It's late. I lost track of the time, a while ago.
I've been working all night; history, French, math, science, media immersion, English…everything.
The course load is unbelievable, and to add on to it, student council priorities and planning and it's amazing I'm still sane.
I feel my eyes dropping as I start the second chapter on Ancient Pompeii, I already have an outline sketched out and my hand loosely grips my pen as I prepared to take another long round of notes.
I can feel another large knot growing in my neck and back, and straighten my back in hopes of relieving the pain…it doesn't work, I can still feel it.
Somewhere in the background, I can hear Alli shouting "Goodnight" to our parents, and then hear the light patter of her feet on the staircase. It's later than I though…
But I can't quit, I'm only half-way through my work, and I NEED to get this done TONIGHT!
I knew I shouldn't have chose such challenging classes, Peter was right, there's no way I'm going to get through this year alive. The stress is literally going to kill me, but it'll be worth it.
It'll all be worth it when I finally graduate, when I give my speech, when I can finally move that tassel and throw up cap up in the air and finally be done with all of this.
It'll be worth it when I see my parent's faces. When I can finally hear my Dad tell me he's proud of his son, and to see my mom finally mean it when she says I've done a good job. And if I'm lucky, maybe, Alli won't say anything about my speech
It'll be worth it when the rest of the family visits and can finally see that Savtaj has done something right. That I've finally maybe my family happy, I've finally made them proud of me.
But what if I can't?
What if I really am just as stupid, as Alli says? What if all I do, IS bring shame upon the family name/
What if I fail, if I don't graduate, what if I don't get into university,…..what I I end up being the loser I really am.
What will happen if my family had me dis…..
I shake the last thought out of my head as my hand starts to cramp, and I decide that a quick break couldn't kill me. I mark my spot in the textbook and quickly stand up and roll my neck.
I'm rewarded with the sharp, high sounds of cracking muscle and I instinctively move my hand to my neck to make sure nothing is actually broken. It's not…
I scan my room, and notice it's a little past 10:30.…it's a lot later than I though it was…
I take note of my strangely clean room, for a boy. My mom preferred it this way, " that way if we ever have an unexpected guest we'll always be ready", but really I know she just hates messes, and that's ok too.
I feel a slight breeze come through a cracked window above my bed, and I get an idea.
I quickly shuffle over to my closet, I grab a hoodie , my wallet and my phone and head down stairs.
The whole house is silent, with the exception of the washing machine running quietly in the kitchen. I take a moment to glance around the living room, and I'm greeted by many family photo's, one in particular if of Alli and I when we were much, much younger.
I couldn't have been more than ten, and Alli no older than 8. It was spring, and Alli was in a small white and yellow sundress and I want wearing a blue button up and khaki's, we were near a creek and the two of us had been playing tag because Alli looked to be running away from me with a large grin plastered all over her face and I was running right behind her, just about to tag her, laughing right along with her.
That was my favorite picture in the whole house, it was the only real genuine photo of Alli and I that our parents owned.
It was before Degrassi, before drama and homework. Before cliques, bands, boyfriends, secrete girlfriends, student council elections, fake pregnancies and truck theft…..back when life was easier…for both of us.
The dish washer stopped suddenly in the background, and brought me back to reality. Thing were different now, Alli and I weren't kids anymore. We had to grow up sometime and if not now, then when?
I shake the thoughts from my head once more, and walk towards the front door. I slip on my shoes, and try to open the front door as quietly as possible. The door is old, and prone to squeaking so I spend a while opening it, just to be cautious, so as I'm not to wake up anyone.
With the door finally wide open, I can step outside and enter the real world. I cautiously shut the door again behind me, and make my way down the stoop and out onto the sidewalk.
It's strangely quiet outside, and I take a deep breath of cool night air. It's bitterly cold, and my lungs burn for a moment as I take in the fresh, sharp night air.
I scan around to see if any one else is out….but tonight I'm alone.
I make my way down the block and around the corner….truly I have no idea where I'm going. For a moment I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if I should be out here… wondering if I should even be out. But tonight my mind dispelling all other thoughts from my mind…tonight I'm following my feet, tonight I'm following my heart, not my brain for once.
I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry Alli…