Kenzie: This is a private project that i am doing in reaction to all of the Suicides of Gay teens, and, in specific, a very close friend of mine who is having his own struggles right now.

It is hard, living like this. Not knowing what is to become of you. The strain that your body takes each and every day to get up in the morning. The hurt that you feel when the people look at you like you are so different from them. No, I will not stand for that!

My name is Roxas.

I am 16.

My name is Roxas

And I don't want to remember..

I look down from my bed to the boy sleeping on the bunk below me. Sora…my brother, the child that everyone thinks is perfect, not to say, that they don't think I am perfect as well. But, when we look at each other, we can tell. We can see that the other is hurting. That is just the way that twins work. I slowly climb down the ladder being carful not to wake the brunette boy on the lower bunk. I look around the unfamiliar room…our new bedroom in our new home…the home that was far from homey. I search through the box that is labeled with my name…Roxas. Is that really my name, or is it just Sora with an X or is Sora just Roxas without an X? We will never be told… I pull out a small necklace with a black jewel in the center. You can tell that it is old, for it has scratches and some amount of rust on it. As I tiptoe across the hall to the bathroom, I am thinking about that to do once I get in there. Do I shower as planned, or do I dare open the locket; the locket that hides the truth in it. I close the door, my decision made to open the locket. I look inside and am immediately overcome with grief. There are three things the first I take out it a letter. I look over it carefully. It says:

Roxas,

We love you dearly with all our hearts, so it pains us to say that we must leave. I know that we promised never to leave, but we must. We have seen you grow up to be so strong, so gifted, we know that your parents would have been proud, had they taken the time to notice. We know it is hard sometimes, so we give you this necklace as a way to keep you going. We know deep inside, you know that this is not worth it, but we will not tell you that it is not allowed. We love you.

Keep dreaming,

V. and C.

I put the letter down sadly, remembering the day that they left. Then I begin to take out the next item, a small, blue cross. A memory of my failed childhood, the one that I forgot about long ago. The last thing that I take out it a Razor. Cold and chilling as stone, a comfort in the early mornings. I look at the blade, clean and dry. I take in a breath as I bring down onto my arm. I look at what is already there: Y-O-U-A-R-E-A-N-O-B-O-D. That was it, the truth. The reminder of what I really am. It was strange though. Every time I added a letter, it never hurt as much as what I expected it to anymore. I carefully cut another letter into my arm, the one that would complete the phrase: Y. I looked at the completed artwork. The blood that pooled above my skin was no different that everyone else's, no different from my brothers, no different from the people that had criticized me so long ago. I rinse it off in the sink and put it back inside the locket, along with the letter and cross and put them into my pocket. The cut on my arm has stopped bleeding by now as I wash the blood off with a towel, dying it a light pink color. Again, I fold up the towel and put it back in the cupboard that I got it from, for either me or my brother to use later. I can feel myself walking out of the bathroom, although I do not feel that I am the one controlling this action, as though someone else is controlling my actions. I open the door to the bedroom that my brother and I share, only to be attacked by the pouncing mess of brown hair that I had mentioned previously, breaking me from my early morning trance.

"ROOXY! You are already up!" my brother said happily. He was always such an optimist around others…maybe that was why he got away with the goody-two-shoes thing better than me. Maybe if we were more like each other, we would not have had to move so suddenly.

"Sora, please…Mom and dad are probably still sleeping…we should not wake them." I said. I noticed Sora take in a sudden breath, holding it in and tensing up.

"You are probably right…Well, are you ready to go?"

The first day at a new school never feels normal…ever. No matter how many times you have switched schools, no matter if you are rich, handsome, and single, you will never feel good about it. So as me and my brother stepped out of our Peugeot 207 CC, we immediately put on the face. By now you probably know what I we mean when we say 'the face.' It is the face that we use to trick everyone into thinking that we are a happy family. Our parents use it to, especially at company dinners. You see, our family bought the Converse Company from Nike, so therefore, we are loaded. But because we have the public's attention, we must appear to be a happy, normal family. This is the reason that we moved here, to Twilight town, from Destiny Islands… Because people started getting suspicious of the fact that me and my brother are always so wary around other people.

