Grief. Loss. The pain of it can leave you crippling, leave you so desperate for relief that you'd give anything just to turn it all off. The words resonate in the back of her head, a vague memory swirling just beyond her reach. She lets it melt away, doesn't bother with it as she sits, clutching his chest and gasping at the hole ripping through her. She'd felt something akin to this before, but the feeling seemed so inconsequential to this one.
There are words coming from her mouth. Just three. On repeat over and over again, as if the force and meaning of them could bring him back, make those icy eyes snap open again. Tears run down her face and drip on her shaking hands and she briefly wonders if it's raining. Rain. Under an umbrella. Hands clutching her face gingerly, hands that she never knew could be so gentle. "I know, Elena." The memory sends a fresh wave of crippling pain through her and she sobs harder, bringing her hands up to cup her own face, as if willing they were his.
"Elena-"
For a moment, she thinks it's him, and she whips around eagerly, about to be mad at such a cruel joke. But she blinks though her tears and sees Stefan, olive eyes wide with pain. His eyes wander from her to the body she'd clutching in her arms, and she sees tears that match her own fall down his face.
Suddenly, she finds herself on top of him, an already bloodied stake propped over his heart. "You." She hisses, and she moves the stake so it's beneath his ribcage, just like he taught her. "This is your fault. You turned my brother into a monster, and now look what he did." She wishes her voice could be emotionless, but it's guttural and broken and hysterical. Stefan doesn't fight, he just lies there, and she thinks she hears something breaking inside of him.
"I know." Is all he says, and looks like he'd like nothing more than to be staked.
She wants to. God, she wants to. But some buried, barely there rational part of her whispers that this is Stefan. The boy you once loved. The boy you still love. His brother.
Elena stands up and does the only thing that could possibly feel right in that moment. She runs.
When she's far enough away, she screams. Screams like she's wanted to for so long. Screams as she feels the last piece of her sanity crumpling. Screams until every thought is driven out of her head. Screams until blood vessels pop. Screams until she can't feel anything anymore.
It's storming, Elena thinks. The clouds above her are churning and white light thunders in the distance while droplets of water plummet down on her harshly. The sky is an angry gray-blue, and Elena thinks of a pair of eyes flashing with impulse and passion.
"Elena."
Barely startled, Elena turns around silently to face him. He looks miserable, she thinks idly as she looks over his soaked clothes, tear-streaked face grief stricken green eyes. They stare at each other for a moment, one calculating and one blank.
"You didn't." Stefan says slowly, shaking his head. Grief and dread shine through his eyes, and she pities him. "Elena, no."
"Yes." She whispers, and turns around the face the sky once more.
She groans as the warm blood hits her tongue, and the faceless stranger whimpers beneath her. She pulls back when their heartbeat slows, and she stands still for a moment, reveling in the high pulsing through her. For a second, she swears she hears someone behind her, smiling with approval and waiting with open arms before she runs into them, basking in his pride.
When she turns around, she's faced with a brick wall.
Elena feels a neck snap beneath her hands and a body fall to the ground, and she drags the body off wordlessly.
"I'm going to bring him back." She announces grandly, with flourish, and grins as Stefan stares at her unbelievably. She quirks her head to one side as she watches an unknown emotion pass through his eyes, almost like remembrance.
"You're what?" A high pitched voice hisses from the couch, and Elena flinches at the unwelcome sound that she resembles to a pig squeal. She ignores Caroline, keeping her eyes on the younger Salvatore. She'd found lately that she has no tolerance for the blonde anymore.
"Elena-"
"Elena Elena Elena." She mocks, scoffing. "Can't you say anything other than that?"
Stefan sighs, shutting his eyes momentarily before opening them. He speaks as if talking to a child. "Look, I don't know what you have planned, but-"
"He's your brother." She says, suddenly serious as she stares at him unwaveringly. "And you feel responsible for his death, which you are." She states, once again feeling that loathing blame erupt inside her like a volcano. She sees Caroline stand up in her periphery, and she comes to stand at Stefan's side defensively. "Easy, Elena." She says, staring at her once friend and attempting to find something recognizable in her eyes.
"Tell me, Caroline." Elena muses, "Why do you stand up for Stefan so much?"
Caroline blinks and stutters, thrown off by the question. She stands up taller as she answers, "He's a better friend than you are." She says, and Elena sees Stefan shift uncomfortably beside her.
"Right, a better friend. Remember when you hated me because he liked me and not you?"
Caroline flinches. "Remember when you jumped in bed with his brother barely a day after you broke up with him?"
Elena's smile disappears and she leans forward, like a cat getting ready to pounce. Opening her mouth to reply, she's quickly shot down when Stefan's voice interrupts.
"Guys, stop." He commands, looking at Caroline and he shakes her head at her while a silent understanding passes through them. It's not fair, Elena thinks. She used to have someone like that, someone who understood her so completely, someone she never had to even speak to before he got the message. The jealousy passes through her in a burst before it's gone, just like everything else she feels these days.
"What do you need me to do?" Stefan asks as he turns towards her, and Elena presses her lips together. If this works out, she'll have him back soon enough.
She looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize herself, doesn't think of the reflection staring back at her as Elena Gilbert. Even the name sounds foreign on her tongue as she repeats it to herself. Elena Gilbert, Elena Gilbert, Elena Gilbert. She thinks of a girl with long, mahogany hair and eyes to match it. A sweet, compassionate smile. The girl who feels for everyone. The girl who can find the good in anybody. Elena Gilbert.
No, she's no longer Elena Gilbert. She's someone else now.
She dreams of him a lot, as if that would be a surprise. Sometimes, he just sits beside her and holds her hands in his. Sometimes, they're walking on a beach and neither of them have their daylight rings on. "How are we not burning?" she always asks.
"We're always burning." He replies and she accepts it, because it's him and of course she trusts him.
Sometimes, they talk. "This isn't who you are." He tells her. "This isn't the Elena I know."
"It's the Elena I have to be now." She replies.
"Do you want to be this Elena?" he asks her.
She barely thinks about the answer. "No." she says, "I don't."
Other times, the dreams turn into memories. She's writhing under him while he moves inside her, lips and hands everywhere while her fingers are braided into his hair. He opens his eyes above her and Elena thinks that she'd happily drown again in the clear blue depths.
But she always wakes up, sweating with desire and hands clutching empty sheets. Those are the only times she lets herself feel, and she sobs into her pillow at the loss that seems to radiate throughout her entire being.
Xxxxxxxx
It was always him, she thinks. She wishes she had just realized it so much earlier, and she agonizes over the loss of time that came from her denial.
It was always him.
AN: Well, I really just had to write that. Sorry if it's kind of random, but it comes from the speculation that Damon is going to die in one of the upcoming episodes. I don't know if I believe it, but it seems possible. I can really see Elena turning it all off like this if he dies, especially if it's right after she realizes she loves him. I can see her turning into kind of another version of Damon, when he was trying to get Katherine out the tomb. Wouldn't that be ironic.
I have no idea if I'll continue this. Probably not, but never say never. I own nothing, and the title is from the song by Lightspeed Champion, but I've been listening to the Florence and the Machine cover of it. Review and tell me what you think? :)