Title: Pop Culture Invades Middle Earth
Chapter 1: Episode One
Author: Mystical Floyd
Email: mysticalfloyd@aol.com
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crossovers of many many things, swearing, talk of sex, slash-ish,
probably able to piss off a lot people.
Chapter Summery: The Pop Culture starts, and Figwit must save Elrond from
the WSBFEWNBOABYEWARFEBBAC (We Snack and Breakfast Food Elves Will Not Be
Oppressed Anymore By You Elves With Actual Reasons For Existing Besides a
Bad Advertisement Campaign) Mafia.
Disclaimer: Um...nothing is mine. Except for the idea. Everything else
belongs to the respective persons, except for Julia Roberts who no one
respects.
A/N: Everything said here is not all together true, they are just my views and the views of the majority of intelligent human beings, which are few and far between.
Much Love, Floyd.
Episode One:
Its was a fine day in the land of Middle Earth. The birds were chirping, the rivers were flowing, the appropriate characters were doing their daily angsting, and everyone was still concerning themselves with everything a good fantasy character should be concerned with.
But something was a little different today, instead of the normal fresh air smell there seemed to be the reek of Egg McMuffins. The birds seemed to be chirping "The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Music" and the calm air seemed to be shattered by canned laughter and censoring beeps.
Figwit woke up, like he always did, only now he noticed that nothing seemed to be normal in Rivendell, everything was modern. Not only that, but Figwit felt like he had mega uber big power.
Something was defiantly up.
He pulled off his covers. Something stared up at him...
"OH HOLY *BEEP*"
It was his toy rocking horse, its head had been severed off, and all around it lucky charms and a different arrangements of cookies had been pored. And beneath the piles of lucky charms and chocolate chips there was a note.
To Whomever the Cliché Hero Is,
We have kidnapped your leader, he has forgotten his place and he has refused to represent our kind for far too long. But now, there is a new leader Lord I'm Not Going To Tell You Who Because It Adds Suspense, Ha Ha Ha who understands our talents and excepts our gifts. Come to our lair to save your lord. We will not be oppressed any more by you unbelievers! We shall have equality!
Magically Deliciously Yours, Lucky. Second In Command of the WSBFEWNBOABYEWARFEBBAC (We Snack and Breakfast Food Elves Will Not Be Oppressed Anymore By You Elves With Actual Reasons For Existing Besides a Bad Advertisement Campaign) Mafia.
Figwit read the note with a curious look, trying to remember a group of elves that made Breakfast foods and Cookies. Sighing, because he could not remember any, he went to the next most reasonable idea: They were probably out of work orcs (gay, by the looks of the breakfast foods) getting even for the whole "Your too ugly to have ever been elves." Movement. No elf wanted their clothes washed by that filth. Ew.
Well if that was so, he, Figwit, the literally unknown, would save his Lord Elrond from the terrible WSBFEWN....whatever.
"Whoever you are, evil ones, I shall destroy you and your cookies until only crumbs are left!" He picked up one of the cookies and crumbled it into dust. While he was doing this, an amazing heroic composition started to play.
"You shall not be forgiven!"
He grabbed his sword, which had turned into a wooffle bat of many colors. He took it anyway, and as he reached for his bow and arrows he noticed that now they had turned into a large straw and an arrangement of little wads of paper, each of them sparkled with pride.
"Um...ok."
Canned Laughter.
He walked towards the door, now appropriately armed to face the terrifying new world ahead. But then, he remembered something he forgot.
"A hero cannot survive without a well balanced breakfast!"
He went back to his bed, and proceeded to much on the various cookies.
After his wonderful meal, Figwit walked through the new streets of Rivendell. He was getting more and more lost by the minute, it seemed everyone but him had been over come by this new power. That's what it was...somehow one of Elrond's enemies must have cast an illusion on all of Rivendell and he was the only one immune!
Or maybe his want to be the hero had finally taken over his fragile little mind and had driven him mad.
Either way, he was still getting the attention that he had always diserved, and that's all that mattered.
On his search for the secret lair, he ran into one of friends, Glorfindel, he never got the attention that he deserved either, they were two peas in a pod.
