Kyle may have been Jewish and didn't particularly look forward to Christmas, but that didn't stop him from liking winter break. It was a chance to relax for a couple weeks, not to mention the Hanukkah presents.
He was watching Not Without my Anus, sprawled out on the couch, when Cartman had texted him to gloat.
"Hey, Jew! Just letting you know, I'm going to the mall to go Christmas shopping. You've seen the Passion, Kyel. Make the choice you know is right."
He tapped out, "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T BELITTLE MY PEOPLE, YOU FUCKING FATASS!"
He shut off his phone, satisfied. But as the closing credits rolled a half hour later, the idea that Cartman needed to be taken down, really taken down, started to nag at him.
The only way Kyle could really affect him? Through his stuff.
He grabbed a baseball bat, a stack of yellow Post-it Notes, and a black ballpoint pen.
He texted Stan and Kenny, "I'm gonna go trash Cartman's room. U guys in?"
"Yeah!" replied Kenny.
"Is he home?" asked Stan.
"Nah, he's going Christmas shopping."
"Oh, then I'm in! When should we meet?"
"ASAFP. I want to trash as much as we can."
Kyle went out the door, waving goodbye to Ike as he went. He tromped through the snow, wind stinging his cheeks, taking every shortcut. He was the first to arrive, and snuck in through the back door.
He leaned against the sliding door, waiting for Stan and Kenny. They arrived together and unarmed.
"Dude, this is a bad idea," said Stan, looking around. "I think it's also a crime."
"Aw, we won't get caught. Besides, someone has to puncture that blimp-like ego of his, and it sure as hell isn't gonna be his mom."
"Fair enough. What are the Post-its for?"
"I'm gonna write down some of the horrible things he's done, and put them where his broken stuff is, so he'll realize what kind of person he is."
"Nice. Let's get moving."
They eagerly hopped up the stairs, ready to destroy his stuff. Kyle tore the Terrance and Phillip poster off his purple wall, and, in its place, left a Post-it that read, "For purposely giving Kyle HIV"
Stan smashed Cartman's Snacky Cakes alarm clock. The note he left in its place on the nightstand said, "For banishing Coon & Friends into a dark oblivion"
Kenny ripped up his photo album of Butters pranks. Among the shreds was a sticky that read, "For convincing the government to legalize stem cell research, saying you were trying to save Kenny's life, but then using that to BUILD A SHAKEY'S PIZZA"
Suddenly, the door slammed open. "A-ha! Charade you are! I've got you guys!" screamed arguably the dumbest voice ever.
"Cartman! I thought you were Christmas shopping!" exclaimed Kenny sheepishly.
"And I thought you were my friend, Kinney. I lied in bragging to Kyel about the shopping. I was just taking a dump," he paused to gesture to the thick roll of magazines in his hand. "But, apparently, you're ALL JEWS!"
He started to chase after them, but, thankfully, he was fat and slow. The other boys ran as fast as they could, as long as they could, even after Cartman was long wheezing and practically crawling back to his house, panting out obscenities. Because Stan was right, vandalism was a crime, no matter how obnoxious and sociopathic the victim.
They ran, powering through snow and sideaches, way into the forest.
Surrounded by pine trees, they all stopped, then dropped into the snow with their weakened legs.
They started to laugh, fiery faces surrounded by icy crystal.
"Did you see that?" breathed Kenny. "His face? He was so pissed!"
"Yeah," replied Stan. "That. Was. Great! Good idea, Kyle. Do you think he's, like, morally awakened or something?"
Kyle crossed his wet, shaky legs. "Nah, probably not. But either way, that was hilarious. Oh, and check it out! I grabbed one of his prized possessions before he started chasing us."
He stuck his arm straight up in the air, holding a bunch of white half-sheets stapled together and colored with crayons.
"Dude. Is that… Woodland Critter Christmas?"
"Damn straight."
"What do you wanna do with it?"
"Kenny, do you have some matches?"
"Yep."
Kyle grinned evilly. "Then let's burn that sonofabitch's Christmas story."
They tossed the papers and flaming match onto a stump and watched it turn black.
Kyle took a bow as he saw the picture of him dying of AIDS burn up.
"Happy Hanukkah, gentlemen!"
"Happy Hanukkah!" they echoed.