©Tite Kubo

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A Promise to Break

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Who could've thought that a peaceful Sunday can turn into a nightmare in just a blink of an eye?

Life is so unfair. Yet, I still embrace it in my arms like a mother would to her precious baby.

I gazed up to the beautiful sky, letting the numbness ripple inside me. Thin strips of clouds played across the seemingly endless blue horizon. I smiled and closed my eyes.

I want to shout. I want to cry. I want to fight. I really, really want to fight.

Let me fight. Just for another year, please... let me fight. And then after that, I'm all Yours, I thought at the heavens looming bright over me.

It didn't reply.

I knew that. I sighed and smiled bitterly.

The wind picked up, swirling around the fallen leaves and caressing my cheeks so gently as if it was saying "sorry" on behalf of the heaven.

I knew that, I thought again. It didn't shatter my hope but it sure hurt like a slap on my face.

The heaven resented me, I guess. Why would I keep on begging it to give another year? It wouldn't even talk to me, much less grant my wish.

"What are you doing here?"

A very familiar voice quivered behind me. I knew I shouldn't look back because I perfectly knew well whose deep, soothing voice it was. I should've walk away quietly and hide in my car and urge my driver to get me away from this place immediately. But I held on.

Like a moth to the fire, I slowly looked back and my heart dropped to my flipping stomach. I forced a smile through my pale lips and hoped that he couldn't see a grimace.

"Hi," I breathed. He scowled in return. He moved around the bush and contemplated on sitting beside me, like he was silently asking my permission if he could sit on the wooden bench.

I smiled at him encouragingly.

"What are you doing here?" He asked again as he settled down on the farthest side of the bench.

He didn't want to sit close beside me. That was not a surprise. But actually, it hurt.

"I should be asking you the same thing," I countered softly. Even if I wanted to raise my voice, I'm too shaken to do so. Ah, the effect of having him within my perimeter.

His gorgeous face scrunched up a little and huffed exaggeratedly. "She..." he muttered weakly.

"Oh," I said, almost inaudible. My heart thumped unevenly. She, my mind mocked me. Of course, it was all about her now. Everything that once was supposed to be me was her now.

"W-what happened to her?" I forced a lump in my throat. Even though she was partially the reason I'm hurting like this, I couldn't possibly wish for her to be gone. I cannot wish for something so evil like that, no matter how much I yearn for him.

"She's fine now," he amended quickly, seeing the worried look on my clammy face.

He averted his eyes from mine before answering, "She tried to kill herself."

Unimaginable anger bubbled inside me. How dare she? How dare she attempt to kill herself when so many people would do anything just to hold on for their lives?

She doesn't have the right to end her life regardless of what her stupid problem was. She doesn't have the right throw it away, not when somebody out there wanted to live a life like her. She doesn't have the right to hurt him that way.

"Are you okay?" He cocked his head to one side in a very adorable way. The way I remembered so clearly. My chest tightened at the sight.

I controlled my anger. I'm good at that because I practiced a lot since he came back.

"Can I... see her?"

The door opened before he could grab the doorknob. A nurse came out, holding a clipboard and a stethoscope hung around her neck.

She glanced up from the clipboard as she went through the door. She was pleasantly surprised to see me and offered me a heart melting smile.

"Hey, sweetie!" She greeted me. "How did it go?" She was referring to my latest visit to the hematology department. She always was the one to take care of me whenever I got confined. And that means a lot, so I got acquainted with her.

I tried very hard not to grimace, "It went well, thank you." No, it didn't. It was so far away from being well.

"Oh, that's great to hear!" She patted me on my shoulder and was gone. I felt bad about lying to her.

He looked at me curiously as he held the door. Those captivating dark eyes held questions that I wouldn't want to answer. I couldn't answer. Not yet.

I ignored his inquisitive look. I bit my lip and walked inside the hospital room of his girlfriend.

Her hazel brown eyes widened as she saw me. It darted back and forth between me and her boyfriend. The emotions riding in her beautiful orbs were unmistakable mask of mistake and suspicion. She looked like she wanted to cry.

She was lying on the bed, looking pale. But not as pale as me. Her left wrist was bandaged heavily and I resisted the urge to wince.

"Hello," I tried to lighten up her mood with a smile.

"Hi," she replied uncertainly. Honestly, she wasn't a bad person. She was really nice to the point of I can't be compared to her. Things between the three of us were never easy. It was pretty rough. But I never heard her raise her voice to me, accuse me of anything, much less hurt me physically like some bitch.

"I hope you're doing okay," I said sincerely.

"What are you doing here?" She asked in a very polite way. Not at all rude. Just curious.

I inhaled the sterilized smell of the room and briefly closed my eyes. I gathered all the courage I could summon in my body.

