My name is Captain Jack Harkness. And I am dead.
I've been dead before. Several times. I stopped counting at five hundred and eighty six. That was in 1941, for the second time.
A lot of things have been happening in the last four days. The 456 are controlling the children. The Hub got blown up. Me and the rest of the gang (including Rhys) went on the run. Many people have died. Memories have been brought back.
But I don't care about that any more.
I woke up in a body bag today. This isn't a rare thing-it happens a lot these days. You just get used to it when youv'e died as many times as me.
No, it wasn't the 456, it wasn't the children, it wasn't them putting a bomb in my stomach that got me.
It was Ianto.
They killed him.
The 456 killed Ianto with their stupid poison gas.
What am I going to do? Ianto was my life. Working for Torchwood, I found so many things to die for. Now, at last, I had something to live for.
Had. Past tense.
Ianto...I loved him. Stuff that, I love him. I still do. Him being dead isn't going to stop that.
When I woke up, for a moment, I forgot everything. I was in blissful ignorance of what had happened. Then I saw Gwen, and it all came flooding back. The tears. The gas. The death. Ianto.
Worst thing, I can't even commit suicide. I can't bloody die! I just have to live with this...fear, this regret for the rest of my life.
No. Not life. For the rest of my existence. How can this be called a life?
I have to hold on. I have to hang in there. I can't go insane yet. Gwen needs me. The whole planet needs me.
Ianto needed me. But I failed him.
I watched him die. That was all I could do. I just sat there, and saw the life escape from his annoyingly handsome face. I just sat there and watched.
I can't do this any more. I can't carry on. When this is all over, I'm gonna bury Ianto and then I'm gonna go and bury myself. Maybe I'll learn how to die along the way.
Gwen...Gwen has Rhys. Rhys and the baby. She can carry on without me. She has to carry on without me. She has her whole life ahead of her! If I get rid of Torchwood, she can carry on alright. No aliens. No monsters. No threat of death every day. A normal, happy life. Gwen and Rhys and baby. Happy.
No Jack. No Ianto. No Owen. No Tosh. No Torchwod.
So many people I have lost. Curse of the Time Lords, the Doctor said. Living forever. Watching everyone around you wither and die, while you just carry on. Carry on living. Carry on hurting. Carry on with your miserable existance, hoping that, one day, you will know how to end it all. You will know how to die.
Death is like an old friend. Final death, for me, will be the best thing I have ever done-high praise from me, who has seen and done almost everything.
Just wait until this is over, and the 456 is gone. Then I can go insane. Then I can die.
Then I might see you again, Ianto.
One more thing to die for.
Disclaimer-I don't own Torchwood.