Disclaimer: I own nothing
"talking"
'thinking'
sound effect
"kyuubi or inner personality talking"
'kyuubi or inner personality thinking'
[Konoha near naruto's apartment
It was a wonderful morning the birds were singing the sun was shinning and a general warm and welcoming atmosphere encompassed the village of konoha. Yes it was a great morning the only thing that could make it better in the villager's opinion is if the demon brat was still on his training trip instead of coming home last night a year early (well actually they would prefer him dead but beggars can't be choses). However we don't care about what the villagers think about the cuddly fox boy what we care about what the ear shattering scream coming form his bedroom is about.
Now there is something you need to know before you can fully appreciate the predicament of Naruto's current situation. See while Naruto isn't the sharpest kunai in the holster he at least got the basics at the academy from Iruka as the other teachers didn't wanna teach the kyuubi brat anything he could use against them later. However due a teachers hatred of Naruto and Iruka didn't cover or think to ask Naruto if he knew about the subject, there is one big hole in naruto's education and that is ……….. SEX ED…….. as in what happens during puberty and the changes and effects that will occur during this time. Also Naruto happens to be a late bloomer so naturally when he woke up to discover morning wood he freaks out.
[Naruto's apartment
As he woke up he felt a strange sensation in his crouch as if his pants felt too tight he looked to see a massive bulge in his pants "huh what the crap?" he reached down and lifted up the hem of his pyjama pants to see his pee pee (remember this is Naruto we're talking about he would call it that) standing tall and proud "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?" 'www wha wha what's wrong with raman-chan' (AGAIN THIS IS NARUTO) 'wait what do things being stiff and swollen usually mean come on I know this …….. wait!!!!'
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
RAMAN-CHAN DON'T DIE I'LL SAVE YOU!!!!!" "omg omg omg omg omg omg what am I going to do WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!" 'I don't know what to do I don't know how to do cpr or anything' "WAIT THAT'S IT OBAA CHAN WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO DON'T WORRY RAMAN CHAN HELP IS ON THE WAY" Naruto quickly changes in to his normal outfit (the second jump suit the orange and black one) and roof hops to the Hokage tower somewhat slower and more awkwardly the usual.
[Hokage tower
Naruto leapt through the open window to Tsunades office and turned to face her "OBA-CHAN OBA-CHAN SOMETHING'S TERRIBLY WRONG RAMAN-CHAN'S DEAD" "DON'T CALL ME OBA-CHAN BRAT!! Any way I'm sorry for your loss but it's a natural part of life eventually pets get old and die … funny I didn't even know you had a pet anyway your interrupting a mee…" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN PET HE'S NOT A PET AND IT'S NOT NATURAL HE'S ALL STIFF AND SWOLLEN HE'S AT LEAST TWICE HIS NORMAL SIZE QUICK GIVE HIM CPR OR SOMETHING YOU'RE THE MEDIC HELP HIM OBA-CHAN" he screamed as he opened the front of his pant's and pulled out raman-chan. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOooooo ………………………………………………." Tsunade couldn't help it her eyes had drifted on there on accord …. Honest……. anyway her eyes tripled in size and her jaw dropped cause in between naruto's legs he was PACKING I mean who expects a 14 year old to have a 16" long and 3" wide cock I mean IT'S A FUCKING KICK STAND FOR CHRIST SAKE!!!!!
Tsunade just stared for a while when someone behind Naruto screamed "WHAT DID YOU DO TO TSUNADE-SAMA NARUTO!!!!" see what Naruto didn't know when he leaped through the window was Tsunade was in the middle of the bimonthly (every two months) kunoichi only meeting basically they gather to discuss how to keep the males in line, gossip, talk about dateable men, how to ban icha icha paradise and how best to beat the shit out of Jiraiya and other perverts. Fortunately for Naruto he was facing Tsunade and all they could see was his back, when he turned his head and looked over his shoulder and saw almost all the kunoichi staring at him and Tsunade and it was Sakura who screamed at him he freaked out quickly stuffing raman-chan back and doing up his pant's with them not noticing he screamed "PERVERTS" and jumped back out the window and ran back home.