People watched us as we walked up to the tall, brick building with the words "G_AY _ULBRETH _IDDLE _OOL above it. I am yet to figure out why people always look at the new kids. Is it because they want to be friends or is it because they want to know all of our dirty little secrets?

Enough with my depressing rants. We were at school and had to make a good first impression. I stood close to my brother, perhaps too close for a brother to stand. As we walked through the halls, all their eyes on us, we just smiled, smiled and wore the fake mask over our already pierced skin. Skin pierced by their prying eyes. The classroom that we walked into was littered with maps and globes about, leading me to believe that it was the History room. The teacher pulled us up to the front of the room and told us to introduce ourselves, but I don't hear her, all I know is the routine. Sora looks to the room and smiles. That is his role, the happy brother that always does everything perfectly and is the football star with the super hot girlfriend, never a boyfriend, even though we both know that is the gender he would prefer.

"Hey guys! My name is Sora! My favorite class is Gym, my favorite flavor of ice cream is Birthday Cake, and the shampoo I use is Herbal essences, orange." He finished with an accent on the orange. He nudged me with his elbow signaling that it was my turn. I smirk first, because that is my role. The studious boy on the baseball team that has perfect grades and the super smart, lacrosse playing, student president, girlfriend that everyone adores and thinks is the cutest couple ever. But again, we know that I would rather have it like my brother, with one of the same gender. I suppose twins think alike.

"Sup, my name is Roxas, and I am Sora's much hotter brother." I pause for the girls to stop giggling. "My favorite class is…English, my favorite flavor of ice cream is Coffee and I use Herbal Essences, Green." I finished and the watched as several girls ogled us and several others whispered quietly between themselves, squealing every few seconds. As I take my seat next to a boy whose face is deeply hidden in his arms, I can't help but wonder; was it always like this? Did girls always throw themselves at our feet and ask to be with us? Or were things once different? Were we ever normal? I know the answer to the last one: Yes. But things were never going to be normal again. I look up to the board and begin to copy down the lesson intently. Suddenly, I feel a tap on my arm coming from my right side. I look up and come face to face with the sleeping boy from earlier.

"Whhhhat are we doooing?" He whispers animatedly. I role my eyes at this buffoon and turn back to my work. A moment later he taps my arm again. "Pllleease?" He begs.

"Ya, Roxy. Aren't you going to help out my friend?" Someone says from behind me.

"I don't even know him so why should he be my problem" I say to the unnamed and unseen boy behind me.

"Simple." He says. "Cause Namine says that you will be friends soon and then he would have something to hold against you." His voice is so calm, so sure when he says this. It irks me.

"Oh...Namine said? Well then it must be true! So, hello…Roxas! I am Demyx!" I shake my head. Really, these Neanderthals can't expect me to believe that just because some girl says something I should believe it.

"Seriously, what do you want; Money, shoes, your name on an invite list to a party? Name it, you can have it." I say. This was a typical thing to happen. Every time we switched schools there would be someone who was after something. The boy behind me that I am yet to place a name and face to laughs.

"What are you talking about? Why would we want money from you?" the smooth voice says, curiously. I furrow my eye brows and take my phone out of my pocket.

I don't think that they know…

I put it into my lap as I wait for my brother to reply. A moment passes and my phone vibrates.

Same here! I guess we should tell them.

No! Lets see how far we can get with this…

I put my phone away and turn to the boy next to me. "Sure, why not." I say, shoving my papers in the blonde's direction. "How about I meet you for lunch; we can go out, my treat." As the words leave my lips the bell rings and I begin to gather my books into my bag. I hear the boy behind me stand and push his chair in so I turn to look at him, to receive my answer for the lunch invitation.

