Disclaimer: Though I wish at 11:11 every day and night, I still don't own Glee =(
Authors Note: First and foremost; as always beth's name is Sophia (sophie, soph), that's just the general rule for my fanfics that will never change haha. Second from the looks of it now this will be longer than my other stories… or at least I will try and make that the case. It will be angst reddening because that's what I'm feeling right now and I'm hoping writing this will help me in my current romantic situations. Puckleberry happy ending is as always a guarantee. And Remember reviews are love.
When she'd made the decision to go to Shelby's apartment it was in the hopes of talking to her about relationships. Despite what it may look like on the outside, she and Finn weren't perfect and her fathers for all their wisdom and good intentions, were after all still men. So she'd gone to the only real female figure in her life and had somehow still ended up with a man, or a boy, depending on the day of the week. Before she can question why exactly Noah Puckerman is answering her mot… Shelby's door, she hears an eardrum splitting wail come from inside. His face drops almost instantly and he leaves her standing there in the open doorway to tend to the infant who apparently does not take well to being ignored. Like mother like daughter it would seem. Not left with any options Rachel walks in, closing the door behind her. The sight before her causes her world to spin. For a moment, just a moment, she thinks for the first time in her entire life that she may have made the wrong decision that fateful day on the bleachers.
He can feel her behind him burning holes into the back of his head. He's sure her mouth is hanging open and she's more than a little tempted to take of picture of the sight before her. If anyone had told him a year or even a month ago that he would be holding a stuffed purple elephant, speaking in a voice higher than Kurt's and doing a jig, he would have kicked their ass, hands down and he knows it. Things change though, because that's exactly what he's doing and he couldn't care less what anyone thought about it, not even Rachel Berry. There were few things that Puck was good at in this world, well no, there were a lot of things Puck was good at but few he was proud of. Being able to make his daughter happy was something he was extremely proud of, and if he had to make himself look like a complete fool that was fine, because two seconds ago Sophia was bawling her eyes out as though someone were attacking her and now she was clapping her hands and giggling in her highchair.
Shelby walks in not five minutes later with a bag of groceries in her hand and wonders aloud if Noah had needed to call in reinforcements to help babysit their daughter. She completely ignores the feeling of possession and betrayal she feels realizing that she is no longer the only person to call him Noah. Instead she focuses on the words "their daughter" and begins to wonder what exactly the nature of Noah's relationship with her bio mom was. She has a few seconds to watch them interact with each other before Shelby focuses on the child she abandoned instead of the child she adopted. They don't seem to be intimate or couple-ly but they are definitely co-parenting. It's interesting, and she would love to know more but she really does need to discuss Finn, so she starts talking about the nature of her visit and waits for Shelby to tell her that it's too personal, that they aren't like that and she doesn't want to lead Rachel to think their relationship is different than it is. She waits and is both relieved and anxious when instead of that Shelby tells her that all the best girl talk happens over a cup of cocoa and starts the kettle.
He excuses himself into the playroom because as much as being with two gorgeous women appeals to him, he draws the line at girl talk. Looking around the room, as always, makes him really glad he gave Sophia up for adoption. Had he not, she wouldn't have her own room, much less a separate room just to play in. Had he kept the baby, against Quinn's wishes he'd be doing this all alone. And yeah, Quinn said she wanted to be a mother now but who knows how she would have felt if he'd had Soph all along, in her face. His daughter has a good life, and a good mother, and he did that, he gave her that. He was a good father, and she would always know that if he played his cards right. Things had been tense at first, especially after the kiss that should have never happened but Shelby had put a quick stop to that, and his mom had given him some much needed perceptive. It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to Shelby because of course he is, she was plenty attractive. But it was watching her with Sophia that made him feel like he loved her, which he did, just not that way. The same thing had happened with Quinn when she was pregnant. There is something about watching the mother of his child, taking care of and loving her that made him feel in love. Shelby was special to him because she cared for the one thing that meant the most to him. For an 18 year old male that was a lot to handle and was easy to get confused but they were past that now. He was proving that he could be a father and she was letting him be one as long as he proved to be capable.
