When it Rained
Disclaimer: Aaron Sorkin owns them and writes them all much better than I do…but it doesn't stop me from trying.
A/N: I would sincerely like to thank my beta, Jen. She's awesome for more reasons than just editing this fic. She's the one who sent me a tape of West Wing episodes and got me hooked. I've only seen some random eps and the entire first season (thanks to my aunt's dvds!) So this is set before the end of the finale. I just felt that there were some things left unresolved about Danny and CJ. My goal in writing this fic was not to add anything more to their relationship. A good deal of it is how CJ felt about everything that happened, and a scene I felt was missing between them. Enjoy!
She thought about him as she stared blankly out the window at the falling rain. She always thought of him when it rained.
CJ turned away from the window, but it didn't change the thoughts running through her mind. Same as always it drifted, going back to the little flirtations that had set the whole thing in motion.
When it first began, she really didn't believe it was genuine. Of course he proved himself to her in time.
CJ would never forget how ridiculously sweet he looked, walking into her office with a little fish bowl. Why had Josh told him about her affinity for goldfish crackers anyway? She supposed she'd never know, but Danny got the information wrong and assumed that she liked actual goldfish.
It was then that she realized his flirting and affections were real; at that moment when he stood in her office, fish bowl in hand, feeling mildly embarrassed while she laughed at his expense.
She felt guilty immediately. Guilty for doubting his motives, and likewise for laughing so hard at his gesture. It was just too sweet for her to stop giggling.
And worse, she hadn't given much thought to her feelings for him. Sure, he was attractive, persistent, and had a habit of making her feel good. Plus, he'd brought her a fish…but so many other things stood in their way.
CJ didn't know exactly what she wanted, but Danny was very deserving of the chaste kiss she placed on his cheek. It seemed to please him.
She remembered the brief taste of his skin that she caught as her lips pressed softly against him. She didn't feel complete desire for him-yet; but there was undoubtedly something between them.
Everyday she looked at that fish…Gail, she laughed to herself…she was reminded of the incredibly sweet man who'd given it to her. Of course, he reminded her as well, by asking her out just about every chance he got.
She knew that the biggest problem with having feelings for Danny was the Senior Staff. She was afraid that if she became involved with a member of the press she would become a laughing stock of the White House. She was afraid they already felt she was too close to the press, and she worried that they didn't take her seriously at times.
CJ told Leo that she was ignoring Danny's advances as best she could. Physically she was, but mentally, she was not. Every time he asked it was harder and harder to say no.
And then Leo said the most amazing thing to her; that he didn't care. She knew that he meant it in a wholly different context. She brought it up as he came in to discuss Hate Crimes Legislation, and he shrugged it off, saying he didn't care. He meant that he didn't care about it period.
But all the while her brain could think of only one thing. That maybe, possibly, somehow, it really didn't matter, and all this time she'd been holding Danny at bay, she could be open with herself, and with him as well.
That thought ate away at her until finally, during an argument with Danny one day, she blurted "Prove it to me…over dinner." She hadn't exactly meant to say it, but she'd been so tempted for so long that she couldn't help herself. Barely recovering in time, she added the business aspect to it...
…but she'd never looked so nice or worried so much in the hours leading up to any other business dinner in her life.
He made her absentminded. Just thinking about him for a minute or seeing him among the press. She hated how stupid she sounded, telling him to bring his notebook. Idiot! Her brain screamed at her.
Their business dinner was what it was. She couldn't change how awkward and idiotic he made her feel. She wanted to talk to him about personal things, but aside from once or twice, they didn't deviate from business.
When the evening ended, CJ would have loved nothing more than a kiss. She rarely got what she wanted, however, and this night was no exception. She had a way of ruining her moments when they came, which is exactly what she did by giving him an awkward, "Well…good night."
Danny took it as a cue to leave her alone, and that they were finished. But they weren't, not yet, and not as he drove away from her.
She remembered feeling so lonely that night. It worried her that he left without saying anything to her except: "See you tomorrow." She almost wished that things had gotten hot between them and that he had stayed with her. Mostly she was just afraid that he'd think she wasn't interested at all.
Thinking about him drove her mad. She couldn't sit in her office for more than a half hour without her mind drifting away to thoughts of what-if.
Finally, the night of the State of the Union address, she realized she couldn't take it anymore. Watching Mallory kiss Sam…that was what she wanted, and she knew that Danny was waiting on her move. If she wanted something to happen, she would have to initiate it herself.
