Revenge for Hire 2
School Daze
by Solarchos
Shimata!! he screamed mentally as he stared at the results of yesterday's test on the bulletin board. He'd studied for weeks in preparation for the next exam, spent countless nights cramming…then an irate Miss Haruna had stormed into the classroom yesterday and angrily announced a pop quiz. He'd scored an 80; poor didn't even begin to describe his grade. Usagi had totally bombed (her wails of dismay coming from somewhere behind him were proof of that). Even Ami's performance had been abysmal; an 86!! Of all people!!
Clenching his fists and gritting his teeth, Umino tried to control his anger but he was fighting a losing battle. She had no right to treat her students this way! She had no right to destroy their futures! Umino's parents would be furious at his grade. Miss Haruna had done similar things to her students in the past, but a dishonor such as this could not go unpunished. Someone had to pay.
Umino thought of the rumors he'd heard of people who…specialized in just this sort of thing. Were the rumors true? It was time to find out. Sometimes shit happens, someone's got to deal with it, and who you gonna call?
Lounging on the couch, the small, white-haired girl smiled lopsidedly as she stared off into space, her thoughts boldly going where no sober person had gone before.
"There was me, that is Iron Mouse," she heard herself say. "And my three droogs, that is Ail, Rubius, and Fiore and we sat in the Juuban milk bar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the day. The Juuban milk bar sold milk plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence…"
"Demando!" cried Black Lady as she met Iron Mouse's gaze. "Iron Mouse's quoting "Clockwork Orange" and she's got that look in her eyes!" Demando looked up from the pool table as Cyprine made her shot.
"Again?!" he called out. "Has she been drinking Nephrite's "lemonade"?" It turned out she had; everyone knew that Nephrite's favorite drink consisted of ordinary lemonade mix with straight vodka instead of water. Needless to say the petite white-haired villain was completely sloshed.
It had been a few weeks since the "Great Chibiusa Assault" and business at the Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire had picked up. Saffir, Petz, and Tellu were out beating the crap out of some mechanics who routinely charged triple normal rates for shoddy car repairs ("Hold on to your lugnuts it's time for an overhaul!!!") and Eudial, Mistress Nine, Nephrite, JunJun, and Beruche were all down in Okayama on some kind of "special assignment". Demando and Cyprine were playing pool, Esmeraude, Kunzite, Black Lady, and An were playing cards, Ail and Fiore were trying to find something decent on the TV, Rubius was taking hits from a bong (again; the man was turning into a stoner), VesVes had been in the bathroom for over an hour after eating some of An's cooking, and, as stated earlier, Iron Mouse was trashed and currently under the impression that her name was "Alex DeLarge".
The toilet flushed again. Whatever is was that An had cooked had really done a number on the Amazoness.
"What the hell did you feed her?" asked Kunzite as he threw in three cards. "She's gone through two rolls of toilet paper already."
"Hey!" retorted An defensively. "All I did was try out a recipe for chocolate chip cookies I swiped from Makoto. Sheesh, can't I do something nice for someone once in a while?"
"No, we're villains, remember?" replied Esmaraude as she dealt out cards. "We don't help anyone unless it's in our own self-interest. That's why we started this business in the first place."
"Hey, don't forget that some of us are "reformed"," called out Ail. A moment later everyone burst out laughing. Reformed? Yeah, right.
"Anyways, we don't have any chocolate," called out Cyprine as she sank another shot. "Petz and Esmaraude ate the last of it, remember?"
"No, they missed some. I found a whole box stashed in the medicine cabinet." Silence filled the room as everyone stared at An. "What?!"
"Boxed chocolate?" asked Rubius. An nodded.
"In the bathroom?" asked Demando. An nodded again.
"You idiot!" shouted Esmaraude, smacking An in the head with her fan. "That wasn't chocolate! Haven't you ever heard of ExLax?!"
"Hey! The recipe specifically called for ExLax! Makoto called them "Vengeance by Chocolate." She said she created that recipe for her old boyfriend." Everyone groaned wearily. "So what is ExLax, anyway?" An's question was answered by a long, tortured grunt from VesVes, immediately followed by the flushing of the toilet. Just then there was a knock on the door.
"Somebody get that," called out Black Lady, even though she was right next to the door.
"Why not you? You're closer," retorted Cyprine.
"Hey! I've got a killer hand here and I'm not risking one of these bozos cheating while my back is turned."
"Just answer the door!" ordered Demando. Reluctantly, Black Lady got up and did so. The moment she turned her back her fellow players discarded and drew new cards (hey, what'd you expect?)