"Lord Figwit!" Glorfindel still had his sword and his bow. It seemed that Figwit was the only one with his new strange weapons.
"Yes?"
"Someone wants to met you, they say that they have the power to help you defeat this new evil that has come. Although, I don't think its all that evil do you?" A strange floating transparent old man who seemed to think that flatulence was incredibly funny, was floating at Glorfindel's side.
Figwit struck a heroic pose, "If this power has stolen our lord, then it must evil! And it must be DEFEATED!!"
He flashed a smile, and his teeth gleamed.
"I don't know Figwit, Elrond was always kind of annoying. And plus, the seamstresses were always going over there budget because of his requests for elaborate dresses. Now the seamstresses aren't on strike and we have all these cool breakfast foods and cookies."
Figwit secretly agreed, but he would not ruin his new found role as the hero. "Well...do you know where the... WSBFE..."
"...WNBOABYEWARFEBBAC lair is? No I don't, but my friend does. Jar Jar!" The flatulent old man stood hovering, but behind him, a strange being with green skin and flopping ears came stumbling up, "Missa is a missa is a namesey is Jar Jar..." and then he tripped over his own feet and went flying past Figwit, successfully knocking over The Monkeys and New Kids on the Block who had just gone walking by.
"Oh Missa so sorries! Here lets me helps yous!"
They got up, saw the creature, and ran screaming away for their lives.
This did not help Figwit's trust in this character.
"Oh, Figwit friend! I shalls help yous, missa is a goods person, give missa a missa try, missa!"
"And you know where to find the...mafia?" Figwit inched away from Jar Jar. "Glorfindel, you keep strange company these days..."
"Oh I haven't introduced you completely yet have I? This is Peeves the poltergeist, he was a very popular character in the Harry Potter books, but was left out of Warner Bros' movies even though he was a VERY IMPORTANT CHARACTER! Isn't that right Peeves?"
"Yes! I was very important, I was. I gave the story much needed fart jokes and I also gave the story more pranks. People say that the story was already too comedic even without me there, and that Fred and George Weasley were the pranksters of the story, but that doesn't matter! They cut me out, and so I'm going to spread my pranks around the world to show just how important I really am!"
Figwit just stared as Peeves proceeded to throw whoopee cushions all across Rivendell.
"And...what about Jun Jun here?" The alien stood by Figwit waving his finger at him, "Missa not touching yous, missa not touching yous..."
"Jar Jar just keeps following me around, telling me about how he needs to tell you where The Mafia is and he also wants to take you to see 'The Magical Mystery Tour Bus' or something of the sort..."
"That's ises rights! Missa met nicey men who wantses to talksies to yousies." Jar Jar nodded his head up and down his ears flapping Glorfindel in the face.
This all sounded strange to Figwit, but he was willing to go along with it if only the creature could answer him one question.
"Why must you talk like that?"
Jar Jar looked up and him; staring dumbly. Figwit thought that he would not answer his question at first but then the alien cleared its throat.
"Well, my good man, you see I was created by the once brilliant George Lucas, for his movie 'Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace'. The movie was a long expected sequel, but sadly...something happened to my creator over time..."
Everyone hunkered down closer to Jar Jar surprised to here him talking so...well...not annoying. "He...he sold out."
And you could almost here George Lucas in the background getting ready to defend his "art".
"I was created for comic relief, like C3P0 and R2D2 before me. But unlike them, I was written in a frantic attempt to get a Pepsi and Pizza Hut sponsorship. I was also written to appeal to the ages of Born Yesterday and 6 months. The pot smokers, the intellectually challenged, the cinematic maschocists, people who enjoy shoving crayons up their noses, in general most of America. I am like this simply because George Lucas is a money grubbing mother BEEP. Oh and also, he likes using special effects to cover for his atrocious writing abilities."
Star Wars fans across the nation, applauded Jar Jar, for the first time in his sad sad life.
"And that, my friends, is why I must talk like that."
Figwit stood open jawed, understanding nothing, but impressed non-the-less by his new companion.
"So, missa shows you the ways tosies the Migically Mysteries Tourses Bus like thingy?"
Figwit had a feeling that it would be the last time that he would ever be impressed by Jar Jar Binks.
