He Is My Light
It's been three years since the infection took hold of my eyes, and it hasn't let go since. Every day – no, for me, there are no "days." There are only "nights." And every night, I sink further and further into despair. Here, there is no light; there is only darkness, the kind that engulfs you and squeezes your life between its fingers, the kind that sucks every happy feeling out of you and eats it up in front of you.
That's been this way the past three years, every damn night. I lose more and more hope as time goes on, and less and less people visit me. No amount of comforting words can release me from this prison that is my own mind. Darker and darker thoughts swirl in my brain, and it's not easy to hold myself back from maiming myself, except that I'm shackled to the bed I'm trapped in.
"Jaeger, you do realize this is just a precaution," Commander Irvin had said. "We can't have you breaking out in Titan form." He and the rest of the Recon Corps had dumped me back into the lame dungeon I was in before the military trial.
I hadn't said anything back; after all, it was the Commander speaking. Still, I wonder, if I did transform, would I have been able to see?
By now, there is no more strength in my body, heart, or mind to even try. I've given a long time ago. Not to the Corps, no. But I've given in to myself, and the infection that ails me. Every day was a living hell, as my vision worsens, as the white creeps closer and closer to the center of my vision. And then, the "nights" began, when the white swallowed all the color, and there was nothing else left.
Moaning, I let myself lay back. I try to set goals, try not to make it obvious that I want to leave this world, so I focus myself on my next meal time. Hanji should be here soon with food that she spoon feeds, along with scientific talk about her experiments with Titans. Her talks in the morning, noon, and night are the most interesting things I experience all day, so I bite my lip and let her go at it. I'm the only one that bothers to listen to her, but I don't tell her that every time she mentions the Titans, my heart wrenches just a bit.
I miss the outside world. I miss fighting. I miss Mikasa and Armin, and the rest of my teammates. I miss being able to see. I miss being able to avenge my mother. Yes, that is the most important thing to me, right? I'm not so sure anymore.
Light footsteps approach the cell. They're not Hanji's footsteps; her's are heavier and always accompanied with a happy "Eren! I'm here!" I don't recognize these footfalls; they are not Armin's nor Mikasa's, or the Commander's. I wonder who is bothering to visit now. At first, when the infection first hit, people came by in droves. But as time went by, as I showed no sign of getting better, people gave up on me. Deaths and changes in rank and military strategies took priority in their minds. I don't like to think they've given up on me, or have forgotten me, because that only adds to the loneliness that chews up small parts of me and spits it back out. Lately, Hanji is the only one who comes, give or take the occasional visit from my friends or the Commander.
Even Jean has left me.
The door to the cell rattles open. The person enters quietly, dropping the tray onto the bedside table with the soft accompaniment of clinking utensils.
"Yo, brat," a familiar voice greets me. Oh, God. It's him. Corporal Levi. I forgot what his voice sounds like, after a year or so of not listening to it. He, like the others, visited often at the beginning, but eventually got caught up in duties. But he was different than the others. It was his visits I most craved, his name that I called out in the middle of the night. Yes, when I was trapped in utter darkness, he would be there by my side, coaxing me through dark thoughts and tears.
He was the light in my darkness.
Suddenly, there's a spoonful of soup in my mouth and I swallow it gratefully. Food is starting to get sparse, and that much is obvious, given my decreasing portions. After all, I don't do anything. I'm just a hungry mouth to feed. I don't talk as he scrapes up the rest of the food and crams in into my mouth. I think he ate some of my bread, but I don't complain.
After all, he's taking the time to visit me.
There's a soft sigh that emanates from him and I try to smile. But it's been a while.
"How has it been going, Corporal Levi?"
"Ah, I'm not a Corporal anymore," he says dully. "But it has been well, thank you very much."
I'm really out of the loop, huh? I bite my lip and try not to cry, but it's hard for me to hold back. I haven't felt this sort of want, this sort of desire in a while. "Levi," I say, sounding on the verge of being desperate, "talk to me. Let me hear your voice."
So he starts talking. He talks about the people he works with, the newest recruits to the Corps, the different squads that are forming. He tells me about the different strategies they employ to try to take back Wall Maria. I wonder…if Wall Rose breaks, will I be left here, to surrender under the will of the Titans? Would they possibly have the heart to move me away?
"I would like to go outside," I say. "Just once. I've been down here for a really long time."
"No," he says sternly. "We all know that you can't." That's right. It's too dangerous. My walks are confined to the little garden upstairs. I can't leave this compound; chances are I'll never leave this district, even if I try to escape. And if I did? Someone would probably stab through me with a blade.
I consider whining, but it's no use. Levi is cold-hearted and awful to reason with, and I don't want to lose his company. So, instead, I cry deeply inside.
"I miss you," I say quietly.
"Huh? What are you saying?" he asks gruffly, displeased at being interrupted while telling a story about Hanji's antics.