[Hyuga complex
Hinata had not had a good morning so far first her alarm didn't go off at the usual time meaning she was late for Naruto stalking …. I mean admiring from afar……. with Byukugan…….. in his house……… while he slept……… and woke up……… and had a shower………….anyway she was late however if she was quick enough she could still stalk….. I mean admire him a little before the kunoichi meeting today while only being a little late. However this was not to be as her father had different plans for her today. As she was walking towards the entrance of the hyuga complex a branch member stoped her "Hinata-sama your father has requested your presence in the training room immediately" Hinata internally growled this was cutting into her stal…. Admirer time but she went to the training room anyway.
Inside was her father, Hanabi, and the elders 'this can't be good' "ah Hinata your sister is going to fight you to be heir. You…. I mean the loser will be put into the branch house as soon as they recover from the fight. Do you understand me Hinata" "y y ye yes f f father. B b but I can't f f fight now I h h have a m m meeting w w with the h h hokage in…" she looked at the clock on the wall " f f five minutes I will b b be l l late as it is." "Are you questioning me girl I am the head of the clan and you will do what say understand!!" "b b but the hokage." "what about her!!!" "S s s she won't l l like m m me being late." " I don't care what she wants now you will…" one of the elders interrupted "let the girl go to her meeting it's not like it will help her or anything." "Fine but you will come straight here afterwards do you understand me!!" "y y y yes f f f father" and she scurried out of the room barley catching her sisters remark of "pathetic".
[Hokage tower Tsunade's office
Hinata was both scared and pissed at the same time she was scared because she was going to be put into the branch house and angry that she couldn't admire Naruto in the shower this morning after all it had been one and a half years he must be even bigger than before. She was interrupted from her thoughts as she heard a scream of "PERVERTS" from inside Tsunade's office it sounded suspiciously like Naruto but when she entered he was not to be found, however Tsunade looked very shocked with her eyes the size of plates and her mouth hanging open but she also had a blush and had a slight bit of drool coming from the corner of her mouth what had happened?
She saw Sakura waving her hand in front of Tsunades face so she asked her "S s S Sakura-chan ww w what happened t t to Tsunade-s s sama?" "I don't know Naruto was in here earlier and was screaming something about a raman-chan? Being dead and all stiff and swollen and being twice its normal size or something." Hinata immediately put two and two together ' OMFG SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!! WAIT SHE SAW NARUTO ERECT THAT BICTH I WAS TO BE THE FIRST!!!! WAIT I WOULD HAVE BEEN IF NOT FOR THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES AT HOME THEY WILL PAY FOR THIS OUTRAGE!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!'
"RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGHHHHHHH FATHER, HANABI YOU WIL PPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hinata than ran from the room back home. The rest of the kunoichi where cowering in fear huddle in little balls holding each other hoping Hinata wouldn't come back anytime soon.
[Hyuga complex
The door to the training room was kicked off its hinge's and Hinata stormed into the middle of the room "Let's start this fucking thing already!" Hiashi was shocked but started the match anyway "first to unconsciousness Begin!" no can really describe what happened next just that one second Hinata was in her starting position then the next she had her hand on the back of Hanabi's skull and was to slamming her face into the floor she pulled Hanabi's head back "WHY… DO…. YOU…… HAVE….. TO… BE….. SUCH…. A….. STUCK……. UP……… LITTLE……. BITCH… WHY….. CANT…… YOU…… JUST……. LEAVE….. ME…….. THE……. FUCK…… ALONE………. HUH!!?!?!" every word was punctuated with Hanabi's face being reintroduced to the floor the last time her face went through the floorboards.
