Chapter 1 "Buffy.yoo hoo" Buffy Summers started with a jump as a hand waved in front of her face. For a brief
moment, she was so immersed in her thoughts she had almost forgotten where she was. Old
books accumulating dustballs, wooden shelves and an aging linoleum floor abruptly gave
away to that of one vacant Sunnydale high school library. Within it, a small group of
friends and one somewhat stuffy librarian gathered at a large wooden table, chattering
amongst themselves. The table was mainly used as a research centre, but Buffy found that
with its length, it was a great place to stretch out her legs. It was much like a lawn
chair, the only drawback being no padding or snacks. Buffy wasn't quite sure who was talking, but as a pair of curious eyes from Willow
Rosenberg gazed at her from across the table, she smiled sheepishly, her momentary feeling
of repentance dissipating like a cloud of smoke. "Sorry bout that. My mind
wandered off. What were you saying?" "I was just wondering how your rounds went last night. The usual fun, huh?"
Willow lamely pumped a fist in the air, intending to spur Buffy's enthusiasm of being
the Slayer. Only one girl was specially chosen to fight the evil in Sunnydale. Destiny was
the chooser. Buffy could only muster a weak smile despite her friend's attempt at cheering her
up. "Ohthe um, slaying went fine." She nervously pushed some stray hair
out of her face. "It was indeed fun. The demons and thedusting." Rupert Giles, the librarian and Buffy's Watcher -the one chosen to guard and guide
over the Slayer- looked down at her earnestly. "Are you feeling all right? You
seema bit jittery." Taking a sudden avid interest in examining her nails, Buffy said, "Yes, I'm
fine. Ready as ever.just like a spring." "You sure don't look so happy. You sure about that?" Xander Harris noted
slyly as he munched on a carrot stick. Buffy glared at him and snapped, "I don't always have to be happy, do I?
There's no rule in a book saying I have to." "Whoa, someone woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Xander
whistled low. "Actually, in this case," he waved his carrot stick at the
bookshelves around him, "You may be wrong." "Come on, Buff, what's wrong?" Oz prodded gently. "You're not
your usual perky self. You usually have more pep." "I know I have a ton of pep, but not today. I'm just.kind of pepless.
This whole thing with-" Buffy was about to reveal about the restoration of
Angel's soul, but she decided against it for her sake; she didn't want to take
any emotional blows that were intended for him. He could deal with it himself when the
time came. Buffy hastily amended, "School and this whole slaying business. I mean
really, can anyone not get sick of seeing demon after demon?" She forced out a
laugh. An awkward silence passed. "I guess that's true." Willow finally spoke, filling it. "I mean,
school's a real big thing, and the slayingwell, that's something I'm
not totally sure about yet since I myself am not a Slayer. And well.I don't
have as much experience with the stabbing and everything that goes along with being the
Slayer." "Good point." Buffy raised amused eyebrows. Fiddling with the pendant on her
necklace, nobody said anything, making Buffy feel even more jittery. She felt like a
spring, coiled and ready to let go. She had to get out. Dropping her hands, she pushed
herself off the chair she was sitting in and abruptly stood. "Well, I've got a
ton of homework to do. So much to finish, so little time." "Did I hear you correctly?" Xander had on a look of mock disbelief. "You
want to do homework? Without Giles here having to nag you?" He gave a small
indicating jerk of his head toward the librarian. "Buffy, we're not finished here." Giles reminded, not even bothering
with Xander's comment. Buffy sighed. "Giles, I already know your lecture. Kill the demons, no matter how
many extra body parts they may have; don't get stabbed with my own stake; if I need
help, scream and I may get it." Buffy ticked off each reason with her hand. Snapping
her fingers, she deliberately feigned a look of remembrance as she added with a nod,
"Oh yeah, returning my library books on time. That's the most important
one." "Buffy" Giles warned. "Isn't it true? Isn't that what you'd say?" Buffy asked
innocently, knowing it was a true fact. Giles let out a slow, tired breath as he took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of
his nose. As Buffy triumphantly awaited her answer, Giles humored her, a suppressed smile
crossing his face, "Yes, that's exactly what I'd say." "Yes!" Buffy pumped a small fist into the air as Giles proved her point. As
she put it down, she chirped with a phony smile, "So that means I can go?" Giles laughed, slipping his glasses back on. "All right, just this one time."
