I don't know how to let you go
'I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have myself to recognize
I don't know how to let you go'
- Do What You Have To Do by Sarah Mclachlan
"Do you love me?"
It was a simple question, but the answer could be fatal. Maybe that was why she didn't ask him. Or maybe that's why he didn't ask her. The blonde girl in the mirror didn't know that answer. All she knew was tonight is the night. There's no turning back now. No more places to hide, no more faces to hide behind. She fell down on the bed, trying to keep her thoughts and emotions in order. It's for the best. You do what you have to do, right?
But she wasn't sure.
You don't have to do this. You can stay in wonderland and have all of your dreams come true.
But wonderland wasn't what she had expected it to be and to stay would be… lying to herself. She was good at that, but eventually even the biggest child must grow up. The world as she knew it would break, but she would be free.
But was it worth it? Was it?
Maybe. Perhaps he thought the exact same thoughts right now. She didn't know. She didn't know him that well, she realized that now. But this would be for the best. It had to be.
'
Meet me by the lake tonight at 10. I need to talk to you. Yours, S.'Yes, she would. She held the note in her hand. It was 9.30. Time to go.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He was there already. He sat on a blanket by the lake. Picture perfect. Why wouldn't she be a part of it?
Cause it would be living a lie.
"Hi"
"Hi," she answered quietly as she sat down beside him. He tried to kiss her, but she turned away and his lips stroke her chin softly.
"What's the matter?"
She could drown in his eyes like she had so many times before or she could be strong and do what she had come to do.
"I'm glad you called me here tonight cause I need to talk to you too."
"Yeah? Well, you go first."
It was now or never. He had said the magic words and she couldn't turn back. But what if he does loves me? No, she had to shake those thoughts away. She had to do this, even if it meant… Forgive me, please accept it and forgive me.
"I don't know how to say this, but I have to let you go. It's not a question of love… or trust. Cause I do both. I'm not sure… of anything anymore, but I do know… you have to go."
There, she had said it. And she bent her head down for the deafening silence that followed. He didn't… love her. He didn't accept it. And he wouldn't forgive her. When she finally looked up, there was tears in his eyes. She had never seen him cry before. But he wept now.
"How can you… You don't mean that. I love you."
"… You do?" Tears threatened in her eyes too. How could I let him go?
"What do you think I brought you here to tell you? I was gonna ask you to marry me!" He stood up.
No…
She looked up at him, her tears made her whole face shine in the dull darkness.
"I'm sorry"
"Not as sorry as I am."
He left. For never to come back…
'I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do'
"I just did what I had to do…"
But the answer was silence and nothing more.