Her Id took over and she heard herself telling Carol to send Danny into her office. Had she really said that? She thought about coming up with something else to tell him; news, work, that Gail spoke to her the other day. But she knew, ultimately what she needed to do.
She'd told him repeatedly that there was nothing there. She lied to him again and again, but it did no good. She knew now that there was, but she told herself that one kiss might cure her. Another lie.
In fact, she told him the same thing. Danny didn't seem to mind that she was kissing him to get rid of him. Perhaps he knew her true feelings, and knew that she'd never be satisfied with one kiss.
CJ stood there, in that stupid, awkward way she got when she was around him. She didn't expect that he'd pull her into such a passionate kiss without warning while she babbled on about not knocking over the fish.
It really was something. When they stopped, she was breathless and without words. Almost returning to the speech with Gail, she then had the grace to walk into the closed door. Still, she couldn't help but smile when she reached the other side. It was a great kiss.
Of course, she had worsened the situation, because now that she knew how wonderful kissing him felt, she only wanted more.
He gave it to her, grabbing her the next day and kissing her, softly on the lips. He told her right then and there that he didn't expect for her to continue her feelings for him if she didn't, but that he'd just wanted one more kiss while he still had the chance. In the middle of his bizarre little explanation, CJ grabbed him and kissed him, hard.
With her little Id running wild, she kept it up all week - until Toby made a crack about her leaking information to Danny. Proof that their relationship was not quite inconspicuous anymore.
The mere thought that the Senior Staff didn't trust her, or that they took her as a joke was too much for her to stand. She knew all along that there was a conflict of interest between her and Danny and their respective jobs, and she knew what she had to do.
She went to him, not even intending to say something to him that day. But as she asked his opinion, her frustration built, and she informed him that there wouldn't be anymore kisses.
It made her sad, and she was halfway resolved to kiss him again anyway. She knew that he wouldn't mind.
But she spent the rest of that day thinking about Danny…mulling over their situation, and then…the Lydells.
She wanted to fix things with Danny, and she wanted to do something about the Lydells. It wasn't right…not any of it.
She wasn't sure what state of mind she'd been driven to, or what on Earth possessed her, but she almost leaked the Lydell story to him. If he hadn't been such a good person, and God, he respected her that much, that he didn't take it.
CJ remembered him making a crack about continuing to kiss him. He was trying to lighten the mood, but she could think of nothing except the incredibly stupid move she almost made. She thought about it for weeks after, and couldn't shake the feeling of incompetence that overwhelmed her brain.
After that she was a little afraid of how to act around him. True to her word, she didn't kiss him again, but he continued to flirt with her.
She really did want to do the Jackal for him that night…make him laugh, and spend time with him. And she really did like his suspenders.
But then there was that damn memo. And her snub in the pressroom…and yelling at him. She wasn't sure that he didn't deserve it, and it was just easier; being mad at him. She just didn't like making mistakes and she liked it even less when she got called out for them. The fact that he yelled at her that day didn't help matters at all.
The President had to tell her that Danny was just doing his job. Like she didn't know that. As she told Danny later, she was the one who got blamed for the memo fiasco, which was why she was so upset about it.
He seemed to understand that and for some reason, she felt much better after talking to him.
CJ smoothed things over with Danny and gave him a tip, hoping to show him that their rough patch was over, and that she wanted forgiveness.
Danny agreed to come out for a drink, but things had shifted between them. He didn't push, and though she wouldn't have let him, she still had feelings for him. It was hard, keeping it from him. She could sense that if she made a move, he would follow, beat for beat, but then they would just wind up in the same mess all over again.
It was very civil; a glass between friends. When they parted ways, it was raining softly over DC.
"Listen," CJ began.
"No," Danny said. "CJ, I get it, okay? I know that it's not gonna work like it was anymore."
She bit her lip and nodded, knowing there was no turning back now. This thing…it was really over and neither of them would revisit it again.
"Hey, CJ?" Danny said, pulling her from her glassy stare into space.
"Yeah?" She answered blankly.
"It was really good while it lasted," he finished.
CJ looked at him, something she'd been trying not to do. "Yes it was," she told him honestly. She leaned toward him to kiss him softly on the lips one last time.
As she walked away, the rain mixed with her tears. It was a hopeless situation, but she still prayed that someday it would work.
That thought always comforted her and got her through the her days; until it rained.
Every time it rained CJ Creeg was reminded of the night she turned away the man she loved. Though she tried her hardest not to think about him, it never failed. Her memories and emotions came flooding back to her when it rained.