It surprises Rachel that Noah so willing leaves the room, she doesn't know why she expected him to stay exactly but she didn't think he would pass up the opportunity to hear that Finn Hudson's life wasn't perfect after all. It also surprises Rachel how at home he seems to be. What surprises her most though; is how much it bothers her. She files it away as jealously, because he clearly has a better relationship with Shelby than she does but she knows that isn't it because jealously doesn't have your hands itching to refresh your memory of skin on skin contact. She takes a moment to collect herself, sips her cocoa and refocuses on the nature of her visit. She looks Shelby straight in the eye and knows somehow that their relationship is about to change. If Rachel can open up to this woman, again, and really let her emotions go and be on the receiving end of support, well… that could change everything. It would change everything.
"I'm going to New York," she says with passion and purpose and overwhelming determination. There is no doubt in her mind that she, Rachel Berry is going to New York. "I'm going to New York, and he isn't. He hasn't, no he won't, even consider it. But to be fair I refuse to consider not going so I guess it's okay. But it's not because I have reasons, I have dreams. He's staying because he doesn't know anything else. Ohio is all he knows, all he wants to know. He hasn't asked me to stay, he won't, I know that but I want him to. But I don't, because the answer is no, and then we'll be done. Or not." She takes another sip of cocoa and expects Shelby to start talking but she doesn't, the woman across from her only nods her head. "It ends in a few months. We end in a few months and we know it, why are we still together? I don't know. I knew before but I don't anymore. We have an expiration date, what is the point of continuing when we have an expiration date. He won't leave me, he has before but he won't again and I want him to because this is crazy. What we're doing is crazy and it will break my heart, it may break me. And I can't think of one reason why I should stay, with him, not in Ohio. I used to say it was because I love him, and I do, I really do love him. But maybe it's not enough. Why should I wait to break my heart until I move to New York? Why am I waiting?" She slides her cocoa away from her, she's exhausted. She had held it all inside for so long and now it was out in the open, it was finally real and she's exhausted.
Shelby looks at Rachel, the beautiful, talented and most charming person she had ever met. Rachel, the child that she had helped create, the child that she had natured that had grown inside of her, that child was on the verge of falling apart and Shelby feels her heart break. She doesn't have the answer, no one does because the heart is not white and black, it's all grey and no one has the answer to grey areas. So she takes her hand, looks her in the eye and supports her in a way she never has. Sophia has taught her so much about herself and so much about being a mom that she know exactly what she needs to do and she is ready, truly ready. Rachel has grown up, she doesn't need her in the same way Sophie does but Shelby realizes now that Rachel will always need her, in the same way that she will always need Michal and Daniel because children never grow out of needing a safe place to run to. "You're doing the best you can in a very hard, very real situation. You love him, and that in itself means that you have a desire to be with him but you're right, it will end. It will end because what you want and what he wants are not the same thing. So there is really only one thing that matters, do you want to spend the time you have left with him or do you want to spend it getting over him?"
Rachel looks down at their joined hands, her skin just slightly more olive than her mothers, her hair slightly lighter and yet she sees herself in this woman. Or better yet she sees the person she can be, the person that New York would help her be. Rachel pictures her life, five years from now fresh out of college and at every audition taking every class really living her dream. Not once does she see Finn, not once does she long for him to be by her side. Finn has his place in her life and his place is here in lima, in her past. But that past doesn't begin until she steps off the plane six months. So how did she want to spend the rest of her time in Lima? She looks up at Shelby and for the first time feels safe. She doesn't feel like she needs to watch her words or reign in her emotions or side step past all of the things she can't say. She feels like she can say anything, so she lays herself bare. "I don't know." And she didn't. A part of her already felt as though her relationship was over, and there was nothing to get over. The other part felt like she was deeply in denial and on the verge of losing everything.
"Would it hurt then to do nothing at all? If you don't know what you want to do, would it do any harm to continue doing what you already are?" Shelby almost takes the words back, sees Rachel's eyes widen in shock and fears she has blown it in a major way. Before she can say anything else Rachel is up out of her chair and around the table pulling her into a hug. She doesn't know what she did right but she is glad for it as she slides her hand around her daughter and returns the embrace. She knew somehow that things had changed, she was ready, Rachel seemed ready, they would be different now.
