Mutantly Delicious

"You're out of your mind!" Remy snapped.

"Look who's talking," Pyro shot back. "You're the one who won't face facts!"

"You do not have any facts," Piotr told him. "All you have is speculation."

"It's not speculation! It's evidence!" Pyro shouted. "You blokes just can't accept it!"

"Forget it Pyro," Remy snorted. "There's no way you're right."

"You are not right either," Piotr interjected. "You are just as wrong as him."

"What?" Remy yelled.

"Ha!" Pyro laughed at him. "Wait a second...hey!"

"You're crazy!" Remy declared.

"You are mistaken," Piotr replied.

"You're both mad!" Pyro shouted. "I'm the only one who's making sense!"

"No you are not!" Remy and Piotr yelled back.

"What the heck is going on in here?" Mastermind asked he entered the kitchen. Remy, Piotr and Pyro were seated around the counter with several boxes spread around them.

"Finally! Another opinion!" Pyro dragged Mastermind over and threw an arm around his shoulders. "Mastermind will agree with me. Won't ya Masty?"

"Let me go," Mastermind shook free of Pyro's arm. "And don't call me Masty."

"No problem, mate," Pyro waved. "So what do ya think?"

"About what?" Mastermind asked. "What are you talking about?"

"We're debating one of the most important and pressing questions of our time!" Pyro declared passionately. "Who would win in a fight: Tony the Tiger, Cap'n Crunch or Lucky the Leprechaun?"

"Huh?" Mastermind blinked.

"I am telling you Pyro, Tony the Tiger is the strongest, most physically capable candidate," Piotr stated. "He would certainly win."

"Are you kidding?" Remy snapped. "The Cap'n would just cruise up in his ship and blow 'em away! All the muscles in the world won't help you catch a cannonball."

"But magic could!" Pyro defended. "Lucky would just wiggle his fingers and turn all the cannonballs into marshmallows! Then he'd turn Tony and that Crunch bloke into soft, cuddly pillow plushies!"

"Oh please," Remy snorted. "Lucky can't even manage to fend off a bunch of little kids. You really expect him to stand up to Cap'n Crunch's fully armed man-o-war?"

"Cap'n Crunch does not have a man-o-war," Piotr said. "He does not even have a sword. Tony the Tiger would easily beat him. And the leprechaun's magic only affects objects."

"What are you talking about?" Remy looked at him. "Crunch is a captain for crying out loud! Of course he has a man-o-war!"

"And Lucky's magic can affect people!" Pyro insisted. "Which means neither of your two galahs would ever stand a chance!"

"Yes they would!" Remy and Piotr shouted.

"No they wouldn't!" Pyro yelled.

"Huh?" Mastermind blinked again and looked at the younger Acolytes in shock. "Wait a second. Let me get this straight. You are talking about three different breakfast cereal mascots?"

"Nope," Pyro shook his head. "We're talking about a lot of different breakfast cereal mascots. You just happened to walk in during the Tony-Lucky-Crunch debate."

"You would be surprised at what all we have found out about them," Piotr said holding up a box. "For example, we are fairly certain Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is a serious chocoholic."

"Choco-what?" Mastermind blinked.

"Chocoholic," Remy repeated. "It's like an alcoholic except for chocolate. And instead of trying to dry him out and sober up, the company encourages kids to give in to Sonny's cravings."

"Not to mention their own," Pyro nodded. "Which explains a lot when you think about it."

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned.

"Sonny also seems to have a lot in common with this bloke," Pyro held up another box. "He and this Toucan Sam share a lot of similar characteristics. Both are birds. Both have big noses..."

"And they both like extremely sugary cereals that turn milk different colors," Piotr noted.

"Though Toucan Sam seems to be a bit more powerful than Sonny," Pyro noted. "Hey, maybe Toucan Sam is actually a mutant!"

"Oh no, not again," Remy groaned. "Pyro, Toucan Sam is not, I repeat, not a mutant!"

