After avoiding studying all afternoon this idea sort of came into my head. I actually had an idea similar to this already written but in a different context so instead i used it as a follow up to my previous one shot "Unexpected Intermediary." It probably isn't strictly necessary to read that one first but this will make much more sense if you do. This is what happens immediately following that story. Enjoy!
On the ride over to Castle's loft from the precinct Kate's head was buzzing with thoughts and ideas of what to say to him. Since leaving the station she had experienced a myriad of conflicting and confusing emotions. Part of her was extremely angry that Castle would jump to the conclusion that she didn't love him and a bigger part of her was angry and scared that his first reaction to his assumption was to go back to being Rick Castle – playboy extraordinaire. She had to admit it reinforced some of her fears about him; if they got together would that be his response when they fight? To react immaturely and not even attempt to use his words?
Not that it's worth it to think about that right now. Right now the only thing she needs to think about is what the hell she's going to say to him. She really needs him to understand her reasoning; for him to prove he knows her as well as she thought he did because his current behaviour says otherwise. Maybe his pain overwhelmed his senses, but she can't help feeling disappointed in the behaviour he displayed in reaction to finding out she was keeping something from him. She knows it makes her a hypocrite, she can hardly tell other people they need to use their words when her inability to do so is likely her biggest character flaw.
She arrives outside the loft much quicker than she thought she would. The ride seemed shorter for some reason tonight, likely the result of light traffic and distracted mind. Parking her bike in front of his building Beckett takes off her helmet and puts it under her arm as she walks towards the doorman. He greets her with a smile and a hello, as he let's her through. It's been a long time since she had to introduce herself.
Standing in the elevator Beckett realizes she has nothing to lose. The past few weeks have been torture and it can't possibly be worse than this. Having this passive aggressive, vindictive version of Castle in her life has got to be worse than not having him at all. Her heart clenches at the thought, but she knows that if they don't figure this out they will lose each other forever.
The bell dings signifying the arrival on his floor and she can feel the anxiety rising. She takes a deep breath, and knocks gently on the door. A fleeting thought that he better be alone in there goes through her mind, but it's too late for her to dwell on it when the door swings open.
Castle is standing in front of her in jeans and T-shirt, looking more haggard and less coifed than she can ever remember seeing him.
"Beckett," he glances past her and stares at the wall behind her, "why are you here?"
She can't deny that his tone and lack of eye contact feel like a knife to the gut, but she forces the words the words from her lips anyway. "Rick we need to talk. Right now. So let me in." She doesn't want to give him room for options; she's done with his avoidance and petulant games. She wants this done.
"Who do you think you are to demand to come into my home at this time of night? You're not my girlfriend, hell, we're clearly not friends at all. So don't think you have the right to -"
Before he can continue his rant Beckett cuts in, "RICK. Do you want to do this in the hallway? I'm game if you are. Either way, I'm not leaving until you let me in and if you don't I'll just wait here until Alexis gets home and lets me in."
Castle's eyes darken at the mention of his daughter in that context, but he walks away from the door, leaving it open for her to follow.
"Fine Beckett. Let's do this on your schedule, just like everything else we've ever done," Castle's snarky tone is really starting to piss her off and she tries to push down those feelings to keep her head on straight.
"That's enough Castle. I don't care what I've done to you. I'm tired of you disrespecting me with your little barbed remarks. Grow up. I mean it. And sit down." From the look on his face she can tell he's angry at her words, but he still complies and sits down. For a second she just wants to kiss the glare off his face, but she knows she needs to just say everything right now. Before he decides she's not worth listening to.
"Castle I know you overheard me in an interrogation and you know that I lied to you. You know I heard you tell me you love me, and you think that I don't feel the same way, and that's why you've been so terrible these past couple weeks," she pauses as his eyes meet hers. "I can't say I'm happy with how you reacted. I'm actually really mad at your reaction. It makes me feel like you don't know me at all."
He opens his mouth to say something but she cuts him off, "Not yet. I'm not finished yet. If you wanted to talk about this you would've mentioned it before now. So right now, it's my turn."