"I miss you," I say louder. "I miss you, and everyone else. I miss the world outside, the smell and feel of fresh air. But you know what? It doesn't even hold a candle light to how much I regret not being able to avenge my mother.
"I wanted to eradicate all the Titans. I wanted to kill them all! Look where that got me," I mutter bitterly. Maybe I should've died with my mother. Because, then, I wouldn't have had to suffer so much.
He doesn't say anything for a while, but I can tell he's thinking heavily. I hear his soft breaths and the creaking of the stool as he shifts his weight uncomfortably. In the end, I put him into a really awkward position. There's nothing he can say that'll make me feel better, at this point. After a period of prolonged silence, he sighs.
"Jaeger, – no, Eren, what do you expect me to say?" He sounds hesitant, despite him being the most confident person I know. "Your situation is obviously not ideal, far from it. I can't even begin to imagine how unhappy you feel. But, you can't let this go to your head."
"You don't understand," I say miserably. "I just don't want to be here anymore."
He frowns, or at least I think he does. "You're right. I don't understand anything. I guess…I'll speak with Irvin. You've been down here long enough. I suppose you need a change of pace."
I can't help but thank him profusely. After all, being trapped here as a prisoner has taken a toll on me, especially with no one for company other than my own thoughts. For once, someone listens to me, to what I have to say! Maybe, just maybe, everything will turn back to normal, other than my vision. I will be able to navigate within the district like everyone else. I'll be a burden, somewhat, but Mikasa will help me. I'll live peacefully within the walls, and one day, when the Titans are all gone, I'll go outside again.
"I think," he says suddenly, "it will be the only and last thing I'll do for you."
The shackles around my sore arms clang as I desperately turn myself towards his voice. "What? What are you saying, Levi?"
I hear him audibly gulp. Whatever this is about, he let it slip.
"LEVI!" I shout. "Tell me!
Sucking in a breath, he proceeds to tell me about the newest mission Irvin designed. It's suicide, that's what it is. A little party of thirty soldiers is heading out to consolidate the rest of the supply route that's been a work in progress for years. The Corps have been experiencing little success in recruits for the past two classes, and the numbers of their teams are dwindling. That's why they can only afford to send out a little party this time. Hopefully, hopefully…
But Levi isn't invincible.
"You…you can't go!" I cry out loud. Warm tears start to gush from my eyes. "You can't leave me. Please don't leave me." For the first time in three years, I feel something flow through my emotionless body. Something tingly, something warm, something I feel in Levi's company. Something I am going to miss dearly if he leaves.
"What if you never come back? Don't do that to me. You're the only one I have left. I feel…I feel alive around you." I sob disgustingly, my shackles causing a ruckus as my body trembles. "Please, please, please, please. If you leave me here," I whisper, "I'll already be dead."
"I'm sorry, Eren," he says. "I can't just abandon my mission. You have friends, others that will take care of you."
"No," I scream. "You don't understand. You'll never understand." I take a deep breath. "You're special." I turn my head to approximately where he's sitting. "You're different from everyone else. I want you to always be here for me, so I don't have to face my fears alone."
I feel a warm hand grasp mine. Our fingers interlace tightly, as his other arm wraps around me, pulling me into an embrace. Silent tears stream down my face as I scream in silent agony into his shoulder. "I'll never leave you," he whispers in my ear. "I'll always be there, in your heart. Don't worry, I'll come back. I'll come back alive. I'll always come back to you."
Three long years.
He breaks away from the embrace and plants a kiss on my cheek. Out of sheer shock, I don't say anything. But I'm still crying. I never knew he felt this way with me, too. "It's been three years since I've been able to see your face," I sob. "You can't just leave now. You have three long years to make up. Three years of stories and your voice and happiness."
"I'm sorry," he says regrettably. "Eren, I really am." He cups my cheek in his hand. "I have to leave, though." Slowly, he wipes away my tears with his thumb. He waits until I stop crying.
"Don't go," I whisper. "Don't go, don't go, don't go. Don't leave me here." There's nothing I can say to sway him, and that's clear to the both of us. He untangles our fingers, staying remarkably silent. There is the scraping of the stool and the clang as the cell door opens.
"Levi? I love you," I say. "Please."
He doesn't say anything back. The footsteps are leaving.
"I love you! Don't leave me! Levi! Don't go!"
Silence.
He doesn't love me. He did it all to shut me up.
The betrayal hurts the most, I think.
"Levi, Levi, Levi." The sounds of quiet sobs fill the cell again. "You were my light. I love you. I love you. I love you."
I do not think he will come back. So when the darkness falls, it will fall for forever.
A/N: Disclaimer: Shingeki no Kyojin does not belong to me.
Couple things: Ah, both of them ended up OOC, sorry, especially Levi. There is an epilogue thing coming up. Can someone tell me why there's also an Attack on Titan category? Was it an accident? Also, stop saying Yaeger. It's Jaeger. "J" in the German language is pronounced like it's "Y." Thanks.