Chapter 1

Fuck It

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K so this is my first story and if people are actually reading this, I actually got the balls to post the story online. Good for me. So back to the story I just kind of started writing it out of no where and had no clue what was going to happen but now I have a plot and am all good! So I am super un-confident about sharing what I write with people so it may suck. May not. On with the story!

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Ahhhh! I wake up screaming, sitting up quickly to see the water stained walls of my bedroom, still hearing the echo of Kyle Brofloski screaming "You bastard!" I sigh and fall back down on my bed, seeing we are no longer at the bus stop, and drunk Charlie Sheen is no longer hitting me with his shiny new convertible. Hasn't anyone ever told that bastard not to drink and drive? and what the fuck was Charlie Sheen doing in a small mountain town in Colorado? Fuck it.

Suddenly Eric Cartman's voice was blaring from the other side of the room. "Kinneh! Pick up the god damn phone! Respect mah atoritah! Kinneh! Pick up the god damn phone! Respect mah autorit-" I ran over to get my phone off of my messy desk and answered it before I had to hear any more of Eric -I'm big boned god damnit!- Cartman.

"Hello?" I answered sluggishly.

"Dude were you asleep? You have to stop sleeping in! You can't skip anymore days of school than you already have! You're gonna be late for the science test!" Stan Marsh responded, being the moral center instead of Kyle for once. Ugh! I wasn't sleeping! I freaking died! Again! Is it really so damn hard to remember your friend getting mangled by Charlie Sheen's car?

"Yeah I was sleeping in sorry. My alarm never went off, and by the way did Cartman change your ringtone too? Seriously when the fuck did he do that?"

"I don't know, but seriously get to school. I told the teacher you were in the nurses office, and she's starting to get suspicious."

"K be there in 10" I responded and hung up on Stan. Screw being polite. I stood up from the chair I was occupying and walked over to my closet before noticing that i was still fully dressed for some reason. Weird but it happens sometimes.

"Woohoo school." I say to myself sarcastically as I grab my backpack and run out of my house into the rain. When did it start raining? Oh well. Fuck it.

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"Loo loo loo I got some apples! Loo loo loo you got some too! Loo loo loo lets make some apple sauce! Stick it in your mouth and Loo loo loo!" Butters Stotch sang cheerfully, while getting his lunch. I always thought that song was dirty but clearly Butters was oblivious like usual.

"Hey Butters?" I said wondering if there was any way some could possibly be that oblivious of the dirty and inappropriate.

"Y-yeah Kenny?"

"Just wondering do you think that song sounds inappropriate?" I asked

"Well why would it? Its just about eating applesauce. Uh... Isn't it?

Unbe-fucking-leivable. I mean people are rarely as screwed up and perverted as I am but come on, really?

"Yeah right so where did you hear that song?"

"My uncle Bud sings it all the time an' its been stuck in my head since. My uncle Bud is a weird guy. He says and does alotta weird stuff." Butters said with a shudder.

"But enough of that though. how's your day so far?"

Well that was weird. But before I could respond to his question, cartman walked over with his best swagger, which basically looked like he had a stick up his ass.

"Why hello fags. Could you please tone your faggotry down a little bit. It may offend the elderly." Cartman sneered

"Shut up fat ass!"

"Eh! I'm not fat I'm big boned!"

"Well you must have a-"

"Pretty big bone in my ass. I know Kinneh I know. Be original for once. Or are poor man whores incapable of creativity? So sad. So sad. " Cartman said with fake pity.

"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP FAT BOY!" I yelled at him. Butters was just quivering in the corner like he usually does when this happens. And why the fuck does Cartman always have to involve Butters in this? What the hell did he do?

"Well fine Kinneh. I will leave you gaywads alone this time" Cartman said while sauntering off.

"Poor Eric." Butters said when Cartman was out of earshot. "Anyone who picks on people that much must have alotta problems."

"Butters, everyone has a lot of problems, and some people are asses because of them, but Cartman is an ass because he is a soulless racist dick" I responded to Butters excessive optimism.

"Well yeah I s'pose Eric is kinda a-a dick isn't he?" I laughed at Butters swearing because he just sounded so out of place.

"Yeah he is. Well I'll see ya later butters!"

"See ya Kenny!" Butters responded with a wave goodbye.

