Title: Grey Sky Morning (1/4)
Author: Jenn Perry
E-mail: loveyoulots@email.com
Rating: PG-14
Spoilers: True Love
Distribution: Please ask first
Disclaimer: All recognized characters and situations belong to
Kevin Williamson, The WB, and Granville Productions and I am in
no way affiliated with these entities. All other characters and
situations belong to me. "Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)"
belongs to Vertical Horizon and can be found on their "Everything
You Want" CD.
Summary: Dawson's summer plans never included this.
Props: To Chris, my Marine, thanks for loving me no matter what.
I miss you very much and I can't wait to see you again. Also major
praises to Laura Smith, who is not only my favorite fanfic author,
but is now my favorite beta reader. Laura, you're the best!
Author's Notes: I never thought I'd write a Dawsonfic, but he
came and begged me to tell his tale, so here goes - a four part
series - in his own voice. Thanks to everyone who gave me
feedback on "Open Water" - it means more than I can say (and
I'm a writer g)!
Part One
* * * *
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
* * * *
May 2000
There's an old saying: "If you love something, let it go. If it
comes back, then it was really yours to begin with." Well, guess
what? That handy proverb forgot to mention the part where you
have to sit around and wait for it to come back, desperately hoping
it will, constantly fearing it won't and picturing your life if it
doesn't.
Sure, I'm rambling, but let's just take a minute to look at what my
life has become, shall we? I'm sitting alone in my room, staring at
absolutely blank walls, using my gifted imagination to picture what
my soul mate and her new boy toy are doing and I don't like what I
see. The walls are even barer than before, since my little rage
episode that destroyed the "Imagine" poster-kind of ironic since
I can't help but imagine these days. Aunt Gwen's picture of Joey
and I is under my bed, for now. It's just too painful to look at.
I'm not sure it's possible, but I think I'm living with two halves of
a heart instead of one whole one. For about six weeks or so now,
I could feel it slowly tearing, one shred of muscle at a time.
Every wistful look on Joey's face or depressed look on Pacey's
pulled at my heart a little more. At the wedding, listening to Joey
try to describe our happy summer together, all the while looking
about ten seconds from tears, I knew that I had to let her go. I
had to set her free. I had to know if she would come back.
It's a feeling I had been having ever since the prom. That's the
night everything changed. I knew it would. Of course, it didn't
change the way I had expected it to. Not at all.
It had never really occurred to me that Joey could actually be in
love with him. It wasn't logical. I never gave it a second thought,
especially when she ended it with him after I expressed my
disapproval. She had avoided him since, never truly meeting his
gaze, which I had thought was a form of her embarrassment. Her
discomforted stemmed from the fact that she had done something
that she wasn't proud of. She had been spending a lot of time with
me, trying to rebuild things, which I took as a good omen. That
was until I saw them dance.
She was pressed against him, much closer than we had ever danced.
I watched him smooth her hair, caress her wrist and whisper in her
ear. If it had been anyone but them, it would have been such a
romantic scene. Well, hell, it was something right out of the
movies, but it still made me ill. It makes me ill just thinking about
it.
I noticed Andie across the room, also watching them. She,
however, didn't display the disgust which I knew must be playing
across my face like a violin. She didn't look angry that her prom
date was intimately wrapped around mine not fifteen feet from
her. Instead, her expression was more of resignation and sadness.
Well, she could give up, but I was going to fight for Joey.
For the moment, though, I was frozen in place, my eyes locked on
them in some sort of morbid curiosity. Joey was so wrapped up in
him that she didn't see me standing there, ten feet away. When he
pulled her closer still, I could feel the strands of my heart
breaking a little more, moving me closer two having two halves
rather than one whole. Sort of like Joey and me-we were becoming
more Dawson…and…Joey instead of Dawsonandjoey. But then I saw
her face over his shoulder-a face I had never seen before, which
saddened me a little more.
Her cheek was pressed close to his as if she couldn't get close
enough. Her eyes were closed, her mouth slightly gaping. She was
lost in passion-from dancing.
I couldn't take it any longer. Her eyes drifted open and locked
with mine. She wasn't sorry or ashamed-in her gaze, I found no
regrets. That was the last straw. I stormed out of my mother's
restaurant, hoping she would follow. I wanted to tell her how I had
choreographed this whole evening. I needed her to know how I had
planned the perfect night, how I had tried to fulfill every girl's
prom dream date. I had to tell her how much I needed her and
how much I wanted to be with her, to hold her, hug her, kiss her
and love her.
And she did come running after me, but the conversation did not go
as scripted. Not at all. The words meant to woo her at the end of
the night came out as accusations and my last ditch effort to make
her feel it, a kiss, fell flat when she didn't kiss me back. My
pride hurt and my heart severely bruised, I left her standing in
the middle of the street. And she didn't come after me.
