Stay
Chapter 1
"If you believe everything's alright, you won't be alone tonight."
Kate Beckett had decided she wasn't going to hide any longer, he had been in and out of the precinct for weeks and this was the final straw. He had come back today after spending a week with Slaughter like it had been nothing. He waltzed into the precinct late in the morning, coffee in hand for only himself, and sat down next to her like nothing had happened asking her about the case they were working, just like any other day. Then to top it all off he left shortly after noon claiming he was behind on his latest couple of chapters. She wondered why he was behind, maybe because he had spent all his time lately driving around town in his Ferrari with blonde bimbos and then running around with Slaughter for over a week, that would do it, she was sure.
She really couldn't believe she was doing this though, she had been getting nothing done at the precinct, didn't have any leads to follow up on, and since it was getting late she didn't think she'd get anywhere, the case could wait until tomorrow. When she pulled on her jacket, told the boys to head home she had figured she would do the same, but here she was, parked around the corner from his loft and making her way to his building through the blistering wind that had taken over the city the past few days.
She didn't have the slightest clue what she wanted to say to him, she couldn't even figure out when she had detoured from her path home to his loft. She didn't have a plan, nothing figured out, but she knew that whatever this was, whatever he had going on and had decided to take it out on her for absolutely no reason was ending now. She had been racking her brain for weeks now, trying to come up with some sort of explanation for his disappearing act and she continued drawing blanks. There was nothing that happened, nothing that was said, she couldn't think of a single thing that had changed between them and here he was, pulling away from her, running in the opposite direction when she was finally coming to terms with it all.
Here she was, finally convinced that she could do this, that she could let go of her past and just be with him, despite her fears, the wall she hid behind, and everything else that had made the past four years more than complicated for the two of them. She was ready to try and he was pushing her away, this is not how things were supposed to go. He had been waiting, she had known that, and now that she was okay with moving things forward, finally ready to give this a shot and he was nowhere to be found.
Not that that was exactly true, she knew exactly where to find him, running around solving crime with Slaughter, off with some blonde in his Ferrari, or supposedly cooped up in his office writing.
She neared his building quicker than she wished, her anger with him lacing her every move, quickening her pace in the frigid air. She debated walking past the door to his building, she had yet to formulate a plan, and she couldn't go in here blind, she needed at least a little something, even an opening point, she couldn't just walk up to his loft and knock on the door with nothing.
But as she made her way through the door, nodding at Eduardo and opting to take the stairs, buying her a little more time, all she accomplished was realizing she didn't know what she wanted to say to him. She wanted yell and scream at him, she was angry, she had had enough, but she knew that would get her nowhere. The more she pondered the subject the more she just wanted to know why, why this, why now?
She didn't understand, couldn't wrap her brain around what had happened, or even the point it had happened. It was like one second they were fine and the next Castle was a different person. She was a detective, for goodness sakes, she solved murders on a weekly basis, she should be able to figure out what set her partner off and made him become this shell of the person he used to be, the one who enjoyed following her around, who would sit in the chair next to her desk all day and pester her while she finished her paperwork, and the one who, after a hard day would join her for a drink, or a few, to drown their sorrows and to laugh about the good things in their lives. He was the one who made her forget about all the darkness, the sadness that consumed her life and followed her around like a cloud looming overhead. She missed that man over the past few weeks, she wanted nothing more than that man back in her life, as selfish as it was, she didn't care. He had become such an integral part of her life; the last few weeks when he had taken off had proven just that, and she would give almost anything for things to go back to normal. Which apparently consisted of climbing her way up the stairs to his loft after she had had an entirely too long of a day already, which only got worse by him ditching out of the precinct earlier this afternoon. It was the final blow. It was what set her off enough that here she was, confronting him with absolutely nothing planned out.
She reached his floor and paused, stared at his door for a few moments. She could still turn around, the only person that would know she had ever even been here would be Eduardo, and she knew he would never utter a word about it. She knew that running wouldn't help the situation though. If she chose to run, she'd be doing nearly exactly what he was. She was here already, she might as well at least try and get something out of him, and it couldn't hurt, that she was sure of.
She closed the short distance between her and his door, knocking lightly a few times. She didn't know what to expect, she felt like she didn't know him at all anymore, so to say she wasn't a little scared would be a lie.
"Mother, if you forgot your key I'm going to-" She heard Castle mutter behind the door, his sentence stopping abruptly when he opened the door to see her standing there. "-Beckett. What are you doing here?" He asked.
"I just- I…" she mumbled, this is why she should have thought of something to say before just showing up at his door unannounced. "I was hoping we could talk." She finally managed to get out.
"Of course," He said bluntly. "What did you need?"
What did she need? Was he really asking her this? She needed her partner back, she needed him to not be like this anymore, she needed to know what caused it, she needed too many things and she was sure he wouldn't be exactly forthcoming with any of them.
"Can I come in?" She asked. This wasn't exactly a conversation she wanted to have in his doorway.
He sighed, running a hand over his face and through his hair, making a mess of it and causing it to stick up in every different direction.
