"...Hawkeye?"
"Yeah?" He manages to hide that he's startled, but only just. He didn't hear Beej come in, but that's BJ's voice, no doubt about it. He'd recognize his best friend anywhere, could pick him out in a crowd by voice alone. It's comforting and jarring at the same time, for reasons he can't quite explain. "I thought you were on duty," he says, keeping his voice level.
"I wanted to check in on you."
"Colonel Potter won't like that."
"Kellye's covering for me. Besides, Potter will understand. I just… had to check up on you, Hawk."
"I'd say it's good to see you," Hawk starts. "But my eyes have taken a vacation, the little traitors. Did anyone ever tell you that you have a very nice voice? You could do radio."
"Thanks." There's a pause, and he's sure that Beej is taking in the scene. "Hawk, I'm not usually one to question your genius… but what are you doing?"
He sighed, frustrated, shaking his head. "What does it look like I'm doing, Beej?"
There's a pause, and Hawk can practically hear the wheels turning in Beej's head. Which is good, because he can't see the expression on BJ's face. "I have no idea," Beej says after a long silence, and Hawk stops, because Beej just sounds... confused. And worried.
For the first time since the accident, Hawkeye stops. And then he sags, landing on Frank's newly short-sheeted cot. "Me neither," he says. He wishes he could see the look on BJ's face, and realizes with a flash of panic that he suddenly can't tell what BJ is thinking. He feels like he's drowning, and his hand is reaching out before he can stop himself, and then there's a warm hand in his, and the cot creaks, and he takes the first deep breath he has in days.
Beej is beside him, his hand clasped firmly in Hawkeye's. "Hawk?"
"I was short-sheeting the bed for Ferret Face."
He can tell Beej is smiling, and then BJ's arm is around his shoulder. "What's really going on, Hawk?"
He swallows, and is grateful for Beej's hand, an anchor, so that he can hold on tight. He wants to admit it, but he can't, he just... can't say the words.
I'm not ready, Beej. I can be as stoic as I like, but I'm not ready to never see your face again. I can handle a lot of things, but God, not that.
"Y'know, Beej, when nobody's around, I just... I'm drowning in silence here, Beej. I need to keep busy, or it goes quiet in my head too and I start thinking." Thinking about all the lives I've saved, and how I may never save a life again, and I could never see Crabapple Cove, and never see your face again, and if I think too much, it starts to scare me.
"Thinking? That's a dangerous occupation, Hawk." The knots in his chest loosen a bit, because Beej understands, he knows, and he gets what Hawkeye is saying, and he feels a sudden burst of gratitude to his best friend. He'd kiss him if he could see, and if he wasn't worried about upsetting this fragile balance they have, which dances between romantic and platonic in the most heartbreaking way.
"It's the last time I ever do something nice," he says at last, trying to muster up his sense of humor, hoping that if he can make a joke, Beej will worry a bit less.
There's a snort from BJ, and he grins to himself, because he knows that didn't deserve a real laugh anyway, and he can practically hear Beej's worry lines. I always thought I'd give him grey hair, not worry lines. "That's a lie."
"You're right. I'm just that kind of guy."
"You are." It's softer than before, and Hawk stops in his tracks, forgetting what he was going to say. He wishes so dearly to know what Beej looks like right now, what kind of expressions are accompanying the words. You are.
"Beej?"
"Yeah, Hawk?"
You'll still love me without eyes, won't you? "I sure am glad we met back when I was beautiful."
Beej laughs again. "You are beautiful, Hawk." And then Hawk feels him stand, and nearly jumps out of his skin when something soft lands on the top of his head. "You are beautiful," Beej says again, squeezing his hand, before letting go at last, and Hawk immediately misses the contact. "I'll send Radar in."
"Don't forget to pay the babysitter," Hawk says, absentmindedly, thinking of how he'd prefer Beej to stick around, but Beej is on duty and shouldn't be here in the first place. The thought that he's snuck away briefly to see Hawk… is comforting. But Hawkeye is still afraid. He can't put a name to the fear, but it has nothing to do with the future, and everything to do with BJ. "Beej? Please come back."
It may just be that people leave without notes, and without saying goodbye and it was enough to handle when I could see, but if you leave me now, I'll never see you again, and I can't handle that. I can take a lot of things, but not that.
"Don't worry, Hawkeye, I'm not going anywhere. I'm coming back as soon as I can." It's reassuring, and Hawk can tell, even without seeing BJ's face, that he means it.
The door to the Swamp creaks a few seconds later, and Hawk sits on Frank's bed for a few minutes, before understanding: Beej kissed the top of his head. Hawkeye feels like crying, but isn't sure he can, and that's more frustrating than anything. Why'd you do it Beej? he wonders, and then of course, isn't it obvious Hawk? The answer is there, has probably always been there, but Hawk has remained oblivious. And look where it's gotten him.
Great, he thinks, a bit bitterly. It took being blinded for me to figure it out.
And then he has to hope that it isn't out of pity, and some small traitorous part of him wishes for more, wishes for Beej to come back and fill this sudden hollow space in Hawk's chest by giving him the one thing he's not free to give: a real kiss. There's an ache in his throat, and Radar talks on, but it's still gone quiet again in Hawkeye's head. It's a bit of that same panic he's felt in the silence before, the consuming dread that makes it hard to breathe, the fears and doubts trying to drown him.
At the same time, though awash in a sea of uncertainty, he can still feel Beej's kiss against his head, and thinking of that, his anchor holds.