The elders and Hiashi were both completely shocked and utterly terrified at the same time. Hiashi then made the biggest mistake he could've made at that point "HINATA LET GO OF YOU'RE SISTER NOW! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HEIR IF YOU HAVE TO RESORT TO BRUTISH WAYS OF FIGHTING AND CAN'T EVEN USE OUR SACRED TAIJUTSU!!!"
Hinata then looked at her father and then quite calmly and collectedly spoke "Father there were no rules in this fight just that one of us had to beat the other one unconscious now I am heir and hanabi is in the branch house do you have a problem with that!" "YES you're not worthy you have always been a failure and I will not have you as my hei……………." The rest of his words were cut of by Hinata's chakra encased foot connecting with his balls and lifting him four feet into the air. When Hiashi hit the floor Hinata started screaming at him "I'M THE FAILURE!………. I'M THE FAILURE!!!…………. YOU'RE THE FAILURE!………… YOU FAILED AS A FATHER!…….. YOU FAILED AS A HUSBAND!………. YOU FAILED AS A BROTHER!…... YOU FAILED AS AN UNCLE!……. AND IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU!……… I WOULD OF SEEN RAMAN-CHAN ERECT!!!!!!!!…….. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!…….." as with Hanabi the speech was punctuated the difference's this time however was Hinata was kicking him in the balls.
She then tuned to the elders "NOW ARE YOU GOING TO HONOUR THIS FIGHT OR DO YOU WANT SOME OF THIS!!!!" at the word this she kicked her father again. The elders being the very wise people the are (cough cough bullshitcough cough) immediately shook there heads and one of them said "Let us celebrate the continuance of the current heir Hinata" the elders then proceeded to flee the room as Hinata left the room she looked at her father and sister and uttered "Pathetic" Hanabi responded by bleeding some more Hiashi responded by whimpering some more.
[Tsunades office
Everyone was freaking out either about what Naruto did to the Hokage or about Hinata's ……. Episode…… or both it didn't really matter when Tsunade started to come out of her daze "ooooooing?" everyone turned to her with a questioning gaze it was Shizune who broke the silence "Tsunade-sama are you alright what did Naruto do to you? What did he show you?" "Show me? Naruto? It it it its coming bac…..OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!" Tsunade then opened her sake draw and downed one of the bottles. "omg….. OMG….OMG……omg……….OMFG………..omfg………..OMG…….OMFG!"
Every time she said this she took a swig of sake, naturally all the kunoichi were confused "Tsu Tsunade-sama wh what did he d d do?" "I SWEAR I SAW NOTHING! I SAW NOTHING!!!!" while saying this she was blushing furiously "….well maybe I saw a little of a lot…" she then got a little glassy eyed and started drooling 'I'll have to get him to stop calling me oba-chan' she then started giggling not unlike Jiraiya the kunoichi looked at each other and shuddered.
[Naruto's apartment
As he leapt through the window he noticed that raman-chan was back to normal "OH THANK GOD YOUR ALRIGHT RAMAN-CHAN I THOUGHT I"D LOST YOU!" GGGGGRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWLLLLL he grabbed his stomach "I guess you're hungry eh! Hhhmmmmmm TO ICHIRUKA RAMAN!!!(spelling?)" and with that he ran out of the apartment to the raman stand.
[Raman stand
"Hey old man, one large miso raman for your best costumer!" Naruto called out as he entered the raman stand. The old man looked up "Ha ha good to see you again Naruto, wasn't the same without you here scamming raman from people. HEY AYAME LOOK WHOS BACK" Ayame came in from out back "NARUTO-KUN" was screamed as she ran over and gave him a hug "my my Naruto-kun haven't you grown sine I last saw you." "Ayame-neechaaaaaannn stop it you're embarrassing meeeee." Naruto admitted with a blush "ha ha ha well anyway we missed you Naruto-kun it's been so quite with you gone." "aaaaawwwww thanks Ayame-neechan I missed you two as well" and so Naruto told the about his training trip while eating many a bowl of raman.
