Warning: This fic deal with very serious themes and if you can't handle that sort of thing then do not read this first chapter. It gets heavy and very real as some of these scenes have actually happened in my life. So please review and let me know what you think.

Chapter 1 Looking back

I never meant for any of this to happen, not one bit of it that had occurred in the past few years. It just came at me and I was powerless to control any of it.

I wasn't prepared to deal for any of this. Not the stuff that happened as a result of my own choices and I certainly didn't ask for what had happened to me that night a long time ago. But like that cold night, I didn't see the rest of it coming and once it came to pass, I had no choice but to pick myself up and attempt to get on with my life. I didn't want it to be that way, no one would want that. No one should have to deal with this kind of pain, but I was dealing with it in the only way I knew how. The day I was faced with the fight or flight response, I chose to flee like a coward and I never looked back. The result of my choice shook up my family dynamic in ways that I never thought would still be in effect today. I knew why I made the choice I did but they didn't and I was unwilling to let them in on the truth. And that was the catalyst that brought us to the state of mind we were all in today. Looking back at it now, I wasn't sure I would have made the same choice if I could go back to that point in time. But life never allows you to go back, it just shoves you forward even when you're terrified of what lies ahead.

I was sitting outside my house tonight thinking about all of the crap I had endured in the past few years and just like every time I did this, I found myself curling up in my chair with my legs pulled up to my chest like I was trying to hold myself together. This wasn't the first time I felt the urge to fall apart and it wouldn't be the last time either. I would struggle with this for the rest of my life. Sure it might eventually become a distant memory that I stopped reliving so often, but right now I was stuck with it. It was attached to me as securely as my skin was and I just couldn't see a way to shrug it off. I had been searching for a way to do that since the night it happened. Since I chose to leave my family behind and move ahead alone. I had never felt such loneliness before in my life and partially it was due to my decision to remain silent. I hadn't spoken about it to any one and no one suspected a thing. I was that good at hiding a part of myself.

Perhaps that was why my decision rocked my family so hard.

"Savannah Lillian McMahon, are you out of your ever loving mind?" My father's booming voice caught me off guard so much that I nearly fell out of the seat I was in on the other side of his desk. I had to catch myself before I actually slid down onto the dark gray carpet and when I was back to sitting up straight and saw my father's face, I should have just fell to the floor. I had never seen him so livid and pissed as he was at this very moment. And I knew I shouldn't have been surprised that he was reacting like this, he of all people was going to take this completely wrong and totally personally even more so then Shane and Stephanie and our mother. They all would freak out, but my father especially would take it hard. I watched him grip the edges of his desk while the other employees left the room as quickly as they could without actually breaking into a run, they knew this was no longer a business meeting as much as it was now a family matter. And once we were officially alone, my dad turned his wide angry eyes on me. "Did I actually hear you right, just now?"

"Yes you did. But if you need me to say it again for it to sink in then I will." I told him when I had the courage to maintain eye contact with him despite the intensity of his glare. I knew telling my father was going to be the toughest part of all of this because he would take it as some kind of personal blow to his ego, so I was trying to prepare myself for the inevitable flare up that would come. "I decided I want to end my contract here at WWE and go wrestle for TNA."

"You can't possibly be serious. TNA is a piece of shit wrestling company. Why in the hell would you want to leave the glamorous life you have here to go work for the enemy?" He demanded, his eyes narrowing into tiny slits when he was really mad at me. Not that I could blame him for being mad. After all, not only had I blindsided him when I said I was leaving the family business but I had taken it up a notch when I threw in that I was defecting to our biggest rivals. He wouldn't have gotten so worked up if I was leaving the business all together for something else. But the fact that I was breaking my current contract out of the blue to jump ship to another company that had grabbed up all our former disgruntled employees was not going to make Vince McMahon a happy camper. He leaned forward to stare at me. "You could have everything you want if you stay here, all you have to do is say the word. What the hell can TNA offer you?"

"That's for me to find out when I get there." I explained, hating myself for the rage I was putting my father through. I had always been the rebellious one out of my siblings, always the one to cause so much grief and anxiety for my parents when I was growing up. But once I hit 18 and went to college and began my wrestling training, things had calmed down and I knew my parents were sure this was the end of my antics. At least until now and I could see the old flame of frustration rising up in his eyes but this was not some teenage act of rebelling, I was 22 years old and had been making my own decisions for a while now. But choosing to separate myself like this was the ultimate act of displeasure to my parents. And it was my dad that was going to take it personally. I ran my fingers through my long blonde hair, amazed that I was the only one of us who had gotten my mom's hair color before I looked at my dad and soon to be former boss. "Dad please don't take this as some kind of personal attack on you or the company. This has nothing to do with you. This is about me."