~TBC~
A/N: Please review, any mistakes please tell me. Anyone who would like to be a beta reader please review! Any body you would like to see later on? Any suggestions as far as the story goes, please review!
Oh and BTW: The views expressed here in no means represent anybody but myself. And my pet dog Patsy, Patsy...you have supported all my endeavors, thank you so much.
PS: Patsy probably doesn't have these views either, so please Patsy, don't sue me.
A/N: Everything said here is not all together true, they are just my views and the views of the majority of intelligent human beings, which are few and far between.
Much Love, Floyd.
Episode One:
Its was a fine day in the land of Middle Earth. The birds were chirping, the rivers were flowing, the appropriate characters were doing their daily angsting, and everyone was still concerning themselves with everything a good fantasy character should be concerned with.
But something was a little different today, instead of the normal fresh air smell there seemed to be the reek of Egg McMuffins. The birds seemed to be chirping "The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Music" and the calm air seemed to be shattered by canned laughter and censoring beeps.
Figwit woke up, like he always did, only now he noticed that nothing seemed to be normal in Rivendell, everything was modern. Not only that, but Figwit felt like he had mega uber big power.
Something was defiantly up.
He pulled off his covers. Something stared up at him...
"OH HOLY *BEEP*"
It was his toy rocking horse, its head had been severed off, and all around it lucky charms and a different arrangements of cookies had been pored. And beneath the piles of lucky charms and chocolate chips there was a note.
To Whomever the Cliché Hero Is,
We have kidnapped your leader, he has forgotten his place and he has refused to represent our kind for far too long. But now, there is a new leader Lord I'm Not Going To Tell You Who Because It Adds Suspense, Ha Ha Ha who understands our talents and excepts our gifts. Come to our lair to save your lord. We will not be oppressed any more by you unbelievers! We shall have equality!
Magically Deliciously Yours, Lucky. Second In Command of the WSBFEWNBOABYEWARFEBBAC (We Snack and Breakfast Food Elves Will Not Be Oppressed Anymore By You Elves With Actual Reasons For Existing Besides a Bad Advertisement Campaign) Mafia.
Figwit read the note with a curious look, trying to remember a group of elves that made Breakfast foods and Cookies. Sighing, because he could not remember any, he went to the next most reasonable idea: They were probably out of work orcs (gay, by the looks of the breakfast foods) getting even for the whole "Your too ugly to have ever been elves." Movement. No elf wanted their clothes washed by that filth. Ew.
Well if that was so, he, Figwit, the literally unknown, would save his Lord Elrond from the terrible WSBFEWN....whatever.
"Whoever you are, evil ones, I shall destroy you and your cookies until only crumbs are left!" He picked up one of the cookies and crumbled it into dust. While he was doing this, an amazing heroic composition started to play.
"You shall not be forgiven!"
He grabbed his sword, which had turned into a wooffle bat of many colors. He took it anyway, and as he reached for his bow and arrows he noticed that now they had turned into a large straw and an arrangement of little wads of paper, each of them sparkled with pride.
"Um...ok."
Canned Laughter.
He walked towards the door, now appropriately armed to face the terrifying new world ahead. But then, he remembered something he forgot.
"A hero cannot survive without a well balanced breakfast!"
He went back to his bed, and proceeded to much on the various cookies.
After his wonderful meal, Figwit walked through the new streets of Rivendell. He was getting more and more lost by the minute, it seemed everyone but him had been over come by this new power. That's what it was...somehow one of Elrond's enemies must have cast an illusion on all of Rivendell and he was the only one immune!
Or maybe his want to be the hero had finally taken over his fragile little mind and had driven him mad.
Either way, he was still getting the attention that he had always diserved, and that's all that mattered.
On his search for the secret lair, he ran into one of friends, Glorfindel, he never got the attention that he deserved either, they were two peas in a pod.
"Lord Figwit!" Glorfindel still had his sword and his bow. It seemed that Figwit was the only one with his new strange weapons.
"Yes?"
"Someone wants to met you, they say that they have the power to help you defeat this new evil that has come. Although, I don't think its all that evil do you?" A strange floating transparent old man who seemed to think that flatulence was incredibly funny, was floating at Glorfindel's side.
