Trolley Derailed
Chapter One
Mrs. Van Stomm watched her son mope around the house. He wasn't even interested in killing aliens on his whatever-it-was-called. The machine he hooked to the TV which used to bring him such pleasure…
"Son," she said one day, "you can't let one girl keep you unhappy forever."
"Brigitte was everything to me, Mom. Everything."
"What about that cute Jewish girl you're already hanging around? Maybe you could transpose your feelings to her."
"Isabella? No. She…well, she's part of the same group that Brigitte was. Only different chapters."
"Surely there's another girl you can give your heart to?"
"There is none," Buford said. He went into the backyard and climbed the wooden ladder to his treehouse. His mother's eyes were on his back. She couldn't really know how he felt. The pain, the ache…Brigitte was everything. Even picking on Baljeet was starting to lose its glamour.
Isabella was in his dreams that night. She had her hair in waves and gave him a cute smile. Then she turned into Brigitte, who said, "I'll never speak to you again if you try to win someone else."
"But you already want nothing to do with me."
"Then find someone who isn't a Fireside Girl."
"What girl do I know who isn't part of that group?"
"She doesn't have to be your age. Just pick her!"
"Really, I'd rather not go with someone too much older."
"Age is not important when it comes to love! Just choose someone."
And then vacuum cleaners rose out of the grass and started dancing around Brigitte, and he saw Candace riding on a camel and trying to escape from Perry, who was two-hundred feet tall and drooling with hunger…
Buford woke up in his treehouse, to the sound of birds chirping. He thought it was time to go pick up Baljeet and then see what Phineas and Ferb were building today.
He would try to fall in love with someone else. How hard could it be? Isabella wasn't that bad-looking…
He got Baljeet in his shirt and carried him that way to Phineas and Ferb's hosue, where they were…building nothing.
Bufrod was convinced it was a ruse for them to converge their energies into something truly amazing, but he camqe to realize that they had lost their vitality for some reaon, and guessed at it being some kind of ray that did such things.
Not that any kind of ray actually existed.
Candace was there and Mrs. Flynn was in a lawn chair. She gathered them up to sing to Phineas and Ferb about blueprints they could use to make an invention. At first, Buford was slyly watching Isabella dance out of the corner of his eye. But then he caught Candace's movements, and they were rather enticing. A pleasure to the eye. Not an apple, because when Buford thought of apples he usually thought of the Granny Smith kind. And he didn't want to think of grannies when looking for a girl to replace Brigitte. He wouldn't even eat at the chicken restaurant called Granny's or consume Grandma's cookies.
Near the end of their song, Isabella danced right in front of Candace. Their movements were graceful and divine.
Nsljeet had them build a miniature rocket. Candace called her mother over, and Mrs. Flynn joked with Phineas and Ferb for a minute. Then she went indoors to get some snacks, like she did every day.
Candace stepped on the roc ket and went flying into the air. And that was when Buford knew that he wanted her. Watching her zigzag uncontrollably forty-feet aboveground was totally rad.
If he wanted to get away from thinking of Brigitte, he would do best to go with a girl with lighter hair, and so Isabella's dark tresses and her being a Fireside Girl kept him closer to Brigitte than he ought to be. But Candace had sunny-colored hair. She was the one.
When Phineas and Ferb snapped out of their state of laxity and helped Candace down, Bufrod was disappointed when she didn't follow them immediately into the house. She remained behind with Ferb. But when one's stomach calls, one must answer it. Stomach before heart, as they say in the boondocks.
Candace signed up for the maid-for-a-day program in Danivlle, along with Stacy. "What could go wrong if it's only for a day?" she said, as they put on aprons with numbers on them. Stacy's had "9," and Candace's was "11."
"I'm sure it'll go swell," Stacy said. "Like the time we signed up for construction work."
"Don't remind me of that, Stace We needed Phineas and Ferb's spa to recover from that horrid work."
"Well, perhaps they'll have something today to help us recover from our activities as maids."
"I hope that won't be necessary," Candace said.
"Candace Flynn!" called the woman running the program.
"Aye, aye, captain?"
"You are not a pirate," she said, glaring at Candace. "And you better be the real Candace Flynn. Because I am assigning her to Edith Van Stomm, and if I send the wrong girl, I might have to become an Au Pair again, and I assure you that I do not want to do that."
"I am Candace Flynn."
"Show me some ID."
"Um, I'm only fifteen. I have a lermer's permit, though. I can show you that."
"I'll just assume you are Candace. Go to Edith van Stomm's house. This is the address." The woman handed a slip of paper to Candace.
"Van Stomm? Is that Ukrainian?" Candace asked.
"I wouldn't know. But I think Edith is Buford's grandmother."
"Yuck! I can't be a maid to Buford's grandmother! That would be so neg."
"'Neg'?" Stacy asked.
"Neg. A. Tive. As in, by helping a relative of one of Phineas and Ferb's dorky friends, I am going against my creed."
"What creed?"
"The creed I made last night to ensure that I bust the boys."
"You won't be busting them if you're at Buford's grandmother's house."
"Exactly. Which is why I've got to get a transfer." She approached the woman who was continuing to dole out assignments. "Excuse me, ma'am, but can I switch for someone else? Like a name I can identify the country it comes from?"