"How can you tell me not to take it personally when you are turning your back on the company our family has built all these years? This has always been something we all shared together, and now you're just suddenly wiping your hands clean of us? That sounds personal to me." My father slammed his fist on his desk top, rattling the stack of papers he had been looking over when I came in to break the news and I was surprised when they did not scatter. But I guess my father did not feel like dealing with another mess right now. "You would abandon your family and our company for the enemy? You couldn't possibly think I would support this Savannah."

"I wasn't expecting you to, I was expecting you to support me in general. But I guess it was just wishful thinking." I said quietly to myself. I knew I was probably making irreversible mistakes that would come to light some time down the road. But here and now it seemed like the path I needed to go on. I couldn't stay here, that was just not an option. But I couldn't just take off without making things somewhat easier on my family. "Dad look, me leaving the WWE doesn't mean I'm leaving the family. You're not losing me..."

"It seems like I already have." He snapped, his eyes never leaving mine as his hands reached into a nearby desk and yanked out a file that I could tell was my own. He flipped it open and paper clipped to the inside was my current contract, a contract that most wrestlers and divas would kill for and here I was just walking away from it. He tapped it harshly with his fingertips before saying. "You signed this contract only a few months ago, you were supposed to start on RAW next week and now you're telling me you're refusing to go along with it. Well that's just fucking perfect."

"Dad please, this isn't easy for me to..." I wanted to apologize, to explain why I was doing this but I couldn't. Telling the truth would ruin everything and in my own way, withholding the truth was protecting him and everything he had going for him right now. "Let's just..."

"You may be a McMahon but I am holding you to the same repercussions as every other employee. You want to leave? That's fine, but I am holding you to the same 90 day no compete clause as everyone else. You will not be signing yourself over to TNA for the next 3 months." He told me in the same sort of tone he would use when talking to one of the other wrestlers. I knew he was unhappy but I was his daughter, I thought that would count for something. But I had wounded him with this choice and nothing I said was going to fix it. I couldn't take back my decision, I refused to remain here. But I guess I still thought I would have my father on my side despite this slap in the face I just gave him. But I was just about to find out how not on my side he was. He slammed my file shut and sat back with his hands gripping the chair arms. "You can go now."

"Dad, don't dismiss me like that." I protested, frowning at the way he was looking right through me like I wasn't even there to begin with. I hadn't been perfect growing up but he had never looked at me the way he was now. I stood up, debating whether or not to walk around the desk to him. "Please let's just talk about it..."

"Get out. Now. I do not want to see you. You want out of the WWE? Then consider yourself out of the family as well..."

Yea, it went there all right. Leaving the family business meant I was done with the family itself. At least to him it was. He treasured the company like it was a child to him and me, his actual child, deciding to leave it was like an attack to him. So he cast me out in response and I don't think he ever once regretted his choice.

That was 2 years ago and I haven't spoken to him since then.

It wasn't just him who felt that way, it was the rest of my family too. My mom was devastated to learn of how the conversation had gone but when she found out the reason behind it, she stood by my father as she too felt the same about the company. Sure she was much more level headed then my dad was, but she was still fiercely protective of the WWE and the news of me leaving had cut her just as deep. My brother and sister took the news just as badly as our parents did. They just couldn't understand why I would want to leave the life I had built for myself there in the WWE where I could make a name for myself fast and get paid the most there then in any other company in the world. They didn't get how I could just not want to use the family name to get what I wanted for myself and use the connections we had to do whatever I wished to do. They had no problem doing it and I wouldn't have had a problem with it either. When you had those kind of opportunities, you took advantage of them. That's what Shane and Stephanie did and they had carved out very nice lives for themselves. It was just crazy to them for me not to follow in their footsteps. To them it was like I was saying that I wanted nothing to do with our family by making the choice to go to TNA and when my father outcast me from the family, they didn't offer up any resistance and I didn't give them any explanation. I just packed my things and left our childhood home to head to Orlando and I never looked back.

Every holiday it was more apparent then at any other time what I had lost. Sure I thought about it nearly every day but at Thanksgiving and Christmas and all those birthdays that I should have been with my family, it just came at me stronger then ever. I was a stranger to them now, forced to stand back and watch from the sidelines as their lives went on and changed. Shane and Stephanie had spouses and now children that I would have been spoiling had I been there with them. But I wasn't. I wasn't allowed to be part of any of that when I headed off to Florida. I had made my choice just like they made theirs.

And there would be no turning back. Not ever.

