Just a little onshot I wrote. In the Hollows world Rachel is written in first person, we don't really get to see the world out of any other povs. Which isn't bad, somehow I think I wouldn't like Rachel as much if she wasn't written in first person. Anyways, I wondered what it would be like to get Ivy and Jenks to interact without Rache. The situation I chose was in book two so there's really no spoilers past that. When Piscary forced Ivy to drink his blood and do other things, before sending her home to eat Rachel... Well, ok that's probably not the way it went per-sai but that's what it seemed like at the time. Anyways, you might remember the hot chocolate scene, when Rachel picks Ivy back up after that night, it starts off after that.
Oh! The song I used is by The Dana Fuchs Band, if you've seen the movie Across the Universe, she's the rocker chick. She's not super popular, but she should be! I really recommend downloading her live album, it's absolutely amazing! Enjoy!
So Strung Out On You
The shame in my belly bit down hard as I got off my bike. I'd snuck out when she'd gone to bed. My hands still felt sticky with someone else's blood, even though I'd scrubbed them hard in the shower, several times. The small club had been part of my only release for far too long, but it just got me so damn high. Like the old days. I was calm on the outside, stoic actually, but inside I was shaking. Rachel knew what I was now, Piscary's pet. I stopped and took a deep breath of the midnight air, assuring myself I wasn't being followed, before reaching out a shaking hand and opening the door to the darkened pub.
No bells jangled to announce my presence and that was even more reassuring then it usually was. To be able to move in complete silence settled my mind as much as the drink I was anticipating would. Shame bit at me, I shouldn't even be doing this. What will Kist say when he hears I was back here?
I shook my head, gold tipped hair splaying everywhere as I slid onto a bar stool. The tears in my neck pulled and stung, reminding me of the hell last night had been.
It was a Wednesday night, and there were few patrons, none of them even looked up as I placed myself on the old stool and my helmet on the one adjacent to it.
Bruce, the man behind the bar, didn't even turn when I sat, he just made me my Bloody Mary with the quickness of a bartender with a lifetime (at least) of experience. I didn't mind that he knew I was here, somehow he always knew.
He placed the drink in front of me without a word and I noted the tooth pick of olives, not the traditional celery but my favorite in any case. He set the drink down deftly on a coaster. The scarred wood of the bar told me the coaster wasn't needed, but it was a nice touch. I didn't look up and Bruce went back to washing dishes. Gratitude warmed my cold insides and I took a sip of my drink.
"I need one song tonight." I whispered, and I watched out of the corner of my eye as his head bobbed an agreement. I'd known Bruce long enough that he knew when I was having a bad day. He went to the back of the bar and grabbed 3 shot glasses, one he filled with tequila, the other two with blood. He lined them up, the tequila was last. I drained the last one, cringing unintentionally and placed it closer to the bar, only to have it refilled. My throat burned, I was going to need that later. The blood I left, too disgusted with myself to even look at it again tonight.
I took the second shot easier then the first one, and savored the heat spreading in my body, while I turned off my cell and slid off my leather coat, leaving it on my stool. I walked down the bar all the way to the small stage in the back. I pulled the flash drive out of my pocket with a knowing motion and plugged it into Bruce's old computer system. I let my hand do the rest, memories of previous performances allowing my brain to go elsewhere…
Maybe that's not such a good idea. My eyes stung with emotion but I blinked it back to where it belonged, if there was any such therapy for this goddamn life it was this, and I wasn't letting the embarrassment of it all get to me. No one, except Bruce, even knew I was here. Hell, no one knows I can sing. I'm hoping to keep it that way.
I closed my eyes, saw Rachel again and took a shaky breath. My fists clenched automatically, I wasn't supposed to be afraid, I'm a freaking vampire for God's sake. That's the whole problem. If I wasn't, none of this would have happened, and now I was falling for Rachel more then ever, and god, was I falling hard. I'd told him no…
"This is so wrong…" I whispered under my breath, I shook my head again, and messed my hair up, running my hands through it. Another shield to hide behind. She didn't even love me back… not like that anyways… and there I was, standing there not even able to talk properly. I'd thought I was dead… How can I still be alive after what I did? I took another deep breath, she knew everything now. I'm not the strong person she thought I was. She'd probably treat me differently from now on. Just the thought shook me up again. I felt dirty all over. My whole fucking life was dirty, one big filth bucket of sex and blood and rape. I don't think I'll ever be rid of it. There's no loving me anymore, I'm like a horse with a broken leg. Tears threatened to fall again, but I pushed them back, using the last bit of will-power I had left, enough of my tears had fallen tonight.
I grabbed the remote in one hand and the mic in the other. I found a barstool and my Bloody Mary sitting in the middle of the stage, and I sent Bruce the most grateful look I could muster and sat. Clicking the button to start the music and took a deep breath to steady myself. The music pulsed through my veins, and I let myself relax for a split second, closing my eyes and absorbing the only magic that I could trust to take me out of my pain.
