Legally Insane

"Whoa, Harley, have you seen the new shrink?" sighed Poison Ivy, as she returned to her cell and fell back on the bed. "What a babe! Didn't know they made doctors like that anymore! He can examine my head and anything else any time he wants!"

"What's that, Red?" murmured Harley Quinn, gazing dreamily at the picture of the Joker by her bed.

Ivy looked at her through the missing brick on the wall that seperated their cells, and rolled her eyes. "I said there's a really hot new shrink, not that you'd even notice. Think you've probably forgotten what hot even looks like," she muttered.

"That's nice, Red," sighed Harley, stroking the picture. "Ain't he just beautiful? My gorgeous, perfect puddin'."

"You're really sick in the head, Harley," sighed Ivy. "Just wait till you see this guy, though, he'll rip you right out of your delusions. God, I wouldn't mind him ripping some things off me..."

"I'm a lucky girl, Red," Harley murmured. "Just the luckiest girl in the world."

"I know we're both locked in this asylum, Harley, but frankly I'm insulted they think you're the same level of crazy as me," retorted Ivy. "At least I don't prefer some deformed, homicidal freak twice my age over some gorgeous, blue-eyed hunk of a man who…is standing right over there!" she exclaimed, sitting up and pointing at the glass.

Harley looked up and beamed as her face lit up in recognition. "Johnny!" she exclaimed, rushing toward the glass. "Dr. Johnny Bryan! What the heck are you doing here?"

"I got a transfer from the old hospital, Harley," said Johnny, smiling at her. "They offered me the position of psychiatrist here, and I took it. I was hoping I'd get to see you again, and it turns out I will. They've assigned you to me as my patient."

"Aw, gee, that's swell, Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, smiling. "We've got lots of catching up to do!"

"Won't you introduce me to your charming friend, Harley?" asked Poison Ivy, approaching the glass with a sultry smile.

"Oh yeah, sorry, I'm being rude," said Harley. "Um…Red, this is Dr. Jonathan Bryan. We used to work together back when I was a shrink. And Johnny, this is Poison Ivy…"

"My friends call me Red," murmured Ivy. "And I want us to be very good friends, Doctor."

"Oh please, it's Johnny," he said, smiling at her. "I don't like all this formality. I think doctors and patients should be able to be open and honest with each other, and treat each other like equals. I'll certainly be treating Harley as mine. Best psychiatrist I ever worked with."

"Aw, Johnny, you're just saying that," she said, beaming.

"You know I don't lie, Harley," he replied.

She smiled. "You're still a sweetheart, Johnny. A nice guy like you doesn't belong in a place like this, with the homicidals and the crazies. You ever find a nice girl to settle down with?"

"Um…no, not yet," he replied, looking a little embarrassed. He cleared his throat. "I don't have you on my list, Miss Ivy, but I do have your um…boyfriend, Harley? The Joker?"

She beamed. "Aw, you and Mr. J will get on like a house on fire! Two great guys having a nice, open, honest chat. You might even be able to cure him, Johnny! Not that I'd want him cured, but it would be a pretty impressive achievement for a psychiatrist."

"Well, I won't get my hopes up," he replied, smiling. "But thank you for your faith in me. You and he are…still a couple, then?"

"Oh yeah, me and Mr. J will be together forever," sighed Harley. "We're just so madly in love."

"I'm happy for you, Harley," Johnny replied, sincerely. "Well, I'll go check out my office, I guess. I just wanted to see you again before our sessions formally started. I had forgotten just how pretty you are."

"Aw, Johnny, you're making me blush!" giggled Harley. "You take care now, and stop by and see me anytime! Can't wait for the first session!"

She returned to her bed, gazing at the photograph of the Joker in adoration as Johnny left them. Poison Ivy stared after him until he was out of sight, then at Harley in disbelief.

"Harley," she murmured.

"Hmm?" murmured Harley, blowing kisses at the picture.

"Is he…interested in you?"

She looked up at her, surprised. "He might be, Red, yeah. He used to be. We had a date once, and it was nice, and he seemed pretty keen, but, y'know, nothing happened. Anyway, it's tough. I'm with Mr. J."

Ivy stared at her in utter disbelief. "You prefer the clown…to that?" she gasped. "Are you crazy?!"

"I'm in love with Mr. J," replied Harley. "So yeah, I guess I am."

"I can't believe you!" gasped Ivy. "He's just…gorgeous! And nice and sweet and just…perfect! And you prefer that sadistic, abusive, psychotic creep?! What the hell is the matter with you?!"

"Gee, Red, don't get so worked up over it," muttered Harley. "I'll put in a good word for you with Johnny, if you're so interested. But y'know, he deserves a really nice girl. And you ain't that, and neither am I. But maybe he'll find one someday."

Ivy just gaped at her in astonishment. She managed to get her disbelief under control at last – she shouldn't be surprised by Harley's insanity anymore, after all. She lay back down on her bed and shut her eyes, thinking about the gorgeous Dr. Bryan and wondering how she could go about changing his patient list.