Figwit struck a heroic pose, "If this power has stolen our lord, then it must evil! And it must be DEFEATED!!"
He flashed a smile, and his teeth gleamed.
"I don't know Figwit, Elrond was always kind of annoying. And plus, the seamstresses were always going over there budget because of his requests for elaborate dresses. Now the seamstresses aren't on strike and we have all these cool breakfast foods and cookies."
Figwit secretly agreed, but he would not ruin his new found role as the hero. "Well...do you know where the... WSBFE..."
"...WNBOABYEWARFEBBAC lair is? No I don't, but my friend does. Jar Jar!" The flatulent old man stood hovering, but behind him, a strange being with green skin and flopping ears came stumbling up, "Missa is a missa is a namesey is Jar Jar..." and then he tripped over his own feet and went flying past Figwit, successfully knocking over The Monkeys and New Kids on the Block who had just gone walking by.
"Oh Missa so sorries! Here lets me helps yous!"
They got up, saw the creature, and ran screaming away for their lives.
This did not help Figwit's trust in this character.
"Oh, Figwit friend! I shalls help yous, missa is a goods person, give missa a missa try, missa!"
"And you know where to find the...mafia?" Figwit inched away from Jar Jar. "Glorfindel, you keep strange company these days..."
"Oh I haven't introduced you completely yet have I? This is Peeves the poltergeist, he was a very popular character in the Harry Potter books, but was left out of Warner Bros' movies even though he was a VERY IMPORTANT CHARACTER! Isn't that right Peeves?"
"Yes! I was very important, I was. I gave the story much needed fart jokes and I also gave the story more pranks. People say that the story was already too comedic even without me there, and that Fred and George Weasley were the pranksters of the story, but that doesn't matter! They cut me out, and so I'm going to spread my pranks around the world to show just how important I really am!"
Figwit just stared as Peeves proceeded to throw whoopee cushions all across Rivendell.
"And...what about Jun Jun here?" The alien stood by Figwit waving his finger at him, "Missa not touching yous, missa not touching yous..."
"Jar Jar just keeps following me around, telling me about how he needs to tell you where The Mafia is and he also wants to take you to see 'The Magical Mystery Tour Bus' or something of the sort..."
"That's ises rights! Missa met nicey men who wantses to talksies to yousies." Jar Jar nodded his head up and down his ears flapping Glorfindel in the face.
This all sounded strange to Figwit, but he was willing to go along with it if only the creature could answer him one question.
"Why must you talk like that?"
Jar Jar looked up and him; staring dumbly. Figwit thought that he would not answer his question at first but then the alien cleared its throat.
"Well, my good man, you see I was created by the once brilliant George Lucas, for his movie 'Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace'. The movie was a long expected sequel, but sadly...something happened to my creator over time..."
Everyone hunkered down closer to Jar Jar surprised to here him talking so...well...not annoying. "He...he sold out."
And you could almost here George Lucas in the background getting ready to defend his "art".
"I was created for comic relief, like C3P0 and R2D2 before me. But unlike them, I was written in a frantic attempt to get a Pepsi and Pizza Hut sponsorship. I was also written to appeal to the ages of Born Yesterday and 6 months. The pot smokers, the intellectually challenged, the cinematic maschocists, people who enjoy shoving crayons up their noses, in general most of America. I am like this simply because George Lucas is a money grubbing mother BEEP. Oh and also, he likes using special effects to cover for his atrocious writing abilities."
Star Wars fans across the nation, applauded Jar Jar, for the first time in his sad sad life.
"And that, my friends, is why I must talk like that."
Figwit stood open jawed, understanding nothing, but impressed non-the-less by his new companion.
"So, missa shows you the ways tosies the Migically Mysteries Tourses Bus like thingy?"
Figwit had a feeling that it would be the last time that he would ever be impressed by Jar Jar Binks.
~TBC~
A/N: Please review, any mistakes please tell me. Anyone who would like to be a beta reader please review! Any body you would like to see later on? Any suggestions as far as the story goes, please review!
Oh and BTW: The views expressed here in no means represent anybody but myself. And my pet dog Patsy, Patsy...you have supported all my endeavors, thank you so much.
PS: Patsy probably doesn't have these views either, so please Patsy, don't sue me.