When was it that you had fallen in love?
You hadn't realised what it meant to love someone.
You were never the type to obsess over something like love, you were always too preoccupied with work, never had time for this sort of thing. You are a leader- you lead, you work hard, you focus, you are determined, you are stoic, you are cold, you are emotionless…
That was what you thought
Until you met her - and your world turned completely upside down.
When had it been that you felt this way?
Was it the first time you laid eyes on her ..and you felt as though the sun was directing it's gaze upon you - its radiant shine reflecting off those soft amber eyes which mesmerised you before you realised?
Or was it when she hurt herself and you stayed with her in the hospital for two weeks…you knew that very instance that you were bounded to this girl. You were never the one to express your emotions freely but why did it feel so natural when it came to her?
Could it have been the many times that she was there to comfort you? She soothed away your pain - the pain you held so dear to your heart, the many fronts that you kept up to protect you - she took them down, took down your walls, and consoled you, held you close to her heart.
When you wanted to give up- to surrender to your weaknesses…when you failed your exam, when you made mistakes in archery, when you lost your grandfather..she had never left your side, even when you wished for everything to end.
So why was it that you felt your heartbeat quicken when she brushed her fingers against your hand, when you felt your cheeks heating up when she murmured your name in that sweet angelic voice of hers, when you couldn't resist saying 'no' to her so you agree to everything she says…
Why was it that you loved her?
She had opened you up so easily - like opening up a book. Your stoic facade never fazed her - never made her shudder under your cold glares, your stern lectures, she never whimpered at the sight of you - instead she smiled, her smile as warm as the summer days, as adorable as a newborn kitten - she was never afraid of you, no, not like the others…she was different.
You couldn't help but smile back at her when she smiled at you. You couldn't help but die inside when she cried embracing you, calling out your name over and over. You couldn't help but want to be the reason of her smile, how selfishly it may be - how selfless you needed to be, you couldn't help but want this, and only this.
Yet,
Why did it felt like your heart was shattering into a million fragments when she called out to your best friend instead of you? Why was it that when she cried she wanted the other girl to embrace and comfort her when you could have easily done the same? Why did your heartbeat quicken, chest tightened, eyes watered and throat constricted and it felt as though you were suffocating when she called out her name affectionately - when she chose her over you.
Why did it hurt so much to love?
Why weren't you more honest with your feelings? Why couldn't you cry out to her - call her name, call for her when you needed her the most. Why did you lie when she asked if you were alright, when you felt like your soul was shattering and dissipating. Why couldn't you admit to yourself that you had loved her for all these years …which felt like an eternity to you? Why didn't you tell her that you yearned for her - that you craved her touch - that you desperately wanted to hold onto her so you knew that if you were ever going to lose anything in this world… it wouldn't be her.
Why did you let her go? Why didn't you fight for her? Why did you push her to your best friend? Why did you sacrifice to see her smile - even when it wasn't for you? Why did you do so knowing so well that it pained your heart and soul to see her holding hands happily with your best friend? For her to smile for someone else.
For her to be happy without you.
If you were the sea, she would be the ship on shore,
If you were a tree, she would be a bird perched on your branches,
If you were space, she would be the radiant star,
If you were the moon, she would be the sun,
because no matter what,
you would wish for her happiness over yours,
When was it that you had fallen in love?