Stay: Will during Jem's death

My whole life, I've been waiting for the right time…to tell you how I feel. And though I tried to...tell you that I need you…here I am without you. I feel so lost… but what can I do? Because I know this love seems real, but I don't know how to feel…

I remember it as if it was only yesterday, finding and naming my parabatai, James Carstairs, a little half Asian boy from China with a weird health issue that he refused to tell me the specifics of. We were about twelve at the time, when I requested that he'd be my brother in arms. He agreed…eventually, albeit reluctantly, after weeks of my pestering him for his answer, and a few short weeks later, we were bound. And now here I sit, six years later, at his bedside for what I know to be the very last time.

"Will…I-"

"Hush, Brother, I know, Tessa will return shortly with a glass of water." I replied holding his hand comfortingly. I blink back tears of overwhelming pain as yet another spasm of demon blood attempts to over -take him. He hacked and coughed up a little blood, I fought the urge to hold him as he fought to overcome this bought of sickness. His silvery eyes landed on my face, tears mirroring my own.

"Will, what have you…gotten yourself into?" he wheezed chuckling weakly. I smirked, my façade of a calm, collected individual, who never once feared death, my demon hunting face, my brave face, or for those of you who gamble, my poker face. Jem's luminescent but quickly dulling eyes shot right through it though, I felt my walls start to crumble again. No, not now, not when he needs you the most William, be a man! I scolded myself, recognizing my self-destruct buttons immediately. Jem's eyes fluttered closed. I panicked.

"Jem? Jem, mate, Tessa has yet to return, YOU CAN NOT DIE YET!" I bellowed the last part hoping to break through to death's conscience, and reclaim my best friend as my own.

"Silence, William, I was merely dosing, by the angel can't a man sleep?" Jem snapped back opening his now only grey eyes, the silvery sheen now absent. He smiled good naturedly, there was my Jem, I couldn't help but blush in embarrassment. He chuckled, before succumbing to yet another coughing fit.

We say goodbye in the pouring rain, and I break down as you walk away (stay, stay)… 'Cause all my life I've felt this and I could never find the words to say….(stay, stay)…

*Flash-forward*

"Today we are gather to remember and celebrate the young and tragic life of James Carstairs that unfortunately has come to a bitter sweet end, so soon." The Consul recited with almost perfect practice. The pyre was lit, Jem's thin and ever so fragile body was wrapped tightly in his family crest and banner, the heavens seemed to mourn his life as well, rain pouring down on Tessa, Charlotte, Henry, Jessemine and I as well as Gideon Lightwood, and Sophie, Tessa's former hand maiden now married and training to become a full-fledged shadow hunter of sorts. The rain soaking Jem, bringing out his actually fairly dark hair, which had curiously enough faded into it's original black state after he took his last breathe. I now could see the hallows of his cheeks and the delicate set of his eyes that made him so distinctly not quite English. Tessa dapped her eyes and mourned her ever so recently named husband, quickly married and just as quickly widowed. I allowed her the comfort of my presence, although I could barely stand not crying myself, he was my everything, my best friend as well as my brother, my go to, my confidante, my shadow and my conscience. I lost good deal of myself when I lost him, and never once did I let him know it

Alright, everything is alright…since you came along. And before you…I had nowhere to run to…had nothing to hold on to, I came so close to giving it you. and I wonder if you know…how it feels…to let you go…

*flash-back*

"JAMIE!" I bellowed, the boy did not answer right away but after a few moments of deliberate thinking he spoke simply.

"Not even my father called me that, call me Jem, and I shall call you Will." His oddly bright eyes danced in the fire light as he looked up at me from his studies. He smiled genuinely, "Now what is it Will? That you must pester me so? Can't you see I'm trying to learn?" I giggled at his fancy northerner talk and sat down across from him.

" You never answered me." I replied. Jem looked momentarily confused before his eyes lit up in recognition.

"I don't…." he trailed off, looking down at his paper, his ever pale cheeks now held a light pink blush.

"You don't want to be my parabatai?" I asked, feeling my self-loathing kicking in again. I blinked back tears.

"No, I don't want to be a bother…" he said erasing all my fears in one phrase.

We say goodbye in the pouring rain, and I break down as you walk away (Stay, stay) because all my life I've felt this way and I could never find the words to say (stay, stay)….

*Present –day*

"Will?" I heard Jem's weak whisper from my position next his infirmary bed, we moved him there recently with his health quickly depleting, Charlotte thought it would be for the best. "Take care of Tessa won't you? Don't be crass, and someday find your own Tessa? For me?" a stray tear escaped his eye, I felt a few of my own form.

"Jem, don't you dare, no, not now, I-" Need you I finished the sentence in my mind as Jem cut me off with a squeeze of my hand.

"Stop lying," He carried on, "And don't let the memories haunt you, it was never your fault that any of it happened, do you understand me? And remember that we are your family, and we will always love you Will. Always…" he coughed slightly.

"Jem I won't loose you like I lost-"

"William, shut up!" Jem snarled, flinching after doing so. "Give Tessa my love, and tell her I'm sorry…so sorry…." He said as his eyes closed for the last time. I bit my lip before answering.

"Yes, Jem, for you…I will…"

So change your mind, say you're mine…don't leave tonight…STAY…We say goodbye in the pouring rain and I break down as you walk away (Stay, stay) 'Cause all my life I've felt this way but I could NEVER find the words to say…Stay with me, stay with me..Stay…stay…

*Flash-forward*

Tessa and I stood there for a while staring at the freshly made ashes of our Jem. Smoke still spiraling up and away from us, just as his life had.

"What did he say? You never did tell me." Tessa said, her voice sounding raw but firm, That was OUR Tessa, always playing strong.

"He said he was sorry, so sorry, and that…" I heaved a sigh and blinked rapidly to keeps the tears at bay, "he- he loves you…" my voice broke with emotion as the words slipped out of my mouth. Tessa nodded before burying her head into my shoulder and letting the sobs flow deeply. Jem what have you done? Leaving me so…alone? Leaving her so…utterly desolate and broken? Why Jem why? I thought at him, my own tears and sobs harmonizing with Tessa's, our pain, so equal but so irrevocably different. "Goodbye, my brother, goodbye, my gem." I whispered as I stroked Tessa's hair, just like he would have done.

Stay with me!