My Fault
My fault.
Rock, gravel and shards of shattered glass crunch beneath my feet as I push on, marching deliberately toward my brother. My destiny.
My fault.
I could have helped them. Could have made a difference. After the angels left, I was the only one who was even close to Lucifer in power. Sure, my older brother had always been able to push me around, but that was a long time ago. I could have at least tried.
The empty city seems to mock me, ruined buildings reflecting my own thoughts back at me. My fault. Everything was my fault.
Sam and Dean had tried to bring me into the fight, back before they knew who I was, back when I was still in my so-called 'witness-protection'. Of course, it was Sam that suggested they ask for my help. He was always willing to see the best in the supernatural, not like his brother. Dean would have rather killed me on sight.
I scoff, lips curling into a mocking sneer. Dean was right, they should have killed me. I didn't help them, hell, I did the opposite, tried to force them to play the roles that destiny had chosen for them. That my brothers and sisters had chosen for them. Foolishly I thought that if Michael and Lucifer could battle it out once and for all, the fighting would come to an end. I know better now.
They tried to convince me otherwise, oh they tried, Sam especially. He truly believed that he could convince me, that he would be able to help me see sense and take a stand against my brother. Turns out he was right, if not in the way that he was expecting. It just took a few years for the message to sink in.
I stop in front of a chain link fence, my eyes lingering on the rusted metal sign, riddled with bullet holes like everything else on this God-forsaken planet. Jackson County Sanitarium. I can feel him, feel my brother on the other side, closer than we've been in millennia. He's not bothering to reign his power in any longer, why would he? He's in his true vessel now, one that can properly contain him no matter how much of his strength he draws on. And as far as Lucifer knows, there are no other angels here, no gods or demons strong enough to stand up to him. He's wiped them all out.
Another thing that's my fault.
I was there that day, when the other pagan gods gathered together, uniting to stop my brother. And I left moments before Lucifer descended and wiped them all out. Maybe I couldn't have won, but surely I could have made a difference. If not for my weakness, my fear of confronting Lucifer, they might still be alive. Odin, Ganesh, Mercury, Baldur, Kali... Dead, like the countless others who have tried and failed to stand against Lucifer.
All of their deaths are on my shoulders, just a drop in the bucket compared to the mountains of sin I carry. If Dad ever returns, he will strip me of my grace and cast me down for what I've become. Our mission was to protect humanity, and we've failed. The Croatoan virus has culled their ranks, and what few humans have survived continue to die at Lucifer's hands, day after day. It won't be long before Lucifer has completely eradicated the human race.
But not if I can stop him.
For the first time in millennia, I call upon my true power, not that of a trickster, or the pagan god Loki, but the power of the archangel Gabriel. I stretch my wings out, relishing in sensation of the open air against my feathers. It's been too long since I've let my mask fall away, since I've let myself be me.
With less than a thought, the fence is gone, eradicated from the Earth, and I march forward, closer to Lucifer. Surely, he can feel me now, I'm not hiding any longer, not running away anymore. I am going to fight.
If only I had made this decision earlier. Maybe, I could have saved him, could have prevented him from saying 'yes' to Lucifer in Detroit. Sam had resisted for so long, for nearly five years he resisted, refusing to submit to my brother, refusing to be used as a vessel. But even he couldn't say no forever.
It was strange, how one little human could have such a dramatic effect on me, when everyone else had failed. Lucifer had begged me to join him in those early days, before Michael cast him into the Cage, before I had run away and hidden myself among the humans. The pagan gods, my second family, had tried to recruit me to fight against Lucifer, before they were all wiped out. They had taken me in, and although they had tried to kill me more than once, it was impossible to deny that I had cared for them. Still, I had refused, even after Kali revealed my true identity. I didn't want to be part of the fighting, I just wanted it to be over.
And then Lucifer took Sam. I had tried to push Sam into saying 'yes' to Lucifer years earlier, but I couldn't have guessed the pain I felt when it actually happened, when I realized that he was lost to me forever. Despite my best efforts, I had fallen for Sam Winchester, and I only realized it when it was too late. I can't save Sam, I know that. Lucifer will never release his hold, not when he finally has Sam in his clutches. But, I can end his suffering. I can do what Sam asked me to five years ago, and join the fight.
He is waiting for me as I round the corner into the garden, my blade in hand. "Gabriel."
"Lucifer." I will myself to look past his vessel, to the twisted form of my brother, but I can't. All I can see is the man I love standing in front of me.
