Meredith could not leave the hospital room, where Bailey was watching over her boy. Bailey set down on a chair beside her son's bad, slowly rubbing his little hand and rarely blinking. Bailey was like a mother to her; Ellis gave her birth and helped her go to school but Bailey made her become a grown-up. She felt she owned something to her, all she could offer her at that moment was her presence.
"You need your child to be there for you on your way out from this world." Meredith whispered and small tears started forming in her eyes. Through in a strange way, Meredith was there when Ellis walked to the light.
"What?" Bailey looked up at her confused.
Meredith smiled slightly and looked at little Tucker. "I missed my father and I still miss him." she choked as she continued. "He will need his father."
That was her way to tell Bailey not to become a Ellis Grey. Bailey understood the meaning of her words and looked down at her little boy. "You are going to get home late."
Meredith brought a chair to the other side of the bed and set down. "Nobody is waiting for me at home."
Bailey just glanced to her and then she returned to her grieving.
The silence fell over that room and only a machine was counting the flowing of time.
Meredith propped her chin on one hand and touched lightly Tucker's hand and a small smile crossed her lips as she did that. It was just a small smile that showed some hope for herself. It was just a small smile that faded away too fast and left her tearing again. Nobody was waiting for her at home; no mother, no father, no Derek... not even a dog or a cat. Her roommates were dealing with their own personal lives, so ... she was alone. A tear slid down her cheek as she realized her sad reality. "I am pregnant." She muttered silently as if she wanted to keep the news to herself but in the same time to share it with others.
Bailey rose her head towards her. Her eyes were now expressing only candor and sympathy. She was no longer the Nazi; the little woman who could have taken the control over a hundred people at the same time.
Meredith chocked when she swallowed a sob. "What do I do?" She needed an answer from the woman who during the past year had become a spiritual mother to her.
Bailey smiled warmly, something that she had never done before in front of her interns. "We are nobody without a family and a family isn't a family without a child."
Meredith watched her and biting her bottom lip, she held back another sob. The sob could not come out, but the tears could. "Yeah" That's all she could say in that moment. She looked back at sleeping Tucker and ran her hand over his tiny body. That's why they call life a miracle. "I am considering moving... somewhere sunny." She whispered.
Bailey looked at her again this time with her well-known reproaching look. "You lectured me about how my son will need his father. Won't yours need theirs?" She asked her guessing her intention to run away from Derek straight away. She didn't know for sure if Meredith and Derek were still a couple, but she knew how they loved to make their lives complicated and how much they loved the drama.
Meredith looked at her and meeting her reproaching eyes, the guilt got her. Bailey was right. She was already a bad mother for not being able to commit with her baby's father; taking it away from Derek, would make her just like Ellis.
"So what do I do now?" Meredith asked looking for advice.
This time, Bailey didn't bother to take her eyes away from her son. "Go and make that damn arrogant ass happy."
"I think he hates me." Meredith said. "And he has somebody else... I think."
Bailey looked at her. "Go and make him happy anyway." she told her. "Maybe you two aren't meant to be together but you two are definitely meant to be parents." There was no doubt, Bailey had an answer for everything... or maybe, less for her own private life. "See? That's why I asked you not to use the on call rooms for things that requires them locked." Not even now when she was dealing with her own personal issues, she didn't stop from being their teacher.
Meredith glanced at Bailey, guilty biting her bottom lip.
She knew them so well.
"Would you change anything at your life if you could?" Meredith asked her looking down at little Tucker and clearly referring to her family.
"Yes" Bailey muttered after a short moment of silence. "I would be just a simple resident now, mother for my son and wife for my husband."
With Bailey's statement, Meredith got her answer.
Meredith left Bailey watching in peace over her son's sleep. She was now froze on a spot in the middle of the main lobby; her body was frozen as well as her brain. Now she was literally screwed.
Where was she supposed to go now?
What was she supposed to do now?
Derek. Derek woke her up and brought her back to her senses, when she spotted him heading towards her direction. Her heart stopped from beating for a second when she saw him stopping beside her. That was a hope, wasn't there? She asked herself.
"Good night, Dr. Grey!"
Dr. Grey. That name sounded so ugly and ... cold, hearing it from Derek. She was Meredith for him or at least she used to be Meredith. Now she was Dr. Grey. She was Dr. Grey pregnant with Derek's baby.
Derek's baby. Derek's baby because he was still Derek for her.
"Derek" She returned from her trance in time to stop him. "Can we... talk?"
"Talk?" Derek looked at her curious. "Do you think we can actually talk? Are you sure?" He asked her bitterly.
Meredith felt already defeated and she was ready to back out when she remembered Thatcher. "Please" She didn't want Derek to be Thatcher and she definitely didn't want to be Ellis. "Whenever you can... any hour"
"I have to go." Derek replied coldly and turned around picking up his jacket on his way out of the hospital.
"I'll be home..." Meredith found the energy to announce loud enough to make herself heard by him, from the long distance they were from each other. "Just... please!" her words died in their own echo and Meredith felt the ground breaking under her feet... unstable; the Earth started to spin too fast for her.
