Title: Miss Communication
Author: Avelynn Tame/ficcingwitch
Disclaimer: Oh, how I wish I owned anything remotely to do with The Mentalist. If I did, Currie Graham would, at the very least, have recurring character status.
Author's Notes: Okay, I'll be honest: I love Walter Mashburn. A lot. And as much as I am a Jane/Lisbon shipper, I also have a huge amount of love for Lisbon/Mashburn. So, this fic is a little piece of silliness. I started it before 'Red Hot' aired, so it's not compatible with that ep (I guess you could consider it AU, taking that into account).
Credit must go to my wonderful friend and beta, B, who listened patiently when I had Lisbon/Mashburn dreams and e-mailed her randomly to discuss them. At length.
Happy reading!
One final note – I don't know a single thing about basketball. Also, I have taken some liberties with the behavioural habits of emus. You may wish to remember these facts later in the story...
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: [?SPAM] Next week
My dear Agent Lisbon,
It's been so long! I left a message on your voicemail at work, but perhaps you didn't get it.
I'm in Sacramento on Thursday next week to finalise a trifling legal matter. It'll be done with by mid-morning so – lunch? I understand you like Italian. I've made a reservation at a place I think you'll like.
See you then,
Walter
PS. You may want to bring your passport.
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: [?SPAM] Next week
Mr Mashburn,
I'm busy all week. In fact, I'm busy for the next year. Please stop calling my office.
Teresa Lisbon
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Your schedule
Dear Agent Lisbon,
A reliable source informs me that you are due in court on Monday and Wednesday next week and have no other appointments. I understand that cases arise as and when; I'm a flexible man (extremely flexible, as a matter of fact, ask me why) so why don't we just agree to have lunch and if something comes up we can rearrange?
Really, this would be a lot simpler if you'd just answer your phone.
Walter
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: My schedule
Mr Mashburn,
I can guarantee you that something will come up. You would be surprised just how many violent crimes occur in Sacramento every day. In particular, the number of assaults on interfering work colleagues continues to increase. People really ought to watch what they say.
It was delightful to hear from you, as always.
Teresa Lisbon
PS. Out of curiosity, why would I have needed my passport?
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Re: My schedule
I suppose you'll never know, will you?
Walter
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: Re: My schedule
Mr Mashburn,
I won't agree out of curiosity.
Also, as you may have heard, it is now definite that I will not be free on Thursday (see: tonight's news). Thanks for the offer anyway.
Teresa Lisbon
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: (none)
Teresa,
Your track record is excellent – I'm sure you'll catch the killer by mid-week.
Unrelated note: did you know that the Kings are playing at home on Saturday? I happen to have a box at the ARCO.
W
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: (none)
Teresa,
Interesting fact: my reliable source indicates that you've been a little irritable since my last e-mail. To be more specific, I understand you broke a mug with your bare hands.
My analysis: you desperately want to see the Kings. You don't enjoy going alone. But you don't want to give me the satisfaction of saying yes, either.
Let me make this simple for you. I'm going to pick you up from your home or office next Saturday whether you like it or not. We're going to the game. I'll take you home after (and act the perfect gentleman).
See you then,
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Grrrr
You are giving me a stomach ulcer.
Also: fine.
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: ! ! !
[Attachment: 'Sacramento Bee – Society pages[dot]pdf']
You have to make them print a retraction – it's lies! Jane is distributing copies to the building!
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Re: ! ! !
The reason they don't print more retractions is because they're careful to phrase everything in a speculative manner. For example, 'CEO of Mashburn Enterprises, Walter Mashburn was last night seen in the company of a diminutive yet stunning brunette at the ARCO Arena' is perfectly true.
'The pair, both casually dressed, appeared to be engrossed in the game – and each other. Our spy reports that they were deep in discussion for the duration… and that Mr M's arm didn't move from around the shoulder of our Mystery Miss. Will Miss soon become Mrs? Only time will tell…' – this is fact mixed with a few guesses.
