1RENT: the Parody
This is RENT in short terms... (: I started this a WHILE ago, but then I decided to finish it!
— —
Roger: (plays guitar)
Mark: Roger, stop playing the damn guitar, Collins is home! Wait—no he's not, he got his ass kicked.
Roger: (off-key guitaring) THIS FUCKING THING WONT TUNE.
Phone: (rings)
Mark's Mom: WE LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED BY A LESBIAN!
Phone: (rings)
Mark: Benny!
Mark & Roger: SHITFUCK.
Benny: Yo bitches, what up, I need the rent.
Roger: BENNY SUX.
Benny: I know, but I still need money, even though I'm rich and married to some girl—
Roger: Muffy?
Benny: SHE'S NOT A PUSSY! GIVE ME THE MONEY, OR SING AND DANCE!
Mark: Fine, we'll sing and dance! Enjoy me as I make film-related references!
Roger: And me as I make song-related references!
Company: And us as we are unimportant!
All: RENT!
Benny: ... fuck that and fuck you guys, I still need the rent.
Mark: CAPITALIZE IT BITCH!
—
Angel: Hey, I've got AIDS, wanna come to my house?
Collins: You're hot, me too, and sure thing!
—
Roger: (angsts)
Guitar: (plays song)
Roger: (continues to angst)
Mark: Roger, come out!
Roger: I want to leave a mark before I croak.
Mark: Not funny.
Roger: No joke!
Mark: (leaves)
Roger: Can't I write one god damn song? (angsts about not being able to write a song) Oh, and April! (angsts about April)
Door: (is knocked upon)
Roger: (angsts about door) (opens door) Mark, why are you—holy shit, you're a chick!
Mimi: Would you light this fucking thing? Not only this one... but would you light the internal candle... of loooooove?
Roger: Not interested. By Joe, you're on drugs! (shuns)
Mimi: Drugs rock!
Roger: No they don't! (shuns the nonbeliever)
Mimi: You're hot.
Roger: You have a nice ass.
Mimi: They call me... they call me... skaaaankyyyyy!
—
Mr. & Mrs. Jefferson: Nobody listens to this voice mail, because it's unimportant.
—
Collins, Mark and Roger: We're poor and we love food and vodka!
Collins: This is my cross-dressing pally pal, ANGEL!
Angel: (is pretty) I KILLED A DOG! OH YES I KILLED A DOG FOR MONEY THAT I GIVE TO YOU!
—
Benny: I hate homeless people!
Mark & Roger: Like us?
Benny: Yes! If you stop Maureen's protest, I shall grant you no reeeeeent to build my studioooooooo and then you will be speciallllllll and it will be all because of youuuuuuuu.
Roger: (seriously considers, for he likes being special)
Mark: (smacks)
Angel: (flings Prozac at him)
Roger: (flings drugs at him)
Mark: (flings self at him)
Collins & Angel: BYE!
—
Joanne: Mark? I hate you, I don't want you here! It would be utterly weird if you were here, and I can't fix this easy-to-fix thing.
Mark: (presses one button) Fucking idiot. Do you love Maureen?
Joanne: Yessss!
Mark: Well, you shouldn't. She can't tango.
Joanne: I doubt you can.
Mark: Wanna say that again, foo?
Joanne: Aren't you the white one in this situation?
Mark: (does gang-like "tough guy" movements) C'mon, let's tango, BRING IT, BITCH! (moves eyebrow in a way Adam Pascal cannot, throws of jacket with difficulty; for it gets stuck to his jumper sweatshirt zip-up thing)
Joanne: (wtfs but mimics, less wardrobe malfunctions)
Mark & Joanne: MAUREEN SUCKS!
Joanne: Yet I love her.
Mark: And I obsess over her and masturbate to her photos.
Joanne: She's a fly biotch.
Mark: (agrees)
—
AIDS-people: Our life needs support!
—
Mimi: I am a skank, and my pants are blue and sparkly, just like my hair! WOOOO WOOO AH-WOOOOOOO! Is somebody murdering an owl? OH NO WAIT THATS ME, HOWLING! Watch me as I dance like a skanky hoe slutface! (dances like skanky hoe slutface) oooh I'm done!
Roger: (is barged in upon)
Mimi: Kiss me, Kate!
Roger: (has no choice)
(rampant make out session)
Roger: (realizes he is being kissed) HEY, BACK OFF! I'm going to need three or four days to fully understand what's happening right now, and I don't want you ON TOP OF ME while I do it! AHHH! DRUGS! (shuns)
Mimi: Hey, bucko, drugs make you pretty!
Roger: Yeah pretty UGLY! Muahahaha.
