"Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him."
― George R.R. Martin
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"You have to talk about it," Dave said.
"Not tonight." I pleaded.
"Yes tonight, while it's still fresh," Dave encouraged.
"I can't" I say weakly. "It doesn't… parts of it don't make sense to me."
"They don't have to. Tell me what it smelt like. Tell me how it felt. Start at the beginning, start at the end… I don't care but start!
"Now, what do you remember?" Dave asks.
I'm sitting on the edge of the ambulance, staring off into the night. I hear Dave calling my name. He wants to talk about what happened tonight, but I don't know what's real. All I know is that a few short moments ago I thought my team, no my family was killed, and I know that I was seconds away from shooting the man in front of me.
"Aaron. Aaron. Hotch!" calls Rossi.
I look completely horror struck. Rossi doesn't know how much more of this I can take. Come on 'Aaron, please snap out of it', he nternally begs.
I finally look up and Dave asks, "What happened?"
"This is what happened, I pulled into the house, and grabbed my vest, and gun. I went inside, and she started talking, saying how he wanted me to see this, and she stabbed herself. I tried to help her, but I couldn't. Next thing I know he is behind me, and sprays me. I fire a couple shots, and I saw a vase, and tried to wash the drugs off my face. We fought a bit more, and hit me over the head, and I think he was wearing a gas mask," states Aaron.
"Okay, Aaron. Go on," Dave says encouragingly.
"He sprayed me again, and then everything just went foggy," says Aaron.
"Did you pass out?" inquires Dave.
"I believe so," says Aaron. "I can't remember anything for a minute or so."
"Alright, go on," says Dave.
"I thought I heard the phone ringing, but then it wasn't. He asked me what I saw when I looked at him; if I saw Mr. Scratch like the others. He told me I couldn't move, and I tried reaching for my phone, but my arms wouldn't respond. I said something, I think his name, and he told me I couldn't speak, and then I couldn't. They were there, but I couldn't get them to come out," says Aaron.
"What happened next?" asks Dave.
"I looked at Dr. Regan, and he told me not to cry for her, that she deserved what she got. He then said that she used to burn sage during the sessions, and I confronted him about how he would have had to have been there to know that," says Aaron.
"And then?" prods Dave.
"He said that I could talk, and that he wanted to know what I was feeling. My phone was ringing again or… still? I'm not sure," admits Aaron.
"That's fine Aaron, keep going," encourages Dave.
"I told him you were coming, and I told him what I knew about the sessions, and how coercive they were, and that he obviously was pushed to say the lies as well," says Aaron. "He then pointed my gun at my head, told me to shut up, and then said that it was so good, how I got into his head, and it made him want to know how to get into mine."
"What happened next?" asks Dave.
"We heard a car pull up, and I told him the team would kill him. He asked me if I was sure about that, and then," Aaron froze.
"What happened then, Aaron?" asks Dave.
"It was quit but shots were fired, and Jayje was screaming, and Derek told me to sound off, so I told him where I was. He came up to me, and I asked him where Lewis was, he said he had shot him, but he hadn't. Lewis came up behind him, and shot him," says Aaron shaking.
"What happened next?" asks Dave.
"He said that he now knew what scared me, and pointed my gun at me, I panicked, and he turned the gun pack on Morgan, and k-killed him," says Aaron.
"It's alright Aaron. Everyone's fine," says Dave.
"Next thing I know, everything was back to normal and he was sitting in front of me, and told me that I could move. You guys pulled up, and he gave me a knife, saying that he was coming through the door, and I had to kill him, before he killed me," says Aaron.
"Go on," encourages Dave.
"I told him that I needed my gun, and he tossed it. I grabbed it and aimed it at the door. I couldn't see him in the room with me anymore," says Aaron. "You and Reid opened the door, and just as that happened, I was somehow able to turn, and I shot… God Dave,"
"You shot at him, not us, Aaron," says Dave.
"I tried so hard to fight him Dave," says Aaron. "I almost killed you!"
"But you didn't Aaron," states Dave simply.
"It felt so real. I thought you all died." I said weakly.
"I know Aaron. I know," Dave says.
Dave puts his hand on my back, and l finally breakdown sobbing for the family I thought I lost.
After several minutes my breathing finally steadied.
"Ready to go?" Dave asks.
"Y-yes" I mumble.
On the drive back to Quantico, Aaron had remained silent. He was still trying to sort out what happened to him. Meanwhile, Dave was driving, and thinking about everything that his friend has been through. He has never seen that much terror in Hotch's eyes. "How much more can he take?" Dave asks himself.
As they walked back into headquarters, Hotch went to his office, and closed the door. Dave new better then to protest; he recognized the normally stoic leader needed some time to himself to process everything that happened.
Walking into the conference room, Dave was greeted by the rest of the team.
"How is he?" JJ asks.
"I honestly don't know," Dave sighs.
"What do you think he meant by 'You have no idea what I did to him?" asks Derek.
"Nothing good," says Dave grudgingly.
"It's late. Let's call it a night," Derek says.
"Agreed!" everybody chimes.
"Just give me a minute, to fetch Hotch," Dave says, and starts walking to Hotch's office.
Suddenly there was a knock.
"Aaron!" yells Dave, pulling the leader from his thoughts.
"W-what Dave?" I look up startled.
"It's late. Go home to your son," orders Dave.
"Fine." I mumble, and grab my things; quickly deciding to call Jessica to see if she could spend another night with Jack.
The next morning Hotch managed to roll himself out of bed, still exhausted from a mostly sleepless night. Quickly glancing at his phone he realizes he missed a call from Mateo Cruz. "Great!" he thought, deciding that he would wait to call the Section Chief back until after he's had some coffee. He was not looking forward to that particular conversation.
He didn't feel much better about it afterwards either. Cruz ordered a Psych Eval, which was expected, and ordered him to take a couple personal days as well.
He wasn't overly worried about the Psych Eval though. Hell, THEY wrote the questions. He hated them, but he could answer the questions in his sleep. He'd deal with it, and he would do anything to be back with his team.
AT THE BAU:
"Has anyone heard from Hotch?" Jayje asks.
"Yeah, Cruz wants him to take a few personal days. I'm Acting Unit Chief." says Derek.
"I'm worried about him." Dave says.
"And what Lewis said?" Derek prodded.
"Aren't you?" Kate shot back.
"Do you think Boss Man'll come back?" asks Penelope.
"I do Baby Girl. I just don't know what he'll look like when he does," says Derek. "He can't take much more!"
"I know," says Dave "Do we know how the suggestions work?"
"How long they last?" asks JJ.
"No idea. Why?" asks Derek.
"I'm just thinking about what Lewis said, and what Hotch told me. Lewis wanted him to shoot us - the first person walking through the door – but he fought it. What if he can't keep fighting it?" says Dave.
"Then we get him the help he needs. He's family" says Derek.
"Anything for family!" says Penelope.
"I'm going over there later," says Dave.
Hotch's POV:
I've been lost in my thoughts for most of the day. With Jack being at school, I have the apartment to myself, and there's not much else to do. Haley always did joke that I was actually married to my job and team.
I'm exhausted, but after the nightmare last night, I don't want to risk sleep, and regardless Dave called to tell me he's planning on coming over later.
"Lewis was right." I think to myself. "Whatever happens to him or me now, he wins. Everything is still so vivid, and I can't get what he tried forcing me to do out of my head. What I almost did. I can't get my dead team out of my head; my worst nightmare. What if I hadn't been able to turn just in time? I'd be sitting in a jail cell, and Dave, who's like my brother, would be dead because of me." Feeling sick, I try to shake that thought away.