When I opened my eyes again, I scanned the audience, none of which had even bothered to look up and a small smile curved my lips upwards. I let all my defenses fall and husked a "this song is called, Strung Out," before taking a deep breath and starting the song that contained my truth hidden in the lyrics.
I woke up to the sounds of breaking glass
Tried to remember where I was last
Blood on my hands none in my veins
I went back to the avenue to do it again
The first verse husked out, with the alcohol still stuck in the back of my throat and I surprised myself with a grey silk voice I hadn't heard since collage. I pushed my voice out louder this time, more confidently as I started the second verse;
I kept on telling myself I must be doing alright
Somehow I'd made it to another night
Then I saw you standing there
Well suddenly I didn't care about anything
My shoulders slumped and I got the guts to look up again, ignoring the crowd and watching the coloured lights dance on the back wall, and I started the chorus:
I'm so strung out on you
There's nothing left of me
But the life I took from the air you breathed
I'm so strung out on you
There's nothing left of me
But the life I lost and a memory of you
I closed my eyes as I extended the note, my voice silk as I hit a high note. This next verse was the worst one for me, and I shook my head, hiding behind my hair, but my voice came strong as I started,
I was running from my hunger to find what I craved
Felt myself going under but I wasn't afraid
Starving to taste the sight of you
So weak that I knew I might not ever get to
I'm so strung out on you
There's nothing left of me
But the life I took from the air you breathed
I'm so strung out on you
There's nothing left of me
But the life I lost and a memory of you
Unconscious tears prickled again, but I blinked them back focusing on my song, standing now, I'd gotten the attention of a group of weres in the corner and one gave me a small thumbs up. I sent him an uncharacteristic tiny smile, reminded of David. I shook my head, what was I thinking?
I went searching for the soul that led me here
Tried to find some faith in all this fear
And there you were still standing there
well nothing matters - I just don't care
I'm so strung out on you
There's nothing left of me
But the life I took from the air you breathed
I'm so strung out on you
There's nothing left of me
But the life I lost and a memory of you
I sat back down for the last part, bringing my voice down to nearly a whisper and wove my way through the rest of the song. That's when I noticed a green glow that wasn't a flashing bar light in front of me, and almost froze. Jenks. I steadied myself for this one, forcing the words to come out, shame coming back painfully fast. What was he going to think of me now?
I woke up to the sounds of breaking glass
Trying to remember what happened last
There was blood on my hands but I was feeling no pain
So I went right on back to the avenue to it again
I had to do it;
And again and again and again…
I finished the song, forcing myself to stay and let him hear the remorse in my voice as I finished it properly. I got a full house of applause and even a shout of 'encore' but I ignored everything and focused on getting outside. I took my drink with me, escape the only thing on my mind, I got out the door and into the alley behind the bar, making sure the door was closed so Jenks would be forced to find a different way out, before gulping some of my drink and leaving it on a recycling box where Bruce would get it back.
I didn't have much time, and I made my way to my bike at almost a run. Jenks was on me before I even had time to react. "You know, it's illegal to ride that thing without a helmet," he stated off handedly. I froze, shit I'd left my helmet on the stool, there was no getting away from him now.
"It's also illegal to loop cameras and steal information from millionaires but you seem ok with that," I answered smoothly. The silence between us was probably the most uncomfortable it ever had been.
"Tink's panties Ivy you're shaking like a leaf," he said finally. I looked up when I heard the tone of his voice. Softer then I'd heard it in a while, I raised my eyebrows, surprised he even noticed.
"I'm fine," I whispered, more to myself then him. He landed on my shoulder, his familiar weight was comforting, as little as it was.
"No, you're not, grab your drink, and then we'll go pick up your coat and helmet from the bar," he commanded softly. Giving up on the run away plan I turned slowly and walked back to the alley, and back in where I came from; grabbing the glass with a fluid motion as I did. Perhaps even a little sulkily, I wasn't used to taking commands from pixies, but then, this was Jenks.
I walked back through the back door, as silently as I could. I didn't want to be conspicuous again. I couldn't just leave and then come back. That's not the way it works. "Ivy, you gotta breathe. Take a deep breath. You're more tense then a leaf in the fall. You're in a freaking pub for Tinks' sake, it's like you're in a nest of fairies or something," Jenks chastised from her shoulder. A frown pulled at my lips, not used to him telling me what to do, but I obeyed, and took a deep slow breath before stepping out and back to the bar, where I left my glass. I scooped up my things, and left a couple bills on the table, swiftly ignoring the two weres who trying to make a pass at me now that I was 'alone.'
