How not to ruin your best mate's wedding

By Sirius Black

Rule #1: Do not be late. You are obviously the best man, because the groom is your best mate. So don't be late.

Rule #2: Do not steal the bride's dress. She will be very angry.

Rule #2a: Do not forget that the bride is very good at hexes and steal her dress. It will end badly for both you and your beautiful, beautiful hair.

Rule #3: When the bride reclaims her dress, do not ask, "what's the point of wearing the dress if [insert groom's name here is just going to take it off later?"

Rule #4: Do not slap the bride's arse. The groom will threaten to hex you into oblivion.

Rule #5: Do not pay attention to the bride's friend's husband making faces at you while you're trying to do your duty as best man.

Rule #5a: Do not start laughing at the bride's friend's husband. The bride, groom, and the bride's mother will give you The Look.

Rule #6: Do not lie to the groom and tell him it's full moon. He will have a panic attack and scream, "Where the hell did Remus go?"

Rule #7: Do not perform the impediment jinx on your other best mate, convincing him to dance wildly with the bride's obviously annoyed sister.

Rule #8: Do not provoke the bride's sister's husband. Remember that he is much bigger than you are, and while you can perform magic, he can snap your wand in half. He doesn't hurt you or your wand because while he is bigger than you, you have a broomstick that you can fly off on. Still, don't do it.

Rule #9: Do not tell the maid of honour that she looks extremely hot tonight. She will slap you and say that just because she was the first girl you ever put to bed, that does not give you a right to flirt with her incessantly.

Rule #9a: Do not remind the maid of honour that it wasn't incessant flirting, it was one compliment. She will slap you and say it isn't a compliment to be called hot.

Rule #9b: Do not tell her that you intended hot to be a compliment. You will have a very sore cheek when the conversation ends.

Rule #10: Do not pop the tires of the bride's chosen honeymoon car. She will discover that it was you and will tell you that while she finds it rather sweet that you don't want them to leave, they need to "get a room, as you so crudely put it!" and go to "say… somewhere where I don't have to listen to your barking!"

Rule #11: Do not throw cake at the bride when she begins to chase you around the limo.

Rule #11a: Do not offer to lick the cake off of the bride.

Rule #11b: Do not let the groom overhear you offering to lick the cake off of the bride.

Rule #11c: Do not ever, ever forget that the bride and groom were at the top of the class and can literally hex your arse off.

Rule #12: Remember that these people are your friends, and so you should apologise for ruining their wedding.

Rule #12a: Find a napkin and write all of this down as your apology.

I hope you enjoyed this, seeing as I was a bit too broke to give you a real wedding present. I hope you guys have a long, happy life together. And seriously, Lily, I'm sorry about your dress. I hope the frosting comes out. And James, I'm sorry about that whole licking comment. I was out of line. But honestly, do you really think Lily would have let me lick her?

Anyhow… I have to go tell Mary I'm sorry as well. But she did look hot tonight…

Happy Wedding!

Love,

Sirius