"I guess this is a good chance that the three of us can talk, since you can't run away," I smiled at her.

Her lips lifted on the sides in agreement.

"Can I sit?" I gestured to the only chair beside her bed.

"Of course," was her sweet reply.

The guy we both fell in love with was sitting on the other side of her bed. I didn't miss the silent conversation that passed between them.

This is it, I thought. You can do it, I lamely cheered for myself.

"Don't worry, I'm not here to ruin your relationship or anything."

They both looked at me with sheepish eyes but didn't say anything so I continued to speak.

I turned to the pretty girl on the bed, "You don't have anything to be suspicious about. To start with, your boyfriend just bumped on me in the garden," I said reassuringly. "And like I said, I didn't come here to jeopardize your relationship. My coming here in the hospital has got nothing to do with you or him. Anyway, I'll get to that later," I smiled warily.

They were listening intently. Good. I took another deep breath.

"What happened between me and him in the past is going to remain in the past. He got you now." I was surprised with myself. A few weeks ago, just by thinking about it made me cry. But now, I was holding my ground, though a lump in my throat didn't go away.

"The reason I'm talking to you now is because..." I needed air. "Because I want you stop your crazy stunts."

Both of them had bulging eyes and hang their jaws open.

"I know why you're doing this and I want you to stop it. You're hurting him," I inclined my head towards the handsome guy beside her.

"I know you feel insecure with me because we had longer...relationship. You're afraid that he might one day leave you to come back for me. You shouldn't worry about that anymore. Everything between us is done," I said softly. I breathed and straightened up on my seat.

I looked at them. They were confused, especially him. But I could detect a small sign of relief on his girlfriend's face.

"I admit that we hadn't had a clear break off. We had a few loose ends that we need to fix and maybe this is the right time to do it." Because I don't have much time.

"What are you trying to say?" He asked in a hush whisper. When did the room become so quiet?

"Two years ago," I began, ignoring his question and the painful lump in my throat. "He promised me he would come back. But promises are made to be broken, right?" I laughed bitterly and the anguish and guilt on his handsome face was almost unbearable. I knew I had nailed it right on the soft spot.

"We didn't keep in touch because...it's complicated," I brushed it off, not wanting to elaborate it further more. "But every day, I cling on to that promise. I believed in him because I love him. It was that promise that kept me going all this time.

"Then, after a year since you left," I looked at him but instantly dropped my gaze to my lap. I paused to breath, here goes.

"A year after you left, I...I fell ill," I gauged their reaction. I saw surprise, curiosity and confusion.

"I developed bruises on my skin. I lose weight and I started to faint for no reason at all. My brother became worried so he had me confined in this hospital," I paused again. They eyed me intently, probably wondering what the hell I was talking about.

"All the while I was here, my blood count dropped in an alarming rate and I was as pale as a ghost. The doctors were unusually worried; they ran tests on me and they found out I have-" I caught my breath. My eyes prickled and the insistent limp in my throat was threatening to get bigger.

God, it was more difficult than I imagine.

"What is it?" He asked, anticipation burned in his eyes. I looked at him, determined to be strong.

"I have leukemia."

Gasps slipped out of their lips almost simultaneously.

"I was in stage 2 acute lymphoblastic leukemia then. It was shocking. I didn't want to believe it but the crystal clear signs and symptoms were etched on my skin."

"What?" he whispered, horrified.

I closed my eyes and when I snapped them open, I stared deep into his wide brown ones, "The news was devastating. That time... I needed somebody to hold on to. I needed someone to comfort me and it wasn't my brother." I glanced at him meaningfully. Of course, it wasn't my brother. It would be like seeking warmth from a block of ice.

"I desperately cling on to your promise like it was my lifeline. 'He will be back, he will be back' was my mantra whenever I undergo hours of painful chemotherapy," I smiled at him through my tears. I quickly wiped it as it spilled down my cheeks.

He looked like he swallowed a brick. He visibly paled as he listened to my story. His girlfriend was slacked jawed and was crying silently, too.

"There was also the time when I thought of giving up. I couldn't handle the therapy, anymore and it wasn't doing any good, I could feel it. I wanted to tell the doctors to just stop trying coz it was making me more ill. But then, images of you flashed in my mind and the thought of you, sad and all alone when I'm gone, was unbearably painful. So I tried harder. It was you who kept me fighting."

I drew in a deep breath. I paused for a moment to let it sink in their brains.

They were speechless, looking at me like I was about to explode.

"One year had past and I wasn't doing any good. In fact, I was getting worse. The doctors said that chemotherapy isn't compatible with me, so they stopped it before it kills me."

He inhaled sharply.

