Unanswered Questions
By Sonia
Disclaimer: Not mine, all characters belong to Southern Star
Timeframe: Offshoot from end of season four linking up with references to season six events.
Category: Angst/vignette
Rating: R – serious adult themes – deals with suicide
Author's notes: Suicide is a leading cause of death among young people between the ages of 15 to 24, but for many its a problem that is preventable. Many worthy organisations are working towards making people more aware of this hidden tragedy, the warning signs and a need for everyone to make sure the people they care about are doing okay. One of these groups is Here For Life - a non-profit benevolent institution focusing on education, awareness and research aimed at the prevention of youth suicide. They can be found at http://www.hereforlife.org.au/home.htm. I have no professional or personal affiliations with Here for Life.
Why?
It was a question even a two year old could ask but who knew the correct answers – especially for a situation like this.
Jack kept folding and unfolding the letter in his hands, shaking his head as he absorbed the words written in Felix Freidman's flowing script.
David Goldstein, a bright 17 year old boy who played rep soccer for his school, had committed suicide on the eve of his Higher School Certificate exams.
A classmate had found David in the sports change rooms before a soccer match on Saturday afternoon. David had been bleeding heavily from stab wound to his stomach.
Local police had found a broken glass bottle nearby – a match for the piece of glass found sticking out of David's stomach.
Just like his mother. Too much like his mother.
The worst part was the media coverage surrounding David's death. Nervous local detectives had given a carefully scripted statement to the assembled media. A student killing himself at an elite Sydney boarding school was just too hard to ignore.
Then word had leaked out about David's family, bringing with it a new round of hurt for Jack, Felix, Helen and Jeff as events at the White Bay power station were rehashed, time doing nothing to dull the heartache.
Yet somewhere along the line, Jack thought – the people who cared about David the most had ignored him.
Tears stung Jack's eyes as he remembered telling David it was okay to cry and then holding the lad in his arms as they began the long healing process that follows the sudden loss of a loved one.
The passing years were filled with Jack and David at Saturday morning soccer games, amusement parks, movies or just hanging out. Sometimes Helen, Jeff or Alex came along, but more often than not, it was just David and Jack.
There was also plenty of talk, with Jack trying to answer a lot of David's questions. Not just
about his mother but about life, growing up, soccer versus Aussie Rules, girls and what subjects he should think about for university next year.
Felix wrote that Jack had made a difference in David's life, bringing warmth and colour where otherwise there would have been none. Having David around reminded Jonathon too much of Rachel's life and death – not to mention her defiant spirit and insatiable curiosity. It was easier to have him hidden away at boarding school. Felix said it was probably more convenient for Jonathon to forget Rachel and David ever existed than to mark his perfect society life with the child of a murdered policewoman.
Jack couldn't help asking himself what might have happened if he had kept in contact more – especially during David's final year at high school.
Everyone had accepted David's desire to spend a lot of time on his own as a part of him wanting to prepare for Year 12 exams. During one of the last Saturday afternoon's Jack and David spent together, the teenager admitted his father's constant comments about how important it was to get good marks so he could attend the same university as Jonathon did and study law were beginning to annoy him.
At the time, Jack thought David's words were just pre-exam nerves and thought nothing more of them. Now, the true meaning sank in leaving Jack nauseous.
A pair of arms slid around Jack's shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze.
"Thinking about David are you?"
"Yeah Al, I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I keep thinking I should have been able to do more, give him better answers to the questions he kept asking. Fucking hell, he told me his father's nagging about his HSC and uni was really beginning to shit him off. I should have known it was a warning sign and he was trying to reach out to me. We get this drummed into us. I failed his mother and now I've failed him. I should have bloody well known."
Jack slammed his fist onto the table, sending his coffee cup flying. The black liquid began seeping into the linen table cloth spreading slowly across the surface much like the way the grief, sadness and rage began filtering through Jack's body after Felix's phone call a week ago.
Alex closed her eyes, reached in front of her and held her husband of 10 months closer still. Was there ever a right or wrong thing to say at a time like this? Should she say anything and just let her silent support be enough?
"Listen to me Jack – you are not to blame here. Whatever happened inside that sports change room was entirely David's decision and the only one who could have changed it was him." Alex's voice remained firm, but compassionate.
"You feel doubly responsible right now because you loved his mother deeply and she died before you two had a chance to see what was really happening between you. You're not only grieving for David but re-living that night again and mourning Rachel as well – when you probably don't need to – mourn Rachel all over again that is.
"If you need to talk Jack, talk – if not to me or Helen, then to the psychs at the Welfare Branch – just get it out of your system before it swallows you whole or I thump you one – whichever comes first."
Jack had heard the "you really had better get some counselling" speech from so many mouths in the last seven days, it was almost a reflex action now to block most of it out. He'd deal with this in the same way he had dealt with the countless tragedies he encountered in the job – talking about it in his own time and on his own terms.
If people kept asking him questions about David's death and the reasons *he * thought a bright, brilliant teenager with the world at his feet decided to kill himself, it only made more tears surface at a time when he thought he was beginning to heal.
"I often wonder what might have happened if David and Sophie had met. She'd be a good big sister – probably would have bossed him around until there was a massive blue and then they'd be the best of mates." The thought had been bouncing around Jack's mind at various times and now he was smiling for the first time in a long while.
Images of Sophie and David arguing over a game of pool at the Cutter, neither of them backing down and then settling it over a beer put some good thoughts in his mind.
"Well, if you want to find out what sort of big sister Sophie's going to make – you'll get your answer in seven months," Alex burst into giggles at the look on Jack's face.
"You're not? Oh shit, you are – bloody hell!" Jack got out of his chair and enveloped Alex in a bear hug. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Jack settled for burying his face in Alex's neck and holding her even tighter.
Even though he and Alex might not make the most conventional set of parents, Jack knew their child would have just as many questions in his or her life as David and Sophie.
As for answering those queries, Jack hoped that even if their child's questions remained unanswered he and Alex would have taught them how to find the answers his or her parents couldn't.
"Hey, don't worry – it'll be fine," Alex murmured.
"Yeah beautiful, I think it will."
~Ends~