Standing in the hallway was a boy in a dark school uniform with unruly brown hair and thick glasses. Umino and Black Lady eyed each other with surprise, their minds racing.
Umino couldn't help but stare at this girl who looked like an older, pink-haired version of Usagi Tsukino, his mind full of lustful, hentai thoughts.
Black Lady couldn't help but stare at this boy who looked like an adolescent version of Bill Gates, her mind filled with an inexplicable desire to grab him by the throat, drag him to the bathroom, shove his face in the toilet, flush, pound him senseless, shove his glasses up his butt, and steal his lunch money.
"Hey, it's Nephrite's girlfriend's boyfriend," she called back into the room. Umino gave her a perplexed look.
"Uh, is this the Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire?" he asked.
"Sure is," said Demando as he came over. "You're looking to get back at someone?" Umino nodded as he walked in. As the door closed behind him Black Lady pulled back her arm in preparation of pummeling the crap out of him. A sharp look from Demando changed her mind.
"Hey, I know you," announced An. "You're that guy from Usagi's class who's always going on about computers, worms, and slugs. Umino, right?" He nodded, trying to figure out just how the heck this pink-haired alien knew him (Ail and An weren't in their human disguises).
"So what are you looking to do?" added Ail. "Bump off Ami so you can be at the top of the class again?" Somewhere in the back of the room Iron Mouse began giggling as she hummed "Singing in the Rain". From the bathroom came a loud groan and the flushing of a toilet.
"Actually, it's my teacher Miss Haruna…" began Umino. An and Ail both groaned loudly.
"Say no more," said Ail. "We know exactly what your problem is."
"You do?" asked Cyprine. "How about filling us in."
"Miss Haruna's got this habit of taking her frustrations out on her students," explained An. "I was on the receiving end once. It sucked. That woman seriously needs to get her ass kicked."
"Well, I guess it's decided then," announced Kunzite, jumping up on the table and posing grandiosely ( a la Cape Boy ). "Revenge for Hire shall soon strike like the avatar of jus-OOOOOPHH!!!!" He fell to the floor as Esmaraude groin-punched him.
"Shut the hell up!!" she shrieked as he writhed on the floor. "No Tuxedo Kamen speeches! Ever! Got it?!" Kunzite nodded painfully as Esmaraude regained her composure. "So…how are we going to do this? Eudial took her car to Okayama, Nephrite's car is still getting fixed, and our "special combat transport's" still being built."
"I'll take care of that," said Demando. "Now for this mission I want Cyprine, An, Ail, Black Lady, Iron Mouse, and Fiore. Let's move, villains!"
"Quick!" called out Iron Mouse as she rose unsteadily to her feet. "To the Batmobile!"
"Pick me up some more toilet paper while you're at it," added VesVes weakly.
Caught in the middle of the noon-time lunch rush, the bus made its way slowly towards Juuban. Naturally, the bus was packed.
"Use public transportation he says," grumbled Cyprine,."It'll save on gas, cash, and insurance payments he says. Yeah right!" Cyprine was sitting next to Umino (who she knew was checking her out through his inch-thick glasses). Black Lady had it worse: she was sitting next to some big Sumo-type guy with excruciatingly severe body odor (a.k.a. the "Stinky Guy"). Everyone else was more or less sitting together except for Iron Mouse who was lying overhead in the luggage racks.
"Oh jeez," moaned Iron Mouse as the bus lunched and turned ( along with her stomach ). "Can we get off here? Or at least get the suspension on this thing looked at?"
"Oh, like you're the only one suffering here," called out Black Lady. "This guy's breath is so bad he could've brought the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait to a screeching halt with one puff!" Suddenly, their attention was drawn to the front of the bus to a girl with long blond hair with a red bow in it.
"Shiny happy people holding hands…!" she sang happily and loudly for everyone to hear. "Shiny happy people holding hands…!"
"Hey! Isn't that Usagi's ditzy friend Minako?" exclaimed An. "What's she doing here?" Everyone else was busy cringing as they were forced to listen to the worst possible song to ever listen to while riding an overstuffed, un-air-conditioned, nearly stationary mass transit vehicle. Plus, Minako was being entirely too perky for anyone to tolerate.
"Oh my goddess!!" exclaimed Fiore. "There is a Hell and we're on the express bus to it!"
"Come on everybody!" called out Minako. "Sing with me!"
