Hello, everybody! In case you don't know, I'm Lotion Girl. My co-author for this story is my friend Empress Caroline of Tamaran, or Cat. This fanfiction is kind of like a crack fic, inspired by random conversations during first period gym class. And trust me, you fangirls/fanboys will either love us or hate us.
As a side note, I'd just like to say that some of these pairings have left me scarred for life, so if you dislike this kind of thing then I would move on to a different story. Pairings will be revealed as the story goes on. PLEASE do not send me any flaming comments about the pairings; most of them were my friend's idea, and I do not appreciate being insulted after working so hard on writing and wasting so much class time. So, please be a good sport, and realize that I will (most likely) never write another story with these pairings ever again. If you read the author's note, please put "1,000 Years of Pain" at the end of your review or PM.
And yes, we know that some of the characters have been killed throughout the series. We are aware of that, and we would like to remind you that this is a FAN FICTION. WE ARE IN NO WAY AFFILIATED WITH KISHIMOTO MASASHI AND WE HOPE YOU KNOW THAT. Thank you.
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It seemed like a normal day in the beautiful village of Konohagakure. Key word: "seemed." Naruto and Sasuke were walking through town looking for Kakashi-Sensei.
Well, actually that's only half-true. Naruto was looking for Kakashi-Sensei, and Sasuke was complaining about fangirls.
"Why do all of these crazy teenage girls feel the need to follow me around constantly? They tick me off so much…especially Sakura and Ino. They're the worst fangirls of them all." Sasuke sighed. "Why can't they just leave me alone?"
"Hey, don't be complaining! At least you have fangirls!" Naruto whined. "I tell ya, it's not fair! You have fangirls, Gaara has fangirls, Lee has fangirls, even the frickin' AKASTUKI have fangirls, but not me!"
The palm of Sasuke's hand soon came into contact with Naruto's cheek. The Kyuubi-Bearer rubbed his cheek and blinked stupidly. "Thanks, I needed that." Sasuke nodded and looked away.
That's when Naruto got his big idea. He would use a love jutsu on Sakura and Sasuke!
Chuckling to himself, he hid behind a nearby tree. Since he didn't know any love jutsus, he decided to improvise. Combining the Japanese word for "love" with the Japanese word for "technique", he focused his chakra and performed the standard hand seal. "Ai no Jutsu!"
Sasuke turned to look at the tree where Naruto was hiding, question marks appearing over his head. As he walked over to look behind the tree at Naruto, a large burst of chakra emanated from the blond teenager. The shockwave crashed directly into Sasuke and propelled him backwards about five or six feet.
"What the – dobe, what were you doing?!" Sasuke shook his head to shake off his daze and sent an evil Sharingan-induced glare in Naruto's direction. His expression soon changed into one of amazement, however, as he suddenly saw his teammate in a different light. The Uchiha boy was shocked – how come he had never noticed Naruto like this before? How the sun reflected off of his beautiful blond hair, the air of pride and maturity surrounding him caused by the shining headband, his sky blue eyes against the backdrop of his rosy complexion…
Naruto was on the ground, battling an intense headache. He lay still, hoping that the pain would soon subside. When he heard Sasuke yelling, however, he sat up and opened his mouth as he prepared a retort. Suddenly, Naruto found himself in a daze, mirroring the expression on Sasuke's face. He had never noticed how handsome Sasuke looked, with his dark hair and Sharingan eyes.
(Meanwhile, Cat's friend and little sister are throwing up in the background.)
Slowly, Sasuke crawled over to Naruto and gently placed a hand on his cheek. He pulled the blond close and…
(Lotion Girl: That's it! I'm changing the scene! Next!)
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The effects of Naruto's jutsu were spread all over the Leaf Village, and some of it spread as far as the Sand Village.
Speaking of the Sand Village, it looks like Konoha has some visitors. Temari stood at the gate to the city, with Kankuro and Gaara close behind her. The three of them stood silently, not making eye contact. They were awaiting their three Leaf Village partners so that they could carry out the mission they had been assigned. Temari had been assigned Akimichi Choji as a partner, Kankuro was partnered with Inuzuka Kiba, and Yamanaka Ino would be working with Gaara. The Sand Siblings resembled CIA agents, just standing there. Nothing seemed amiss - then the jutsu hit. All three felt the impact, and they teetered slightly from where they were standing.
"What was that?" Gaara asked, holding a hand to his forehead as though to stem the nausea.
Kankuro shared a look with his little brother. "I dunno. Temari?"
"Beats me." Temari shrugged.
That's when the three Leaf shinobi walked up. Ino seemed to be arguing with Choji, and Kiba was between them trying to shut them up.
"Guys, focus!" Kiba was saying. Ino and Choji paid him no heed. Kiba scratched his head and glanced at his dog, Akamaru. "How on earth does Shikamaru put up with these two?" Akamaru barked in response. Kiba sighed. "I had a feeling you'd say that." The dog ninja rolled his eyes and made eye contact with his Sand Village partner - and it was that fateful moment that changed the course of his day. Kankuro and Kiba stood stock still, gazing into each other's eyes. You could practically see the little hearts forming.
Ino and Choji stopped arguing long enough to notice Kiba. "Kiba? You okay?" Choji sounded very concerned. He waved his bag of potato chips in front of Kiba's eyes in an attempt to snap him out of it. Akamaru barked again. "Sorry, boy," Choji said. "I don't know what's wrong with him."
Ino's face showed concern as she looked at Kiba. "What are you staring at?"
"Maybe a female dog."
"Oh, shut up, Choji! Be nice to Kiba!"
Kiba finally spoke. "KANKURO-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!" Ino and Choji were shocked and horribly confused.
(Me: NO! KIBA SNAP OUT OF IT!!
Cat: Shut up! It was your idea!
Me: HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!
Cat's Sister: -duct tapes LG's mouth shut-
Cat: Thank you.)
Kankuro grinned widely and ran up to his partner. "KIBA-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!" Temari and Gaara sweatdropped and shared a look that clearly said 'What the heck?!'
Kiba and Kankuro met halfway with a passionate kiss, leaving the other four shinobi watching and wondering. "That's…" Choji stuttered. "That's…going to leave me scarred for life." Temari nodded in agreement. Gaara was throwing up, and Ino was covering her eyes and screaming "IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!!!" Akamaru was barking like there was no tomorrow.
Temari veiled her eyes with her hand and shook her head. "Baki-Sensei would flip his lid if he knew about this."
Choji blushed and walked shyly up to Temari, who started when she saw him so close. "You…uh…want some?" Choji began stuttering, motioning to his bag of chips.
Temari cocked an eyebrow and looked at him, then smiled. She took the bag and held his hand. "Thank you, Akimichi-san."
Choji smiled. "Call me Choji-kun." Temari giggled and nodded. Ino and Akamaru were extremely confused – Akamaru even more so when Ino began mirroring their affections for the Sand Siblings.
Gaara couldn't take it anymore. If things didn't start making sense in three seconds, he would lose it. Three…two…one… "GAH! What the heck is going on here?! As soon as we enter the freakin' village, my brother falls for a guy who's two years younger than him, and my sister starts flirting with some overweight – "
"Oh, shut up and kiss me, Gaara!" Ino came running up suddenly. She threw her arms around Gaara's neck and kissed him passionately. Gaara was surprised for a minute, then slowly wrapped his arms around her waist and savored the taste of Yamanaka Ino. Akamaru began barking again to try and stop them, but the six ninjas paid him no heed. Finally Akamaru lay down on the ground and curled into a ball in defeat.
It looks like Naruto goofed…