"I'm sorry, I must have been zoning out. But did I really just hear you correctly?" Dixie Carter's face showed the extent of her confusion as well as her disbelief at the statement I had just made and she turned to look at Jeff Jarrett to see if he had heard the same thing as her. His face bore the same expression as he too looked at me like he was thinking this was all some kind of big elaborate joke. But I was completely serious now just like I had been when I walked into the main office earlier today. I looked back at Jeff, seeing the frown littering his face and I knew he had been thinking that when I came here it was just for a visit to see some old friends. I don't think he was expecting what was coming out of my mouth. I had known Jeff for most of my life from when he had been apart of WWE and I had always looked at him as a second father even when he left the company to start his own. But even he looked unsure when I had asked to speak to both him and Dixie together today. And once I had told them the reason I came here, neither of them quite knew how to react. Especially Dixie. "Are you being completely serious with me right now?"

"Yea I am. I told my father I wanted out of my WWE contract and that I was planning to come here to work if you would have me." I repeated my words from just a second ago and just like the first time, it got the same reaction. Wide eyes, jaws fallen open, complete and utter disbelief. I didn't need to be a mind reader to know what their thought process was right now. "I know this seems crazy and..."

"Crazy? Uh, I would say that's the exact word to use in this situation." Jeff pointed out, the first of them to regain composure enough to sit back and change expressions. "I mean, you're a McMahon and everyone kind of figured you would be wrestling in WWE when you started your training. Not to put TNA down in any way but we're just not on the same level just yet. So why would the daughter of Vince McMahon leave an established company and the family business which had already guaranteed her a contract that paid more then three of our contracts combined, to come to the rival company? That's what I don't understand about this whole thing."

"It was just time for me to strike out on my own. And do something separate from my family. They all followed in each others footsteps and it just didn't feel right for me." I told them, leaving out the part I kept hidden for myself and myself only. Jeff didn't need to know about that or else he would go ballistic and probably go haul ass to my father's house to yell at him. Despite the tension he had with my father as most of the ex WWE wrestlers did, Jeff and I had always gotten along and he had always been there for me when I needed him. And I needed him now, but I couldn't really say the reason why I needed to be here and not in my family's company. So I would have to tell a small falsehood. "I needed to kind of do things on my own. I didn't want to move up in the ranks because of my last name. You know that people would think I only got places because my family ran the company. No one would take me seriously or my skills seriously. They would just see a McMahon was wrestling and assume I got there based on my connections. And it's not fair. I want to have to work for my success and not have it handed to me."

"Oh I bet Vince loved hearing that." Jeff almost smirked, always being the one to never hold back on what he thought about my father. Those two had always busted heads when they worked together. "How did he take it when you told him?"

"As well as he takes anything of that matter when the name TNA is attached to it. And by that, I mean not well at all. He and my mom and Shane and Steph kind of ostracized me from the family." I admitted with a wrinkle of my nose, looking at the surprise on both their faces. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me now that they knew I had no family around me anymore and I was basically starting off from scratch. I just shrugged like it was no big deal, after all I had been through much worse things then this. "They see this as some kind of personal attack on them and essentially told me they wanted nothing to do with me. So I packed up and left."

"I'm so sorry. I know Vince is a tough man to deal with but I never imagined he would do something like this." Dixie reached out and pat my hand in a very motherly way which I appreciated but Jeff and I shared similar looks that said she obviously didn't know my father's true nature because this was exactly something he would do. She looked at Jeff and clasped her hands together. "Well, I have to say I'm still a little wary of hiring a McMahon to join the company. I mean, I worry that there could be very serious legal ramifications..."

"There's no need to worry about that." I automatically cut in, trying to be respectful despite the interruption but I had to get this point in. If there was one thing my father pushed heavily on us it was to never try and pull a fast one when there was legal paperwork involved. "I have the same 90 day no compete clause as everyone else in the company and after that I am free to sign anywhere I want. If they find out about this meeting they cant prove anything because I have plenty of friends here that I could just say I was visiting and they couldn't prove anything."

"That's true. Although knowing your father, he would find some way to cause trouble for us." Jeff nodded with a sigh but there was a slight sparkle in his eyes that said he almost enjoyed the idea of doing something to piss off my father. He had always been the one for pushing the envelope. And as he shared a look with Dixie, I knew this would go in my favor. "I'll tell you what we'll do. We're going to speak to the rest of the staff and see what they think. And if we can figure something out, then we'll have a contract drawn up for you. How does that sound?"

"Absolutely perfect...Boss."

And it did end up happening just like I thought it would. There wasn't really much doubt that it wouldn't, but sometimes you just couldn't tell with these things.