She feels the need to move about the room as she puts her words together. She can feel his curious gaze on her and notes that his displeasure for her being in his home has decreased a tad, but he still looks rather perturbed.
"I'm not brave Castle. Not where it counts, not with my heart," she turns towards him, and stops pacing. "Maybe I am a coward, and maybe I'm not strong. Maybe I'm none of the things that you used to create Nikki Heat or the things that made you fall in love with me. I think maybe that's okay, because I don't want you to love someone you don't know."
"Maybe I'm confusing you, I think I'm even confusing myself," she looks down at her hands and tries to regroup, "You said to me last year that I'm afraid to be happy. I didn't tell you at the time, because I couldn't find the words through my anger, but you were right. That fight we had made me really scared because everything you said to me that night meant that you knew me, really knew me and that's something I've actively tried to prevent people from doing since my mother died."
Walking slowly towards him now Beckett can see she has his rapt attention.
"I guess I thought that when you found out I was lying you'd understand my reasoning. Maybe that's my fault, and maybe I'm an idiot for assuming you would understand or that you knew me enough to put it together yourself. It probably is my fault. I know I go out of my way to show no vulnerabilities; I just never thought you bought my act," his eyes are speaking volumes now and for a second she's scared she offended him, but she continues anyway.
"I get that you're pissed at me. I get that I did something wrong. I wish you'd asked me about it instead of acting out. But Castle you have to understand that what I did is something that I would do again. This is the woman you fell in love with, and if I'm not brave or strong enough for you then maybe you didn't fall in love with the right woman."
She sits next to him on the couch now, and gently takes his hand in hers, "If you want uncomplicated and fun, that's probably never going to be me Rick. One day I'll give you the uncut version of my early 20s and you'll understand why."
His fingers grip hers, giving her confidence to continue, "I honestly thought you'd figured me out by now, and that you loved me anyway, so maybe I'm the fool here. Maybe now that you've seen who I really am you won't love me anymore, if you still do. I have to be okay with that. I understand I've made my bed."
For a second she's distracted by the low light in the room that makes it impossible for her to read his eyes.
"Castle I didn't tell you I heard you because I was seriously fucked up. Damaged. I am damaged. My reasons for lying to you weren't about you and I honestly thought you would figure that out. I'm never going to be the woman who wears her heart on her sleeve or can wake up from being shot able to deal with things right away. I hide. You know I hide. Call it a character flaw."
"Kate I really-"
She puts a gentle finger to his lips to silence him, "Not yet Rick."
Things are quiet in the living room for a second and Beckett takes the opportunity to glance around the room. It feels like forever since she'd been here for Martha's one-woman show and yet nothing had really changed.
"I'm never going to be great at this. I'm never going to be able to fully explain my reasoning or my experiences with PTSD or my therapy sessions with Dr. Burke. I'm just not good at this and I hope that you already know that about me because I really need you to be in love with ME, not the Nikki Heat version of me you created in your head."
Beckett takes a deep breath in, knowing this is her moment of truth. "But the thing is Castle, something I really am good at is loving you because I've been doing it for a really long time and it hasn't wavered, so I know I'm at least really good at feeling it. Even if I can't show it or say it. I can at least know it exists and it doesn't go away. And I know that when I see you hurt it makes me ache and that it's even worse when I know I'm the cause."
She heard his sharp intake of breath and tries not to let herself find hope; it would be too painful for that to be ripped away.
"So there it is. That's my piece. I'm in love with you. And I'm really mad at you for making stupid assumptions and banging blonde bimbos and being a child about it. Really angry. But I love you way more than I could ever hate you. And you needed to know that before you decide you're finished with me."
She stands, intending to leave and gets all the way to the door before he responds, standing and facing her as she puts on her jacket. She wonders if she actually put him into shock with her words because he seems to be tripping over his.
"Kate I could never be finished with you. Why do you think I've been torturing you so much? I wanted you to feel at least a fraction as bad as I did. I just didn't think…"
"It's late Rick. I'm going home. You deserve some time to think about what you want. I need to know that next time, if there is one, when you tell me you love me you mean me. The real me. The woman with flaws and weaknesses. I'm damaged Castle. That's not going to change, no matter how much you or I want it to. I need you to accept that and accept that I will make mistakes like this one."