"Oh, yes," I nodded at him grimly. "Chemotherapy is effective for the right person. But it can kill the wrong person that just happened to be me. The doctors had no choice, they can only prevent the symptoms with prescribed medicines but the malignant cells continued to cause havoc in my body."

"You..." he uttered miserably, his tongue lost for words.

"A few weeks before, my brother invited me to accompany him in a party with his social circle. He must've sensed that I could also die in boredom at his mansion so he took me with him. It was thoughtful of him... or as thoughtful as a block of ice can be," I chuckled softly.

"Then I saw you there."

Silence.

"My heart leapt in joy as my eyes laid on you. Even from afar, I recognized you. I momentarily forgot the fact that I was dying. I ran to your direction... just in time to see you put a kiss on her lips," I gestured to the girl lying on the bed. She wasn't looking at me as she fiddled with her fingers. She looked guilty. Ashamed, even.

"You still remember that? The look on your face was priceless. I could've teased you, but I was so badly shattered here," I put my hand on my surprisingly calm heart.

"It hit me like punch in the gut by a world-class boxer. All along... all these time, I realized I was just holding on to a delusional promise." Tears cascaded down my face and I didn't bother to wipe it.

"The pain-" a childish sob escaped my throat. "The pain ripped me apart. It was worse than the time you went away... worse than the pain from all those useless chemotherapy sessions. I felt like I just died right on the spot."

"I-I didn't know-" he choked. He was shaking. He was in pain just like I was. It wasn't really my intention to say all these things just to hurt him but I needed to. I needed to tell him my side of story.

Well, I don't know but maybe, deep inside me, my inner demon wanted to slap it to his face and scream to him how a fucking liar he was. Part of me wanted to make him feel the guilt for what he'd done to me. I wanted him to know how he smashed my heart into a million, broken pieces...

Pieces that cannot be glued together.

I cleared my face and exhaled. It's time to end this. I had told them enough and I wanted to flee from this place. I looked at them, making sure they were still listening.

"You two are wondering what am doing here today. Simple: my doctor handed me my deadline."

They gasped. I wonder if their eyes could widen more.

"W-what do you mean?" She asked, speaking for the first time after my story. The guy beside her was just too stunned to speak.

"I'm in my final stage of leukemia. It cannot be cured, anymore. They've given up on me and gave me four months to live my life," I said in a matter of fact.

"What?" They gaped at me. She clasped her hand on to her mouth and tears fell on her soft cheeks. On the other hand, he was frozen. His eyes glazed and before he knew it, a tear escaped from the corner of his eye.

I smiled weakly, "I only have four months to live. I can't wrap my head around it. My mind refused to process it. But honestly, I knew it was coming. It's just a matter of time and now it's here," I shrugged.

"You know, I still want to fight because I love you. I want to fight because you are still here," I looked at him. "It's okay if I don't have you. It's alright, really... even if it hurts, because I know you're happy with her. I am contented by just looking at you from afar. I realized today that I'm truly happy that you found her, that you don't see me the way you saw me before, that you didn't love me anymore-" my heart wrenched. But I held my smile despite the pain. "At least, you're not suffering with me."

I couldn't describe the myriad of emotions played across his face.

I turned to her and reached out for her hand. I squeezed it gently and I smiled sincerely at her, "take care of him. Love him more than I love him. Make him happy the way I couldn't. Give him a long-lasting memory instead of the fleeting ones I left..." Tears continued to flow freely from my puffy eyes as I held her hand tightly. "Don't leave him the way I'm going leave," I whispered.

"H-hey... D-don't say that!" Her voice quivered.

"I'm running out of time. As much as I want to fight, there's no one I could fight with. Don't worry, I won't be back to trouble you two again. I don't think I will," I shook my head remorsefully and they looked like they wanted to protest.

I stood and smiled as cheerful as I could to the both of them.

"Take care of yourselves. Love each other and I hope you live a long, happy life together."

They were stunned still. Their wide eyes were the last thing I saw as I turned and slowly walk out the door.

"I love you, Ichigo..." I murmured as tears pooled fiercely in my eyes and fell.

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12/19/12 23:57

OWARI

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Spontaneous idea. I just had to write it down!

Alright, guys! It's my very first Bleach fanfic. Actually, I was writing it on my 'original stories' folder but then, another neon-light-blinking idea hi-jacked me and decided to put it here. Also, Ichigo is the only character ever named there. You have the free-will to imagine who's the stupid suicidal girl. But I'm definitely pointing to some booby girl with horrible cooking skills. Hahaha, sorry IchiHime fans. I don't hate Orihime ... I just dislike her with a very strong passion.

But to be clear, it was obviously Kuchiki Rukia narrating, okay?

This is major OOC, I know, because it was supposed to be an original story.

natsu_no_sora jumping out. Ja!