Sure the idea of pissing off my father and gaining me for their women's division had it's perks but also it would invite trouble on some level because not only were they taking away a female wrestler from WWE but I was also the daughter of Vince McMahon. That sort of thing was going to gain a lot of attention when it was officially announced. So I could understand their slight hesitance on not getting in touch with me right away. They didn't want to risk giving my father's lawyers anything to use against them in court so they didn't contact me until the last day of my 90 day no compete clause was up. Jeff had assured me that a contract was going to be issued but they had to be absolutely careful when proceeding with this kind of thing. If any kind of news broke about negotiations between me and TNA before the clause was up then they could find themselves slapped with a lawsuit and they just couldn't deal with that now, not against my father. And he would do that just because he was angry and bitter.

So I waited and waited for 3 long months until the day I was finally free and then I finally got the official call that I had a contract waiting to be signed by me at the arena. I had been so thrilled that I ran out of my hotel room that I had been renting down here and went right to the arena to sign it. I had even hugged Jeff and Dixie after it was official and I could tell that they were taken aback by my sudden reaction but I was too happy to care. How could I not be? Everything had been riding on this one moment and if it hadn't worked out then all the pain and anger my family had been in would have been for nothing. But it did work out and now I was officially part of the TNA family.

I could finally start the new life I wanted and leave the bad memories behind.

"Ok, that is the last of it..."The disgruntled voice of one of my best friends Chris Sabin came clear through the front door of my house as he dropped a heavy box of linens on the floor of the hallway and kicked the door shut behind him with a heavy groan before he shot a look at me. "Remind me again why I agreed to help you move your stuff?"

"Because you love me to pieces and you know I would pout and pretend to cry if you refused me." I replied, reaching out to tug on his shirt as I moved passed him with my own box that needed to be placed in the living room. I couldn't stop smiling despite his complaints because this day was a major step in my new life. After I had signed my TNA contract I had gone house hunting since the company was based out of Florida and I needed a permanent residence here and luckily I had found this beautiful 2 story house with an in ground pool, 5 bedrooms, a finished basement, huge kitchen and bar, and set on a property that had plenty of space in all directions. It was perfect. And the only thing left to do was to move all my things in, hence why I had recruited Chris's help. He and I had been friends long before I decided to come to TNA and he had been glad to help in the beginning. But when he saw how much stuff I had brought with me along with the furniture I had bought, he had been less then thrilled. I set my box down and grinned. "Besides, I'm your best friend."

"No, actually I'm his best friend. You're just the eye candy in this group." The teasing voice of one Alex Shelley came at us right then as he appeared in the doorway of the living room and wiped the sweat off his brow with a flourish. And just like it always did, my heart pounded hard when I laid eyes on him. He just looked so cute with that messy dark hair and his black t shirt that he always seemed to wear despite the heat in this state. It would be an understatement to say I was attracted to him, just like it would be just as much of an understatement to say he was attracted to me. He had made his interest in me clear on more then one occasion during the course of our friendship but nothing had really been done about it. We both just never had the time to actually sit down and talk about it due to how busy we were. But it was miracle that I could even summon the courage to feel that way for a man after what had happened to me. Alex walked into the room and made his point when as he was passing behind me, he slapped me on the ass before smirking. "See? Would I do that if you weren't just the eye candy?"

"Hey you use to say the same thing to me all the time." Chris yelled out in mock offense but he was never good at keeping a straight face and it soon faltered into a fit of laughter as it always did between the three of us. I had met Alex and Chris at the same time years ago at an Indy show I had been at and over time we had all grown close. Of course I wasn't sure about how well I would fit in considering these two had been friends forever. But to my surprise and theirs, I found a natural fit between these crazy best friends and we had been in close contact over the years. They had been the first people I told about my plans after I told my family and to say they were thrilled would be yet another understatement. I was happy with them and I knew life would be good now even with the losses I suffered. Chris crossed his arms with a roll of his eyes. "Well now that everything is inside, can I finally leave and go do my own thing?"

"You mean you don't want to help me unpack?" I asked, watching the look of horror pass over Chris's face before he hauled some serious ass to the door and left without saying good bye. I shrugged a little and glanced over at Alex who was now sprawled out on my couch and I couldn't help but smile. "Comfortable?"

"Absolutely, you should come down here and experience it for yourself." He replied, patting the space next to him with a small smirk that semi hinted that he was thinking of something possibly naughty. I was surprised by how this made my heart flutter, but then again everything he did made me mushy and now was no exception. So I dropped down onto the spot next to him and didn't even mind when he snaked his arm around me to pull me closer to his side. He and I had always been very affectionate even though we had never taken that next step. He propped his elbow up on the arm of the couch and turned his face in my direction and there was a genuine smile there. "You happy?"