The thought that she may never hear those words from him again makes her entire body ache with pain, but she knows she needs this assurance.
"I think we've both been through enough in our lives to know that sometimes love can be a losing game," she bends and picks up her bike helmet, aware of his eyes on her. "But if it means anything to you, regardless of whether you decide to forgive me or if you want to move on, I'm very thankful I got to play."
Without another word Kate gripped the door handle and pulled it open. She glances back at Castle one more time who seems stuck in his position standing at the couch and staring in her direction. She gives him a nod and sees his eyes glazed over.
The door closes behind her and Beckett leans against it, exhaling a sigh in relief. However this turns out, at least she knows she tried, at least he knows the truth.
Ball is in his court.
The elevator doors open and Alexis Castle steps out, surprising her and rousing her from her spot.
"Alexis, hey" she uses what's left of her energy to give the girl a small smile and make her way towards the elevator.
"Kate what are you doing out here? Have you not gone in yet? Is he not home?"
The girl's eyes are wide and confused. She clearly she expected to come home to Kate and her dad with the situation resolved.
"I just left," seeing the devastated look in the girls eyes she adds, "I said my piece. He knows I love him. I'm just giving him some time."
Alexis nods slowly, moving past Beckett and towards the door, "Why time? Is time away from each other really what either of you need?"
Kate smiles and can't help but be impressed with the girl's attitude.
"Honestly Alexis I think I just gave your dad a lot of information and he deserves some time to process it. When he told me he loved me I took time without telling him why. He deserves at least a night to think it over," she hopes that response is sufficient.
The door to the loft swings open behind them and Castle is standing there, his expression still dazed but obviously curious. It hadn't occurred to Beckett that the conversation she was having with Alexis might've been loud enough for him to hear.
Alexis looks between the two adults and seems to see they need to talk. "Goodnight Kate," she says as she moves towards her dad in the door, with a quick kiss to his cheek she whispers, "night Dad," and moves past him inside.
Kate is staring at him now, really thankful that she's allowed to let her attraction to him show. Seeing him with Alexis always reminds her of how good a man he is and something about it just warms her entire body. She smiles at him and his expression looks curious but happy.
"Kate," his hand is outstretched towards her and she takes the invite. Walking towards him and slipping her hand into his as she looks up into his calm face.
"Rick," she smiles when his eyes sparkle at her calling him by his first name.
"I'm in love with you," the grin that comes onto his face with his words makes her entire body feel like it's floating. The grin stretched across her face makes her feel like there's a hanger in her mouth. "The real you. The Kate I know. The one who isn't always brave with her heart. The Kate I know isn't damaged where it counts because she just gave me the most beautiful speech about how she can love me and does love me. That Kate is who I want and who I love."
The smile on her face grows as she recognizes her one words in what he says; proof he was really listening and thinking about her words.
"I think I'm the idiot here," her smile falters a bit, "I guess I should have been a bit more rational about the reasons why you lied. I was just so hurt I wasn't thinking straight. And I understand why you're upset. But I know you Kate. I know you. And you know me, so hopefully you'll forgive my childish behaviour."
In her heart she knows she's already forgiven him. The anger at his actions dissipated the second he reiterated his words of love. She hopes he'll forgive her.
"Call it even?" she smiles as she says it and laughs a bit when his eyes widen and he nods.
Unable to restrain herself anymore she pushes up onto her toes and kisses him softly.
"I'm going to really like being able to do that," she rolls her eyes at his response and takes a step back from him. Their hands joined, she lets him pull her into his loft and waits as he locks the door behind them. They stand there in a daze; they must look ridiculous. Two adults just standing and staring at each other like teenagers in love for the first time.
"So I'm going to guess everything worked out? No time or space needed?"
Kate laughs at Alexis' words and pulls her eyes from Castle's to see Alexis standing against the back of the couch.
"Yes pumpkin, you could say that," Castle's voice is strong and when Kate looks back at him she knows his eyes haven't left her face.