"Would somebody please ritually sepuku me right now? Please?" asked Cyprine. "If it's not too much trouble…" Meanwhile, Iron Mouse was busy grabbing the nearest bag on the luggage rack, opening it, and noisily emptying the contents of her stomach into it as Minako stood up and began dancing, still calling for everyone to join her.
Suddenly, a tall young man sitting near the back of the bus stood up. He looked a little like Mamoru except that he had brown hair that was cut slightly shorter, was somewhat thinner, and wore a leather jacket and a kevlar vest.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!" he shouted, pointing at Minako (who promptly stopped what she was doing). "Pull this bus over to the side of the Pretentiousness Turnpike! I want everyone off the bus! I want the shiny people over here and the happy people over here, okay? I represent angry, frustrated, gun-toting, meat-eating frigging people, all right! Sit down and shut the fuck up, you Brittney Spears wannabe!"
"Yeah!!" shouted An, Fiore, and Black Lady as they, as well as most of the other people on the bus began clapping. Minako immediately sat down, pouting heavily. The gut sat down as well.
"Whoa, isn't that Solarchos?" Ail asked Demando, "The author of this fanfic?"
"I think it is," replied Demando as the kevlar-clad American opened one of the windows. They watched in amazement as Solarchos opened a long case he was carrying and took out a high-caliber sniper rifle with a laser sight. "Last I heard he was something of a recluse until several months ago."
"Hey," called out Black Lady. "Are you really Solarchos, the author of this fic?" He glanced at them, a little surprised, then relaxed and smiled a bit.
"Looks like you caught me," he said. "Yes, I'm that Solarchos. You're the Dark & Dead Revenge for Hire, aren't you?"
"You should know," replied Ail. "It's nice to finally meet you. Demando was saying that you used to be kinda reclusive."
"Sort of," said Solarchos. "After the upbringing I had growing up I guess you could say I had a deeply ingrained distrust of the entire human race. Not quite a year ago I finally realized that the world wasn't as dark and nasty a place as I'd used to think so I started loosening up and enjoying life a little."
"Cool," said Cyprine. "So what are you doing here in Tokyo?" Solarchos stood up and started aiming through the open window.
"Oh, I come here whenever my life gets too frustrating and I need to take a break for a while," he said as he aimed at something down one of the side streets the bus was idling near. There was a huge commotion going on that was partially blocking traffic and they could all hear the sounds of explosions, crashes, and long-winded Sailor Senshi introductions. Minako was also getting off the bus and running towards the commotion. "Plus, you've probably noticed this but Tokyo's developed a real problem with youmas, daimons, and other nasty critters." Taking aim, Solarchos got a clear shot and began firing, putting a trio of hollowpoints through the chest of the monster the Senshi were fighting. The youma fell over dead.
"Aww, shit!!!" shouted the Senshi.
"Not again!!" screamed Sailor Neptune.
"I didn't even get to blow anything up! Dammit!!" yelled Sailor Venus as she finished henshining. Solarchos merely smiled and pulled his rifle out of the window.
"There are some people in the government who pay decent cash to anyone who helps get rid of those things," he explained as he stood up. "I guess you can say I'm sort of a cross between a bounty hunter and an exterminator. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta snag that thing." The Revenge for Hire gang all waved goodbye, except for Iron Mouse who was too busy falling to the floor in a semi-conscious stupor.
"So long!" called out Fiore.
"Have fun!" added Cyprine.
"Nail Pikachu for me!" said Black Lady. Solarchos smiled and waved back as he got off the bus.
"Hey! Are we ever going to see you again?" called out Demando through an open window.
"I think I can guarantee it!" shouted back Solarchos as the bus lurched forward, traffic started moving, the Senshi started pouting and moping about their stolen kill, and a husky American cop appeared out of nowhere.
"All right, folks," bawled the cop. "Everyone go on home. There's nothing to see here…"
The R4H gang and Umino got off the bus and stood before the door of Juuban High School. Lunch was now over and the students were all heading back to their classes.
"Aaaaaaahhhh!!" screamed Umino. "I'm going to be late for class…!!" He started to dash off, but Fiore put him in a headlock.
"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the alien. "You've gotta show us where Miss Haruna is plus there's the little matter of payment for our services."
"Let him go, Fiore," ordered Demando. "We can find our target easily enough on our own."
"We also know where you live, Umino," added An. "So don't even think about trying to stiff us." Umino nodded nervously and sprinted into the school.
"So what's our plan?" asked Black Lady. "Do we actually have one or are we going to wing it like we usually do?"