"Yea, I think I am." I agree, feeling my own smile take over as I looked at him. It was amazing even to me that I could actually say those words after everything that had happened. But it was true, I was happy. I hadn't wanted to be one of those girls who shut out ever being happy again when something horrible happens to them. And luckily that hadn't happened. It didn't mean I had completely forgotten that night because there was no way that would ever happen, but I didn't let it rule my life. I wanted to enjoy this time, I was young with a new job and I just moved into my first house. I was going to enjoy my life damn it! I focused on Alex's face again and grinned. "And your presence helps a little bit."

"Just a little bit? That kind of hurts. I thought you liked me more then that." Alex pretended to look hurt but I knew he really wasn't judging by the twinkle in his eyes. This was exactly why I loved being around him, he always turned everything into a joke and made me laugh. I was so glad to have him in my life and I hoped he was always going to be there. "Would you hate me if I said I was thinking of doing something to make you even happier?"

"As long as it doesn't involve another food fight like last time then no I won't hate you." I replied, tucking back my blonde hair as I remembered the last time he said this. He had wanted to make me laugh and his idea of doing that mean throwing a pancake in my face followed by a plate of bacon. And while it was funny and served its purpose, it meant a huge clean up for us. And considering I just moved in today, I would like to keep my house clean for at least a full 24 hours. "Will I like this thing you're about to do?"

"I can say with complete certainty that you will. You've been wanting it forever..." He told me with a devious smile on his lips before he took a chance and pressed his mouth against mine, both surprising me and thrilling me with our first kiss. But I was not so surprised that I couldn't respond, because I certainly responded. He was right, I had been wanting him to kiss me for a long time now and now that he was, I felt my heart take off like a race horse as he ran his hand down my arm and sucked on my bottom lip like it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. I had fantasized what it would feel like to kiss Alex but the fantasy did not live up to the reality I was experiencing. It was like his mouth was fashioned to perfectly fit mine and add in his tongue and I was practically flying. By the time I pulled back from him I was breathless and my cheeks were heating up. Alex on the other hand looked thrilled, pleased and about a bunch of other things I couldn't decipher at the moment. He went back to sitting with his elbow on the couch arm and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Still happy? Or are you ready to punch me?"

"No, I think that kiss saved you from me..."

Things changed with us after that afternoon as it always did when two people shared their first kiss. But luckily for us it wasn't a bad change at all. In fact it was probably the best thing to happen because it brought us even closer together then before. Sure we still acted like complete idiots around each other and with Chris which I liked because I didn't want things to change so drastically. But when Chris left and it was just Alex and I, I saw a whole different side of him that I really really liked. He had always been sweet and kind to me, but when we took that next step he just became this total sweetheart that I couldn't get enough of. He was filling a void inside my self that I had been struggling to fill for years at this point and having him with me was exactly what I needed. It didn't mean that everything was perfect, because it certainly wasn't. We still fought and argued the same amount of times we did when we were just friends but I never really expected that to change. Besides, it was normal to argue and although I hated it, we always got over it and moved on.

I wasn't sure where we were going to go but I knew that even if things didn't work out in the romance department, that we still cherished our friendship enough to not let it be destroyed. And I hoped it would always be like that.

"So I have something I've been wanting to ask you for a long time now and I just never really had the guts until now." Alex confessed to me one night as we laid together in my bed after making love and were trying to fall asleep but it seemed like he had too much on his mind to even try to sleep. And it made me so curious as to what he could possibly be thinking about that I rolled over on my side and tucked the sheets around my body. He was already laying there with his chin in his hand and his lips pressed together into a tight firm line that said for once he was being serious. "It's kind of a touchy subject for you."

"Oh boy that means it has something to do with my family." I could already feel the blood starting to boil once I guessed the reason behind his serious expression and I fell back against the pillows with my arms over my eyes. "Do we have to talk about this?"

"We don't have to, but I think we should." Alex pushed the subject further, grabbing my wrist and pulling it down so he could see my face. "We've been friends for years and we've been sleeping together for close to half a year. I think that implies some sort of connection between us where you can talk to me about your family. But I can only count on one hand the amount of times you've mentioned them and it was mostly just in passing."

"Alex you know the story about what happened with them, it was all over the internet once it leaked that I was signing with TNA. And I told you that we had a falling out when I quit WWE. So I guess I don't really see what there is to talk about." I sat up then, pulling the sheets around me when the topic of my family came up. I hadn't really spoken about them in months and Jeff and Dixie were really good about not bringing it up at work. And most of the time Alex and Chris didn't bring it up either. But now here it was coming out of Alex's mouth and I had to question why. "Why all of a sudden do you want to talk about this?"

