Word from the Author: Third fandom, yay! I really, really love One Piece... So I thought to myself, why not write something for it? And here it is...!
Dedication: Again, to okama-kama-no-tsukai who shares with me a love for this suteki na anime. Happy Birthday!
Disclaimer: Piracy is an international crime that falls within the universal jurisdiction of international criminal law and was in fact the reason that such a jurisdiction was born in the first place. That said, this isn't mine. And I never claimed it was... so. Not GUILTY.
What Every Pirate Needs
It was a beautiful day, the skies were a clear, dazzling blue, the seas were calm and there was a strong but cooling breeze that filled the sails and pushed the Going-Merry onwards at a steadily speedy pace. Despite the heat the crew aboard were more or less at ease. All except for their questionable but somehow at the same time surprisingly reliable Captain.
In fact, at that very moment, Luffy had a rather pensive expression flitting across his face, one that probably did not bode well for his fellow crewmen, and uh, women.
It was with mild trepidation or as Sanji would no doubt have termed, had he been up on deck at the time, Zoro's inborn stupidity that their resident swordsman asked, "What're you thinking, Luffy?"
All the members on deck instantly paused to see what Luffy's response would be. Half of them were expecting the answer to be along the lines of 'NIKUUU!' while the others in the remaining half were thinking he'd probably just go with something incredibly random.
So when Luffy finally exclaimed, "What every pirate needs is a pet!" Both halves decided they hadn't been too far off.
The fact that they seriously gave the matter some thought was probably quite revealing of how much time they'd spent in the self-acclaimed Pirate-King-to-be's presence.
It was Zoro who finally broke the silence. "But... we already have Chopper," he stated, face completely serious.
There was another pause, before Chopper's indignant screech of, "I'M NOT A PET!!"
"Well, technically you are a domesticated animal that we keep on board for entertainment," Usopp pointed out helpfully. Quite a few nods accompanied Usopp's proclamation.
"Has everyone forgotten that I'm the doctor on this ship?!" Chopper demanded on a high pitch squeal.
There was another short silence, gradually broken by the sound of slowly nodding heads and the occasional, "Oh yeah..."
Chopper suddenly swiveled, pointing a hoof accusingly at Usopp and crying, "Usopp's more of a pet than I am!"
Usopp gaped for a moment, before seeming to pull himself together. "Why, you...!"
The crew watched on, as Usopp jumped and belly-flopped on top of the reindeer, before turning to face one another as the two continued their scuffle.
"Chopper's right, you know," Nami injected suddenly, before bluntly clarifying her statement. "I'm pretty sure Chopper's more intelligent than Usopp."
Zoro snorted, "Sounds about right."
Usopp paused in the headlock he'd managed to get Chopper in, only to scoff, "Like YOU'RE any smarter!"
With an inch of each katana unveiled, Zoro's voice dropped to a murderous whisper, "Think you can take me, chicken-boy?"
"Chicken-boy?!" Usopp squawked, in an oddly 'bwork'-like fashion, even as Chopper continued banging a hoof against Usopp's arm desperately mouthing, "Time-out! Time-out!"
Usopp took a deep breath before shouting at full volume, completely ignoring Chopper's continued struggles, "YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT SLEEP AND EAT, AND OCCASIONALLY BITCH…!"
"I do not bitch," Zoro hissed.
"Do SO!" Usopp rebutted with eloquence.
"And hey! It's not like you do anything either!" Zoro snapped.
"I'm the entire freaking tech crew!" Usopp shrieked.
Deciding it was time to diffuse the situation, especially seeing as Chopper was turning what definitely looked to be an unhealthy shade of blue, especially give that he normally didn't emulate human colouring, Robin quickly set about tickling all the perpetrators and pulling them apart, before smoothly drawling, "Now, now, children… Play nice."
Coughing as he tried to recover from the unexpected onslaught of cruel and deliberate torture, Zoro spluttered, "We're not goddamn children."
Robin merely raised an eyebrow in response, while Nami growled, her stance stern and unforgiving, "Then stop acting like BRATS!"
Luffy in the meantime had flopped onto his back to stare at the passing cloud shapes as he shaded eyes from the harsh glare of the sun with his beloved straw hat.