The kid was just SO innocent. As beautiful as a thing like that is, in the back of my head I've always thought of destroying his innocence. It sounds terrible, but there's something about the challenge of it that sounds appealing.

God Cartman's right though. I am just a dirt poor man whore who will hit on anything that moves. But I've always been that way, so who cares? Besides, I would never do that to Butters. He's a good kid and he deserves better than me, especially because I really only like him for the challenge. Don't I? Oh fuck it, I'm being stupid. Time to eat a crappy lunch provided by the school because I'm so fucking poor. Like I said fuck it.

xxx

Crash!

"Oh my god they killed Kenny! You Bastards!" Kyle and Stan screamed as my car slammed into a tree.

I was sitting in Stan Marsh's living room and we were playing video games like usual. You thought I actually died didn't you?

"Well at least it didn't hurt like usual." I said under my breath as Stan and Kyle continued their epic race without me.

"What dude?" Kyle asked curiously.

"Oh nothing, you wouldn't get it." I replied smiling somberly as if my constant deaths were a fond memory from the past.

Kyle looked at me briefly and shrugged, knowing he wouldn't get any more information out of me.

At least now that I'm out of the game I can just think. And by think I actually mean mentally play a porno in my head, and reread my favorite playboys off of memorization.

I'm a terrible person like that. I memorize porn like super genius Asian kids memorize multiplication tables and the first gazillion numbers of pi.

After a while of entertaining my excessively horny self by "thinking", my train of thought travel to other things I have been thinking about lately.

"Hey guys?" I ask, remembering my friends were actually still in the room.

"Yeah" They respond unanimously, because everyone but them knows they are so gay for each other that they practically share the same brain.

"Do you think that butters is really as innocent as he seems. Like he clearly is abused by his family, and that can really screw a kid up. It doesn't make sense for him to be innocent like that."

"Well he could just be innocent so that he doesn't have to face the reality. I mean it's easier to be completely oblivious than come to terms with the truth, especially if the truth is as terrible as his is." Kyle responded wisely.

"Yeah dude, if I had to deal with that, I think it would prefer to be totally oblivious of how bad it is. Besides, he really is just a naturally optimistic kid so he sees the bright side of everything anyways." Stan said, adding to Kyle's thought. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh I was just kind of worried about him is all. He said something weird today so I was just wondering what you thought."

"Well what did he-" Before Kyle could finish his question, Cartman burst through the door looking furious.

"Guys you will not believe what I just found out!" Cartman stormed out of the room and into Stan's kitchen grabbed the cheesy poofs in the cupboard and plopped down on the couch next to me. He always was a angry eater... and a happy eater... and a depressed eater... really any strong emotion.

"What is it this time fat boy?" Kyle asked knowing someone had to.

"I will ignore the comment Kahl because I am freaking pissed!" he responded.

"Well what is it? Get to the point." Kyle said, knowing this was not going anywhere.

"Wendy Slutterburger has a new boyfriend, and guess who it is? Guess."

"We don't know Cartman, just tell us." Kyle deadpanned.

"Clyde. How the fuck is Clyde better than me? I broke up with her so she isn't fucking allowed to move on faster than me!"

"And what does that have to do with us?" Kyle asked.

"Well you're gonna help me get back at Wendy and Clyde." Cartman said like it was obvious.

" Why the fuck would we do that?" I asked, seriously wondering why he thought we would actually help him

" Well you guys hate them too so it would be in every ones best interest if that hippie bitch-"

"Dude even I don't hate Wendy and I probably have the best reason to." Stan said referring back to there relationship back in elementary and middle school.

"Well you're going to help because you guys are my friends"

"But we don't like you." Kyle said stating the obvious to everyone but Cartman.

"Yes you do god damn it! You know what? I'm not gonna take this crap! I will get back at you and hippie bitch! Screw you gahs I'm goin' home!"

When Cartman was gone I asked "Should we be worried?"

"Nah, but Clyde should though. Knowing him we should tell him to tell his parents to hide in a bomb shelter for a while." Stan said shuddering, thinking about Scott Tenorman's parents who Cartman made into chili.

"What do you think he's gonna do?"

"Dude I don't know but it can't be good."

Hooray Cartman's screwing up even more peoples lives and we are yet again in the fucking line of fire. Ugh! Fuck it, fuck it, FUCK IT.