"It's been a long time." It's Lucifer's words, but it's Sam's voice, Sam's mouth and lips. Fighting him is going to be harder than I realized. My fingers tighten around my blade. Can I go through with it? Can I kill Sam?
"It has." I agree. "I haven't seen you since you threw that tantrum, and Dad had you locked away."
"Watch yourself brother." Lucifer says quietly, his expression crueler than anything I had ever seen from Sam. "Why are you doing this? For Michael?"
"Michael's gone." I say, my mind running through my options. I can't trick him, Lucifer taught me most of what I know. This is going to have to be a straight up fight. "He and the other angels all left a long time ago."
"All except for you." Lucifer's tone is one of mild interest, as if he's genuinely curious. He sounds so much like my brother now, before he fell. "Why did you stay behind?"
"You know I haven't been a part of heaven for a long time Lucy." I say. I can't take my eyes off of him, he looks so much like Sam, and acts so much like the brother that I love. It's almost possible to forget everything he's done. "I'm here for the humans. The ones we were sent to protect."
"Still toeing the company line?" Lucifer sneers, the expression out of place on Sam's face, the facade of humanity gone in an instant. "I thought better of you Gabriel. You've seen more of humanity than any of us, you've seen them as they truly are. Broken. Flawed. Worthless. Why would you want to help them?"
'Because Sam Winchester would want me to.'
"Because they're better than us." I say emphatically, stepping closer to Lucifer. We're only a few yards apart now. "Dad was right, they may be flawed, but it's their flaws that make them perfect. They try to do better, to learn from their mistakes, to forgive. It's something that should be cherished and protected."
"No."
"No," Lucifer repeats, and suddenly his blade is in his hand, faster than even I could track. "I don't believe you. If that was true, if this was really about humanity, then you would have interfered long ago. When the angels left, or when the Croatoan virus was released, or maybe even before then. But not now. It's been too long, and even if you kill me, humanity is doomed."
Lucifer starts to pace, and I match him, until we're circling each other in this barren garden, our blades in our hands, two brothers ready to fight, ready to kill each other.
"This is about something else." Lucifer hisses, his lips twisting into a cruel smile. "Something far more recent."
I don't allow myself to express any emotion as we continue to circle each other. There's no point in giving Lucifer an advantage.
Abruptly, Lucifer stops. "Tell me Gabriel," He says, almost casually. "Does your vessel ever talk to you?"
I stop moving, unsure if I should answer. What was Lucifer's game? "Not anymore." I admit at last, not seeing any harm in answering. "Loki's been quiet for a long time."
"That's how Sam was at first," Lucifer says, and unwillingly, my hand tightens around my blade. How dare he mention Sam? "He was silent, I guess he felt ashamed that he had given in to me. But, ever since I killed his brother in this very garden, he won't shut up. He's tried pushing me out, tried resisting, honestly it's all rather tiring."
Relief and fear flood me almost simultaneously. Relief that Sam was still sane, still trying to resist my brother's hold. Fear of just what Lucifer was doing to him, what he was forced to watch his body do.
"But, I've never seen him so chatty," Lucifer continues, his smile widening. "He's been begging me to leave you alone ever since you stopped hiding your power. He's tried pleading, and bargaining and everything in between just so that I would let my little brother go unharmed."
Lucifer cupped one hand around his mouth and leaned in closer to me as if he was whispering. "If I didn't know better, I'd say little Sammy had a crush on you Gabriel."
I don't answer, but I can't stop the strange warmth in my stomach. Seeing his body standing there, jerked around by my brother was even harder now that I knew my feelings were reciprocated. I desperately wish there was some way I could force Lucifer to leave him, so that Sam and I could be together.
"Can you imagine that?" Lucifer laughs coldly. "A human falling in love with an archangel. Just imagine what our father would have said. Of course, it's nothing compared to what he would have done if he knew that the reverse was also true."
So, Lucifer already knew. I stare defiantly at my brother, daring him to say something. No matter how much it would hurt me, I was still prepared to kill him, even if it meant losing Sam. I knew that's what he would want me to do.
"How could you have fallen so low Gabriel?" Lucifer asks, shaking his head softly. "You are an archangel, a being of primordial creation. What could this human possibly offer you?"
"I don't expect you to understand Lucifer." I hiss, unable to hold back. "You've fallen and twisted so far that you are barely recognizable as an angel any longer."
"Maybe so." Lucifer agrees, inclining his head. "But I still have the power of an archangel. I'm still stronger than you are. And, even if by some miracle you manage to overpower me, do you really have it in you to kill your brother? To kill Sam Winchester?"