Buffy beamed a smile at him and said her farewells to her friends. As she was about to
push open the library doors, Giles' voice stopped her. Turning around, she said
half-impatiently, but curious, "Yes?" Giles smiled warmly. "Take care." Buffy's eyes softened. "Thanks." "Stay happy, Buffy!" Xander put in with a silly grin and a thumbs-up. The smile was still on her face as she left. Shaking her head, she greeted Cordelia
Chase as they passed by each other. Buffy had constantly asked herself time and time again
how she had made friends with a rich, pompous girl like Cordelia. Especially those times
when Cordelia got so self-absorbed, Buffy really had to wonder. Her mood slipped into a sullen state as she wondered how fate had befallen her so.
Being the Slayer changed the entire course of her life. No more petty missed late night
phone calls to bawl over or dates to go on. Nobody at school had held her interest. Nobody
else sparked her appeal but Angel. Thinking about him sent a sudden wave of feelings through her as she walked outside,
the sky overcast and darkening. Angel was her first real love. Ironically, she had fallen
in love with a vampire, one of the unspoken true enemies of a Slayer. But Angel was
different. Being hexed with a gypsy curse that created a soul inside him, he had to live
his life with tortured memories of all the people he had killed as his evil self, Angelus.
The feelings and emotions of a person with a human heart took some adjusting to, Buffy
recalled him telling her in one of their talks, but with her around, it made handling it a
little easier. Buffy wasn't sure. The revulsion of his troubled past was something that would
remain inside him forever, and she doubted anything would help him fully heal. Nothing Buffy had even experienced with the opposite sex made her feel more alive, more
satisfying as being with Angel. At first, their relationship had its rocky points, but
after the bonds of trust were set, they were inseparable. During a high point in their
relationship, both of them gave in to their desires and made love for the first
time. Angel's soul was ripped from him as a terrifying result. He reverted back
as Angelus, turned violent and relentless, letting nothing get in his way until he had
Buffy in his grasp. Buffy soon realized that there was no speck of her true love left in
the vampire. Upon that recognition, she knew she had to kill him. After a hard and
arduous fight, Buffy was forced to kill Angel, moments the portal from Hell had opened and
his soul suddenly restored. He had unexpectedly returned, well and alive. He could live a
human life again, just like how it had been before he had turned evil. But not exactly.
She opened the door to her home, expecting to be greeted by her mother. Joyce Summers did not appear right away, but when she eventually did, with her own motherly way, inquired how her daughter's day had went, to which Buffy answered the same way she did each day.
"It was fine." Dropping her backpack slowly on a chair to stall some time, Buffy felt the need to add something else to her mundane response. "I umactually didn't get too much homework today. Isn't that amazing?" Buffy's impromptu comment sounded lame to her own ears.
Joyce smiled knowingly. "It's okay, Buffy. You don't need to feel bad. I know your life is full of excitement and secrets you don't want to share it with me. We've been through this before, remember?" She wagged her finger jokingly. "Remember, no gross details about your slaying, okay?"
Joyce had discovered Buffy was a Slayer when she was forced to stake a vampire in front of her. Her head was filled with a million questions, some of which Buffy could answer. The first and utmost obvious, "Why her?" was asked, and Buffy had only sadly shook her head and replied, "That's destiny."
Buffy tried to provoke a laugh as she weakly returned her mother's smile. "Yeah. Tons of times. I justkeep forgetting, that's all. Being the busy normal teenager I am." She added with innuendo, her voice turning crisp.
Joyce patted her shoulder in an attempt to console her. "I know this is tough for you, Buffy."
You'd never know.
Buffy knew her mother was only trying to make her feel better. She would never go into details about her slaying experiences. It was mind-boggling enough for Buffy, let alone her mother. Buffy pasted a pleasant look on her face and said cheerfully, "Well, I'm gonna head out, Mom. Gotta do something else other than schoolwork and slaying day and night. Maybe go to Willow's for a bit." Buffy added, knowing her mother's spasms of protectiveness.Confusion spread on Joyce's face at her daughter's sudden buoyant mood. "Well, you'll probably want to eat first. There's enough to feed you for now." After a quick afterthought, she added, "Now that you mention it, I'm going to enjoy the outdoors myself. I'll be out front torturing myself as I try to fix the gutter out front."
Torture.