"Oh, I've got a plan," said Demando, smirking. "Don't you worry…"
With a loud screech like Eudial actually applying the brakes of her car, Umino skidded into his chair just as the bell rang. He breathed a sigh of relief; Miss Haruna fumed silently at the missed opportunity of taking more of her frustrations out on another hapless student.
"All right class," she began sharply. "Sit down and shut up! Today we're going to be having another unscheduled test based on the homework you had from last night." Everyone groaned. As she reached into her bag to pull out the tests someone knocked on the door.
"Miss Haruna," called out a voice in the hall. Umino could've sworn that the voice sounded a lot like that Ail-person. "There's a phone call for you in the office." Miss Haruna sighed loudly, then headed towards the door.
"Stay in your seats or else," she ordered. "Move and I'll kill you. Do you understand? Stay in your seats or I will physically kill you." She slammed the door behind her.
"The hell…?" commented Usagi. A moment later the door opened and a tall blue-haired woman walked into the room.
"Hello class. My name is Miss Cyprine and I'll be your substitute for the time being…"
"Uh, Miss Haruna was only going to the office to answer a phone call," said one of the students. Cyprine grinned wickedly.
"Oh, I'm afraid she's going to be detained for a little while." Cyprine's statement was punctuated by a loud smack from out in the hall as the villains all pounced on Miss Haruna. The temperamental teacher screamed loudly as An pimp-smacked her across the face, then her screams were cut off as she was dragged to the floor, Black Lady stuffing a ball of crumpled up test papers into her mouth.
"You like pop quizzes?!" she shouted. "I got your pop quizzes! Eat 'em, bitch!! Eat 'em! Eat 'em! Every bite!! Bwahahahahahaaaa…!"
A few of the students looked at the door, a little perplexed by the obvious commotion going on outside their room. Cyprine continued as if she didn't hear anything.
"Now, since this is an English literature class, I'm going to have my assistant Miss Mouse do the actual reading while I go over Miss Haruna's gradebooks for accuracy." At the mention of her name the door opened and an extremely unsteady Iron Mouse walked in. The fight in the hall was still going on and those near the door easily caught sight of Miss Haruna being held down by Black Lady and Fiore while An pounded the crap out of her and Ail was in the process of giving her an atomic wedgie. Closing the door behind her, Iron Mouse went up to the desk and looked at the class.
"Uhhh…" she began, her intoxicated brain operating at a fraction of its normal capacity. "Hi…I'm…really not feeling good…" She leapt up onto the desk, grabbed Miss Haruna's bag, paused for a moment, then threw up noisily into it.
"Ewwwww!!" cried out half the class.
"Uh, is she all right?" called out Usagi.
"Oh, she's fine," replied Cyprine as she began altering all of the grades in Miss Haruna's gradebook (author's note: how else do you think Usagi passed her classes? Certainly not by studying.), "She always gets like that after she's taken her antipsychotic medication."
"Teacher's lounge is secure!" called out Demando from down the hall. Ail, An, Fiore, and Black Lady each grabbed one of the dazed Miss Haruna's limbs and quickly rushed down the corridor. Ignoring the astounded stares of the students they passed, the villains pulled Miss Haruna into the teacher's lounge. Demando locked the doors as the others tied her down to the table with masking tape. Fiore pulled out a taser and started zapping her repeatedly in the stomach.
"Hey!" called out Demando. "Cut that out! No more physical torture!"
"What?!" replied An as she was preparing to start whacking Miss Haruna with a yardstick (poetic justice). "Oh, come on! She so deserves this!"
"You mean we can't "bring out the gimp"?" asked Ail. Demando shook his head.
"You people are getting way too violent," he replied. "There's more to revenge than the application of violence. Sometimes the most effective forms of revenge involve the use of subtlety. I told you I had a plan. Black Lady, sit down and try not to move. Everyone else, break out the Ayakashi sisters make-up kits. Miss Haruna's about to get a makeover…" Insert evil laughter.
Time passed. As Cyprine finished altering all of Miss Haruna's records (and leaving out a bunch of An's ExLax cookies where Miss H would find them later) Iron Mouse continued reading to the class. Her voice was slurred, monotonous, and rambling. Furthermore, her blood-alcohol content was high enough that not only would she not be allowed to drive, she was also under the unshakable impression that she possessed full fluency in a foreign language. As a result half the class stared at her with vacant expressions; the other half was asleep. Amazingly, neither Usagi nor Umino were among those put to sleep.