"I think, maybe you're right. Finn and I both now how this will end, there isn't really anything to lose but I think, I feel like we deserve more than that. I just don't think we want it. If that makes sense." She backs out of the hug and sits back down, takes a sip of the cocoa she had abandoned early feeling less tired, less weighed down. She knows that love is capable of being so much more than what she had, but she wasn't ready for more. Right now she thinks Finn is exactly what she can handle, New York will be more but right now she has, she wants this. Shelby nods, looks as if she understand and then surprises her with a laugh, a real genuine laugh and it sounds a lot like hers.
"It makes sense, you don't always want what you know you deserve right when you know you deserve it. Sometimes you have to wait it out until you're ready for the really good stuff." Being Rachel's mother was one of those really good things Shelby had waited for so she knew that she was talking about. She gets up to give her some space, time to digest her words and their meaning. She begins to prepare dinner and Rachel, without her asking starts to help.
They dance around each other in a way that is comfortable and oddly familiar. Puck decides it's cute as he stands in the door way watching them. They are so alike it scares him, and it's more than just how they look or how they sing. He knows for a fact that they both bake to relax, that they both love yoga and that they both scrunch up their noses when they have something to say but are trying really hard not to say it. There are things about Rachel he knows she got from Shelby, things he'd know about her before she had known about her mom, it was pretty weird. It makes him think about all the things Sophia will have that will be all him, or all Quinn. She already has his smirk, she's barely a year old and she smirks just like him. And one day, it'll be them in the kitchen dancing around each other making dinner. Or maybe she'll sit on the counter and he'll lean next to her talking about her day at school while they watch her mom and Rachel do all the work. The weird thing is that even before this conversation, he knew that somehow Rachel would be a part of Shelby's life, which meant a part of Sophia's, a part of his. He doesn't want to interrupt so he props himself up against the counter and watches.
Rachel can feel him behind her, she can feel the way his eyes follow her around the kitchen and the way she knows when they linger a little too long on her legs. It doesn't bother her much, she's used to him looking and when she finishes tossing the salad she turns around leaning against the counter and does some looking of her own. He doesn't back down, she didn't expect him to. They stare at each other until it borders on inappropriate. "It was so nice of you to help Noah" she doesn't know where the sass came from but even to her own ears it sounds like an invitation to their infamous verbal spars. Shelby freezes, she can feel the chemistry between them and finds it odd that not only does she feel protective of Rachel's heart but she has the urge to shield Noah's as well. Before she can defuse… whatever it is that has the potential to start, "I like my food made right Berry, and that's not going to happen if I have any hand in making it." He's lying, Shelby knows for a fact that Noah knows his way around the kitchen but the mirth in Rachel's eyes is a welcome change from the emotions they held just moments ago. She laughs a little to herself and listens absently as they trade one-liners back and forth. There is a feeling inside her house that had never been there before, it feels like home. Noah was Sophia's father a permanent fixture in her life, Rachel her daughter, and something about them all being here in her kitchen feels right to her. Two weeks ago she was unsure about so many things but of this she has no doubt.
Sophia wakes up from her nap just as Rachel removes the homemade mac and cheese from the oven. She watches Shelby for a minute while Noah sets the table and is surprised when the jealousy and rage that usually consumes her barely even rises. The sight of Sophia used to shake Rachel to her very core and now, now she just wants to get to know her. She wants to have a sister with the same intense longing she once had to have a mother. She joins them in the living room, sits with them and plays. She finds herself thinking about the future, about coming home for the holidays and being here. In this apartment with her mom and her sister who would be playing with blocks and colouring and with Noah who would no doubt be holding a pink marker drawing shapes because he would be wrapped around the little princess's pinkie.
Shelby walks her to her car and reassures her again that she can't possibly make the wrong decision about Finn as long as she does what it best for her. She thanks her again, not only for the advice but really for just being there and she revels in the assurance that she always will be. Rachel has a mom now; she has two amazing fathers, a sister and a mom. It takes her about eighteen minutes to get home and another hour to fill her dads in about her day and another two to get her homework done for the week and another ten for her stomach to drop. It catches up with her faster than a bullet aimed at her head. Rachel had Noah now too. In the future of her life, no matter how distant from today he would be there. She was in a relationship with someone she loved, someone she would undoubtly walk away from, someone she knew would not be around for much longer and all she can think about is the fact that Noah Puckerman will be always be there.