"There is no switch of assignments. You go to the house you were asked to go to, and you wait to be dismissed. That is what you signed up for."
"But see, there's been a mistake. I have to—"
"You will do what you agreed to from the first. Go to Edith van Stomm's house, and do your duty. You do not have to come back tomorrow, but you must do it today. Is that clear?"
Candace nodded and went back to where Stacy was standing. "Some people are unreasonable."
"Stacy Hirano!"
"Reporting for duty, ma'am."
"You will attend to Azgoth Garcia."
Stacy took the slip of paper from the woman's outstretched hand. "Isabella's grandmother. That makes this interesting."
"I just hope I don't run into Buford at his grandmother's house. The idea of being in the same house as him, other than my own, disturbs me."
Arriving at the address marked on the sheet of paper, Buford knocked on the door. A gnarled old man answered.
"Um, is this the house of Edith Van Stomm?"
"Across the street," he said, pointing with his cane. "The maid-for-a-day program always sends to this address. I keep telling Edith to get them to put the right address in their books, but old women don't listen to anyone, aas you'll soon find out."
Candace went across the street and knocked. She heard a ruffling in the house, but after seven knocks she was ready to just scoot off, as no one acame to the door. She gave one last half-hearted knock, and the door swung open.
"You the maid/" the old woman standing before her asked.
"I am."
"Come in, dear. Make yourself at home."
Candace walked in, and at once her nostrils were greeted with a terrible odor.
Smells really peculiar here, Candace though. Wonder if that's a herb from whatever country Bufrod's grandmother came from. Something remote like Ukraine.
"I'll be off in other rooms for a while. You just need to dust my bookshelves and sweep the living-room floor."
The old woman left Candace in the living room. She took the duster and began brandishing it in the direction of the bookshelves.
After she was certain the shelves were dusted as well as they could be, she got the broom ready to sweep. Then her phone rang.
"Hello, Jeremy."
"Candace. I found a tree frog outside the mall and wanted to take a picture of it, but a girl ran by and scooped itp."
"Bummer."
"The really strange thing about it is that it was wearing a hat and had a placard which read, 'Agent F' next to it."
"'Agent F'? What's that supposed to mean."
"I'm not sure, but it would make a great photograph. Instead I took a picture of Alima Spencer with her boyfriend, Tusk Gangrew. In case a summer vaca-book is made by the yearbook staff again this year, you know."
"I suppose that's something," Candace said.
"Is anything wrong?"
"I'm not fond of Allima."
"Oh yeah. I know you and her are at odds at school. But when she asks you to do something, it's probably best to do it. Her father did pay for our library and auditorium, after all."
"Yeah," Ccndace said.
"Dusting going well, dear?" called Edith from somewhere within the house.
"It's going quite nicely!" Candace called.
"Am I disturbing you, Candace?" Jeremy asked.
"Of course not. I'm just doing the maid—for-a-day thing, you know."
"Ah, but Candace, in my mind, you are a princess and should have maids waaiting on you, not the other way around."
"That's so sweet, Jerr."
"Thanks. Listen, I got to run. It's time to serve hot dogs, corn dogs, chili dogs, and poodle dogs."
"'Poodle dogs'?"
"New recipe. Don't ask."
Candace hit end after they said their farewells and set her cell phone on the coffee table, and paused for a moment before resuming her sweeping.
"Come help me get the paste, ready, dear." The elder Mrs. Van Stomm called, twenty minutes later.
"Coming!" Candace said. She unpinched her nose and tried to breathe through her mouth. She thought the smell might not proceed to the next room, but it did.
She braced herself before entering the kitchen. When she pushed the wooden door inward, she expected to find the smell lingering there too. But her nostrils were met with the fragrances of fresh bread and baking products. She breathed a sigh of relief.
Until the elder Mrs. Van Stomm handed her a soup ladle and she didn't know what to do with it.
"Grandma, I'm home!" Buford called.
"I'm in the kitchen with the new maid-for-a-day."
"Okay, Grandma. See you when dinner is done."
He went to the living room and looked around. The smell of his grandmother's house could get on the nerves to someone who wasn't used to it. Most of his grandmother's maids-for-the-day complained of the odor in the house.
He peeked in the kitchen to look at the new maid, and was met with the sight of his chosen rolling flour out and grinding it.
He shut the door and returned to the living room. This was proof that Candace should be the one he harbored feelings for, to get Brigitte out of his thoughts.
Buford found Candace's phone on the coffee table. He went through the list of contacts. There was her mother, some boywith blond hair, the girl who wore blue dresses and was at her house a lot, and some other girl with a funny face.
He wondered what she would think if she found him in her contacts list. Anyway, his mother was right. He had to put Brigitte in the back of his mind.
"Hey, Baljeet. How do I transfer a picture from the computer to a cell phone?"
"Don't' you have my picture on your phone already?"
"Not yours. Mine. I need to put my picture on, erm…someone's phone."
"Buford, you're not usually this secretive. But here's what you have to do."
Buford listened to Baljeet's instructions. It was a few minutes before he had it. Then he checked his phone to get his number. He entered it in Candace's phone. As soon as she saw him there, she'd have another prince.
He considered deleting the boy with the blond hair, but that would make his intentions too obvious. It would be a while before Candace found out. And hopefully by then, she wouldn't think him such a slug.