It's a real shame that the picture doesn't do you justice. On the plus side, it should keep the media at bay.
Kings in Phoenix in two weeks. Let's colour co-ordinate.
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: This is not a joke
Mashburn, I had fun, don't get me wrong (even if you are totally deluded about Udrih and his potential to be a swingman). But we can never meet again – ever. They are already calling me Mrs Mashburn in the bullpen. The guys in the mailroom think it's funny to 'forward' my letters to my new name. If you know me as well as you claim, you'll know that I have limited tolerance for this kind of crap.
So, in short, if you could please be seen in public with a really hot brunette who is willing to claim that she was there with you on Saturday, you would be saving the lives of many innocent people.
Lisbon
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: (none)
Saw you on TV – thanks. Everybody in the office is disappointed. Maybe now they'll get back to work and stop betting on how many times I would shoot you if you were unfaithful.
Lisbon
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: (none)
Teresa,
You disappoint me. I was hoping for gushing gratitude, or at the very least, a hint of jealousy.
In any case, you now owe me a favour. A personal favour. One day in the future I'm going to want something from you, and when you inevitably say no, I will direct you to this e-mail.
So – Phoenix? (This is not the favour.)
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Phoenix
You don't scare me.
Also, shouldn't you be taking the new brunette?
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Re: Phoenix
My dear Teresa, are you envious of that vapid, gold-digging girl?
I had her sign a rather extensive legal agreement forbidding her from ever revealing that she was not, in fact, with me at that game. She didn't understand most of it, of course, but she does understand that if she breaks the agreement she'll have to pay a substantial amount in damages.
So I'm a free man. If you're very concerned about being identified, I'll buy you a novelty cap.
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: Re: Phoenix
I'll bring my blonde wig.
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: (none)
My dear Teresa,
'I had a wonderful time.' These are the words I was hoping to hear from you as I dropped you off at your house on Saturday night, preferably followed by the most chaste of pecks on my cheek.
But instead I had to endure your tirade of 'Westphal thinks he's so smart, playing Greene as the starting small forward – it's like he's watching a different game, what about Garcia?'
I must emphasise that this rant started about three minutes after we boarded my jet at Deer Valley, and did not – apparently – stop until you were inside your house. I say 'apparently' because you shut the door in my face, yet I could still hear you talking. When, exactly, did you realise that I had gone?
'Walter, I am so incredibly sorry that I was so rude. Allow me to make it up to you in a manner of your choosing.' Those are the words I still hope to hear. Preferably by phone. E-mail is so impersonal…
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: (none)
'Mr Mashburn, you are hereby sentenced to a fifteen year custodial sentence with no possibility of parole,' are the words you will certainly hear if you're not careful about your indecent propositions.
But I am sorry. I'm pretty sure I was still ranting in the shower. Your material apology is on its way.
Lisbon
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Adopt An Emu
Subject: Congratulations, you have adopted Gertrude!
Dear Mr Mashburn,
You have received a gift of a one-year Premium Adoption package from Teresa Lisbon. This package includes a certificate of adoption, an emu plushie, and a photo of Gertrude, your chosen emu. It also entitles you to make six pre-booked visits over the course of the year.
About Gertrude
Gertrude was abandoned as a chick; we raised her here at the Marin Emu Sanctuary. Although she sometimes acts aggressive for no particular reason, we know that deep down inside she's a sweetheart. She likes to eat caterpillars and crickets (preferably live). We have tried to breed from Gertrude, but she is often hostile to the males. Scroll down for a video of her chasing Clive, one of our most popular males!
Our contact details can be found on our website if you would like to arrange a visit. Please note: you cannot ride the emus. Please do not attempt to enter the emu paddocks unless accompanied by a ranger.
Thank you for saving an Emu!
Marin Emu Sanctuary team
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Gertrude
I'm not going to see her alone. Come with me, and bring your gun.
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: Gertrude
Is this the favour?
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Re: Re: Gertrude
No, it is not. Your apology includes the Premium Adoption package, which includes visits, which no reasonable person would undertake alone.
