Warning; Depictions of an eating disorder. If you are easily triggered, please don't read this.
She stands in front of the mirror, tracing her bones. The hollows of her stomach, the hip bones that jut out, the ribs that will never be prominent enough. Her bones are the only thing that comfort her now in this downward spiral. She knows she's thin - she knows she's ill too, in the head, in the body, but she doesn't care. She'll never care because Ana keeps telling her to loose more, because she'll never be good enough, because she actually is huge.
As the sound of someone shuffling along the hall fills her ears she tugs her jumper down rapidly and falls against her bed, the absence of her bones under her fingers making the cold that invades her body constantly hit her again.
"You okay, Ginny?" Hermione asks.
"I'm fine." She forces a smile, but really, it's hardly forced now because it's just a smile. A smile doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean she's happy - it's never going to mean that. Really, how many smiles are actually real? She bets not very many, because no one is really happy… happiness doesn't exist, in her opinion, it's just an idea.
What no one will understand, what she doesn't fully understand, is that she'll never be okay. She's been pushed to the side for so long, not mattered for so long, and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will make someone notice her, this will make someone care, this will make Harry love her.
But honestly? She doesn't think she wants Harry… not really. She'd ruin him just like she ruined herself - day by day, hour by hour, second by second. She thinks so little of herself now that she would never really be able to believe he truly felt the same - she would always be thinking that he thinks she's as ugly as she thinks that she is, and it would unravel her completely.
She wants to break down - to cry her eyes out and hate herself for doing something so terrible to herself. But she doesn't, because really, she's proud that she can do this to herself. She can control something, even if it's her body, even if everything else is spiraling out of control, even if it's killing her, she can control it. She can starve her body, make it want something, and she loves it because finally, it's control.
She turns over, and notices Hermione staring at her oddly. She knows why it is - Hermione sees it too. The disgusting person, the fat and the lies, she disgusts Hermione, she knows she does.
"Do you want some of my chocoballs?" Hermione offers her the packet.
Ginny shakes her head, "No. No thank you." She hates the little bit of anger that bubbles up inside of her, because Hermione is tempting her - it's not Hermione's fault, no, but it's not Ginny's fault either. It's Ana's fault - all of this is her fault.
One day, she decides, someone will notice this. It doesn't matter if she's on her death bed - it doesn't matter if this kills her, it's killing her already and she really doesn't care, but they'll notice. They'll notice and she'll matter and they'll all have to feel bad - everyone who overlooked the Weasley girl, the girl in love with Harry Potter, the idiot who confided in Tom Riddle and nearly killed herself. They'll feel something.
She slides her fingers up her jumper and runs them across her hip bone, trying to calm herself down before Hermione notices that something is wrong. How is it that she can have a loving, supportive and large family, a good friend in her room right now, and be lonely? She doesn't know, but she feels like the loneliest person in the world and all she ever really wants to do is just scream.
It's the same cycle, day in day out, yet she doesn't know when it started and she doesn't think it will ever end.
She weighs herself four times a day.
Someone offers her food, and she politely declines.
She pushes food around her plate, so it looks like she's eaten something.
She hides food, puts it on others plates when they aren't looking, feigns illness, quite easily skips meals at school.
And if she can't hide the food, if she has to eat? Well, then it's hello to fingers down throat over the toilet bowl.
Things might spiral out of control, but she always finds herself back on track.
She lies, says she's ill, she's studying, she's tired, she's eaten already, she's full.
She might stop counting calories for a few days, but she always finds herself back in front of the mirror with Ana screaming into her ears.
No one notices, no one ever notices.
She might have tried to fix herself, but not anymore. She always ends up in that same place, and she's just not fixable anymore.
Today, she realizes that over anything, she's angry. She's not sad anymore, but she's - of course - not happy, either. She's angry, and she's frustrated. Ana promised her happiness, she promised her beauty, and above all, she promised her perfection. But she's not perfect, she's everything but perfect. She's a liar, she's ugly, and she's disgusting. And now, everything - the compliments, the kind words, the friendly utterances, even the giggles are all so hard to hear over Ana's screams.
Her mind is this… this pit. It's a pit of empty promises and filthy lies. Somewhere where she's still overlooked, always going to be overlooked. A place where she's insulted, goaded, attacked. It's not the nice place, the beautiful place, the best place that was promised to her - it's the worst place of all because it's in her mind, and her and Ana are the only people in it. If she believed in hell, she knows this is what hell would be.
Once upon a time, all of this seemed like the answer to all of her problems.
But really, it plummeted her into her worst nightmares.
Yes, she decides - all that glitters really isn't gold.
A/N- *Breathes deep* that was really…really hard to write, but I like it, I think. I'm fully aware that this is a sensitive issue for many, and it is a sensitive issue for myself too so I fully understand that. This was written for the Speed of Lightning Competition, with the prompt "All that glitters is not gold." - I tried to write the prompt into the story, but to me, the line really fit in at the end too, so I hope you can all see that. I really hope that you all like this.
Reviews are appreciated ever so much!
Oh, and by the way, this is set in Ginny's third year, summer holidays. For the purposes of the story, Hermione is there - I don't know if she actually was.