The word resonated in Buffy's head. Her mother would never know how it was like to be truly tortured. "See ya." Buffy pushed aside her morbid thoughts as she rummaged inside the fridge, hearing her mother leave. As she ate an apple, she glanced out the kitchen window and saw that daylight was nearly gone.She decided to go to Angel's mansion. A small part inside her felt almost afraid to see him. She couldn't sort out how she felt, how she should. Minutes later, she was in the atrium, standing in front of the black curtain which she always came through, anxiously fighting an internal struggle. She wondered if it really was a wise decision to visit. It had been a week since the last time she had dropped by. She wasn't sure guilt was the right way to feel. She tried to reassure herself; she had a busy schedule and there wasn't always time to visit. The excuse didn't sink in as hoped and Buffy sighed. She took in a deep breath before pushing herself inside.
Angel was settled on one of the numerous pillows that were scattered on the floor in front of the lit fireplace, a pensive expression across his broad face as his gaze was focused on the flames. The warm fire was the only source of light in the room, creating an enigmatic, almost eerie atmosphere Buffy found extremely unnerving this particular day. Perhaps if the main hall was smaller, she wouldn't of felt so freaked out.
Angel looked up at her as she entered, a small smile of surprise passing his lips. "Hi. Haven't seen you for awhile."
Buffy tentatively sat on one of the pillows, ignoring his subtle -if intentional- guilt trip. "Hi yourself. How are you?"
"Fine. How about you?"
"All right, I guess. Been busy. Schoolwork, slaying, the usual."
Angel nodded, his attention drawn back to fire crackling in the hearth.
When he didn't answer, Buffy took his laconic mood as a sign of little interest in conversation. Taking another pillow, she placed it on top of the one she scooted off from, making herself more comfortable as she lay on her front, her head resting on top of the two pillows.
As she stared into the fire, she felt a kinship with Angel. She felt his type of pain and loneliness. None of her friends could truly experience how it was like to be different from everyone. Sure there were the social outcasts like Xander and Willow, who didn't really fit in with the cliques at school, but her isolation was far unlike that. She was not a normal person and never would be, and it was a fact that she had to accept, whether she liked it or not. The status of being a Slayer was, without a single doubt, always at the back of her mind whenever she had to come to a decision about anything, whether it was spending time out with Willow or even talking with somebody new. Being a Slayer was like have a dead weight hanging over her head, and whichever way she would turn and run, she would never escape her fate. It was destiny. And destiny didn't care who it hurt or what new consequences it lay ahead for a Slayer.
Angel glanced briefly at her movement, but kept quiet. Buffy was about to let out a stream of pouty childish complaints, demanding why he was being such a poop-head, not conversing when she made such an effort to drop by. But obviously not in those exact words.
"Are you avoiding me?" Angel's question was blunt and unexpected.
Buffy had to swallow the enlarging lump that was lodging itself in her throat, not quite meeting his eyes. "No."
Angel's gaze penetrated into her own. "Really?"
Feeling squirmish, Buffy hesitantly replied, "I told you, I've been busy with the gang and the slaying and my schoolwork. Haven't had much free time." She averted her eyes back to the fire, glad to have something else to look at.
Again, Angel didn't respond, and Buffy didn't volunteer anything. She was forced to shut her eyes tightly after a few long minutes, as the fire was starting to prick at them like hot needles. She let out a small, deliberate sigh, hoping to attract Angel's attention, believing he'd say something. No answer.
That did it. Buffy started to rise. She was regularly able to handle the brunt of his non-verbal times, but today she felt like babbling about her troubles with school, how her friends were doing, anything else other than her other life; the forced one. Evidently, she had chosen the wrong person. "Maybe I should go. Y-you're not in the mood for visitors. I'll come back another time."
Her unexpected announcement snapped Angel out of his trance-like state. "I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind. I don't mean to ignore you. Please stay. Ilike it when you're here with me."
Buffy felt some of her annoyance wind down, and relaxed as she settled back to her previous position. So maybe she could last a little bit longer. Leaving so quickly wasn't what she was intending on, but if she really had to, she'd go. She started fiddling with the edge of a fraying pillow. "Me too. I-I mean, I like it when you're with me. Sowhat are you thinking of?"
