Disclaimer: Credits to the correct owners of various things that may be recognized in this story. I do not remember the appropriate artists. Sorry. Zaphodiop helped with this story. SEVERE OOC ness! ALL OC'S ARE MINE AND ZAPHODIOP'S!!
(INSERT THEME SONG HERE)
Announcer (Regis, deep, human, non Halfling voice): Welcome to the Celor Benor Show! As implied in the title, the host of this show is the one and only, Celor Benor!
Celor: Hello! I welcome you to this show of humor, tragedy, well, sort of, and…personal secrets!
Now let me introduce to you, Drizzt Do'Urden!
(Drizzt walks on stage)
So, tell me. What background info do you have?
Drizzt: Well, I was born in Menzoberranzan…
Celor: Well everyone knows THAT!!!
Pwent: *stands up in audience* I didn't know THAT!!!
Celor: *pulls out Barrett M107 out of nowhere and blows Pwent's head off, puts away Barrett* NOW everyone knows that!
Drizzt: I don't think ya needed to do that.
Audience: YES HE DID!!!
Drizzt: I stand corrected. Anywho, I was targeted for constant, brutal whippings from my sisters, Maya, Vierna, and Briza, and my mother, Malice. Actually, Vierna was my nicest sister and for some inexplicable, unexplainable to the dunderheads out there, didn't like to beat me at all. *sigh* I wish she didn't become all homicidal and I had to kill her. Oh well, just means I'm the last Do'Urden until I have any kids. That is, if I have any, cuz Shayde gives me the impression that she wants to castrate me while I sleep or something like that. She's one hardcore bitch!
Celor: The bitch of assertiveness!
Drizzt: That is my point exactly!
Shayde: Odd.
Zak: Hello!
Drizzt: How come you're not dead?
Zak: I don't know…
Celor: Say, Drizzt, don't you have the hots for Shayde? Well, you know, you two are a good couple. If you two didn't get together, the world would be an endless torrent of suffering and misery as the two heroes do not get together and make babies! IT'S CHAOS I TELL YOU!!! PURE CHAOS THAT CAN NOT BE ENDED!!! THE WORLD WILL DIE AND, oh, by the way, Drizzt, you have six surviving relatives here. YOU WERE WRONG!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Umm…no one heard that.
Drizzt: Oooookaaaayyyy… No more coffee for you there, Mr. Flasmix!
Shayde: How odd and I DO NOT WANT A SSIN'DOSSA FEST WITH THAT PERVERTED DROW!!!!
Celor: First of all…Drizzt, Ihadnocoffee! And Shayde, you're in denial.
Shayde: *grumble*
Drizzt: This day keeps getting weirder and weirder.
Celor: All right. So, Drizzt, is there anything you would like to say to the audience?
Drizzt: Yes. Kids, stay in school, and don't smoke crack. May I go home now?
Celor: ………………………Actually, Drizzt, you have to stay for the rest of the show.
Drizzt: *beep*
Celor: All right, let's give a round of applause to Drizzt!
(audience applauds, theme song starts up again, fades to commercial brake)
Commercial 1:
Commercial announcer: Tired of those pesky Drow neighbors running over you lawn gnomes? Get Drow-be-Gone! It is sure to chase away any Drow that you spray it at! It is composed of a mixture of fart gas and skunk spray! Those pesky Drow neighbors will run for the hills!
efficiencyandeffectswillvary.
Commercial 2:
Commercial announcer (Jarlaxle): Tired of those sad, hot, boring summer days? Get Mooth Delights! The little candy bar with 2000 lbs. of sugar compressed into an easy to carry bar! Warning: More than 1 Mooth Delight will result in either a coma from insulin shock, or a large sugar high in which the consumer will strip naked and run through the neighborhood until incapacitated. (Drizzt suddenly runs by naked with a censor on screaming, "WHHHHEEEEEE!!!) See what I mean.
Drizzt: MY MOOTH DELIGHTS!!!
Jarlaxle: Ugh… poor sap…
Commercial 3:
Announcer: Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!Head on! Apply directly to the-…
Jarlaxle: PENIS!!!
(static)
(Show starts up)
Celor: Welcome back! When last we met, I had just interviewed Drizzt about his life. Now, it is time for me to tormen…, er, interview, the one, the ONLY, Deekin Scalesinger!
(Deekin enters)
So, how do you feel about being on this show?
Deekin: Meh, unimpressed.
Celor: What?
Deekin: Watching Linu strip down was WAY more entertaining than this.
Celor: (aside) psst, Deekin. We have hidden cameras in Linu's shower.
Deekin: (pause)…THIS SHOW ROCKS!
(Applause)
Drizzt: Go Deekin! WOO! (cuddles Mooth delight) Mooth delightz…
Celor: . . .
Audience member: (coughs)
Celor: WHO COUGHED? WAS IT YOU?
(audience member raises hand)
Celor: (makes "you're dead meat slit across throat" gesture while smiling)
Deekin: Deekin thinks this guy is psychopathic.
(cricket cricket)
Director: We're on the air!
Celor: RIGHT! So, Deekin. Tell me; are you REALLY as innocent as you appear to be?
Deekin: Uhh…no.
Celor: Holy Crap! Beware fans! Deekin is not the innocent kobold you thought he was!
Director: Celor! You are out of charac…!
Celor: I have no character! I just am! So, Deekin…tell me. How are you not innocent?
Deekin: Well…I like to see Linu undress…hehehehehehehe…
Linu: WHAT THE F***?
Celor: Shaddup. It ain't your turn to talk, wench.
Linu: Hmph.
Celor: Deekin, please continue.
Deekin: Well, there were those incidents where…
(A loud whack, followed by…)
Drizzt: YEEOW!!!
Tomi: Take that you do-gooding wanker!
Celor: Both of you SHUT UP!! Please continue, Deekin.
Deekin: Actually, I have rather lost my nerve. I don't want to tell.
Celor: Come on!
Deekin: No!
Celor: Fine, how about you whisper it in my ear?
Deekin: Uhhm…Okay. (Whispers in ear)
Celor: (makes a face)
Deekin: What?
Celor: Well! Now it's time for another commercial break!
Deekin: What!? Why?
Celor: (To Deekin) Shut up, you is a foul, foul little creature. (Mouths to director) I need to go puke my guts up.
(Commercial break)
Drizzt: Where did Celor go?
Catti-Brie: I don't know.
Lolth: (Disgusted/sickened/grossed out look) I think he went to go puke his guts up. That kobold is fouler than ME!
Drizzt: (in shock). When and why did you get here?
Lolth: I came here just now, and I came here to stare at your ass.
Drizzt: . . .
Chapter 1 end. Let me know what you think. Again, I say there is severe OOC ness. Sorry if I crushed anyone's thoughts about Deekin.