House/Deathnote: Chaos of Doom
Plot: L gets a mysterious disease. Obviously, he doesn't want to go to a doctor, because he's stubborn and childish, but Watari is worried about him . . .so what does he do? Sends L to the best doctor ever, of course! That is, the best doctor ever who will take a bribe and admit a patient with a clearly fake name and not ask any questions. And so the amusingness ensues.
What mysterious disease does he have?
Ryuuzaki, after waking up after whatever it is that caused Watari to take him to the hospital.
L: Ugh . . .where am I? Did I die?
House: No. You're my victim . . . erm patient. If you have vicodin or a secret stash of drugs hidden somewhere on your person, hand it over now.
L: Umm . . .
House is trying to cure L, albeit in his usual brusque manner. Of course, he just assumes L is a druggie as he usually does with his patients. However, unlike the normal protests from the rest of the team, this time no one really argues due to L's strange appearance and manner which all point to him being a druggie: baggy clothes, dark shadows under eyes, always eating food and usual junk food as if he has the munchies after smoking pot, strange comments, weird manner of sitting. However, meanwhile, something mysterious is happening at the hospital!
Three murders have occurred mysteriously in the hospital. No one knows what is going on and Cuddy is having a day out of Hell that is actually not being caused by House for once. The police forces have been called in to investigate and yet the murderer has still not been caught. House is convinced it is actually a freak disease that if remained uncontained could spread across the whole city. L on the other hand thinks there is the simple answer of murder.
L: I think it was the janitor in the closet with the broomstick.
House: What do you think this is, Clue? This isn't a game.
L: On the contrary, everything is a game.
House: . . .You know, I think I like you.
L: Really?
House: No.
L of course solves the mystery before House. It was a family member trying to kill off unbeknownst-estranged relatives in order to inherit a fortune left by a grandfather in a recent will. When L beats House to solving the mystery, House of course is mad.
Angrily storming into the hospital room where L lazily reclines with a laptop and candy, House declares, "I hope you have a terminal illness," with a violent stamp of his cane to accentuate the statement.
L responds, "You can't exactly change whether or not I do, now can you."
House snaps back, "Actually, you don't want to know what kinds of things I keep in my desk drawers," and would continue, but then Cameron interrupts, "HOUSE! Stop threatening the patient!"
Then House and L both just glare at each other until Cameron makes a hasty retreat for backup to snap some sense into them. As soon as Cameron leaves the room the two are at each other's throats again.
Chase: Just who IS this patient? Some sort of genius . . .
House: No, I'M some sort of genius. HE'S a moronic patient. And YOU'RE a moronic doctor. Go away and be useless somewhere else.
Author's Note: Clearly L had a few of these symptoms before getting sick. (Note the inability to care for self, socially withdrawn, blank stare, food cravings . . .) And the last two are just there because they entertain me. Pun most definitely intended.
House is studying the whiteboard with the following list of L's symptoms on it when Wilson walks in.
Symptoms:
-Dislikes change in routine
-Decreased appetite
-Chills
-Dizziness
-Sweating
-Fatigue
-Fever
-Food cravings
-Flushed skin
-Inability to care for self
-Pale skin
-Socially withdrawn
-Blank stare
-Bulging eyes
-Sensitivity to light
-Visual halos around light
House: What kind of idiot manages to get all these symptoms?
Wilson: A deathly sick one.
House: No. I think he is just an asshole druggie sent to ruin my life and steal my drugs.
Wilson: That's almost the same thing you think about Cuddy, minus the asshole druggie part.
House: That's because they have a secret alliance against me.
Wilson: Oh, of course. Because that makes PERFECT sense. Your deathly sick patient and boss are plotting to ruin your life, why not?
L gives House a lesson in sitting
House: You sit like an idiot.
L: Actually, my deductive skills are up 40%
House: 40% times 0 is 0. I'm standing and I could deduce that.
L: Which just proves that my increased percentage of deductive skills times your intelligence level equals zero and therefore you DEFINITELY should not be standing.
House: What are you trying to say? That you are a delirious physco-patient I am stuck with taking up more of my time?
L: No. I am saying you are stupid.
Later
Cameron walks into House's office to report that the hospital is on lockdown with orders from Cuddy and the police that no one is to enter or to leave the hospital without clearance from the Head of the police force. Cameron walks in to discover House sitting just like L. House threatens to fire him if he tells anyone, especially L, about the scene.
House: If you keep eating like that you'll get diabetes and fat
L: I suppose you'd like that, wouldn't you.
House: Yes actually.
L: Well, hate to burst your bubble, but I won't get fat because I burn calories using my brain.
House: That's. Not. Possible.
L: Yes, I believe it is.
House: I'm a certified DOCTOR. What do you have, 7th grade biology?
L: A degree in neurobiology, bacteriology, social medicine, and diagnostic radiology.
House: No. You don't.
L: No, I don't. Oh well.
L: Just because your brain isn't smart enough to burn calories, doesn't mean you have to ridicule my education.
House: Just because you're a moron doesn't mean you have to use big words to try and pretend yourself.
House: I don't want this patient anymore.
Cuddy: Who are you and where did you take House?