Angel didn't answer, just gave one of his unreadable glances. A look that could reveal so many problems, so many hidden depths of emotion, but for the current situation, Buffy was not under a rock. But now she did feel like crawling under one, to sleep the days away, forgetting about everything. She sighed inwardly, knowing Angel was thinking on the same wavelength. The inevitable about their relationship flaring up during her visit was simply unavoidable. And it always seemed to creep back and slap her across the face when she least expected (or wanted) it. Didn't she just try to evade from the touchy subject just moments ago?
"What about us?" she murmured, acting oblivious as she turned her attention back to the fire.
"You know exactly what I mean."
"No I don't. Really."
"What do I have to do to make you love me again?" Angel's voice unveiled anguish, a tone Buffy couldn't stand coming from him even though she had heard him use it a hundred times. It hurt just as much as the first time she had ever heard him talk that way.
"Don't you do that. II do love you." Her voice faltered unexpectedly. She shut her eyes, desperately wanting to flee, feeling completely at loose ends. Maybe she still loved him. Maybe she had moved on. But she felt held back, hovering at a worn out spot when she desired to move forward to something new; at the same time, she didn't feel like jumping ahead.
"Please." Angel placed a hand on top of hers. "Look at me."
The biting chill of his touch seared guilt into Buffy as she numbly obliged, languidly sitting up from her position, eyes shut, feeling the urge to run away so she couldn't feel the pain that she knew would come. Run away Buffy, run while you can! Buffy's heart knew her mind's command was pointless. Her body wouldn't respond to her plea. And Angel's lightening-quick agility and strength could pose problems more dire than she needed.
She slowly opened her eyes. They instantly locked with his, a sudden remorse rushing up inside her as times in the past reeled in her mind like a slideshow. Happy times, fearful moments, tortured nights and days when nothing else was on her mind but being near him and knowing he was all right. She succumbed into the pure darkness of Angel's mysterious eyes which bore intensely into her, almost as though he were looking deep down into the darkest parts of her soul. Uncontrollable tears instantly welled in her eyes, but she didn't bother wiping them away.
"I-I don't know why-" Buffy tried to elucidate, her mind reeling from her sudden change of moods from normalcy to muddled confusion. The tears streamed down her face as she spoke, but the words died on her lips as Angel's fingertips silenced her. She hung her head, silently seething to herself. How she could possibly reach so low in front of him when she simply couldn't afford to? She was the Slayer. She had to stay strong and keep fighting, crying later on when nobody was around to witness it. And now she felt like a balloon that suddenly popped. Only what came out of her wasn't air, but bottled up emotions and pushed fears, all in the form of hot tears.
She didn't realize she was trembling until Angel's strong arms had wrapped tightly around her. Involuntarily, she tried to push him away, not wanting his pity, wanting to keep it all inside, but his embrace gave her a sense of comfort and she could do nothing else but let herself sink into him. She needed his thoughtful gesture, but didn't know if she desired it coming from him. Her thought and his action only made her tense up and Angel tightened his already death-like grip, which was starting to hurt.
"Angel, I'm going to stop breathing if you hold me any tighter." Buffy managed to blurt before her oxygen level was completely deprived.
"Sorry." Angel automatically loosened his hold. He looked down. "I've been apologizing too much, haven't I? These past few visits."
"No, it's okay. I understand. The things you did as Angelus-" Buffy eased away from him, feeling absolutely bewildered as her emotions tumbled in turmoil. She wasn't watching him, but sensed his wounded look before it even crossed his face, and she couldn't bear to confirm it with her eyes. She could only guess at what other emotions he was showing, but she couldn't bring herself to look. She swiped at her tear-streaked face with the back of her shaking hand. Sniffling, she quietly said, "Sorry I lost it like that."
"Feel better?"
Buffy's head was in a fog and she found it hard to think clearly after letting out her ragged heart. "Not really." Closing her eyes, she calmed herself by taking in deep breaths. "It's so hard." She didn't realize she'd spoken aloud until Angel's voice protruded. Buffy didn't answer, not wanting to turn the spotlight onto herself. She wanted to hide in her shell like the hermit she was feeling lately.
"What is, Buffy?" Angel gently lifted up her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. "Tell me."
She instantly felt apprehensive. And very trapped. "I-It's nothing. Just thinking. Didn't think I'd say it out loud."
"But what were you-"
"Forget it," Buffy cut him off, hating to be on the defensive. "Let's just talk about us. That's what you wanted."
Angel's eyes turned serious as he dropped the issue. "Then let's talk."