When I got home, I fell on my bed and stared. I felt like crying,
but I couldn't. No tears would come. I knew then that I had lost
and it was so painful. This war between Pacey and me, that had
driven away the guy that I had loved like brother, that I had
trusted to watch my girl's back for a while, it was finally coming
to an end. I think I was the only one who knew it at that moment,
but all the battles had been fought. All the ultimatums and bribes,
the fights and harsh words were over. The victory was not mine.
The spoils of war would not go to me; they would go to him.
The days that followed were filled with tension, even with my
parents getting married. Joey spent all her free time at my house,
helping my mother plan the details of their wedding. She'd come
over to study and sometimes stay for dinner. It felt like old times
again, just like she wanted. But it wasn't real. Sometimes I'd catch
this look on her face like she wanted to be anywhere but here. But
she stayed. She wanted to prove to me that she was my friend.
She needed my approval.
I liked that feeling of power at first. It meant that Joey needed
to be with me and I definitely wanted that, no matter how it
happened. But it wasn't enough. I didn't want her to climb through
my window, wanting to watch a movie because she felt she should or
that she had to. I wanted her to want to be with me. It became
evident with every passing day that she was restless, that she
didn't want to go back to the way things were. She wanted to
move on. But she couldn't move on without my endorsement.
Standing there on that dock, telling her to walk away from me was
the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told her to go to him, that
she was free of me. After every sentence, I hoped she would give
me the look I'd been craving. The look that said she wanted to be
with me, that she didn't want to leave me here. The look never came.
Instead, she turned around and walked away. The chains fell to the
ground and we became two separate entities. There would be no
more DawsonandJoey, no more climbing through my window, no more
rowing to my dock. She had finally made her decision and I had lost.
I had been right. The spoils of this war were not mine. The finals
shreds of tissue that had been holding my mangled heart together
separated, leaving me with a completely broken heart, one with two
separate halves, no connection between them. The pain overcame
me, and the tears that I had been holding in flowed out of my body
in such a release that I fell to the dock unable to pull myself up for
quite sometime.
When I did pull myself together, I knew I had made the right
choice. I couldn't tell her how wrong Pacey was for her. She had
to find out for herself. Then she would come back to me.
For now, I just have to wait.
* * * *
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
* * * *
End Part One
Author: Jenn Perry
E-mail: loveyoulots@email.com
Rating: PG-14
Spoilers: True Love
Distribution: Please ask first
Disclaimer: All recognized characters and situations belong to
Kevin Williamson, The WB, and Granville Productions and I am in
no way affiliated with these entities. All other characters and
situations belong to me. "Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)"
belongs to Vertical Horizon and can be found on their "Everything
You Want" CD.
Summary: Dawson's summer plans never included this.
Props: To Chris, my Marine, thanks for loving me no matter what.
I miss you very much and I can't wait to see you again. Also major
praises to Laura Smith, who is not only my favorite fanfic author,
but is now my favorite beta reader. Laura, you're the best!
Author's Notes: I never thought I'd write a Dawsonfic, but he
came and begged me to tell his tale, so here goes - a four part
series - in his own voice. Thanks to everyone who gave me
feedback on "Open Water" - it means more than I can say (and
I'm a writer g)!
Part One
* * * *
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
* * * *
May 2000
There's an old saying: "If you love something, let it go. If it
comes back, then it was really yours to begin with." Well, guess
what? That handy proverb forgot to mention the part where you
have to sit around and wait for it to come back, desperately hoping
it will, constantly fearing it won't and picturing your life if it
doesn't.
Sure, I'm rambling, but let's just take a minute to look at what my
life has become, shall we? I'm sitting alone in my room, staring at
absolutely blank walls, using my gifted imagination to picture what
my soul mate and her new boy toy are doing and I don't like what I
see. The walls are even barer than before, since my little rage
episode that destroyed the "Imagine" poster-kind of ironic since
I can't help but imagine these days. Aunt Gwen's picture of Joey
and I is under my bed, for now. It's just too painful to look at.
I'm not sure it's possible, but I think I'm living with two halves of
a heart instead of one whole one. For about six weeks or so now,
I could feel it slowly tearing, one shred of muscle at a time.
Every wistful look on Joey's face or depressed look on Pacey's
pulled at my heart a little more. At the wedding, listening to Joey
try to describe our happy summer together, all the while looking
about ten seconds from tears, I knew that I had to let her go. I
had to set her free. I had to know if she would come back.
It's a feeling I had been having ever since the prom. That's the
night everything changed. I knew it would. Of course, it didn't
change the way I had expected it to. Not at all.