Just as Naruto's eleventh bowl hit the table Kakashi walked into the stand "ahhh Naruto it seems that you really are back in town after all." "Kakashi-sensei it's great to see you again" he called as he ran over and gave him a hug. Kakashi was more than a little confused sure Naruto was his student but they were never really close, so he couldn't understand why Naruto was hugging him "ano sa ano sa Kakashi-sensei can we go do some training pllllleeeeaasssseee." as he smiled brightly at Kakashi "uh sorry Naruto but I'm swamped with missions right now." Then he noticed the stacked raman bowls "wow Naruto it always amazes me how much raman you can put away"
"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!!!" Kakashi sweat dropped "I didn't say that Naruto." Naruto has tears gathering in the corner of his eyes "YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT YOUR THINKING IT AREN'T YOU! I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE MISSIONS TO GO ON YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME DO YOU!! SNIFF SNIFF Y Y YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU! YOU WISH I NEVER CAME BACK DON'T YOU!" WWWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA Naruto proceeded to break down crying.
Just as Kakashi tried to find out what the FUCK was wrong with Naruto the Jounin sensei's plus Anko came in "hey Kakashi we saw you come in and…" Asuma was cut off as a crying blond ran into Anko and started clinging on to her as he bawled his little blue eyes out (crying Naruto mental picture…….. sooooo KAWAI ssqquuuuuueeeee) to say they were shocked was an understatement is like saying Naruto thinks raman is okay. As Anko awkwardly tried to comfort Naruto Kurenai glared at Kakashi "WHAT DID YOU DO KAKASHI HOW COULD YOU MAKE HIM CRY THE DAY HE GETS BACK WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!" "I don't know what happened he just started screaming these things and started crying I swear I didn't do anything!!?"
[Tsunade's office
The kunoichi meeting had ended not too long ago early than expected due to Naruto's not so little interruption and she was now contemplating about what Naruto had just shown her and why he was here earlier than expected she was interrupted by a "Yo Tsunade-hime." "JIRAIYA! Why are you here so early?" Jiraiya scratched his head "Well I'm pretty sure Naruto has only now hit puberty." "THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE NARUTO'S REACHED PUBERTY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!?!?!?!" "WHAT!?! Its not my fault, I think the Kyuubi's affecting it and also I don't think anyone's given him the talk. You should here him talk in his sleep its scary"
End chap 1
Author's notes
Wow fist chap done I'm sooo proud any way thanks for reading my fic reviews welcome flame will be used to line kyuubi's litter box. For next chap how does kyuubi affect Naruto who will have to give Naruto the TALK who will see naruto's thing next find out In the next installment.
OMAKE (more like a little side story)
Why Orochimaru left the Akatsuki
[Akatsuki lounge
Itachi is sitting on the couch watching the TV when Orochimaru walks in "HA I'm so much more evil than you Itachi see I just got promoted and they gave me a congratulatory muffin. That means I'm better than you are." "no you're not" "…yes I am" sigh"You know when you brush your teeth and then drink orange juice then you get that funny taste in your mouth" "Augh I hate that" "I LOVE IT" gasp "Do you like puppies" "y yes" "I KICK THEM" GASP"and that muffin you eating" " gaspno" Itachi's face is covered in shadow and he grin's viciously "I dropped it on the floor" "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Orochimaru then ran from the room crying like a little girl, he left Akatsuki the next day.
OMAKE 2
The day Itachi stopped respecting Kisame
[Akatsuki lounge
Itachi is sitting in the lounge watching the TV "Today on animal planet! Considered the sea's most fearsome creature it is not uncommon for the shark to be over powered by it's friendliest, the dolphin" Itachi gets a mental picture of Kisame lying on the ground looking like this xx with Iruka standing triumphantly above him at this point Kisame walks in the room "I'VE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR YOU KISAME!!" "You've been watching the discovery channel again haven't you!"