For Gaelcelt
It was for Steve. Bucky kept telling himself that for the sake of his sanity, or what remained there in his head when his sanity was now scattered in pieces.
Many days came to pass since the time where SHIELD had decided Steve Rogers had done his deed for mankind - even though he owed them nothing and it was supposed to be the other way around but Steve kept insisting that it was okay because he served to protect - and in both impulsive but expected final decision, Nick Fury had chosen (forced) Bucky Barnes to replace and to be the new Captain America.
He didn't list the reasons why.
Upon that request, Steve quick to disagreed at first. His protectiveness kicking in whenever it came to Bucky but the other replied with a soft "It's fine. You need the rest. I can do this. I will do this."
XxX
The problem with the job of 'Be Captain America, the proud icon and legendary hero' to the entire human realm was that Bucky soon forgot about the simplest fact he still had his own demon he needed to face: his occurring nightmares.
His previous nightmares as Winter Soldier didn't dim yet and added with the burden as newest – replacement - Captain America and his fear of unable to protect his fellow teammates or to give precise orders; it was wrecking Bucky's head.
He couldn't do this.
However-
He had to do this.
For Steve's sake.
XxX
Bucky went home one night after his absence for weeks. He entered through the window near the emergency exit ladders, still in his Winter Soldier suit. He refused to suit up in Captain America blue and red costume. That was Steve's thing.
Their apartment was dark and there was a light snore in the living room. Bucky knew instantly it had to be Steve because he only slept there if Bucky wasn't home. Poor guy must have been worried sick about him.
Bucky walked towards his lover. Steve, still clad in Captain America war guise, ruffled hair from obvious negligence, looked haggard in his nap. His appearance said it all: he had been searching for him endlessly. Steve wouldn't gear like that (ever again) unless it was truly necessary.
Shouldn't have worried him like that. Should have called him. You can't even do one thing right. The floor made a tiniest creaky noise, sending Steve jolt awake from his stupor, into a defensive and alert position. His hard eyes sharply found Bucky's tired ones - and in three strides, Steve had his shorter lover in his arms, nose in messy brown hair as his shaky fingers brushed through Bucky's jaws.
"I looked for you- I made them look for you- I swear I didn't stop looking." Steve's breath warm against his ears.
Bucky laughed weakly. It was an infiltration mission for three days straight but one mistake forced him to take an emergency measurement in his plan, extending the mission's period. He didn't have time to inform it to Steve or anyone.
"I know you would. I'm sorry. I-"
Steve shut him up with a gentle kiss.
XxX
Bucky had nightmares that night. Each hour, again and again and again and they both barely had any sleep until morning peeked through the curtains. Steve more than him but that only because he wanted to make sure Bucky wouldn't hurt himself in his sleep, like the many nights years ago.
"Bucky." Steve said, reverent and desperate.
The former spy whimpered before his eyes snapped open, wide and unseeing, thrashing wantonly whilst mumbling in gibberish under his puff of gasp. His wrists restrained by Steve's much larger hands.
"Bucky." Steve pressed again, this time working as Bucky gained his awareness back.
"Steve-"
"It's fine." The blond released the hold on his lover to surge forward and wrap Bucky with the slightly rumpled cotton blanket. He looked like a ridiculous caterpillar in a cocoon like that.
"Warm?"
It was when he calmed down Bucky realized he was shaking uncontrollably.
"There was snow everywhere, Steve. People. Strangers. I couldn't stop it, stop them. I tried but- it was so cold and I was- I'm-" he swallowed "I'm too weak." he mumbled.
"You're not weak." Never. "You're hurting."
This was the last push, Steve would not have any of this, of Bucky suffering just for the sake of mankind or the world or anything or whatever. Yes, he was selfish for wanting to keep Bucky safe from everything. Bucky was only one person compared to billions of people. Yet, to Steve, Bucky worth more than those billions of lives.
They owed the world nothing.
They'd paid their debts.
XxX
The next day, Steve Rogers declared if they wanted a perfect figure to represent as Captain America, they had to find a new one, again, because there was no way this former Captain America going to give the former Winter Soldier to anyone to be used as a weapon ever again.
Tony said about goddamned time just because Bucky was his second favorite best bud.
Nick Fury could bark all he wanted.
Steve Roger would never give Bucky Barnes away.
X_X
Written by Wookie