Saturday afternoon. I watched the video of her chasing Clive. How fast a runner are you?
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Very fast
I'm not going to carry you. It's a dog-eat-dog world.
See you at the weekend.
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: (none)
I thought that went well – Gertrude's bark is worse than her bite.
The allegedly 'unplanned' dinner was… nice. Thanks for bringing the dress. And for being a gentleman. I'm struggling to find a reason to complain, which is disconcerting.
Oh, yes: what did you mean about me and Gertrude being alike?
I feel a lot better now.
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Family tree
The way that Gertrude pecked so aggressively at me seemed to bear a resemblance to the way you have smacked my arm in times gone by. Of course, it's a little disappointing that you refuse to pursue me the way that she did (stubbornly, relentlessly, right across that field).
My greatest romantic prospect is a large bird – disturbing, but true.
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Romance
Don't feed me your self-pity. You think I don't read those awful 'most eligible bachelor' lists? It's not exactly a dry spell for you.
Also, the ranger warned you not to flap your arms like that. It's your own fault she chased you.
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Re: Romance
You can feed her next time.
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Incommunicado
My dear Teresa,
It has been nearly a week since our last date – why the silence? Not getting antsy about the media, are you?
Missing you,
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: Incommunicado
Dear Mr Mashburn,
Let me be serious – we need to be realistic about whatever… this is between us.
I'm a cop. I work stupid hours doing dangerous things to catch dangerous people, and as frustrating as it often is, it's my job. And I love my job.
You are a businessman with a lot of money and power. You spend your days doing whatever you feel like doing, whether that's work or play. You can have any woman you want; probably several.
I don't date. Most men want someone who'll actually be around, and I can't promise that.
The thing is, I do like you, which is why I'm being honest with you. Nothing's ever going to happen between us. I mean, sure, we could try, but I already know how it'll end – both of us, frustrated and resentful, trying to pick up the pieces of a failed relationship. I'm not the next Mrs Mashburn.
Truthfully, I guess I'm being selfish, protecting my own interests. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to get hurt either. So can we both please agree to forget this, be friends, and move on?
Teresa Lisbon
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Re: Re: Incommunicado
Great, Saturday it is! Movie? Dinner? I'll pick you up at 7, we can decide on the road.
W
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: (none)
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I appreciate your persistence. It has its appeal. However, I was serious – we can't see each other anymore.
Take care of yourself, Walter.
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: (none)
Teresa,
I hear what you're saying. Of course, I also hear what you're not saying. 'I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to get hurt' – this is crap. It might be true, but it's still crap. Here's what you're really thinking: you don't believe me when I say I'm attracted to you. You think it's a whim – that I want you because I can't have you, or because you're different, or because I want a thrill and you have a dangerous career.
You're wrong.
Being a murder suspect was fun, I won't deny it. I won't deny that you're different, either. But I've got my reasons for wanting you, and they're so far from what you're thinking. I won't list them here. Come to dinner with me and I'll tell you over candlelight and… donuts, if that's what you want.
But stop second-guessing my motives. Other people do that more than enough, and I need you, my dear Teresa, to continue being painfully honest and stubborn and yourself.
Forget dinner – I'm coming to see you at your place tonight. Feel free to pretend you're not home, but one way or another I'm going to talk to you, even if it's through the door.
Yours,
Walter
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: (none)
Well.
Good morning.
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: (none)
You've been at your office all of three minutes – aren't you supposed to be working?
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Anger management
You were not so hostile last night. (Which I found surprising, considering I had to use distraction techniques to get past the front door.)
To be fair, you must be exhausted. I blame myself – entirely. However can I make it up to you?
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: Anger management
By looking up the meaning of the word 'discretion'. Here's a clue: it involves not spilling the beans to Jane about what may or may not have happened last night.
And don't try to deny it. I can see him from my office – I know it's you he's texting.
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Discretion, n.
'What may or may not have happened last night.'
