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Author: Astre-chan(Send me feedback,flames,etc!)
Disclaimer: blah blah blah, gundam wing, blah blah blah, not my property, blah blah blah, it all ties together
Warnings: not enough YAOI!!!!
Once upon a time, in a small cabin lying at the edge of a deep, thick forest, there lived a brother and a sister, and their names were Heero and Duo. They lived happily day after day, in the love and shelter that their parents, Zechs and Treize, provided.
Of course, life wasn't always as great as one might think. Heero and Duo's mother Zechs was sick, getting worse and worse every day, until finally, as strong as she was, she died.Heero and Duo didn't live so happily after that. They were now poor. (THAT'S how the story goes, THAT's how I'm keeping it. It doesn't have to make sense!)
Well, actually, we can't say they weren't happy at all. They were (or at least, Duo was) happy to hear that their father was soon to be re-married.
"Aw yeah, man, that's awesome!" cheered the American.
".... I......, am not involved." monotoned his Japanese brother.
Oh, yes, they loved her at first. Her name was Ann, and she was very kind and pretty. But soon after, every time their father left the room, she'd put on her glasses and yell orders at them, like "Sweep the floor!", "Milk the cow!" and "My name is Une, dammit!Call me UNE!".
One cold night, one of these orders were to go out and bring kindling to heat the cabin. She was yelling and yelling at them, but Treize entered the room, so she hurriedly and reluctantly gave them each a small piece of bread (it's hard work picking up firewood in the forest, and they need a snack, dangit!) and bid them farewell. (Or, shoved them out.)
Duo didn't trust his new mother one bit (duh), and he knew how thick the fic-forest usually get. He didn't want to get lost, so he made a trail of shiny white stones, which he had been collecting earlier that day. Heero just watched, expressionless. They both collected the asked firewood and followed the path back to the house.
Une was enraged that her plan to get rid of the unwanted children failed. The next day she sent them out again.
"Hey, Heero! What're we gonna do?!" Duo cried desperately. "I'm all outta rocks! We're really gonna get lost this time!"
"...."
"Alright, hold up, I got an idea. Gimme the rest of your bread." Heero handed his piece of dry bread to Duo, who immediately started crumbling it into little pieces. The other boy watched, stil expressionless, as Duo made a trail of bread crumbs behind him.
They both picked up more firewood as told and, deciding their parents didn't care enough about what happened to them, fell asleep at the trunk of a large tree, quite confident they'd be able to find their way home the next morning.
The next morning, when they awoke, they were mortified to find out that the crumbs had disappeared. They both watched as a small white bird ate the lasts of the crumbs, in despair.
"Omae o korosu," Heero growled, pulling a gun out of his spandex peasant apron and aiming it at the bird.
"Injustice! Weakling!" chirped the little bird, and flew off.
"KUSO!" Duo let out, dragging Heero along with him, getting themselves even deeper into the forest.
After a while, they came to a lake where a large, platinum blonde-haired duck sat. The duck was playing with his koi, a mustard brown unibanged human with sea green eyes.
"....Woah..." Duo said.
"I..... am not involved," Heero stated.
"Hey, duckie-sama, can you help us out? Man, we're like, lost in this damned forest and stuff. We're not getting anywhere, can you take us across the lake?" pleaded Duo.
The duck nodded and waded over to the two children, it spread its wings and smiled. Duo and Heero got on, and the duck carried them across the lake.
They thanked the waterfowl and ran off.
After running and running for hours, they found themselves in front of the most wonderous thing they had ever seen. It was a house made up mostly (if not entirely) of drugs and drug accesorries. The walls were made of poppy petals and mushrooms, the shingles on the roof: bags of cocaine, and everything was decorated with syringes of heroine, ecstasy, and marijuana joints. There was no glass in the windows because: 1.All the smoke from the lit joints and cigarrettes could well suffocate you, 2. My knowledge of drugs isn't extensive enough (and I like to keep it that way) so I wouldn't be able to make a glass substitute...
Duo basked in a blooming garden of tobbaco, poppies, mushrooms, and marijuana, getting high off opium and weed, weed which he stole off of the sides of the cottage. While her sibling snatched some clove cigarettes off of the door frame, got bored, and started eating mushrooms. It was bliss, until suddenly, a hideous, dirty blonde haired witch stuck her head out the door. Heero, who was severely hallucinating, from all the mushrooms, saw a beautiful bishounen instead of a hermaphrodite, and immediately humped her.
"Oh!" she exclaimed in delight, licking her purple, herpes-infected lips.