"I don't know, maybe because its because we just came back from visiting with my parents and it got me thinking how you don't have contact with yours." He shrugged, looking adorable to the point where I almost forgot my resentment for him bringing up the topic in the first place. And I guess it was only natural for him to think about it. He had taken me back to his childhood home to meet his parents. It was nothing serious or meant anything too heavy, he just wanted me to meet them and I was glad I did. They loved me and I loved them. I saw just where Alex got his sense of humor from in his dad as well as his occasionally bouts of sweetness from his mom. It was so sweet to be there with him in his house and see what a normal family looked like nowadays. So I could kind of see where his thought process had originated from. He ran his fingers along my bare arm before saying. "Look I'm sorry I brought it up, I didn't mean to upset you. I just felt bad that you're not on good terms with your family like I am."

"I know you didn't mean anything by it, you were just trying to be sweet and I sort of jumped all over you." I cringed at how defensive I had sounded and I reached out to ruffle his hair in between my fingers and I sighed. "Look, I don't talk about my family because its hard for me. Mostly because I know nothing will change..."

"Have you even tried to patch things up with them?" He cut in, sitting up beside me and took my hand in his. "Or explained to them why you wanted to leave your family's company so badly?"

"I tried that when I told my father and he just couldn't accept it. That's how he is and once he is offended, even when its not intentional, there is really no fixing it." I explained with a shrug, feeling the sting that always came when we veered too close to the real truth. Alex had no idea what I kept hidden deep inside me and I had no intention of ever letting him find out. Or anyone else. No, this was something that only I knew about and the other person involved as well but I tried not to ever think of him. I pushed those dark cloudy thoughts away and looked at Alex with a sort of half grin. "It's ok, I'm not sad about it anymore. It is what it is and all I can do is just move on. I have my family in my friends down here in TNA and that's enough for me."

"But you know if you ever needed to talk about it, you can talk to me. I would always listen to you." He said earnestly, pushing back a stray piece of hair that had escaped from behind my ear and smiled. "You know I love..."

"Ok stop it right there. Do not say you love me. You know we have rules about that." I reminded him, pushing at his shoulder to back up my point and I watched him roll his eyes and fall back against the headboard with his hands in his lap. I knew he hated it when I cut him off like this but it was for the best right now. "When we started sleeping together,we agreed that it would not lead to saying 'I love you' and..."

"Actually I never agreed to it. It was you who said that was how it should be for some reason and I just let you call the shots. I never took that rule seriously." He retorted, flipping his hair back from his forehead with his fingers while bringing his legs up to his chest and staring at me with those wonderfully intense eyes of his. "I don't know why you are so against letting me say how I feel about you when its so clear we both feel that way. But I won't fight you on this. You women have a weird reason for all the crazy shit you do."

"Yes we do,but don't worry about it. One day I will let this go and things will be more normal between us." I assured him, not knowing when that day would come but I knew it wasn't going to be in the near future. I grabbed his face between my hands so our eyes met. "I promise you it will happen. You deserve that."

"So do you..."

Alex and I never really discussed it after that. We hung out, worked together, had sex and spent the night at my house, all normal things that couples do but we were far from normal and that was due in large part to me. It wasn't just the fact that I wouldn't let him tell me he loved me, it was also because he had been putting pressure on me to put a label on what we were to each other. People within TNA knew he and I were involved but whenever we were together he always asked me to make it official by allowing him to call me his girlfriend. But I said no each and every time. It wasn't that I didn't want to be known that way or that I didn't care about him. But the idea of having that tie to someone verbally was sort of terrifying to me. And it didn't make sense to either of us since we acted like a couple all the time and yet I refused to actually say the words that would make it official. I knew it frustrated Alex sometimes when I got stubborn about it, but he always came to the same conclusion that it was better to just not push me on it because he still had me and a label wasn't important. But I knew eventually I would have to give him what he wanted.

I just didn't know when I was going to be able to do that.

"Savannah? Are you even listening to me right now?" Chris's semi annoyed voice broke through my haze of thoughts and forced me to climb out of my own head just so I could focus on his face for the first time since he had started talking. I was almost annoyed myself that he had interrupted the haze I was in. I had just been getting use to the darkness when he began begging for my focus. Once he knew he had my attention, he went on. "What is with you? You've been acting spacey all day."

"Yea, what's going on with you babe?" Alex asked me as he reached for my hand and squeezed my fingers as if to make sure I wouldn't go off in a day dream again. "You've been off this whole time."

"I'm sorry, its just one of those times when my head is just too full of things. Plus I didn't get any sleep last night." I told them, sending Alex a wink that made him almost blush in my attempt to keep things light. I didn't want to voice the things I had been reliving in my head, I wanted them to stay in my head and not come out into this world. I squeezed his hand just to appease him and said. "But I'm fine. Go on with whatever it was you were talking about..."