"Sure he is!" Pyro chirped. "Just look at him! He's got a super sense of smell! He's just like Sabes and Wolverine!"

"I am sure they would both be thrilled to hear that comparison," Piotr said.

"That means it's a type of mutant power!" Pyro insisted. "How many other birds are there that can smell? Do birds even have a sense of smell?"

"That's a good question," Remy paused. "You might actually have a point."

"I can't stand it," Mastermind was clearly too stunned to move.

"And Toucan Sam isn't the only example of mutants among breakfast cereral mascots," Pyro went on. "Just look at Lucky the Leprechaun and the Trix Rabbit."

"Hey, I thought we agreed magic does not count as mutant powers," Remy gave him a look. "Powers, yes. But not mutant ones."

"And the Trix Rabbit does not seem to have any powers," Piotr commented.

"I'm not talking about powers. I'm talking about the way they're treated," Pyro explained. "Think about it. Lucky is always being hounded to give away his cereal and the Trix Rabbit isn't even allowed to eat his? It's mutant discrimination plain and simple!"

"That does seem rather strange," Piotr thought. "Most of the other cereal mascots are actually shown to eat their cereals."

"It's because they're mutants!" Pyro declared. "The humans are afraid to let mutants eat cereal. They want it all for themselves!"

"Why would anyone be afraid to let certain people eat cereal?" Piotr wondered.

"The teachers would have to deal with kids after their parents dump them off on them for one," Remy quipped.

"There must be something those poor mutants mascots can do," Pyro throught. "Maybe the Trix Rabbit could ask for tips from Quiky the Nesquik Bunny."

"Hey, we agreed to stick to cereal mascots, remember?" Remy reminded him. "Besides, we already agreed about who would win in a fight between him and Kool-Aid Man."

"Oh yeah. I forgot," Pyro blinked. "What if Lucky and the Trix Rabbit talked to Chester Cheetah instead? He used to not be allowed to eat his product, but later found a way. He could probably give them lots of advice."

"Pyro I just said we agreed to stick to breakfast cereal mascots!" Remy gave him a look. "Last I checked Cheetos are not a breakfast cereal."

"Yes they are!" Pyro insisted holding up a bag.

"Oh yeah? Who do you know eats Cheetos like cereal?" Remy asked.

"Out of my way lunkheads," Sabertooth entered the kitchen and grabbed the bag of Cheetos out of Pyro's hands. He poured himself a bowl, opened the refridgerator, dumped some milk into the bowl and began eating. "Good breakfast."

"Never mind," Remy groaned.

"That reminds me of something," Piotr spoke up. "Why is it cereal commercials always say their product is 'part of a complete breakfast' when most of their cereals contain large amounts of sugar?"

"That's nothing," Pyro waved. "The real question is why do they always show the cereal with a plate of toast, orange juice and a big glass of milk? Wouldn't they have added milk to the cereal already?"

"And who eats toast with cereal anyway?" Remy added. "Toast is for when you have a real breakfast like eggs, catfish and grits."

"I wish I was a having a breakfast were none of this was real," Mastermind groaned.

"And another thing," Piotr ignored Mastermind's plight. "How come there are not any female cereal mascots? All the other breakfast cereal mascots are male."

"Good point. They should come up with some female mascots to balance it out," Remy smirked at the thought. "Maybe they'll come up with one like that long haired siren used by that big coffehouse company."

"They actually make that now," Pyro piped up. "Coffee flavored breakfast cereal."

"Really?" Remy's eyebrows shot up. "We gotta get ourselves some of that!"

"Uh, maybe we should not," Piotr warned.

"You said it, mate," Pyro nodded heatedly. "Coffee is disgusting enough as it is. Coffee flavored breakfast cereal would just taste terrible! They probably use a yucky looking mascot with it too. Like a worm or an insect or something."

"What is wrong with having an insect for a mascot?" Piotr asked. "Some insect mascots are quite nice. Like that bee for Honey-Nut Cheerios. He is my favorite mascot."