I stepped out of the bar easily enough, my shoulders slumping considerably once I was out of sight. My mind telling me that I might be more of a creature of darkness then I had previously thought; but then, I'd previously thought a lot of things that hadn't turned out quite the way I wanted them to. I bit back a sob, hoping that the unusually silent pixy on my shoulder hadn't picked up the lightning fast change of emotions.
"Walk down to the coffee shop down the street, no one goes in there after midnight and sit," Jenks commanded from my shoulder. I took another deep breath of the smoky night air and nodded once, heading towards the coffee shop with the willingness of a slave.
"Jenks we should probably just go home. Rachel will be getting up soon and I don't know what she's going to do if I'm not there," I argued weakly.
"She'll be fine Ivy," he pressed as I walked into the shop and sat at a booth. He was right, there was no one in there except the one guy working, and with one look from me he went into the back to 'check on the pastries.'
I took a deep breath in a gulp of air. Scared of what he was going to say, how he was going to react. Just a couple hours ago he'd been ready to move his entire family out of the church, and now he was sitting placidly on the sugar container. "You're right Jenks," I almost whispered, looking away from his small form and placing my front teeth over my bottom lip, "I don't want this," I admitted, continuing our last conversation.
I couldn't let him see me like this, it was stupid. He shouldn't have to know or give a shit about my life. I put my hands on my arms and slumped down. Not bothering to check the table for obvious signs of dirt. It smelt like coffee, the whole freaking place did.
His wings blurred as I got down to his level, and I sensed his surprise. "Ivy whatever happened," he shook his head a small ironic looking smile ghosting though his features, "whatever happened we aren't going to leave. I want you to know that." He nodded once and took off to hover right in front of my nose. I opened my mouth and he shook his head, crossing his arms.
"You need that. I know you do, and don't give me that half believable shit about not needing help, you do. I will not move my family out of that yard, and Rachel obviously isn't going anywhere, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with having us there, no matter how much trouble you're going to get into," he stated firmly. Relief flooded me; he didn't even know how much gratitude I felt towards him at that moment. Knowing that they'd be there no matter what Piscary did to me was more then I could ask for.
I couldn't help my expression of disbelief and he chuckled, "Tamwood, I've seen you do some damn stupid things, but never have I seen you come home like that. I don't ever want to see you come home like that. I can't stop you from harming Rachel, and I know you love her, but I figure some incentive was in order." I snapped my eyes open, a glare cooling my face only to be defeated without much effort.
"I didn't even want to go Jenks," my voice sounded un recognizable, even to me.
His wings slowed and he sent me a sympathetic glance, before touching down on the table lightly. "I know," his voice was just loud enough to pick up his words, "I saw Kisten pick you up, damn it Ivy I should have gone with you, but Matalina was tired and I wanted to let her have a chance to rest and…" His wings stilled until they no longer moved. From this perspective I could almost see his mind buzz, and I sent him a small smile.
"You shouldn't have to babysit me too Jenks, you've got your own family," his wings snapped back into motion and he glanced up and me his eyes soft,
"And your family is allowing you to go out and do this?" he asked quietly. He flitted up and grabbed a sugar packet, tearing it open with the tip of his sword like an envelope opener. "I know you aren't a kid or anything Ivy," he reprehended, "but if you were my kid, I'd of hacked the guy's freaking head off, master vampire or not," he ended his sentence in a growl, and even though I probably should have been offended, my heart warmed just a little bit.
"My family thinks it's an honor that I have that kind of status with Piscary Jenks. They don't see why a couple of sexy coincidences are getting in the way of inheriting the city," I spat, understating more then my share. My nails bit the inside of my palm, making me close my eyes in…
I snapped them open again. In what? Pain… Pleasure?
Shit.
Disgust shot through me, and I groaned. There was nothing right about this whole thing. I shouldn't be this way. How did this get so wrong?
Jenks shared in my expression, but for an utterly different reason, "they think it's ok for you to get blood raped a few times for the prestige of having their daughter his pet? Tinks contractual hell Ivy. Don't they know that…" he stopped mid sentence and glanced up at me. I tried to keep my face neutral but the hovering wonder seemed to pick up on my every thought. Stupid, concerned bug.
"They don't know do they?" he asked angrily, tiny bits of sugar fell onto the metal surface of the table and scattered.
"I--" I started then took another deep breath, the booze was wearing off, the pain in my neck and body was coming back in throbbing waves, I suddenly wished the coffee shop served the tequila I'd enjoyed earlier… or maybe some chloroform. Jenks snapped his wings and I glanced up sullenly, gold tipped hair falling in my eyes.
"They think it's just a meeting, maybe some sex. Kist thinks it's an honor," I sighed, pushing sugar particles around the table. "They don't care if it's more. I-I don't care if it's more," I lied. The words sounded like a lie even before they passed through my lips. They sounded like the hollow words of a rape victim, a shut in. Completely broken. A horse with a broken leg. God help me.