"I will if I have to."
Lucifer smiles, a sadistic expression that is at odds with Sam's face. "Oh believe me Gabriel. If you want to stop me, you will have to."
That's all the warning I get, and in a fraction of a second, I'm flat on my back deflecting Lucifer's blade with mine, desperately trying to stay alive. It's been a long time since I've been in a fight for my life, and even longer since I used an angel blade. My only saving grace is that Lucifer seems equally out of practice.
I blast Lucifer back, and jump up to my feet, healing the gash on my forearm in the process. He is even stronger and faster than I thought. This isn't going to be easy.
"I'm surprised Gabriel." Lucifer hisses, wiping his bleeding lip. "None of your usual tricks? I was half-expecting a decoy while you tried to sneak up behind me."
"It wouldn't work." I shrug, rolling my neck. "You've always been good at seeing past my illusions."
Lucifer smiles briefly, and for a moment, he's my brother again. Until it falters, and he lunges, our battle resuming.
It doesn't take long for me to realize just how outmatched I am. We may both be archangels, but Lucifer is older and far stronger. I manage to land a few glancing blows on him, leaving minor wounds, but in the end, he easily disarms me, and pins me down, his blade at the ready.
"I don't want to do this brother." Lucifer whispers, pressing the blade against my throat. "Please, don't make me do this."
I'm worn and beaten, but I refuse to let my brother have the last word. "You said it yourself Lucy." I pant, fighting for air through broken ribs and a punctured lung. "Nobody makes us do anything."
Lucifer's eyes flash with recognition at the familiar phrase. The same ones he shouted at Michael, Raphael and I in the days before his fall, back when he wanted us to unite against our father. As he draws his hand back, I desperately try to memorize his face. Sam's face.
"Sorry Sam. I tried."
The words slip out without me meaning to. Maybe it's a sign of weakness, but I can't bring myself to care any longer. Lucifer is going to kill me, I might as well make sure Sam knows that this, all of this was for him.
Lucifer pauses, drawing the moment out. For all his claims that he doesn't want to do this, he certainly seems to be enjoying it.
"I love you Sam."
I close my eyes, waiting for the blade to fall, for my life to end. It's been a long life, filled with more bad than good, but in the end I died doing something right. I suppose I couldn't ask for more than that.
"Gabriel."
Lucifer's voice is different, harsher, more strained, but somehow softer. I don't care any longer, I've accepted my fate, and I won't give Lucifer the satisfaction of seeing fear in my eyes.
"I love you."
My eyes fly open. That wasn't Lucifer.
His face is drawn and tired, he's clearly straining to remain in control, but it's him. Sam. He is somehow holding off Lucifer's possession, momentarily in control of his body again.
"Sam." I lift my arm, my fingers brushing against his cheek. It doesn't feel real, it can't be real. Has Lucifer already killed me?
"Thank you Gabriel." Sam forces out, each word clearly costing him a great deal. I can see his face straining with the effort of holding my brother back. "I'm sorry. I wish this could have ended differently."
"Sam?" I can't form a more coherent answer, my mind is rattled from Lucifer's beating.
Before I can even try to make sense of what's happening, Sam's arm moves, and the deadly silver blade he holds flashes in the light of the dying sun as he drives it home, deep into his own chest.
Sam slumps to the ground, his hand falling from the blade that juts from his chest.
I scramble to my feet, ignoring the pain of my own wounds. "Sam!" I sprint over, gathering what little power I have left and place two fingers against his forehead.
"No." Sam grunts, grabbing my wrist and tugging my hand away. "Don't. You'll heal him too."
"Sam, I..." I can't come up with the words, can't find any way to express the emotion flooding through me. I can't just leave him here. I thread my fingers through his, desperately trying to convey the depth of my feelings for him with the simple gesture.
"You can't." Sam whispered, his voice even weaker now. He's fading fast, he has maybe seconds left. "Goodbye Gabriel. I love you."
I close my eyes and cradle Sam against my chest, not moving, even as his ragged breathing hitches one last time, and stops forever. As Sam's body dies, the last remnants of Lucifer, my fallen brother dies with him, his wings searing the grass, the ground and me.
I ignore the pain of the burns, ignore my injuries, ignore everything as I sit there, holding Sam's body, and for the first time in my incredibly long life, stretching back to the time before creation, tears fall from my eyes.
A/N: This was written for bunkerofletter's Inktober 2017 challenge
Day 11: Endverse