Teresa, I'm deeply concerned – you're exhibiting signs of short-term memory loss. Allow me to remind you: there was kissing. There was heavy petting followed by removal of clothes. There was more kissing. And then we relocated to your bed, where we stayed until your alarm clock went off at a ridiculous hour this morning.
If it helps, I can go into detail.
Lots and lots of detail.
In fact, meet me for lunch and I'll walk you through it.
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: Discretion, n.
STOP. E-MAILING. ME.
I keep typing 'Mashburn' instead of 'murderer' in my report. If you don't stop distracting me I'm going to have a lot of awkward questions to answer.
To: Teresa Lisbon
From: Walter Mashburn
Subject: Last one, I swear
You, me, date, tonight?
To: Walter Mashburn
From: Teresa Lisbon
Subject: Re: Last one, I swear
Yes.
"Five."
She stared at him incredulously. "What? How is it five?"
He lifted one hand – the other remained around her bare shoulder, his thumb stroking idly over her skin – and counted off on his fingers. "One – watching the Kings at the ARCO. Two – the Kings in Phoenix. Three – Gertrude. Four – last night. Five – right now." He leered at her out of the corner of his eye. "See? Five dates."
She shook her head, staring up at the ceiling. "No way, I don't buy it." She lifted her own hand. "Platonic, platonic, platonic, and then… not so platonic." The colour rose rapidly across her cheeks as she extended her fourth and fifth fingers. "And… not so platonic again. But you can't even call last night a date."
It was his turn to look incredulous. "Are you kidding me? This time last night we were exactly where we are now – in your bed, enjoying blissful exhaustion."
"Blissful, huh?" she murmured. "Awfully confident, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am," he said firmly. "It was a date."
"Let me see – you tried to climb a trellis I don't have to my bedroom window until Mrs Del Viscovo came out of her house with her baseball bat. I heard you screaming and opened the front door, and you threw yourself at me and knocked us both to the floor. And then you kicked my leg when you scrambled to get up and lock the door. This sounding in any way like a date to you?" The soft, slow circles her fingers were tracing on his abdomen were an unspoken indication of the tenderness that belied her words.
He sounded sheepish when he said, "Well… admittedly it wasn't supposed to go quite like that. But you know, after you'd explained the situation to your delightful neighbour –"
"Who is eighty-nine, by the way," she added.
"Yeah, thanks for constantly reminding me," he said dryly. "After that, when I first kissed you – well, you weren't exactly fighting me off, remember?"
Clearly, she observed, it was important to him that last night be categorised as a date. So she rolled her eyes and sighed, conceding defeat. "Okay, fine, last night and tonight, I'll accept. But not the other three."
"Done." He seemed excited, his head dipping as he kissed her temple and cheekbone. His other hand slid across the flat plane of her abdomen and came to rest on her hip. "So when are we going to see Gertrude again?"
She grinned briefly. "You sure you've fully recovered after last time?"
"Last time, I was not prepared," he said thoughtfully. "This time, I'll know better."
"No flapping, no shouting, no leaning," they recited together, remembering the words of the stressed-out ranger.
She gave him a sharp look. "Let's add 'no comparing Teresa Lisbon to a violent emu' to that list, okay?"
He appeared strangely self-satisfied. "I've changed my mind on that score."
She heaved a weary sigh. "I'm going to regret asking, but… why?"
"Well, first of all – if you recall our e-mails on the subject – I mentioned that Gertrude had more interest in me than you did. And we've since established that that's not true." The hand on her hip took a dangerous detour around the curve of her buttock before retreating once more. "Also, if I lean towards you, I'm pretty sure you won't chase me aggressively down the street."
As if to prove his point, he moved his hand to brace against the mattress, positioning his body over hers.
"No," she murmured, slipping her arms around his neck, "but I might bite you."
"Hmm, promise?" he asked, leaning down to kiss her.
"Promise."
Author's Note: I warned you about the emus. If you have made it this far, I'd love to hear your thoughts (constructive criticism welcome)!