When I see him, I realize a very important fact about this boy; he is huge! As in tall, cause he is in no way fat. And his hair; red like fire! He was the type of boy that would be mine if I were not…well, lets admit it, a coward.

"Sure… Roxy." That was all that he said before walking gracefully away, the annoying kid that can't seem to pay attention following him. I stood in the classroom watching as they left for their next class. I felt a warm arm wrap itself around my shoulders.

"*sigh* too bad we are Malina's, cause that is one hot ass dude." I slapped my brother playfully.

"Ya or just a plain ass! And anyways, forget it. We just got to this school; we can't be screwing things up on the first day."

We were sitting at a table in a small ice cream shop down the street from our school called Orange Leaf. There were four of us: Axel, my brother, the stupid blonde boy, and myself. We each had a cone of ice cream in our hands as we sat in awkward silence.

"So…" The blonde boy said in an attempt to make conversation. "You guys play any sports?" I laughed and shook my blonde hair lightly, in a very flirtatious way. Hell, if I played sports…by choice.

"Kind of, it depends on what you mean by play. What about you?" I say in response. I only say this because I want to know the story behind them before they find out anything about me and my brother. I hear a soft chiming laugh that I believe belongs to the red head boy.

"Demyx doesn't do sports…he is the drum major…you know…marching band." I widen my eyes. I would have never guessed by the lazy appearance of this boy that he could actually do work.

"Hard to believe it, I know. It takes soo much out of me. BUT! I take pride in it, I mean, I am the first Junior to be drum major, like in HISTORY!" The boy, Demyx, says. I look to my brother sitting beside me, realizing for the first time that he hasn't said anything. Of course he hasn't said anything. The only reason he ever talks is to impress people with his superior energy and flirtatiousness.

"Of course, I myself play football, quarterback." Axel says. I can see my brother smirk beneath his hung head. He lifts himself up and looks the red head in his bright green eyes.

"Well, looks like you have some competition this year." He says, mysteriously, as if giving a challenge.

"Well…." The red head whispers, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was actually going to try out for the school production this year…although it is always more of a musical than anything…" I sputter and laugh as I take a sip of my drink.

"WH-what? You dance? I'm sorry, but that is hilarious!"

"Come on Roxas, don't be so hypocritical. You used to dance." My brother says. It is not until now that I remembered that aspect of my life. I had tried so hard to suppress those long gone memories of my childhood. I look at my brother, despair written all over my face. He brings his hand up to his mouth in sympathy.

"Oh…I'm so sorry! I forgot!"

"No it is fine…in fact. Maybe…I could try out…" I say, knowing full well what I was saying. This wasn't like me. A month ago I would have laughed at the idea of myself dancing again. I would have said that it was against everything that father had raised us to be. "Anyways, what is the worst that could happen? Father and Mother could find out, but what can they do?" I hear myself saying these words, but I don't believe that they are coming out of my mouth. I was normally so afraid of my past life being exposed, why is it that I was now so willing to throw away everything that I had worked so hard to create?

"Roxas, please… I mean, how would you hide it from father anyways? You know how upset he would be if he found out!"

I can feel the ideas slipping in and out of my head like snakes, working my brain until I find a solution. Though these snakes are a lot more like the snake in the story of Adam and Eve; planting false hope into my head with sneaky tactics. This made me think that maybe, this boy sitting across from me was the snake.

"Well…" Axel says, placing a thumb beneath his chin. "You could always say that you are trying out for football. Then once they post the list, you can just say that you made it. And instead of going to the practice, you can come to rehearsal." He offers.

I don't know what to say to this. You can't just some out and say that you can't try out for football because it is not in the script, can you? It is just not normal. So what do I say instead? Do I tell him that I will figure something else out, because I don't think that I could hide something like that for long.

"Roxas, you could always tell him that you are going to be at church. I am sure that he would believe you and he would not take harshly to the idea." My brother offers up. I know though, that I am being silly to think that anything would work for long. I take this answer though.