"I really am supposed to be writing, Beckett, but you know I can't say no to you." He said before pushing the door open and turning his back to her, heading for the kitchen.
Beckett. It sounded foreign out of his mouth, and yet he had used it twice in the few moments since she had arrived at his door. She was so used to Kate, it was his go to name for her the past few months, she had gotten accustomed to it, used to it, maybe even happy about it, and now back to Beckett, she was sure now that whatever was causing him to act like this he was surely blaming on her.
"So is there a reason you are here?" He asked her. "Or did I not make myself clear when I said I was leaving the precinct to write this afternoon?
She was hurt by his words, weeks ago no matter what he was spending his evening doing he would have been glad for her to drop by, excited by her presence and trying to convince her to stay as long as possible. But yet here she was and he was angry, upset at her for coming over to talk to him, probably not far from kicking her out all together.
"Look if you want me to go Castle, I will. I just wanted to talk, I haven't exactly had the chance lately." She replied to him, she tried to keep the tone of her voice as normal as possible, hiding how much his comment had hurt her.
"Well you came all the way here, there must be a good reason for it."
She paused for a moment. Maybe she should just make a break for it, chicken out. She could simply apologize for coming by, explain that it had been a mistake and run as far and as fast as she could.
"If you do need to write I can go, I shouldn't have come over unannounced, I'm sorry." She blurt out, standing up and heading to the door. He grabbed her arm, turning her back around to face him.
"Just get whatever you need to say out, Beckett. There's clearly something on your mind."
She sat back down at the bar, and he finally grabbed the seat next to her, he had been leaning against the counter as far away from her as possible up to this point.
"Rick what's going on?" she asked. Concise and to the point, she figured she couldn't exactly go wrong with that.
"What do you mean what's going on, Beckett?" He spat, anger lacing his words.
"Things have been different, I can't explain it, I honestly don't understand it, but this isn't normal for us, there has to be something going on."
"Nothings going on, Beckett. I've been busy, that's all." His tone had lowered, the anger disappearing from his words, but she could read him, she'd been doing it for four years now, she knew by now when he wasn't being honest with her.
"You expect me to believe that?" She asked him, her anger was sneaking through her composure, he was straight out lying to her, and she wasn't about to stand here and be spoon fed by him.
"I do. Because it's the truth." He shot back at her.
"If you think I'm leaving with that explanation you're wrong, Castle. I know that's not it. If you were busy you wouldn't be pushing me away, you wouldn't be acting like I committed some kind of crime, and you wouldn't be avoiding meeting my eyes. I know you Castle, better than you'd like apparently. But I'm not going to sit here while you lie to me."
"Oh you mean like you have been?" He muttered under his breath, quiet enough for her not to catch what he had said.
"What?" She asked him.
"Nothing, Beckett. I don't want to talk about it okay? Everything is fine, whether you would like to believe it or not."
"Whatever you say, Rick. But you know you aren't going to be able to avoid this forever right?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." He replied. "I'm not avoiding anything." He kept his face void of emotion, his tone flat, he was trying hard to act like it was all okay, but she wasn't going believe any of his words for a second.
She would have it his way though, if he wanted to pretend things were perfectly normal between them she would go along with it, but she certainly wasn't going to buy his act for a second. She knew that this wasn't nothing, it was the furthest thing from nothing possible, but there was no sense in fighting him on it, not when he was this determined to keep whatever it was to himself.
"I meant it when I said I needed spend the night writing though." He announced, at least he had the decency not to out right kick her out of his place, she was kind of glad for his excuse.
"Right, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just come over unannounced like this." She got up from the seat she had taken in the kitchen and made her way to his door, him following somewhere behind her. "I'll see you tomorrow then?" She asked.
"I think I should maybe take some time off from the precinct," he replied. "You know, get caught up on my latest book. And there's this new idea I want to pitch to my publishers, so I think it would be for the best."
"Of course, I guess I'll see you around then. Drop by when you get the chance." She said as she opened the door, giving him one last weak smile over her shoulder.
"Always." He said, returning the look, his smile as weak and forced as her own.
With that she turned, her head held high and made her way into the hallway, she was forcing herself to keep the last little ounce of composure left in her until she was nowhere to be seen.
She made quick work of the stairs, bursting open into the cold New York air, hearing Eduardo wish her a good evening somewhere in the distance. The temperature had dropped in the short amount of time she had spent inside his building; the walk to her car seeming longer than it had the first time she had made the trip. She just wanted to be home, in the privacy of her own apartment where she could pull herself together and try to not let it effect her nearly as much as it was currently. So what if Castle was deciding to take some time off the precinct. It wasn't like he had been there much lately anyways, so nothing was going to really change. They had been just fine before he had come along, and she needed to convince herself that they would be even better with him gone. She had gotten too accustomed to him being around, this would be good for her, and she needed it. And he had promised to stop by, she was sure he would still be around every once in a while, and maybe space was what they needed. They could go about their lives, both pretending that everything was all right, but both knowing the truth too. The time apart would make them stronger, it had before and she could only believe that it would do the same once again.