Mimi: (pouts) No day but yesterday, man.
Roger: What?
Mimi: I DON'T KNOW JUST LOVE ME!
Life Support: Our life now has support!
Roger: (angsts)
—
Company: Will we?
Jonathan: You shall.
Roger: (leaves house)
—
Homeless Folk: Did you know that Christmas bells are ringing? We can hear them even though they're in Santa Fe.
Girl: DEE-DEE-DEE!
Mark: (films) TED KOPPEL'S SEXY!
Cops: (run away)
Bag Lady: FUCK YOU, COHEN!
Mark: Eeek!
—
Collins: Enjoy me as I pole dance and sing of New Mexico! Did you know that New Mexico is probably the coolest state ever? PFF WELL IT IS!
Angel: I drum!
Mark: I brush sauce on meat!
Roger: (is not here!)
Lady: I disappear! But only in the movie!
Collins: Prairie dogs?
Everyone: YEAH!
—
Mark: (bails)
Angel: You're cute.
Collins: No, you are.
Angel: Noooo, you are.
Collins: ...yeah, I guess I am. This is why people love us. Because we're perfect and this song is amazing and YOU HAVE GREAT LEGS!
Angel: And you've got a sexy beanie. I'll cover you... with my wiener.
Collins: As will I.
Both: (kiss)
Crowd: AWWWW!
—
Joanne: This is the only song I get in the musical... and it's cut out in the movie! Boohoohoo! Respect me for my phone wielding awesomeness! HUZZAH! We are O-FUCKING-KAY.
Maureen: PLATES!
—
Everybody: Christmas bells are ringing, did you know that? And they're finally ringing here, too! At least... I think. This song is the best! It's awesome! How many parts can YOU figure out?
Angel & Collins: (cuteosity)
Roger & Mimi: (flirtosity)
Mark & Camera: (bangosity)
The Man: I have jam!
Joanne: I'm still okay!
Maureen: (zooms in on motorcycle)
Everybody: ITS SNOWING!!!!
Maureen: I had this weird ass dream, probably a trip. Anyway, I beg of you: MO, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!
People: Moo!
Maureen: SING, MY ANGELS!
People: (operatically) MOOOOO!
Maureen: SIIIIIING!
People: MOOOOOOOOO!
Maureen: MUAHAHAHAH—wait, shit, wrong musical. (Sweeps arms)
People: (shut up, except for the idiots who think they're cool and continue to moo)
(Blackout)
(Riot)
(Orgy)
(Zomg)
—
Restaurant Man: Leave, biotches.
Everybody: ALCOHOL!
Restaurant Man: NO!
Mark: Hey, HEY! I bought tea, let us the fuck in!
Maureen: Woah—wait, is that Benny? YEAH! He'll vouch for us! Benny—what's that? You want us to come in?! Okay! You heard him—let's go!
Benny: My Akita died.
Angel: I killed it.
Benny: I know. Jeez, Mimi, hanging out with a dog killer and a druggie and all this shitheads? Why don't you come bang me? Bohemia died along with Elvis.
Mark: (snaps fingers in z-formation) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, BITCH. This is a funeral for Bohemia then! Because it's not DEAD.
Roger & Collins: MARK IS JEWISH, MARK IS JEWISH. WE MOCK HIM WITH PRAYERS.
Mark: (flings self about) I love this song!
Company: Me too!
Crowd: Me too!
All: LA VIE BOHEME!
Maureen & Joanne: We're gay!
Angel & Collins: So are we!
Angel, Collins, Maureen, Joanne: HUZZAH!
Everybody: (festive dancing, references of odd sorts)
Mimi: AIDS!
Roger: AIDS!
AIDS-infected people: AIDS!
Mimi: You have AIDS?
Roger: I have AIDS.
Mimi: I have AIDS.
Roger: You have AIDS?
Mimi & Roger: Yes.
Mimi: Let's sing a confusing song of our AIDSosity, and how we can now fuck without fucking the other over. Yay for diseases!
Roger: No. Neigh for diseases. But oh well, you're sexy. Wanna fuck?
Mimi: Will do.
Mimi & Roger: (leave)
Party: (resumes).
Girl: DANCE!
Mark: FILM!
Angel: MUSIC!
Maureen & Collins: ANARCHY!
Everybody: Gay people, me, you, people with disease! LA VIE BOHEME!
Mark: Mimi and Roger are tonguing, I'm alone AGAIN!
Everybody: LIVING THE BOHEMIAN LIFE, BIOTCH!
— —
XD So what'd you think? I shall update with Act II if I get positive reviews.
–Steph.
NO FLAMES. I've been getting a lot lately, and they're pissing me off.