He's always Merlin and he's always Arthur. They're never together, until one day they are. Merlin/Arthur. Reincarnation AU. Mentions of past Arthur/Gwen.
Written for sanctuary-in-dreams, known affectionately as Sidistic.
Magic is a mysterious and fickle thing. It winds and changes and sparks and is never quite the same as it was the last time.
Sometimes when he is born again, he can remember all the times before. But mostly, he doesn't. But he's sure that the first time they met, they were far from the same age. He's sure he was an old man, weary of life. And Arthur a young boy on his way to becoming a hero.
He cast the spell that first time. He knows in his bones he did. He can feel it within himself. He doesn't remember the reason-too many versions of himself have washed that away. But he knows that it must have been for Arthur. His most powerful spells always were.
When he remembers, it's the second (or was it the third?) time he remembers the most fondly. He has to hide his magic in Camelot. And it's the first time he never remembers the time (or was it times?) before. He was Arthur's manservant, and he wore neckerchiefs in red (or was it blue?). And he remembers that he was closer to Arthur in this time than he would be in most of many times to come. It is the first time he is aware that he is painfully in love with Arthur, and for a long time he expects it to be the closest he will ever have to being with him in the way he'd wanted since. He thinks, sometimes, that its better when he doesn't remember at all.
He doesn't always fall in love with him. Just like Arthur doesn't always fall in love with Gwen. Just like sometimes Morgana doesn't turn, and Gaius isn't always there.
It's like someone is flipping switches on some control board every time they are born, deciding which things will come to pass and who will be there. He hates it.
He hates himself, sometimes, because its always down to being his fault.
For once, Merlin would like his reincarnation to happen close enough to that third (or was it fourth?) time when he polished Arthur's armor and helped him dress and rescued him behind the scenes because he couldn't imagine not.
He doesn't expect it to ever happen. So when he dies on the fourteen of October in 1988, some three years after Arthur died, he doesn't expect to be born the nine months from the very next day to a woman who looks remarkably like the mother who died in childbirth from his last birth (and every one before.) He doesn't expect to only remember brief flashes in his childhood that he takes as fantasy.
And he doesn't expect that someone will finally flip the right switches in the correct order, since they never have before and he doesn't remember clearly enough anyway.
He is finally born in the right place in the right order, and so are all the others.
And their destiny awaits. Maybe this time, they can stop trying and do.
Author's note:
I wrote this drabble/oneshot after a series of incredible Merthur podfics. I was addicted at the first one. Now, I know the gist of what happens in the show, between numerous fics and some serious reading in the wikia, but I've only seen the first four episodes myself and it's been more than four years since I read any versions. I have always loved the tales, and BBC's version is a favorite of mine.
I'm not sure if I will be continuing this-it will mostly depend on feedback because Merlin is new for me and I don't want to repeat the same formula as everyone else. Please, let me know your opinions!