Chloe was pulled from her sleep as she felt the weight in the bed shifting, suddenly noticing how cold she felt. Her eyes, blurry from sleep, swept to her side, noticing that Beca was gone. Normally, she might brush the girl's absence off, imagining that she just went to get a glass of water or something. However, tonight was different.
Tonight, Chloe noticed the red flags waving around her brain. Something was wrong. She couldn't say what, or why, or how she came to this conclusion, but here she was.
Rubbing her eyes in a hopeless attempt to wipe the sleep from them, Chloe unwrapped herself from the grey comforter. Her feet came in contact with the cool, wood floor, and she tiptoed slowly to the bathroom, where she could see the faint glow of the light seeping under the door.
As she grew closer, Chloe could have sworn she heard faint whimpers. The same red flags from earlier rising up even higher, thrashing around aggressively in her mind, forcing her to pay attention to them.
Chloe reached the door, pausing for just a moment. This time, she was sure. She had heard faint cries. She knocked on the door with the utmost tenderness. "Becs?," the redhead muttered, her voice raspy and barely audible.
Nothing. "Beca? Are you okay baby?" Chloe couldn't help the obvious panic rising in her own voice.
The silence continued on for a few moments. It was deafening. Chloe was about to turn the door handle to check on the girl herself when she heard Beca clearing her throat, "uh.. yeah. Yeah, totally. I'm fine. Go back to bed Chlo, i'll be right there."
Chloe sighed softly, "No you aren't Beca. Can I come in?" Thoughtlessly, she rested her forehead on the door.
More silence. Chloe knew Beca likely wouldn't appreciate her barging into the bathroom, but the unsettled feeling in her stomach wasn't going away, and she was hearing no reply from the brunette. She turned the handle quietly, stepping into the light of the bathroom, harsh in comparison to her nearly pitch-black bedroom.
Chloe's breath hitched, a lump forming in her throat. Beca didn't react to her sudden presence, instead focused on her own thigh. Fresh, angry, red lines were strewn all across her girlfriend. The crimson substance was escaping the confines of Beca's pale skin, creating a stark contrast.
Chloe wasn't even sure if Beca had realized she'd entered. It took everything in her to choke back the tears that were gathering at an alarming pace in her eyes. "Becs… what happened?"
Beca's head quickly snapped up to look at the redhead, standing in the doorway, appearing absolutely heartbroken. For a moment, just a moment, she considered pushing Chloe away. Brushing this all off, lashing out at her for barging in… but that wouldn't do any good, and she knew that. It would just hurt Chloe even more. And if there's one thing Beca can't handle, it's hurting Chloe.
The redhead could see the conflict in Beca's eyes. She knew the brunette was having a hard time with this. "Let me in Beca, please."
With those words, tears flooded Beca's eyes again. She'd been crying earlier, that much was clear. Her face was stained with tear tracks and her eyes were bloodshot, "Chlo…" she whimpered softly, her voice shaky and laced with pain.
Another part of Chloe's heart chipped away upon hearing Beca's use of the redhead's nickname. Her voice was raspy and cracking as fresh tears slid down her face.
In an instant, Chloe had grabbed the dark blue towel hanging from the bathroom door, and looked at Beca. pleading the brunette to let Chloe take care of her. Beca had a look on her face that the older bella couldn't identify, which was odd.
Chloe knows Beca like the back of her hand. Inside and out. She knows what makes her tick, and what to do when she's upset. She knows which smiles are forced and which tone of voice is dangerous. She also knows when the brunette is holding back laughter and when she's joking around.
She really knows Beca. But this look was something Chloe was sure she'd never seen before, and to be honest, that scared her.
Beca let out a slow breath before nodding her head ever so slightly, granting the redhead permission. Chloe softly dabbed at the cuts, some blood still trickling out. Her steel blue eyes drifted up to the dj. She spoke gently, "what happened, Becs?"
The brunette refused to make eye contact, riddled completely with guilt and shame, "I just…. I needed to quiet the noise. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry.".
Upon hearing the girl apologize, Chloe furrowed her brow, "you don't need to apologize, Beca. You had a relapse, it happens. I understand."
More hot tears stained Beca's cheeks as she listened to her girlfriend's words, "no, I do. I woke you up. it's two in the morning and you're here cleaning cuts I inflicted on myself. All because I'm too weak to cope with my own head."
Chloe found her eyes stinging with tears once again, "God, Beca, no. Don't you dare blame yourself. I would much rather be here with you than asleep, completely oblivious to the pain you're in. Becs, I would do anything for you." By this point, Chloe had just finished cleaning and dressing the brunette's fresh wounds. "You are the strongest person I have ever known. Did you know that?"
You'd think that when someone walks in on you intentionally harming yourself, you'd already be rendered vulnerable. By default, perhaps. It's seemingly inevitable. However, Chloe could see that it wasn't until that moment that Beca's walls came crumbling down, "Chloe…" the brunette sobbed.
"Come here," Chloe mumbled softly, engulfing the younger woman and pulling her close. "It's okay. I'm here. It's okay. You're okay Becs," she affirmed, though not sure if she was convincing Beca, or herself.
So there they sat, Chloe holding Beca tightly and protectively in her arms, both girls letting their tears run freely down their faces, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. You deserve better, Chloe."
"Rebecca Mitchell, don't you ever say that again. I don't want anyone else. I want you. You're the most kind, thoughtful, honest, amazing person I've ever met and I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I love you," Chloe declared, with a special softness in her voice that only Chloe could manage while sounding so firm at the same time.
Beca stayed silent at this, letting her girlfriend's words sink in. "I love you too Chloe. So, so much," she croaked. With another thought, she added, "thank you. For caring about me. And for taking care of me. You don't need to do this, but you do. And it means a lot."
Chloe knew she didn't need to reply, instead throwing the brunette a reassuring smile, "I think it's time to go back to bed, huh?," she announced.
That night, the two lovers fell asleep peacefully, tangled together, thoughts filled with each other. Beca knew this wouldn't be the end of her struggles, as did Chloe, but in that moment, they found solace in the fact that whatever happened, they would have each other.