"Heero!! Stoppit, man! Ugh!" Duo yelled, dropping the pot.
"Heero? So that's your name! OH HEEEEERRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the witch shrieked in ecstasy.
"Ugh..that is so disgusting..." Duo groaned, looking like he could've gotten really sick, if he weren't so high, of course, "Great, I'm gonna have nightmares, now!"
When Heero was somehow done, the witch sighed, dissapointed, and began to slyly beckon the two children into her lair.
"There's much more drugs where that came from!" she smiled, showing them her yellow rotting teeth and bleeding gums. Since both Duo and Heero were high, they followed her in eagerly. Once inside, the witch, who we shall start calling "Relena", bolted out and locked the entrance shut. Then, she pulled a syringe out of the skirts of her disgustingly pink dress and injected it into Duo and Heero. They both fell over in deep sleep.
Duo awoke with his wrists, ankles, and braid in chains. Heero awoke in a little cage outside. "Kuso!" they both cried, cursing expertly at their stupidity.
"Dammit... father told me never to accept candy from strangers, and now look what happened!" Duo wept.
Relena paid no attention on him and shoved a broom into the poor girl's hands. Then she grabbed some odd gizmos she had laid out on the table earlier, and strutted outside. Duo glared down at the old, mildewy broom and stood there, dumbly.
Back in his imprisonment, Heero awaited for his fate quietly. He watched in disgust as the large blob of pasty flesh advanced closer and closer towards him.
"Heeeeroooo!" Relena cried, her hand shaking as if she had epilepsy.
Relena waved around the hand holding the object, and Heero spied it at once. It was very familiar to him. He had seen one many times in his parents' bedroom and on a few occasions tried it on himself. It was kind of tube shaped and always hidden under the bed or in the undies drawer. Relena jammed the penis enlarger into the cage and Heero sweat like mad.
"I expect you to use this every day, Hee-koi, and whenever you see me coming, stick your wang out the bars and I'll check to see how big it gets!" The witch wiped the gray foaming slobber, that had been dripping at the thought of big wangs, off of her chin. Heero stared back in horror at the wretched creature and watched in relief when she finally staggered back towards the cottage.
Duo was still staring at the broom in her hands, and when Relena re-entered the house, he busily started his act sweeping. The witch paid no attention, because she was still thinking of Heero's privates.
The very next day, Relena stalked out of the house and over to the cage. Heero saw her coming and hastily searched around the cage for a stand-in penis. All he found was an old stick of Pocky, but it was better than Relena touching the real thing, so when she came over, he pushed it through the bars for her to feel. Relena, being the complete idiot that she is, and of course her blurry vision helped as well, fell for it and walked off again, frowning. Heero sighed in relief.
The same thing happened day after day, until the idea finally hit her: penis enlargers don't work. So she dragged Heero out of his cage and into her house, where she was trying to cook diet pills in a large, clay oven.
"Supper will have to wait, Hee-koi!" she shrieked, ripping off his pants in a snag. With a pyschotic look in her eyes, she screamed in excitement, "I'll just have to do it myself!"
Her sweaty hands groped the air for Heero.
"Omae o korosu!" He growled, and Duo, seeing a good oppurtunity set before him, pushed Relena into the oven before she could touch his brother. There, she burned, screaming out cries of excitement.
"Oh is Heero coming in, too? HEEERRROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" The idiot groped the flames until she was finally roasted to death.
"...." Heero gratefully thanked his brother and stalked over to a table, where Relena had stupidly left the keys to Duo's chains, and set his sister free.
They reluctantly shared a brotherly hug.
Now, with the evil witch out of the way, they were free to explore the cottage. In plain sight rested a retartedly placed box. The two siblings peeked in, and to their joy, treasure resided inside!
Duo and Heero grabbed up the box of condoms, thongs, and Pocky sticks and ran downstairs, where Relena's charred corpse still lay in the fire, which they extinguished to prevent forest fires. They fished out the remains of the body, chopped them up into small pieces, and tied them up in a black trash bag. They have plans for it, a plan that would make sure that no one will ever find the body.
Finally, they ran out of the wretched cottage, towards the glimmery lake where the giant golden duck lived.
The duck took them across the lake once more, and his koi offered to show them back home. Heero and Duo gratefully accepted his offer.
When they reached home, they gave step-mother Une a gift of fresh meat to cook with, and Father Treize a thong. Une cooked the meat, kept it all for herself, and ate it. Later on she died from food poisoning.
With Une gone, Treize realized he could be living a better night life in the city, so they all moved to San Fransisco and lived happily ever after.
The End.