"Thanks, I think I will." Chris nodded triumphantly as he turned back to Alex to talk to since he knew I would most likely let my attention wander and he was right. Once he and Alex were off talking about sports or cars or whatever it was, I took a moment to step over to the railing of the bridge we had been walking on and allowed my eyes to go across the water towards the sun setting on the horizon. The colors splattered across the sky reminded me of the one other time I had watched the sun set and I was surprised at how quickly the memories started rolling once I let that fact in.

It had been the night after it happened.

I had spent the night in the corner of my shower, under the water that had started out hot but had since run cold. I had wanted to clean every inch of my skin possible to rid myself of the feel of him on me. But once I had started, I quickly grew tired and just sat there squeezing the red loofah in my hand watching the water swirl down the drain. I don't know how I stayed up all night without falling asleep on the shower floor but that's how it had happened. And when I finally had the energy to crawl out of the shower and pull new clothes on my body that weren't torn and in tatters and went right to bed. I had woken up late in the afternoon, my hair having dried funny from sleeping on it wet and I went over to the doors that led out to the balcony of my hotel room. I spent the next hour just sitting there watching the sky change colors until the sun disappeared and the sky was now black and scary. I missed the sun and the light, the light was safe. The night, not so much. I slept with every light on in my hotel room that night. I haven't done that since I was a child and thought there were monsters roaming around and stalking people in the night. I was an adult now, there were no monsters hiding under my bed.

Just the monster that stalked me in my head, the monster that controlled that dark memory.

"Are you sure you're ok?" It was Alex's voice that pulled me out this time. I turned my head and found him leaning on the railing next to me with a slightly crooked frown on his face. I felt his hand brush against my arm and his touch felt cold. Once the memory wore off everything would be warm again. "You look distracted."

"Not distracted, just pondering..."

I had a lot of moments like this with Alex. We would be together and he would catch my eyes clouding over and he knew I was thinking about something serious. Sometimes he called me on it and other times he just let me be. I knew he was formulating his own ideas about what it was that I was thinking about and after I overheard a conversation between him and Chris, it was obvious Alex thought my sometimes short attention span was due to me thinking of my old life. He even said it to me once that he thought I was thinking about the WWE and my life that had been wrapped around it for so long and how I must be missing it. He was partially right about some of it. I did miss the people and the crew and the large crowds, and of course my family. But I couldn't be more relieved that I didn't have to be in those arenas anymore where at any minute I could turn a corner and the monster who had haunted me would appear. The relief I got from knowing I wouldn't have to ever be in a place that could put me in contact with that monster was so strong that it almost over took the pain I felt of not seeing my family every single day. Yes I missed it all and yes I wanted it all to be back to normal the way it use to be but that would involve going back and I couldn't do that. I had to keep moving forward and leave it behind, because the alternative of possibly seeing his face again was just not an option.

Because I refuse to be the girl in the horror movie that runs upstairs when the audience knows the stalker/killer is in the attic. I prefer to put as much distance between him and I as I could get. And if that meant losing my family so I could stay sane, then so be it.

"Why would I do this? Have I sunk so low that this is what I resort to?" I asked my reflection as I stood near the counter in my bathroom, staring straight into my own eyes as a droplet of blood rolled down the side of my wrist and fell into the sink. My other hand was shaky, holding the razor with trembling fingers that had caused the messy cut in the first place. I didn't think I would actually do it, I just felt the pull to do it not the urge. But before I could definitively talk myself out of it, I found the silver edge of the razor digging into the skin above my wrist and drawing a jagged line across it. It stung and bubbled with blood but it did not make me feel the release I thought I was going to feel.

I had always read that when people turned to self mutilation there was always some kind of relief from it or at least a gratification. But there wasn't even that. I drew the razor across my arm in a different way, hoping that the second time around it would make me feel something. But all I felt was pain and I had already felt enough pain in my life, I did not need to add more. I tossed the razor into the trash can by the toilet and reached for a washcloth to press over my arm to stop the bleeding so I could put bandages on my cuts. It wouldn't take long. They weren't deep and they were about as severe as the cuts I would get working in the yard. No one suspected a thing...

And no one had thought anything of it, not even Alex who seemed to notice every thing about me. He did see the bandages and questioned what I had done to myself and because I didn't want him to worry, I lied and said I fell in the bushes in front of my house when I trying to do yard work. That explanation brought on a lot of laughter and teasing from him about how I should never be doing yard work and then he eventually let it go. He honestly never even gave the truth a single thought but then again according to him, I never lied to him so he wouldn't think I was misleading him about this. After that day, he told me to leave the work in the yard to him and I had taken him up on that offer, content to just let the matter go away.