House: Oh, I didn't hurt him; he's just back at home with a hooker. I'm just here as his proxy.
Cuddy: . . . never mind.
House: So?
Cuddy: No. Get out of my office.
L: They have good jello.
House: And you would know how?
L: Oh no, I wasn't a patient there. I just had Watari steal some for me.
House: You stole jello from a mental institution. -_-
L: You're working with Kira! I just know it!
House: I'm a doctor, idiot, I heal people, not kill them. Though, I might make an exception for you.
L: Wow, my suspicion jumped up to 14%
House: Hey, -air quotes- Ryuuzaki . . . I figured out your identity.
L: Oh really?
House: Yeah. You're a porn star.
L: How do you figure?
House: Well. You're oddly secretive about your identity and your profession, you live with a stupid old man who's not your grandpa, and you look like you're on heroin.
L: Don't call Watari stupid!
House: You're the reason guys like me need pain pills.
L: So the leg is a ruse
House: If the leg was a ruse, I would have roundhouse kicked you by now.
L: Sounds like a challenge.
(Flashback of L kicking Light in the face)
L: House. If that's your real name-
House: Oh, you're one to talk . . .
House walks in with a black notebook, writing something down, and he's mad at Ryuuzaki so he's glaring at him for whatever reason. L looks terrified of the notebook.
House: What? You think I'm going to kill you with a notebook?
L: I've deduced that you like Cuddy . . .
House: And I've deduced that you're an idiot who will one day die from diabetes.
L: The ladies love a man who isn't afraid of sugar. Something about strawberry shortcake is very sexy.
Later
House walks into Cuddy's office eating strawberry shortcake.
Ryuuzaki identity (Take II)
House: I figured out your identity, "Ryuuzaki".
L: Oh really?
House: Yeah. You're secretly Chuck Norris.
L: Who's Chuck Norris?
House: AHA! I got you! Now you must be Chuck Norris!
L: . . . I fail to see the logic here. Because I don't know who he is, I must be him . . .?
House: No. NO ONE doesn't know Chuck Norris. So obviously you're pretending. That, and you didn't fear my roundhouse kick. So. CHUCK NORRIS.
Cameron: . . . I think he needs his pills back.
Wilson: I think they're good for each other.
Cuddy: Ugh . . .
L: House . . .I think I love you.
House: Oh really? And is this a ruse to get into my pants or is the pain making you delusional?
L: No, actually, I just want your vicodin.
Ryuuzaki identity (Take III)
House: Okay, I've got it this time.
L: Do tell.
House: You're Wilson's boyfriend.
L: . . .
House: Explains why Wilson just dumped his 80,000th girlfriend, why he finds you so amusing, and why he sneaks you cake from the store across the street.
L: OR, it could be . . .no, never mind. I'm Wilson's boyfriend. You win.
Cuddy: HOUSE, get in my office RIGHT NOW!
House: Awwww, what'd I do now, Mom?
Cuddy: We just got an email from the Detective L concerning your malpractice. He also disclosed the location of your vicodin stash - AND your heroin.
House: How -
Cuddy: You're on HEROIN, House? My god -
House: Why would L interfere with my life?
Cuddy: I don't know. Tritter or the police probably hired him.
House: Interesting. Verryyy interesting. *Walks away*
L: You want proof of my intelligence? Cuddy's panties today are red.
House: That's not intelligence . . .that's just being a pervert.
L: Oh don't pretend you don't care.
Later, House in Cuddy's office
House: I deduce you're wearing red panties.
Cuddy: *slap*
Cameron: Ryuuzaki, you're such a pervert!
L: *sigh* I get that a lot. Wonder why.
*Cameron and Chase giving L an MRI*
L: It's scary in here . . . *he's completely inside*
House: Oh, poor baby. Let daddy get your blanky for you.
L: No. . . This cake is just fine.
Chase: Wait! You can't have cake in there! That's expensive equipmen-
House: Apparently you can have your cake and eat it too.
Ryuuzaki Identity: Take IV
House: Okay wonder boy. I actually know your identity now.
Ryuuzaki: Oh okay. Let's see what you've come up with this time.
House: You're L.
Ryuuzaki: *gags on his jello* . . .ummm, wrong.
House: Don't deny it. Cuddy discovered my vicodin stash and confiscated my heroin. I hid that stuff well, dammit. But she said she found it on a tip from the detective L.
Ryuuzaki: And how does this lead to me?
House: You're the only person who could possibly know where I kept my drugs!
Ryuuzaki: But you never told me . . .
House: But you figured it out. Stupid asshole genius . . .
Ryuuzaki: . . .I get that a lot.
House: HA! You admit it!
Ryuuzaki: . . .no.
House: Well I know you are L, so there. So, I always wondered, L . . . Your mom had that many kids or did she just stop caring?
L: I don't have a mother
House: Good. Though, she should have died before giving birth to you.
So after House figures out that L is L, he soon then figures out the disease by looking at L's travel history. It turns out that L acquired the disease while investigating cases in Africa, and so miraculously it is NOT diabetes.
House: You IDIOT, if you had just TOLD me who you ACTUALLY were I could have cured you MONTHS ago.
L: But it was more fun this way! ^^