It had never really occurred to me that Joey could actually be in
love with him. It wasn't logical. I never gave it a second thought,
especially when she ended it with him after I expressed my
disapproval. She had avoided him since, never truly meeting his
gaze, which I had thought was a form of her embarrassment. Her
discomforted stemmed from the fact that she had done something
that she wasn't proud of. She had been spending a lot of time with
me, trying to rebuild things, which I took as a good omen. That
was until I saw them dance.
She was pressed against him, much closer than we had ever danced.
I watched him smooth her hair, caress her wrist and whisper in her
ear. If it had been anyone but them, it would have been such a
romantic scene. Well, hell, it was something right out of the
movies, but it still made me ill. It makes me ill just thinking about
it.
I noticed Andie across the room, also watching them. She,
however, didn't display the disgust which I knew must be playing
across my face like a violin. She didn't look angry that her prom
date was intimately wrapped around mine not fifteen feet from
her. Instead, her expression was more of resignation and sadness.
Well, she could give up, but I was going to fight for Joey.
For the moment, though, I was frozen in place, my eyes locked on
them in some sort of morbid curiosity. Joey was so wrapped up in
him that she didn't see me standing there, ten feet away. When he
pulled her closer still, I could feel the strands of my heart
breaking a little more, moving me closer two having two halves
rather than one whole. Sort of like Joey and me-we were becoming
more Dawson…and…Joey instead of Dawsonandjoey. But then I saw
her face over his shoulder-a face I had never seen before, which
saddened me a little more.
Her cheek was pressed close to his as if she couldn't get close
enough. Her eyes were closed, her mouth slightly gaping. She was
lost in passion-from dancing.
I couldn't take it any longer. Her eyes drifted open and locked
with mine. She wasn't sorry or ashamed-in her gaze, I found no
regrets. That was the last straw. I stormed out of my mother's
restaurant, hoping she would follow. I wanted to tell her how I had
choreographed this whole evening. I needed her to know how I had
planned the perfect night, how I had tried to fulfill every girl's
prom dream date. I had to tell her how much I needed her and
how much I wanted to be with her, to hold her, hug her, kiss her
and love her.
And she did come running after me, but the conversation did not go
as scripted. Not at all. The words meant to woo her at the end of
the night came out as accusations and my last ditch effort to make
her feel it, a kiss, fell flat when she didn't kiss me back. My
pride hurt and my heart severely bruised, I left her standing in
the middle of the street. And she didn't come after me.
When I got home, I fell on my bed and stared. I felt like crying,
but I couldn't. No tears would come. I knew then that I had lost
and it was so painful. This war between Pacey and me, that had
driven away the guy that I had loved like brother, that I had
trusted to watch my girl's back for a while, it was finally coming
to an end. I think I was the only one who knew it at that moment,
but all the battles had been fought. All the ultimatums and bribes,
the fights and harsh words were over. The victory was not mine.
The spoils of war would not go to me; they would go to him.
The days that followed were filled with tension, even with my
parents getting married. Joey spent all her free time at my house,
helping my mother plan the details of their wedding. She'd come
over to study and sometimes stay for dinner. It felt like old times
again, just like she wanted. But it wasn't real. Sometimes I'd catch
this look on her face like she wanted to be anywhere but here. But
she stayed. She wanted to prove to me that she was my friend.
She needed my approval.
I liked that feeling of power at first. It meant that Joey needed
to be with me and I definitely wanted that, no matter how it
happened. But it wasn't enough. I didn't want her to climb through
my window, wanting to watch a movie because she felt she should or
that she had to. I wanted her to want to be with me. It became
evident with every passing day that she was restless, that she
didn't want to go back to the way things were. She wanted to
move on. But she couldn't move on without my endorsement.
Standing there on that dock, telling her to walk away from me was
the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told her to go to him, that
she was free of me. After every sentence, I hoped she would give
me the look I'd been craving. The look that said she wanted to be
with me, that she didn't want to leave me here. The look never came.
Instead, she turned around and walked away. The chains fell to the
ground and we became two separate entities. There would be no
more DawsonandJoey, no more climbing through my window, no more
rowing to my dock. She had finally made her decision and I had lost.
I had been right. The spoils of this war were not mine. The finals
shreds of tissue that had been holding my mangled heart together
separated, leaving me with a completely broken heart, one with two
separate halves, no connection between them. The pain overcame
me, and the tears that I had been holding in flowed out of my body
in such a release that I fell to the dock unable to pull myself up for
quite sometime.
When I did pull myself together, I knew I had made the right
choice. I couldn't tell her how wrong Pacey was for her. She had
to find out for herself. Then she would come back to me.
For now, I just have to wait.
* * * *
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
* * * *
End Part One