"Uff I may shoo ex-press it," rambled Iron Mouse. "I wuz shteeeeeped in vodka, I mean sorta, I mean Dora. Dora! That'sh whut it shays. Thesh books are so…so…blurry. How do you people shtudy thish crap?" She banged the book ("David Copperfield" by Charles Dickens, by the way) on the desk a few times in an effort to "focus the words", nearly dropped it, and continued reading it…this time upside down. "Uodn pehald pue…guns?…guns?! Thish booksh about guns? That's shtrange…"
"What the heck is she talking about?" asked Usagi, her face totally devoid of expression.
"She's reading the book upside down," commented an equally befuddled Ami.
"Maybe she's dyslexic or something?" offered Umino.
"No, I think she's just really, really disturbed," said Naru. "I mean really disturbed." Suddenly, there came a knock on the door.
"Miss Haruna's finished and she's on her way back," called out the person on the other side. Cyprine immediately recognized An's voice.
"Okay, class," announced Cyprine as she stood up. "Your teacher will be returning shortly so I guess Miss Mouse and I…" THUD! Iron Mouse passed out. "…will be leaving. Please pass up last night's homework." As the class began to do so Cyprine tried to revive Iron Mouse. Neither kicking her in the ribs nor pouring water on her face seemed to have any effect.
"Hey! Cheesecake!" she shouted. Iron Mouse just twitched a little. "Oh, dammit, you really are out of it." She started dragging her towards the door. "Jeez, for such a runt you sure ain't light! Uh, have a nice day, class." With that said, Cyprine dragged Iron Mouse out of the room. The last thing the class heard before the door closed behind them was Iron Mouse's slurred voice.
"Light…bright light…the loons…don't you hear the loons?!"
A few minutes later Miss Haruna came back in. She had no idea what had happened over the last half-hour or why she was so sore (compliments of Demando's hypnotic abilities). She also had no idea what happened to her wallet (compliments of Fiore). She opened the door and walked in…and was greeted by the collective gasp of her entire class.
"Huh? What's wrong with you people?" she asked.
"Bwaaaa-hahahahahahahahaha!!!!" screamed the entire class as they all went into hysterics. Several students fell to the floor as they proceeded to laugh themselves silly. Miss Haruna quickly pulled out her makeup compact and checked her face…and screamed in abject terror. Her hair was now bright pink and hung in long ponytails from the cone-shaped odangos on either side of her head. The Dark & Dead Revenge for Hire had performed the ultimate humiliation: they'd given her a Chibiusa hairdo. Perfect in every way.
As hysterical fear overwhelmed Miss Haruna and she proceeded to panic, Usagi kicked back, put her legs up on her desk, and proceeded to chill as the entire class continued laughing. Umino looked quite pleased with himself, too.
"You weren't kidding, Usa," he told her, leaning in close. "Dirty deeds done…"
"Satisfaction guaranteed!" she finished as they both high-fived each other. "They don't work cheap, though. How'd you handle it?"
"My folks have more money than they know what to do with. I'm an Internet geek, remember? How else do you think I can afford to keep upgrading my computer every month and pay my on-line fees?" Usagi shrugged and started munching on some cookies. "Where'd you get those?"
"Miss H had them on her desk," she replied as she munched away contentedly. "Somehow I don't think she's going to be wanting them. Want one?"
"Sure." Umino happily took it and kicked back with Usagi. "Chocolate chip cookies and watching Miss Haruna freak out : it doesn't get any better than this…"
Later, the phone rang at the Tsukino residence. Usagi's mom picked it up.
"Hello?" she asked. Upstairs, the toilet flushed.
"Shingo!" shouted Usagi from upstairs, her voice hinting at extreme discomfort and fatigue. "Get me some more toilet paper quick…!"
"Mrs. Tsukino? This is Rei. Where is that ditz daughter of yours?! She was supposed to meet the rest of us over at my temple an hour ago!"
"I'm sorry, Rei," explained Usagi's mom. "She didn't forget. Ever since she got home she's had the worst case of diarrhea. I think it may have been something she ate at school. I don't think she'll be going anywhere tonight…"
Rei quickly looked around to make certain no one was around and began dancing.
Yes!!! she silently shouted. "Oh, well I hope she feels better. I guess we'll just get together some other time then." Rei hung up. As she did so Cyprine and An suddenly appeared.
"Satisfied?" asked An with a smirk.
"Hell yes!!" replied Rei. "You guys kick ass! And to think we're supposed to be enemies. How much do I owe you guys?" Cyprine and An looked at each other and grinned broadly.
"Oh, nothing," said An.
"We threw that one in for free!" added Cyprine.