Jenks turned an instant red, "Don't lie to me Tamwood. You care, or you wouldn't have come home! You care or you wouldn't have tried to get her out of there, YOU CARE CAUSE YOU'RE STILL FREAKING RUNNING FROM HIM. Damn it Ivy. You can't break like this. You can't cause he'll eat you alive. You're stronger then that."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does if you care, you stupid vampire," he spat back. He looked like he was about to leave when he caught my expression, and fell a couple inches from the air. Red dust turned to a dismal black. "You were doing really well Ivy, and you still can. This doesn't change anything unless you make it change anything. He's testing you Ivy, trying to see if you will back down, what's going to happen if you do? The same thing that happened tonight. That's not the life you want Ivy, and you freaking know it."
He let the silence settle between us before he floated back to the table and sat on a napkin with his sugar packet, munching. I slumped down further in my arms, taking a deep breath, and letting myself relax just a little bit, for the first time in what seemed like years. "You'll be ok Ivy," he said in a voice whisper quiet.
I shook my head, "I'll never be ok Jenks. Look at me," I sat up, shaking her head. The scabs on my neck pulled and I didn't bother to hide the wince, reminders of the night before coming back to me in the form of shitty flashbacks and a throbbing sex. It made me sick. "I can't even stay away from what's going to do the most damage," I glanced over to where the guy behind the counter was peeking out. I glanced back down at Jenks and then away.
"I tried so hard Jenks. I did, but in the back of my mind I need to…" blood, rushed to my face before I could stop it so I slumped back down into my arms. The smell of coffee was overpowering, making my sour stomach even more unhappy. "Jenks everything I touch I ruin. I don't even know why Rachel bothers to stick around," I confessed miserably.
I listened as Jenks dropped the sugar packet and his wings hummed until he was right in front of my head, I felt a tickle on my hair and glanced up to see him his hand on my hair. "Ivy, you aren't a monster." The breeze from his wings tickled my hair, and I brought my head back up so I was face to face with him.
"What if I hurt her Jenks? What if I really hurt her one day? I don't know what I'd do if I hurt either of you, and when I came home like that… I, I was a monster," a small tear fell down my cheek before I could catch it, my heart pounded, and that was the moment I realized I was still afraid. Still in shock.
"Shit…" I wiped it way with the back of my hand and looked away, my eyes focusing on the picture of the babies wearing fruit. Hideous. I've seen that before…
Jenks stayed quiet, and I thanked whatever it was up there that he had the wisdom not to open what was usually a big mouth. I sniffed again before grabbing a napkin from the small metal dispenser and dabbing my already stinging eyes.
"I've seen that picture before," Jenks mumbled following my gaze. He ran a hand through his curls and walked over to where I was, leaning against my arm and looking up at me.
"Ivy, you'd be worse off if you weren't living in the church with Rache. Think about it, she cares about you almost as much as you do for her. She's an incentive for you not to fall back into old patterns, if there was ever any temptation," he stated wisely.
I shook my head, feeling desperate for something to argue with. When I didn't say anything the pixy continued, a small smile lighting his tiny features, "besides," he continued, "if she didn't have you she'd be as screwed as you would be without her. Look at her track record so far, hell look at her first two weeks. In the first two weeks both of you started living in the church not only was she being hunted down by everyone in the States, but she turned herself into a mink TWICE, to break into Trent's Inderlander black hole of a mansion, only to get caught TWICE, and need her ass rescued by you and I. I don't even want to go into the whole demon situation, but really, you two need each other."
He hauled himself up to a standing position and crossed his arms. I nodded, maybe he had a small point. A tiny one, I pondered this for a second, but he broke my concentration,
"That picture is gayer then Peter Pan on ice-skates," he mumbled, probably not meaning for me to hear that one. I snorted and he jumped a couple inches in the air, I broke into chuckles and his wings clattered gratefully.
"We should get home before Rachel gets up and Matalina decides to make you sleep out with the dragonfly," I stated, finishing my chuckles and getting up.
He laughed, "Only if I tell her I was on your bike again," he admitted sheepishly. I sent him a grin,
"I won't tell if you don't," I said quietly. He landed on my shoulder as I strode out the door.
"Deal."
I was halfway to my bike when he opened that big mouth I'd mentioned earlier, "so Ivy, I didn't know you could sing--" he began.
"Can it bug, or you can walk home."
"Welcome back Miss Tamwood."
I smiled up at him, genuinely grateful that he was here. "Thanks Jenks," I said quietly. He nodded, smiling slightly, dust turning from dark blue to a contented light green, as I mounted my bike, and took off down the street.
AU: The end. Let me know what you thought! Ivy's a really tough cookie to write.