Derek pulled the car on his land not very far from his trailer. Nervously, his fingers ran through his hair and then rolled into fists to hit the steering wheel. He just returned from Meredith's house. Somehow he had believed her when she told him she wanted to talk. Now he was furious because he had actually believed her. When he knocked at her door the silence was the one who answered. He had had a pleasant dinner with Rose and for almost two hours he felt good and relaxed. He had to allow Meredith to let him down again. He had to put an end to this right away. Everything between him and Meredith was over ... so over... definitely over.
Over until his pager went on. He had just pulled his car on the side of his land when the pager called for him. Reluctantly, he picked it up and checked it... 911. Not everything was over.
"Derek Shepherd speaking." He called at hospital and introduced himself before someone could speak first at the other end of the line. His voice was tired and disillusioned.
"Dr. Shepherd! It's Dr. Bailey." Bailey's voice was grave, intended for Derek to flinch alerted.
"What's wrong? Is Tucker alright?"
"No... Tucker is fine. It's... Meredith... Meredith, Derek." Bailey's voice was sounding now at the edge of a breaking. It was no longer grave... it was painful.
His body became limp. The blood pulled away from his face. His breath stopped. His heart remained the only one alive, beating like crazy.
"Please come! I can't... I can't look out for all of them. It's too much."
Derek snapped the phone shut and revived the engine. The wheels creaked on the road at the car's 360 degrees rotation.
Running along the familiar aisles, he started feeling a stranger. He was no longer a doctor. Something deep inside him told him that. He wasn't there to heal someone's body.
His feet froze in a spot when a few feet away from him, Cristina was sitting collapsed along the wall, crawled up in a ball; her face deep sunk between her legs.
"Dr. Morrison is with her." A light hand touched his shoulder. Derek processed slowly, rewinding over and over again Izzie's information. "She took her to the OR."
Robotic, his limp body shrugged from Izzie's hand and walked ahead. The stares, the others, all of them were shadows.
Derek stepped inside the scrub room, his eyes immediately catching the inside of the OR. He couldn't see her, but he knew she was there. On that table, surrounded by doctors and nurses. Without breaking the gaze from the window, Derek found a gown and a mask. He threw the gown around the shoulders and walked inside the OR tying the mask around his face.
"Dr. Shepherd." Dr.'s Morrison greeted him with sympathy, same as the other's stares. "Miscarriage" She diagnosed professionally. But nothing mattered to Derek anymore.
He walked straight to Meredith's sleepy body and knelt beside her head, searching to hold her hand. His lips glued to her temple and stayed there breathing, eyes closed, mind blank. Everything had been locked somewhere in the back of his mind and soul. Her temple was damp and warm. His lips could easily feel the blood pulsating through her veins.
Derek stayed there during the whole surgery, keeping himself alive through Meredith's warm temple, her pulse remembering him from time to time to breathe.
It had been 6 long hours till Meredith woke up from anesthesia, during which Derek didn't leave her side, keeping warm her now cold hand. Another 3 long hours of Meredith's absence.
Comforting and loving, Derek stayed by her side brushing her hair with his fingers. It hurt him as much as her previous near-dead experience; she was alive now, but her brain seemed that. Tears had been constantly dripping from her eyes while her eyes stayed fixed over a spot on ceiling.
Constantly, Derek wiped her tears before he wiped his. Patiently, he gave her time to come out of that vegetative state, but each minute passing by made him feel her slipping further from him and he couldn't stand to watch that again; to live with the permanent fear of losing her in any second. Derek was aware of the cause this time; he knew he was responsible for it. He should have listened to her when she stopped him in the main lobby hours ago. Hours ago he could have done it right. He could have listened to her and let her share the news. They could have been in his trailer now or in her bedroom, maybe just talking, but they wouldn't have been here... like this.
"I am so sorry, Mer!" His lips kissed softly her ear as he came whispering, pressing on each word, insanely wishing to be enough to make her look at him at least. "Please..." He whispered choking a sob "Be strong. You have always been strong. Please stay strong... for me. We'll do it right this time... I'll do it right. I can't lose what I love the most in this world... I can't lose you." His face pulled back a little, painfully looking at the expressionless face. Nothing gestured the pain on her features... nothing but her tears. His fingers ran across each cheek, gently wiping away her pain... or so he wished. "What can I do to have you again? I can do anything... anything to help you." Derek ran his palm over his face, useless because the tears were too many to keep his vision clear and his cheeks dry. "I need you to need me, my love!" He whispered softly to her ear. "I need you to love me!" Derek closed his eyes, his face resting against Meredith's ear and the sobs broke out.
A strong hand squeezed his shoulder. "She is going to come out of this. She is strong." The warm voice of the man who has been a fatherly figure for the past year for Meredith, and Derek's mentor for the most part of his career spoke comforting. They were his subordinates, but they were his children as well.
Derek's sobs calmed down a little. Derek looked up and wiped his cheek before titling his head to one side to face Richard Weber. A tint of grateful smile showed up on his lips, but faded fast. Nothing was comforting enough. "She is strong..." Derek sighed, quietly speaking. "... but she is also very damaged." He sighed as he looked back at her. Her face was partially turned away from him. Her cheek looked so pale and lifeless.
"You should go eat something. Get some sleep." The Chief suggested. Derek shook his head refusing firmly. "I'll watch her until you get back."
But Derek refused and took her hand holding it tighter. "I'm good here." He mumbled closing his eyes again, sinking his face again against her head.