"Really?" Remy looked at him in surprise. "I always liked Tony the Tiger myself."

"Huh?" Piotr frowned in confusion. "I thought you said Cap'n Crunch was better."

"No, I said Cap'n Crunch would win a fight if it ever came down to it," Remy corrected. "For a favorite mascot though it's definitely Tony."

"Ha! Talk about divided loyalties," Pyro giggled.

"Oh really?" Remy glared. "Who's your favorite mascot?"

"It is not the sun from that raisin cereal is it?" Piotr asked.

"Nope," Pyro grinned holding up a box. "It's Zippy Jolt the Lightning Bolt! The Official Mascot of Honey Twizzled Sugar Crystals!"

"Oh no!" Piotr groaned. "Not that stuff again!"

"Yeah, like there's a real mascot winner," Remy drawled.

"Hey, at least Zippy Jolt is a true original mascot!" Pyro snapped. "Unlike that barely concealed rip-off Cap'n Crunch."

"What?!" Remy yelped. "Cap'n Crunch is not a rip off!"

"Yes he is!" Pyro shot back. "Shave off his mustache and replace his hat and he looks just like that bloke on the oatmeal box!"

"Can you believe this?" Mastermind blinked as the Acolytes continued to argue amongst themselves.

"Are you kidding?" Sabertooth grunted between bites. "You should have been here during the comic strip debates."

"Hey, I got an idea!" Pyro's voice rose above the argument. "We should make our own breakfast cereal!"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked.

"What are you talking about?" Remy frowned.

"Just think about it!" Pyro chirped in excitement. "We'll manufacture our very own breakfast cereal. Cereal made by mutants, with mutants, for mutants! We'll make our own logo, mascot, slogan and boxtops!"

"Come on Pyro," Remy scoffed. "Why would we ever want to make a breakfast cereal?"

"To help spread the mutant word!" Pyro declared passionately. "To combat all the anti-mutant propaganda out there among breakfast cereals! It will be great! We'll call our cereal 'Acolytes' and have it include marshmallows and little maple sugar bits! And the logo with be a capital A with a little arrowhead built into it!"

"Yeah right," Remy scoffed. "What kind of lame-o team would ever choose that as a symbol for anything?"

"Come on mates! We can do it!" Pyro cheered. "Whaddya say Colossus? Wouldn't you like a chance to draw and design an original breakfast cereal mascot?"

"Well, maybe," Piotr admitted.

"That's the spirit!" Pyro cackled. "Hey, maybe we can convince Mags to help! Ask him to create some kind of super formula we can add to the cereal that will help activate people's X-genes! And make existing X-genes stronger! Sound good Gambit?"

"Forget it Pyro. I'm not gonna get mixed up in another crazy, hopeless idea," Remy snorted.

"It might help you win over that white-striped shelia you like," Pyro suggested. "Especially if she ends up liking the cereal."

"I'm in!" Remy grinned eagerly. "Well what are we standing around here for? Let's do it!"

"Yay! Yahoo! Charge!" The three young Acolytes cheered and stormed out of the kitchen.

Mastermind simply continued to stare in shock for a minute. "What just happened here? I have absolutely no idea what goes on in this place."

"Better get used to it," Sabertooth growled. "Those three idiots remind me of those wimpy characters Snap, Crackle and Pop. Except in this case those lunatics should be called Stupid, Crazy and Pyro!"

"They do seem to live up to those labels," Mastermind sighed.

"No kidding. Those fools are as weird and chaotic as they come," Sabertooth grunted finishing his bowl. "Mmm, that was a good breakfast. Think I'll have some more. Hmmm, wonder what it would taste like if I used beer instead of milk?"

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned. "I have to get out of here before I become another unbalanced part of this completely wrecked cast!"

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or any of the mascots for Frosted Flakes, Cap'n Crunch, Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Froot Loops, Trix, Nesquik, Kool-Aid, Cheetos, Starbucks, Cheerios, Raisin Bran, Quaker Oats or Rice Krispies.