"That may work. And this brings me to the next question; what the hell is this play about?" I say in my smart alecky tone. Axel smirks that same smirk as before and I can feel something in side me melt to pieces and in an instant, I can tell that he is loosening the grip that my father has on my heart. And the strange thing is…that I was letting it happen.

"You know that Broadway musical that went on forever…Cats? Well…let's just say that we like a good classic." My mouth stood agape at him. Was he serious?

"But…I can't sing. I mean, I can, but it is not nearly as good as it could be...But I'm a great dancer!" The red head boy laughs, but I am not quite sure what I have said.

"Then I can almost guarantee you that you are going to get the part of that really gay black and white guy that runs around with a sparkly rainbow scarf for half of it and then starts rubbing his face all over the old dude. But… that is only me, and I have no authority over what part you get and weather or not you want to sing." He finishes laughing. I look at him and give the best pouting glare that I can conjure up at the moment. "Oh, don't give me that look; it just doesn't fit your bubbly personality." The red head says, adding extra sarcasm on the 'bubbly'. I shake my head and stand up from my stool.

"We should get going, don't want to be late for 5th block." I say and walk out the front door, a bell chiming behind me. I look back for the others to see my brother looking at me with concern, Demyx…well nothing really, and Axel with something that looked a whole like lot like happiness.

I sit at the dinner table with my family, holding one another's hands in a circle, saying grace. I tilt my head up a little bit and open my eyes to meet my mothers. There is sadness in them. I see it, although I don't think that anyone else does. No, I know that no one else does. Sora is too naïve to care, no one else could suspect that it was there in the first place and father is too busy with his fist to notice her pleads from inside.

Is it bad that I don't do anything? Is it bad that I don't tell someone? No, because it is called self preservation. I know that if father told me otherwise, then I would, but as long as I have the knife held to my throat by my dear father, I tell no one.

We eat our dinner in silence, no one say anything to the person beside them nor does the person beside them say anything to them. But I am used to this. I'm not as stupid as my brother likes people to believe that he is. I know that my mother and father's marriage is not what it used to be and I know that my dad did something to my brother that he won't tell anyone, not even me. And lastly, I know that he threatens to kill me almost everyday.

I don't really know why he does it. He says that God tells him to, but how am I supposed to believe that? Ya, I know…A catholic kid that does not think that God influences people. Well, I might have believed you up until a year ago, and frankly, I don't know anyone that would believe you if you told them that my father was a chosen one.

So that is my fathers problem, he is addicted to God. Ya, I don't get it either. But if God is telling him to kill me if I step out of line, I am happy to let him believe that I do. My mother, on the other hand, has got everything going for, except my father that is. She is beautiful, with long blonde hair in a braid down her back and bright blue eyes and tan skin. I have no idea why she married my father in the first place.

I put my dishes in the sink to be washed by our house keeper and trudge up the stairs to my room where I see my brother looking at I pile of rumpled up, foul smelling clothes on the floor that he is yet to touch in nearly a year now.

"You gonna tell me tonight?" I ask him. He keeps staring at the clothes and shakes his head. "Fine, not like I expected you to anyways. It's not like I don't know anyways…" I say back. I don't get a response this time, instead I head him clap and the lights go out.

I lay in my bed thinking about that dirty pile of clothes. Father had done the same thing to me a little over a year back, a month or so before my brother. He had called it 'the reason I should date girls'. He had said that it was not Gods way; that we could not stray from the path that he had sent us on.

That was the first time that we had to move because of father. The teacher had seen me crying the next day at school and had smelt me. Guess she recognized that something was wrong.

I turn onto my side and close my eyes, waiting for my beloved sleep to arrive.

Roxas is a son.

Roxas is Sora with an X.

Roxas is a sex thing.

My name is Roxas.

I am 16.

God help me.

I really hopw that you liked the first chapter of my new story and really hope that you review!