You stare at the swirls of amber within the heavy glass as you clench it tightly to your chest from under dark tendrils wishing it were enough to make you numb.
Tony hovers behind your shoulder and you considerate on sitting as rigidly still as possible every time he draws near to keep yourself from pulling away.
Hours ago you were resigned to live your empty little life. You would get married and you would pretend that you didn't ache like it was the end of the world every time you saw Liam with Maria.
Now you wish for numbness because everything hurts in ways you have never imagined. You never thought you could have possibly loved him this much. You wish you were bitterly angry like you were with Paul but for once in your life anger is the one emotion you can't summon.
Always a drama queen you indulge in imagining throwing over dramatic fits of grief. And then you wonder if Maria is currently acting it all out for you and how people rush to comfort her. You think that you are a horrible person for wishing the idiot girl would just grieve quietly.
Maybe you could blurt out the truth to Tony, yell how the love of your life is dead, watch as the flames of anger rise in his dark eyes. The anger that has always thrilled and scared you in equal measure. Right now you may deserve that anger directed at you. Maybe he'd hit you and you'd proudly wear the bruises because you have no other way of showing the anguish your drowning in.
You flirt with the idea of something as self-destructive as suicide. You may be desperate enough but hopefully nowhere near that pathetic. Still, it would not be hard to slink away and lock yourself in the bathroom. A few handfuls of painkillers mixed with the alcohol you'd already ingested and you'd never wake up again. Tony's razor against your wrist if you are feeling dramatic, and you normally are. Something within craves the idea of spilling blood (just like Liam's, just like him)
You know you won't act on those impulses, too fucking pitiful. So you sit still and silent as Tony heads to bed after you tell him you'll be there soon. You bite your hand to hide the wails that come tumbling through your emotional walls. You sit alone and weep and think that you can't see tomorrow anymore.
You fall asleep on the cold floor where you cry and in the morning you know that you will grit your teeth and carry on. Maybe tomorrow you will find a way to become numb otherwise you don't think you can carry on breathing much longer.