Erm…I really hope this doesn't suck --
Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki.
I yawned, and shifting into a new position in my sleeping bag. A few seconds later, I turned to rest on my left side, as my previous position wasn't all that comfortable. Then I turned so that I was lying on my stomach. Nope, I couldn't breathe properly. Right side it was, then.
Unfortunately, resting on the right side of my body brought me back to situation No.1, which had made me turn to my left side, and that had made me try out lying on my stomach, and then I had tried my right side once again, and then I realized that my small blanket which I loved very much had somehow twisted itself around my feet.
I sighed in frustration. I wasn't that sleepy, but normally that was not a problem, especially not after a filling meal. On usual accounts I would have been sleeping like the dead, dreaming about all the normal things I usually dream about: food, and my sexy blond guardian.
Speaking of which…Where is he?
I groaned in frustration. I could not sleep.
I staggered out of the tent, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand. The night air was cool against my skin, and I did not bother to pull on my boots, I kind of liked the feeling of the soft green grass beneath my bare feet.
I stretched, as I made my way up the sloping hilltop.
I sniffed the air. Tobacco. My chest fluttered, and a wide grin formed on my lips as I neared him. He didn't seem to notice my presence, I thought, and I took that opportunity to gaze at him, like I always have.
He was bathed in moonlight, making him look as ethereal as ever. His face was calm, relaxed, and void of the scowl that he usually wore. He was lying flat on the grass, and it seemed to me as if he were gazing at the stars, as he brought his cigarette stick to his perfect lips.
I lowered myself onto the ground into a half-sitting position, never taking my eyes off him. I guess he must've noticed me by now; it was just that he didn't want to acknowledge me. I felt a pang of hurt at that.
Yet I swallowed my hurt, as I gazed skywards, just like he was. The stars seemed to fill the entire sky, and I gasped at the magnificent sight. Totally enthralled I was that I didn't notice Sanzo's eyes on me, not until he reached out and held my chin, bringing my face closer to his own.
"What are you doing here?" he asked softly. "Did you have another nightmare?"
I loved it when he showed his concern for me. When he showed that he actually did care, and that the sex we had were not just ignited by lust, or the need of release. Especially lately, when blood-filled nightmares would frequent me.
I shook my head. "No, I couldn't sleep."
"Oh?" he whispered, before he pulled my face down and kissed me. It was a long, yet gentle kiss, and my heart slammed against my chest as I pulled myself closer to him. His fingers were in my hair, curling and uncurling, creating a calming sort of massage as his tongue danced in my mouth.
After a few long moments, he pulled away, leaving me totally flushed. He gazed at me in a peculiar sort of way, as if he were contemplating on something. I tore away from his gaze, and snuggled closer to his lean body instead. I closed my eyes, inhaling his captivating scent that always managed to quicken my heartbeat, whenever I was within close parameters of him.
"The stars are beautiful tonight", he said after some time. "Reminds me of something my master said to me, right before he was murdered." He brought his cigarette stick towards his lips, inhaling the nicotine.
I swallowed, hardly daring to breathe. Sanzo never, and I meant never spoke of his late master. Not even when we were at the temple, before our journey westwards even started. Perhaps, now that it was all over…
"What was it about?" I enquired timidly. I was trying to be careful; I knew how a slight mistake in my words and actions could prove to be fatal.
Silence. Just when I thought he would shut off completely-
"Just a time old saying…about the first Sanzo." He seemed a bit distant just then.
"I am neither good, nor evil,
nor pleasuring, nor suffering,
I am not the sacred word,
nor the pilgrimage,
nor the scriptures,
nor the sacrifice,
I am not the enjoyer,
nor the enjoyable,
nor the act of enjoyment.
I am intelligence.
I am absolute bliss.
I am Sanzo."
I don't know why I told him that.
There I was, lying under the stars and moon, and just feeling totally relaxed, when that idiot had to turn up. Of course, it wasn't that he irritated me. It was just that…
Okay, so I didn't exactly mind him snuggling so close to me. He smells good. And I like kissing him. And our sex is great too, no disagreement there.
It's just that things seem different. They're no longer the same; I've come to realize that now. And tonight, when I gazed at the stars, it suddenly came to me that things would continue to change, whether I wanted it or not.
Like Goku. I asked him once, when we were in bed together recently, why does he choose to stay with me? When he doesn't really need me anymore, when he already has everything he needs for a better life?
He told me that the only thing he needed was me, and that there is no better life for him than a life with me.
I guess it was at that moment when I finally realized Goku's true meaning to me. He was more than just a little runt that I picked up along the way. He was more important to me than just some servant as I had numerously claimed before.
Yet I'm not too sure if he realizes it. Perhaps he thinks I don't care for him enough. I could never be too sure. Who knows, maybe all this while he was just buying time, waiting for the right moment to walk out of my life?
I don't like the stab I feel in my heart whenever I think about that.
Sometimes I steal a glance or two at him, when no one is looking. I don't know why I do that either, I just have this incredible urge that I can't resist. Lately, and I don't think he's noticed it yet, but I can't get through a single day without making some sort of contact with him. Maybe it's just my unconscious way to make sure he's real, and not some illusion of desire.
He's gazing at me again with those resplendent eyes of his. I sensed a new, happy aura surrounding him.
Could I actually do that? Could I, Genjo Sanzo of all people make this earth child shine with joy?
It's too incredulous to even think about.
He climbed on top of me, straddling my waist with his hands on my shoulders. I took in the last of my cigarette before flicking it away into the night. The moonlight bounced of his dark colored hair, and the delicate curve of his neck was quite prominent. My eyes traveled down to his nightshirt where the buttons were half undone, exposing the smooth skin beneath. I licked my lips as heat rushed to my groin.
I kissed him again, closing my eyes in sheer pleasure as he responded. Caressing his smooth cheeks, I pulled down, giving me more access to his sinfully arousing body.
I can't help but hate the journey back to the temple. Wait, that's not entirely true. The journey itself had its wild nights. So perhaps it was the thought of finally reaching my destination. I felt as if there was more to life than being a messenger boy for the Three Aspects.
Or perhaps I had fulfilled my duty on this wretched land, and there was nothing left for me but the temple and its stone cold walls. Goku said he didn't like it there; it was too quiet. Peaceful, in a common monk's vocabulary.
I felt somewhat used to its tranquility, as if I've been living in boring places all my life, and had somehow gotten used to it.
Now I don't even know what I'm going on about. Cold walls and boring lives?
I pulled away from Goku's slender neck.
At least I still have him.
And I find it eerie how the feeling of déjà vu hits me.
A/N: This was supposed to be something else, but oh well. The 'I am Sanzo' was taken out and modified from the Nirvanashtakam.
By the way, the meaning of the last sentence is actually Sanzo's vague memories of being Konzen, who had had the exact thought. Right before he was killed. :)