"Ah," he said. "…What about a talking parrot?"
Yet again, everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him.
"Are you serious?" Nami asked, a look of utter disbelief spreading across her face.
"That's like, the worse pirate cliché ever!" Usopp groaned, evidently still trying to catch his breath after his earlier bout of near hysterical laughter.
"Yeah, but I don't really fit into any of the other pirate clichés, so I thought maybe it would be a good indicator..." Luffy trailed off uncertainly.
"Oh yeah, very convincing proof of piratehood …NOT." Waving his arms around somewhat insanely himself, Usopp exclaimed, "They'll think you're a crazy little kid with a wacky talking bird!"
"Oh," Luffy said, looking a little disheartened.
Everyone looked a little uncomfortable at that point, Usopp feeling guiltiest of all, probably because it was pretty hard to actually bring Luffy's forever sky-rocketing 'positive' personality down.
Luckily though, Sanji appeared from below deck, drawing and lighting a cigarette as he approached.
"What's with all the racket?" He demanded.
No one seemed all that inclined to answer. In the end, it was Luffy himself that spoke up.
"Was… just thinking it'd be nice to have a pet. You know, like a familiar," Luffy sighed.
"Isn't a familiar what witches and wizards have?" Sanji questioned with a frown.
"I guess," Luffy replied vapidly.
Looking about Sanji noticed the guilty shuffles, and the awkward silence that descended upon the deck. Raising both eyebrows, he took in Luffy's no longer so genki demeanor.
Smirking, he took a puff of his 'rette, before speaking.
"I think I've got something you might like."
"Really?" Luffy exclaimed, eyes lighting up.
"Yeah, just head down below deck, and I'll get it for you," Sanji smiled.
"Yatta!" Luffy niko-niko'ed.
They all watched as Luffy happily bounced away, doing as Sanji had instructed.
Once he was out of sight, Sanji turned to the others and said, "You do realize you all owe me favors."
Disgruntled, they nodded. It was a rule, if as a group they managed to hurt Luffy's feeling, which was admittedly pretty hard to do, then whoever managed to put him back in a good mood got to call in the debt.
"Usopp owes double," Zoro informed Sanji.
They turned as one to stare at Usopp.
Grumbling, Usopp muttered, "So long as you actually manage to keep him in a good mood, Sanji, then fine. Double."
"Right then," and with that Sanji turned and disappeared below.
A few minutes later, Luffy returned and as far as the naked eye could tell, he was in a very good mood, whistling and stretching to his full capacity.
It wasn't until later that evening, when wash-up duty was being served that Usopp, Nami and Chopper cornered Sanji to ask what he'd done. Zoro had threatened them with death if they didn't tell him later. Robin had simply smiled and said, "Well, if it's good, let me know!"
Shrugging, Sanji told them what he'd done, nice and simple. "I just told him he could keep the Den Den Mushi as his pet."
Three sets of jaws scraped the ship's kitchen floor.
Nami was the first to recover, "You're kidding, right? Tell me, you're kidding!"
"I kid you not, oh, beautiful Nami-chwan!" Sanji sing-songed. "Plus, it means that I don't have to look after it anymore. It's his responsibility now. …I just hope he doesn't kill it, which is pretty hard to do from what I hear…"
"And he accepted that?" Nami cried, in disbelief yet again at the antics of her acknowledged Captain.
Sanji nodded. "It's an animal. And, technically, it does speak, if only to transmit other people's voices…" Sanji shrugged again, "Criteria filled."
"Huh," the three said.
"He's a simple soul," Sanji explained.
They knew that, and more than that, they were happy to accept the fact. It wasn't hard for them to do so. After all, he'd done just that for all of them.
"Ah. That's right, Usopp. Remember, double."
Usopp swallowed nervously.
The last time he'd had to repay a debt to Sanji, he'd been trussed up as bait just so that the cook could catch a rare and humongous fish that Sanji told Luffy inhabited the area they were passing through. Luffy, of course, had demanded to try it.
Usopp could only hope his life wasn't about to be put on the line. Again. He sighed, rueful.
The things you do for friends.
Finis.
Another Word from the Author: And there you have it... Three down... Only ninety-seven left to go...! Oh, and leave the author some niku in a review, if you would be so kind. Domo.