I hadn't cut since that first time and I had no intention of ever doing it again. They say that once you're a cutter, you're always a cutter and I won't deny to myself that what I had done had been stupid and dangerous. And I knew I would never have the desire to even try that again. I don't know what was different about that time then all the other times that pushed me to that point but I would never allow myself to reach it again. And sometimes I was reminded of that when I was looking at my arm and could still faintly see the scars if I squinted hard enough. They were going to be constant reminders of how close I had been to the edge and seeing them was going to pull me back if I ever got into that dark place ever again.

But like a lot of things, I refused to go back. I was going to keep shoving myself forward until I hit a brick wall and was forced to talk about it.

I came out of my trip down memory lane at the sound of Alex's car coming down my driveway and I immediately sat up and headed back into the house. I didn't want him to see me sitting there with what I knew was a weird look on my face and have him question me incessantly about it. Alex loved me and would pester me to no end to figure out what was wrong with me and I did not want to give him a reason to start tonight. I just did not have the energy to fight back against him right now. My walls were down from all that reliving and if he tried to worm his way into the truth, then I might end up letting the truth spill out about what happened that night and I could not let that happen. I would put up a normal face and act the same until it started feeling real tomorrow. These moods of mine never lasted that long which I was grateful for. All I had to do was get through tonight and things would be alright tomorrow. Alex always managed to pick up my spirits even without knowing it.

But he can never know the truth, not ever. If he knew what happened to me, he would run away for the hills-no, the mountains if he knew the truth. Alex was the best thing that happened to me since everything spiraled out of control and I couldn't lose him over this dark, twisted memory or have anything change between us. As long as I kept it locked away, then it could never damage me or any one else I loved.

"Hey babe, how was your night?" Alex came right over to me when he walked in the door and dropped his gym bag on the floor and planted a kiss on my lips before I could even formulate a response or even smile. However when he pulled back from me, I felt the grin spreading across my face and I felt the same flush of gratitude I always felt when we were together. Alex's good mood was just infectious and I actually found myself feeling lifted up from where I had been just moments before. He ran his fingers through his short dark hair with a grin of his own. "I didn't tell you the good news. Remember that meeting I had with Jeff and Dixie? Well it was to offer me a contract for the next 3 years."

"Alex that's great. I'm so happy for you." I exclaimed, reaching out to wrap my arms around his middle and squeezed him hard. He had worked so hard to stay in this company and he deserved to have a long term contract like that. I looked up at his face and felt my own heart swell with pride for him. "We should go out to celebrate or something."

"Funny you say that because I was just talking to Chris before I came here and said we should meet up at the bar for drinks. Is that cool?" He asked me, looking so happy and eager that I couldn't refuse him and besides Chris was part of our group too and we should all be celebrating together. So I nodded and Alex grinned like a child, pressing his lips against mine before grabbing his bag and backing away to the stairs. "I'm just going to jump in the shower first and then we can go. Man I love my life."

I watched with a smile as he ran upstairs, as giddy as a kid on Christmas before the sound of the door slammed shut and my face dropped slightly. He was happy tonight, and most of the time it was the same thing. So how could I ever think of telling him what happened to me? It would ruin everything and destroy the cozy little bubble we were living in right now. He would never look at me the same way again, he would always just see this secret instead of me. Things were fine with us and work and even with me personally. I wasn't having nightmares, this memory wasn't affecting my performance in my matches, I didn't act odd and no one thought or suspected there was anything wrong. Life was normal and in some ways perfect for me after all I had gone through. There was really no need to dig up the past and bring it back into my life. Not when it would have an affect on the people around me, mainly Chris and Alex. They were the closest thing I had to family down here and if they knew then it could put some kind of wedge between us and I didn't want that. And Alex would freak the hell out. All he would see when he looked at me, or the first thing that would pass through his mind when he thought of me, would be this secret. I didn't want him to look at me like that. I wanted things the way they were. I wanted to fill my life with good things to replace the bad things and I was doing that. I wasn't going to blow it all to hell by giving away my secret. I refused to let that monster re-enter my life and mess it up again. It was why I had left WWE in the first place, so I wouldn't have to look back over my shoulder all the time. I was determined to leave it in the dust and I was well on my way to doing that. It just was based on my ability to keep silent about that night.

No one could ever know my secret.

No one could ever figure out what had happened to me and why I had really lost everything so near and dear to my heart. My family thought they knew the real reason but they didn't. They just thought I had betrayed them and jumped ship to the enemy for no logical reason but to hurt them. And in actuality, I was trying to protect then, protect the company. They of all people could not know.

No one could know I had been raped. No one could ever know.