniss nods in agreement, laying her head on his shoulder. They don't speak for a while.
"I met someone."
She expects to feel anger, sadness, surprised. But all she could feel is relief. Relieved that Gale has moved on. That Gale isn't in love with her fragile self any longer.
"That's wonderful," she whispers.
"Yeah," he replies quietly. "You could be happy too, you know?"
She's confused at first but then, it hits her.
Finnick. He means Finnick.
"Our relationship's been strained lately."
"Then fix it. He makes you happy, no?"
Not lately.
She closes her eyes. "He helps me through the night."
Gale laughs. "There you go." He pulls her closer. "Do you know why I'm here?"
"No."
"He wants you and me to mend. He said we have unfinished business. He wants to know if you still love me."
She still loves him. She'll never stop loving Gale Hawthorne. But she doesn't love him that way anymore.
"Don't be afraid to move on. He would've wanted you too."
He would've. He would've.
Gale returns to District 2 the next morning.
They leave the day after.
"Do you love me?"
Finnick doesn't move from the doorframe. He leans against it with arms crossed, his green eyes fixed on her. It's the first time he spoke to her in a long time.
She sighs. "Finnick, let's not―"
"Do you love me?"
She hopes that Peeta won't hate her for this. She pulls Finnick into a kiss.
"I don't know," she says lowly when she pulls away. "I don't know what to feel." She registers his crestfallen look. "But give me time. Give us time."
For a split second, she's afraid he'll yell at her again. But his expression softens.
"Do you want me to stay, then?"
She doesn't hesitate to say yes.
The days slowly get better. They don't wake up screaming and crying as often as before and before they know it, they stop doing so altogether. They stay in one bed because they want to.
Years down the road, Finnick will ask her to marry him. She'll not reject him for Peeta's sake.
"Yes. Yes."
They have twins, a boy with his eyes and her hair, and a girl with her eyes and his hair. She names her Annie and he names him Peeta.
"If our next baby is a girl," Finnick says when their twins are asleep. "I'm gonna call her Prim."
Her heart doesn't break any more when her sister is brought up. She can talk about her and Peeta without breaking down. So does Finnick, with Annie of course.
Katniss shakes her head. "No. No more babies."
He laughs and kisses her.
Okay, maybe one more.
Their babies' cries interrupts them.
"I love you."
Katniss Odair smiles. In an alternate world when no one would've died, she wouldn't be hearing those words falling out of his mouth. Heck, she wouldn't have met him. She wouldn't have fallen in love with him.
That doesn't mean she has forgotten about Peeta. Her sweet baker is somewhere in the afterlife, happy for her. And she knows it. After all, he's Peeta Mellark. He'll always be happy with whatever choice she makes.
She doesn't hesitate to respond.
"I love you too."