Loneliness

Disclaimer: RK belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki.

Prologue: An Untimely Death

I cried as I recalled the painful memory. That awful, horrible night where I… Scenes of that particular night flickered through the surface of my consciousness.

I felt the fear I felt back then. I remembered the look in his eyes, seeing in them his own fear.

I shuddered and crumpled to the floor; having just taken a bath, my wet hair fanned out before me in tangles. It was pointless for a bath tonight, I realized. Not a minute after I left the bathhouse, the sky tore itself open and unleashed its own grief to the land of Japan. It seemed I couldn't even do anything right anymore.

Why, I thought, my face wet in my own tears, how could he do that to me? I thought he really did love me. I really did. Wasn't that why he… I swallowed. My trembling hand rested on my belly. It had grown from a lump into a bulge in just a few months; in those few months since he went away.

Didn't he love me, us?

I could hear him in my mind, saying those three words to me. At that time, he sounded like he meant it. At that time, I thought he really did mean it. I'm just not so sure anymore. I stilled. When had I ever been sure of his feelings? Could it be that I have been wrong about him all along?

I angrily wiped my tears. How could he? His name rolled off my tongue before I could stop myself.

"Aoshi.." My heart gave a flutter of beats as it cued an eruption of butterflies in my stomach. Warmth I thought I could never feel anymore crept up to my face. I touched the tenderness of my own skin. It tingled.

Gods, strike me dead for I still loved this evil man!

I needed to move on. I knew he, for all his evil ways, wanted me to move on. I read that much from the look he gave me before he turned and fled. It was the second time I've seen it. I wiped the wetness from my nose and pushed myself off of the floor. I wobbled a little as I got on my feet. I stood still and waited for the dizziness to pass.

A particularly sharp stab of thunder made me flinch and turn my head to the darkness outside my window. I walked towards it and slid the glass panels open. I could barely make anything out of the dark shapes beyond the garden. I imagined them to be little demons, fabled imps dancing in the darkness to the fast-paced beat of the falling rain. I imagined them playing towards the edge of the forest, taunting and teasing each other with dares and challenges.

I was drawn away from my thoughts as the wind blew into my room, pelting my face with icy cold rain. The lamplight extinguished; my room plunged into darkness. My previous thoughts came back to me. The demons and imps would be dancing into the darkness of my room. I backed away from the window, shivering as the wind came in contact with my dampened yukata. I thoughtlessly bumped into something and nearly fell. My clothing came undone, the folds parting down as the ties loosened. I grasped the offending object's sides as I righted myself.

I looked.

There, in the dim light, I saw a ghost.

I looked at my reflection in disgust. From the pale, sickly face to the bloodshot eyes, the image before me was the image of neglect and malnourishment. It was me. My uncombed hair fell limp around my shoulders and back. In this lack of light, it looked like a dark shroud. My eyes wandered down to the bulge in my midsection.

I was carrying his child.

My hand automatically traveled down to my abdomen. I caressed my swollen belly as if to comfort the being growing inside. My chest warmed. It would have been a nice feeling had it not been for the constricted feeling that came after it.

My baby. Our baby.

The tears come again. I hated myself for it. The sky outside seemed to hate it, too, for it wept even further. I could almost hear the imps cackling among the trees. Lightning danced across the sky, illuminating the four corners of my quarters. Something shiny caught my wandering gaze. There.. on my drawers.. what was it? I blindly walked towards it.

This child didn't have a father.

"A coward," I heard myself whisper. My voice has gone. I was suddenly aware of the fatigue that's been plaguing my body for months. I just felt so tired.

I grasped one of my kunai.

—

The rain had long since stopped. The storm had passed. As one neighbor opened her window, she could see a man sprinting down the puddled streets. The neighbor shook her head, figuring that the man had heard the news of Aoiya owner's death and was rushing to see what he could do. He is too late, she noted as she turned to place the lamp closer to the window to ward off the after-rain chill. She had heard from the old couple across the street what had happened; that they had found her bleeding on the floor.

News had spread that Makimachi Misao was dead.

—

Rewritten: Oct. 20, 2006

Revised: Feb. 10, 2008

I chose to write out the scenes with Okon and Omasu as well as Okina's scene with Aoshi. I figured there'd be more time for lengthy and winding explanations later on. I don't know how to write anymore- I never did in the first place. ~_~ Comments and even scathing criticisms are most welcome, I'll do my best to improve whatever faults are pointed out.