The Tentaspy: A Nonsensical Tale
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Team Fortress 2; Valve does. I also do not own the copyrights to "Jabberwocky" from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland written by Lewis Carroll.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've been toying with the idea of doing a parody of Alice in Wonderland with the cast of Team Fortress 2 for some time now. While I'm still planning on how to execute it, this popped into my head, just begging to be written. Plus, this is a great poem to write about the Tentaspy and will give you guys a small taste as to what I have planned for this project. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions about who will be who or whatnot, let me know!
…..
The weather outside was miserable. It was cold, windy and raining like cats and dogs! Normally, the desert landscape was hot and dry, but when the rain came, it came hard and fast. And once the rain came, it refused to leave. The occupants of Teufort had fought in the rain before, but the current weather advisory deemed it too dangerous and a last minute cease fire was called.
The RED team was having a bad case of cabin fever. With no fighting on account of the storm outside, the eight guns for hire where bored, frustrated and not in a good mood. The Pyro, the last (and certainly most mysterious) of the mercenaries had come down with a cold, leaving its eight team mates to decide who would give up their free time to take care of the little fire bug.
"Alright, who's turn is it this time?" the Demoman asked as he took a sip out of his bottle of Scrumpy.
"Well, don't look at me, One-Eye! I plan on using this time off from the battlefield to perfect my rocket launcher." The Soldier said. "What about you, crouton?"
The Spy, a man of class and pride, removed his cigarette from his mouth and exhaled.
"I prefer not to get involved with ze little fire starter. I am not a nourrice, a nanny." The Frenchman looked at the Sniper, who just scowled at the Spy.
"No way Spook! I got the privilege of carin' for'em last time and well...I'd rather not talk about it." The Spy snorted. "Oh Bushman, please! Just because zat…thing got upset zat you couldn't even make chicken noodle soup right, doesn't mean you should avoid you're responsibilities." "Whatever Spook…" the Sniper grumbled and went back to his gun cleaning kit he was working on.
"Ain't no way I'm goin' near that freak!" the Scout immediately stated. "What about you, Heavy?"
"That thing…it scares me." the Russian whispered.
"Everyone, settle down now! I'm sure ve can find a perfectly reasonable solution to our problem." the Medic said. The rest of the men stood and thought, all not coming up with any suggestions.
"Well, that does it! We have no choice privates. We have to call…"
"ENGINEER!" the seven men shouted at the top of their lungs. The Engineer, who was down in his workshop tinkering away at a busted sentry, heard his team mates' voices through the intercom. "Aw, hell." He said, tossing his wrench onto the workbench and made his way upstairs. When he arrived at the rec room, the Engineer just stared at his team mates.
"You rang?"
"No time for sarcasm, toymaker! You have been drafted to take care of Pyro." the Soldier said.
The Engineer just shook his head. "Alright, fine. I'll go check up on Pyro. I swear, the whole lotta ya are gonna get what's comin' ta ya someday." "Good luck private and God Speed!" said the Soldier who saluted him as the Engineer just rolled his eyes and walked out of the rec room.
He knocked on Pyro's door to his room. A muffled noise, followed by a stifled cough came from the closed quarters. The Engineer let himself in and found Pyro in bed with the covers pulled up to its chin.
"Hey buddy, not feelin' well?" The Pyro mumbled yes and coughed again.
"Got a cold huh? Well, ol' Engie's here ta take care of ya. So, what can I do for ya?"
The Pyro pointed to the bookcase near its desk.
"You want me ta read ya a story? OK, which one?"
"Mmph in Mmmph."
The Engineer grabbed a red hardcover book and looked at the title. "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland." He smiled. "I haven't read this in years! Good choice, Pyro." The Engineer noticed a slip of colored paper stuck in between the pages. He opened the page to where the marker was and read the title of the poem.
"'Jabberwocky'. You want me to read this poem to you?"
"Mm-Mph!"
"No? Well, then what do you want me to do then?"
"Ummph mm Ph!"
"Oh, I see…" the Engineer was puzzled by his friend's strange request. He didn't know of any other poems similar to the one in the book. "Ah-HA!" An idea just popped into the Texan's head.
"How about I tell you about the Tentaspy?" He hoped this would spark the fire starter's curiosity. It did and Pyro nodded with excitement.
"OK then, let's began." The Engineer said, removing his hardhat and goggles. He pulled up a chair and laid the book in his lap and began to tell his story.